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• Devotion

  (#) Riokshte 2006-07-14

  I know you can do alot better. I have to admit. The fisrt half of this part made me feel awkward. I think perhaps you could have made the flash backs more longer and detailed. Take your time in writing parts like those otherwise it makes it look like you rushed (a little bit) justto getto the part where sakura "kisses" kakashi. I htink you could give the flashback where sasuke raped sakura more depth and emotion. You could start talking about it more, involve more of sakura's feelings towards sasuke's wanting her to come with him. Include sasuke's thoughts about what he really wanted sakura for, things he said, why he would want her, things that sakura knew were wrong and such. I think you could put alot more work into it.
  Also, it seems like Naruto doesnt really belong, like you just threw him in there because of course he loves sakura and all but, try to add more depth to naruto's spirit and personality. Personally i found it quite shocking because who knows what Naruto would really say and how he would react to someone he loved who got raped. Although, naruto did hold sakura. the rocking back and forth cosoling her didnt quite seem like naruto. Him being the flamboyant seemingly "i'll-get-revenge-for-what-you-did-to-my-friends-" sort of type, i think (in my opinion) that instead os saying sorry the way he did, you could have him not only hold sakura but promise her thathe'll beat the crap outa sasuke for doing such a thing, and inside his mind naruto could be htinking "sasuke, whn i find you, im going to beat the crap outa you for doing this to sakura" especially since he know how much sakura loved sasuke.
  (just suggestions)
  Oh yeah, Tsunade's character was flawless except for when she started cussing at kakashi (that kinda scared me) but i also think that since tsunade did teach sakura alot as a medical ninja i think she woul have an affinity or a motherlike concern for sakura and would at least try and go see sakura to comport her (reall is up to you)
  Also, the excuse kakashi used for not folowing her (the relieving part) also, did not kinda seem like kakshi. Maybe, make up a beter excuse or, add more detail as to what happened (poor guy, tsunade is really scary anyway XD)
  
  Other than that, the kissing scene between Sakura and kakshi made me fall outa my chair. I loved that part XD also
  i like the way you describe him saying he was "sex deprived" XD LMAO! that was great XD
  Maybe also, i stringly believe what makes a story great, are the strong bonds between the characters in terms of how they treat each other (whether they wanna kill or love each other), thats how ppl can connect with the story and it become more likable.
  But srsly, bonds make the difference (only good one so far is between kakashi and sakura, yeah, yu included depth perception of feelings, and i loved that part.
  Othee than that, perhaps drafting and editing would help. And you have all the critique you need here in your reviews. (although i dont beleive just saying "dude, this needs work" and then not mentioning how, isnt really helpful) So i hope my review is helpful to you so writing becomes more enjoyable for you and readers. :D

  Author's response

  I have to admit I usually have no earthly idea what I'm really going to do when I start a fic. Because I'm lazy like that. -_-
  
  You're review was so, SO helpful, really! I thanked you in the new chapter's A/N. ^^ Also added more Naruto and tried to take tips on characterization from you. Very helpful. :D
  
  Seeing as I've never actually seen Tsunade in the show (shame, I know), I'm really glad you think I'm doing a good job with characterization. I couldn't think of a better excuse for Kakashi...because I'm bad at thinking up excuses (what can I say?). Also asking for a few betas soon...interested? ^^

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