FicWad

It was late in the evening and Gerard sat alone in the waiting room. The others had taken turns sitting with Holly but she hadn’t awakened. He had decided to stay for one more visit then head home where he knew his father was waiting to speak to him.

Leaning back in the seat he tired to concentrate on the TV but the show couldn’t hold his attention. With a sigh he pulled out his phone to call Lindsey hoping she wouldn’t be upset hearing from him but damn it he wanted to talk to her. She still held a piece of his heart and always would and right now he just wanted to hear her voice.

“Hey Gee.” She answered in almost a whisper. She was just checking on Bandit who’d been asleep for hours. Smiling down at her daughter’s sleeping form she then made her way towards the bathroom so she could talk without waking her.

“Uh, it’s okay I called isn’t it?” Gerard asked hopefully.

“Of course.” Lindsey answered as she closed the bathroom door then sat down on the rim of the tub. “I was just getting ready to call you.”

“Nothing’s wrong is it?” His heart started to beat faster. Dear God he couldn’t take any more bad news.

Lindsey laughed, “No, I just need to talk to you about something.”

Suddenly he wasn’t sure this call was a good idea. His day had been stressful enough. “Okay, what?” He asked slowly.

Lindsey sighed, “Well I know I made it seem like I was going to be gone for a while but I really want to return to LA.”

Gerard was shocked, “You do?”

She lowered her voice even though she knew she was alone, “Gee it’s only been a few days and my mom is already driving me crazy.”

“Yeah, I hear you.” He answered trying not to once more dwell on his recent altercation with his own mother.

Lindsey knew him so well she could hear something in his voice. Deciding to veer off the reason she wanted to talk to him for a minute she said, “Uh, your mom called me this morning.”

“Yeah, she told me.” Gerard said drumming his fingers on the arm of the chair. “Sorry about that.”

“Gee you ain’t got nothing to be sorry about. Donna and I have always been close. I knew our divorce would be hard for her to take. But you need to make her understand it’s for the best.”

“Is it?” He asked before he could stop himself.

“Yeah, it is and we both know it.” Lindsey answered sadly. “Gee, I truly wish from the bottom of my heart things could be different. I wish they could go back to the way they once were. But we have to be honest with ourselves and each other. Things started to go wrong between us before B was born.” Her voice grew softer. “I hoped having her would make things better for us, I really did.”

Gerard lowered his head as sadness washed over him.

When Lindsey spoke again he could hear her voice was filled with emotion. “Sometimes I think I’d give anything to go back to the way things were between us when we first met. God, that was such a beautiful time. We were so in love.”

Gerard closed his eyes overcome with emotion. “Yeah, we were.”

As much as it pained her she had to face the facts. “But we both know that it started to change after we got married. The first six months were wonderful but…”

He knew she was speaking the truth but he still hated that truth. “What happened to us?”

Lindsey sighed, “I honestly wish I knew. I wanted what we had to last forever.”

“I did too.” Gerard said softly.

“Maybe it was wrong of me but I really thought having a baby would bring us closer together.”

He spoke quickly. “Linds having Bandit was one of the best things we ever did.”

She sighed, “I know but I also know at the time it’s not what you wanted.” There was pain in her voice which broke Gerard’s heart.

“I was a fool.” He said in a rush. “But don’t ever think for one minute I regret we had her. She’s the best part of our love.”

“She is.” Lindsey said with emotion. “But at the time you weren’t sure…”

Again he cut her off, “Linds I was just shocked at first. I mean we hadn’t planned on you getting pregnant.”

She closed her eyes remembering the day she’d found out she was pregnant. She had been thrilled. Her life had taken such an incredible turn. She’s honestly never believe she’d marry let alone have a baby but it had happened. It would have been perfect if her husband had felt the same way.

“Linds I’m sorry for the way I acted.” He said as guilt tore through him. “But I was just sorta in shcok.”

“I know.” She said regaining her composure. “And I know that once you got used to the idea you we’re okay with it.”

“I was more than okay with it. I love Bandit more than I ever thought I could love another human being.” He said as he pictured his beautiful little girl.

“I believe that, Gee. And that is why I don’t want what is happening between us to turn ugly. We both love B and I want her to always know that.”

“I do too.” He said softly. “More than anything.”

Lindsey shifted her weight trying to get comfortable. “Anyway.” She said trying to get the conversation back on track. “Your mom’s call sorta worried me. I got the feeling she’s somehow blaming Holly for our divorce."

Gerard rubbed his forehead trying to ease the dull headache that was starting. It somehow seemed wrong to suddenly start talking about Holly.

His silence was understood by Lindsey. “Gee, I know what you’re going through right now because of what’s happened to her. It’s okay to talk about Holly with me. I don’t want you to ever feel you have to hide your feelings from me.”

Gerard realize once again what a beautiful soul his soon to be ex possessed. “Thank you.” He whispered.

Lindsey smiled. “So anyway about your mom’s call. I tried to tell her that it has nothing to do with Holly.”

Gerard sighed, “I told her the same thing but she gets something in her head…”

Lindsey laughed, “Just like my mom. I don’t want to upset your mom but at the same time I don’t want her to get mad at me that I don’t blame Holly. I mean I tried to make her understand that I like Holly. That I’m really worried about her.”

It touched his heart to hear the concern in Lindsey’s voice. “And I know Holly really thinks of you as a friend.’ Gerard answered softly.

“I just wish our last conversation had been different.” Lindsey said thinking back to the morning of the attack.

“You didn’t know.” Gerard said slowly.

Lindsey sighed, “Anyway, how is she?”

Gerard told her about Alicia’s conversation with Holly earlier in the day.

Lindsey was silent a moment. “So she doesn’t remember telling you about Molly?”

“I don’t think so.”

“Well either she doesn’t remember or she doesn’t want to remember.” Lindsey said slowly.

“You really think that’s possible? That she regrets telling me?”

The hurt in his voice made Lindsey sorry she’d brought up that point. But now it was out there she felt it best to be honest with him. “Gee, she thought she was dying. I’m sure of that. I think that’s why she told you.”

Gerard was glad he could talk about his with Lindsey. The closeness they’d once shared hadn’t faded. “You know sometimes I can’t help it but I’m pissed at her. Molly’s my daughter and it’s my right to know that.”

“I understand but at the same time I’m sure you know why she didn’t tell you.”

He sighed, “Yeah, totally.” He grew quiet.

“Now you’re wondering if she would have told you once we’re divorced.”

Hearing her say the word was still hard to take. He shook his head sadly. “Yeah, I do wonder that.”

As much as it pained her to say anything that might hurt him she had to be honest. “I sorta doubt it and I feel partly responsible. In Holly’s mind I think she would have believed that you’d want to get with her if she told you. Not because you love her but because you don’t want to be alone.”

Gerard cut her off. “Yeah, you did tell her that.”

“Gee, I had a good reason to tell her that. I know you. You hate to be alone. You’re not happy unless you’re in a relationship. I just think that if she’d told you after we’re divorced you’d have tried to convince her that you two should be together because you guys have a child. But she wouldn’t want that.”

“You don’t think she’d want to be with me?’ The hurt in his voice was clear.

“Not for that reason. I told you before I believe Holly is still in love with you. Matter of fact I’m sure of it. But Holly wants to be loved. She wants to be with someone who loves her, not needs her. You get what I mean?”

“Yeah.” He said slowly. “I get it.”

Lindsey sighed, “Anyway about me coming back to LA. See there is an art show in a few months and I’ve been asked to show some of my work. I really would like to come back to my studio.” She paused, “And the house.”

Suddenly he was so tired it was hard to keep his eyes open. His mind was just overloaded. “I’ll have to get my things out.” He said softly.

“I know this is a shitty time for you with Holly being in the hospital and you having that tour starting soon. I’m sorry about that, really I am.”

“I know, Linds.” He sighed. “But I understand why you want to come back and to be honest I really want to see Bandit.”

“She misses her daddy.” Lindsey said softly.

“I’ll find someplace to move into.” Gerard said glancing up at the clock and seeing it was about time to sit with Holly.

“Thanks, Gee.” Lindsey hated that she had to talk about one more thing before the end of their conversation. “Uh, I talked to my lawyer today and he’ll be contacting yours tomorrow.”

“Yeah, okay.” Gerard had expected this.

“I’ll call you in a few days.” Lindsey said. “But call me if there is any change in Holly’s condition, okay?”

“Yeah.” He stood. “I will.”

“Take care of yourself, Gee.” Lindsey said her voice filled with emotion. “Baby B needs you, don’t ever forget that.”

He closed his eyes overwhelmed with sadness. “I need her too.” He whispered. “And Linds….thanks.”

The love in her voice was clear. “I told you I’ll always love you, Gee. I don’t want there to ever be any hate between us. Not just for B but for us. I want to remember the good times we had, don’t ever want to loose that.”

His eyes were watery, “Yeah, me too.”

*****************


As he’d expected Holly was still sleeping a few minutes later when he went in to sit next to her bed. He carefully placed the drawing Molly had made for her mom on the small table beside the bed. Just looking at the colorful drawing made a smile come to his face. Now if the picture would do what he and Molly both wanted so desperately, make Holly better.

Out of his pocket he pulled the small drawing he’d done for Holly and stared at it. She’s understand the drawing, that he was sure. Still he didn’t want to leave it where others could see. Opening the drawer of the table he placed it inside. When Holly was awake he’d give it to her.

“Her blood sugar has been on a good, even level all day.”

He hadn’t heard the nurse walk in.

“That’s good.”

She older nurse smiled, “It is good. Her blood pressure is good too.”

Again he just needed to voice his thoughts. “I just want her to wake up, you know? I want to talk to her.”

“I understand.” The nurse answered kindly. “But you need to take care of yourself so when she does you’ll be here for her.”

“Yeah, I’m headed home after this visit.” He whispered.

“That’s good.” She smiled. “Don’t worry, we’ll take good care of Holly while you’re gone.” With that she left.

Gerard took Holly’s hand in his. “Hey, Sugar. I brought you a picture Molly drew.” He’d gotten to the point where it didn’t seem odd at all for him to talk even though he knew she wasn’t awake. “She’s sure it will make you better and I’m sure of it too. We love you Holly.”

When his fifteen minutes were up he leaned down and placed a gentle kiss on her forehead.

He left the room without a backwards glance. He didn’t see a moment later when Holly opened her eyes. He didn’t see they were full of tears.

**********************

Gerard closed the front door then threw down his car keys on the entryway table. At first it felt good to be home but a moment later when he realized that soon it wouldn’t be his home anymore he was overcome with sadness.

“Hey, son.” Don said walking towards him. “Good to see you. How’s Holly?”

Before answering Gerard walked into the living room. Once he and Don were both seated he answered. “Well she woke up briefly today. She asked for Alicia.”

Don nodded, “I’m sure she did. She was worried about Molly, wasn’t she?”

Gerard had to know what his father truly thought, “Dad, do you think she’s gonna regret telling me about Molly?”

“Did she say anything about that to Alicia?”

“No.” Gerard answered tiredly, “She told her she can’t remember much of the attack. I guess the last thing she remembers is seeing the knife.”

Don sighed, “Either that is the last thing she really remembers or it’s the last thing she wants to remember.”

“You think she’s gonna regret telling me, don’t you?”

It hurt Don to see the sadness in his son’s eyes. “Gee, I don’t know. But I can understand that Holly is going to be very afraid. She still doesn’t know she may be paralyzed?”

Gerard shook his head, “No. She’s only been alert a few times.”

“When she learns that it will terrify her. Taking care of Molly is her whole life. Being told she may never walk again will devastate her.”

“But it might not be that bad." Gerard said clinging to hope. “The doctors aren’t sure.”

“Exactly. And as I’ve told you I know Holly is a strong woman mentally.” He paused, “Well that’s not completely true. She’s a strong woman for others just not herself. If there is any possibility she will walk again.”

Gerard considered his father’s words. “She’ll push herself for Molly.”

Don nodded, “Yes.”

“But you’re right she isn’t strong for herself. She never has been. Everything she’s done in her life has been for someone else. First Sonja and now Molly.”

“That’s true.” Don nodded slowly.

Gerard lowered his head, “And the only thing she ever tried to do for herself was be with me and look how fucked up that turned out.”

“But son it really didn’t. If she’d never been with you she wouldn’t have Molly. You have to know that even if she hadn’t been pregnant she would have left Jersey. I don’t think Holly could have stayed there knowing you would be returning with a wife. She knew she could never be a part of your life again at that time.”

“But if things had been different she wouldn’t have left. Sonja wouldn’t have run off and…”

“Gee, you can’t predict what would have happened. I am a firm believer in the fact that each of us has a predetermined time on this earth. Sonja died because it was her time. I don’t believe anything could have changed that.”

“God I don’t know what to think anymore.’ Gerard said tiredly. “It’s like my mind is slowly shutting off.”

“And that’s not good.” Don’s voice was fatherly. “You need to be strong. You need to face whatever happens with a clear head.”

“I talked to Linds earlier.” Gerard admitted.

Don tilted his head, “And how did that go?”

“She wants to come back to LA soon. So that means I have to get out of the house.”

“That’s not exactly what I meant.” Don said slowly, “How did the conversation between you two go?”

Gerard knew what his father was getting at. “It was good. We both love Bandit and don’t want this divorce to get ugly.”

“That’s excellent.” Don nodded, “I love Lindsey and don’t want there to ever been bad feelings between any of us.”

“Yeah, well tell that to mom.” Gerard said angrily. “Shit, Linds is worried because she knows mom is blaming Holly for the divorce.”

“Lindsey said that?”

Gerard nodded, “Yeah and she feels bad because she’s so close to mom and don’t want to upset her but damn it Linds likes Holly. She don’t blame her for anything.”

“Lindsey is a smart woman. She knows the divorce was going to happen wither Holly had shown back up in your life or not.” He smiled sadly, “I do love her, you know.”

“Yeah dad, I know. I still love her too.” Gerard whispered.

“And you always will. She’s the mother of your child, you two have some wonderful memories but son, be honest with yourself about this. You know you and Lindsey aren’t still in love.”

The day had taken it’s toll on Gerard. “Fuck, love, in love, what does any of it really mean?”

Don shook his head, “Sucks doesn’t it? But you know there is a difference. I will always love your mother but I’m not in love with her. She and I had some great years together but in the end we couldn’t stay together.”

“Well I just don’t need her stirring up shit between me and Linds."

“I agree, you don’t. But it’s good that Lindsey feels the same way as you do.”

“I just don’t know what to think anymore.” Gerard admitted tiredly.

“Right now maybe the best thing you can do is not think.” Don went on quickly. “You just have to do what is necessary. Find another place to live, get through the divorce as painlessly as possible. Maintain a good relationship with Lindsey not just for Bandit but for yourself.”

Gerard nodded, “Yeah. I know.”

“And as for Holly.” Don said with love in his voice. “Just know she has a long road ahead of her. She might want you to help her along that road but she might not.” He saw Gerard look up in surprise. “Gee, we don’t know how Holly is going to react to telling you the truth about Molly. But I’m sure she’s going to be very scared.”

“You mean because of her injuries?”

“Not just that. She may be afraid that if she can’t care for Molly you might try to take her.”

“What?”

‘Put yourelf in her place.” Don said slowly. “Until now Molly only belonged to her. As far as anyone knew that was the way it was. But now she’s told you that Molly is yours. The only thing in this world that matters to her isn’t her’s alone now. That will scare her."

“But Dad I would never take Molly from her." Suddenly his mouth snapped shut as something Alicia said returned to him.

“What?” Don asked seeing a look on his son’s face he didn’t understand.

“Alicia said that when she told Holly that you and mom were here Holly gave her a weird look. She said it almost looked like she was afraid and she couldn’t understand why.”

Don sighed, “She’s afraid she’ll lose Molly.”

“Well fuck that ain’t gonna happen.” Gerard said with emotion.

“Gee, just try to remember how she feels.” Don said again. “She’ll be confused and scared.”

“I’ll make sure she knows that there’s no reason to feel that way.” Gerard said.

It was hard for Don to say but he knew it had to be voiced, “Gee soon you’re gonna be leaving on tour. You won’t be here.”

“We’ll fuckin’ postpone if I have to.”

Don had been afraid of this. “Son, you can’t do that. You know you need to do this tour. And you need to remember that you aren’t the only one this affects. The other guys depend on you.”

“They’d understand."

“They might but do you really believe postponing the tour would be the right thing to do? It would cost you and the others a lot of money.”

Gerard’s eyes narrowed, “So who asked you to talk about this with me?”

Don met his son’s eyes. “Ray and Mikey.”

Gerard was angry. “What, they can’t talk to me about his so they have my dad do it? What kind of shit is that?”

“They knew how upsetting this all is for you. But Gerard you need to stand up and do the right thing. Yeah, a lot of times in life the right think sucks. I know you want to be here but you have obligations.”

“Fuck obligations.” Gerard exploded.

Don shook his head sadly.

“What?” Gerard challenged.

“I’m just realizing that now’s the time I have to piss you off and I wish I didn’t.”

Gerard’s eyes narrowed again, “Piss me off?”

“Yes.” Don nodded, “But as your father I guess that’s my job. Gee, you can’t run away from your responsibilities because you feel bad, because you’re upset. Everyone understands, we do. This is a terrible time for you. The divorce, Holly…but life doesn’t stop because of all of that. You’re a grown man with two children. You have to honor your obligations. You have to work through your pain not wallow in it.”

Gerard sat back. “You think that’s what I do?”

“Wallow in your pain?” Don nodded, “You’ve done it in the past. Instead of facing things you hide from them. Yeah, I do know that. But at the same time I know that deep down you are strong enough to handle anything.”

“I’m going to bed.” Gerard said standing. He heard his father sigh. He was almost out of the room when he suddenly turned, “Yeah, maybe that’s what I’ve done in the past, but no more. I’ll do what I have to do.” His voice grew softer, “I’ll do it for the people in my life that I love.”

Don smiled as he watched his son retreat. In his heart he believed the words Gerard had spoken.