FicWad

Ciao. Finalmente, finalmente aggiornato questo racconto. Mi molto dispiace per le aspettare. (hello. Finally, finally updated this story. I'm very sorry for the wait, for those who don't speak Italian. I have way too many exams on at the moment.) Comunque, this is chapter two which is still based around Gerard, same with the next chapter. After that, I start on all the other characters, three chapters per person as well. The title is from Rizzle Kicks and the song Frank plays is by Manic Street Preachers, both if whom you should listen to religiously. I hope you like this chapter and once again, mi dispiace per le aspettare, it has been a fucking age since the last update. Godere. (if I don't pass my Italian writing exam, I will be severely pissed.)
-B.xo

Chapter 2 - Demolition Man.

Gerard.

Gerard walked into his suburban home and slammed the door behind him, the sound echoing through the house. He walked straight towards the basement door, stumbling slightly on the stairs before he reached the familiar entrance.
His room was stuffy and dark, the eerie air suffocating him as he entered and flopped down on his bed, the alcohol he'd consumed on the way home really getting to him. The ceiling was spinning slightly as Mia's words danced around in his head. 
'Gerard, I think maybe you need to speak to someone.' 
He wanted so much to not let the words get to him, it wasn't the first time he'd heard them, but something about the way Mia said it, almost pleading, made it stick in his mind. It begun eroding away the wall he'd built around his feelings, around his heart, slowly creeping it's rugged branches in and gripping tight of everything he'd tried so desperately to conceal.
'Gerard?' He looked over to see Mikey, Allie and Kathryn stood in his doorway, looking at him with an apprehensive concern in their eyes.
The wall came crashing down.
His body shook with the tears he'd been suppressing for so long, pouring down his face like acid, stinging at his very soul. He clenched his eyes shut to try and stop the tears but they just kept falling. Everything just seem to stop, completely tranquil, as if the whole world had stilled, just to see Gerard cry. 
He vaguely registered his siblings presence, yet none of them moved to comfort him.
When his body become too tired to shake anymore, eyes dry of tears, he turned to look at the people stood in the doorway, ready to poor his heart and soul out to them, just like Mia had said, but they just stared at him with a cautious surprise evident in all their eyes.
Gerard could feel the anger prickling in his blood, transporting the poisonous feeling throughout his body and making it stiffen with rage. His eyes became devoid of their previous hopeful spark, now consumed by the rage that had birthed in his veins. 
He jumped up from the bed and walked to the other side of the room, making all his siblings jump before he turned back to face them. 
'The one time I cry in front of people, the one time I try to let it all out and all you can do is stand there in shock! You're supposed be my brother and sisters!' Both Allie and Mikey avoided his gaze ashamedly, but Kathryn didn't.
'Not like you've treated me as much of a sister anyway,' she said. Gerard could feel the red hot wave of animosity crash over him as he stared straight into her turquoise eyes. His fist clenched at his side, his muscles tense to try and stop him from lashing out. 
'I didn't know you, I don't know you. How do I know if you can trust you,' Gerard responded through gritted teeth. Kathryn's eyes flashed with annoyance before they melted into sympathy.
'Gerard, of course you can trust me, I'm not an axe murderer,' she said softly, taking a step froward. Gerard shook his head slightly frantically, Allie and Mikey sharing a worried look at their brothers behaviour. 
'No, I don't know you! You could do anything, betray me, humiliate me!' Gerard replied, taking a uneven step backwards. 
'Gerard, you've lived with me for a year almost, you're going to have to trust me eventually,' Kathryn reasoned. Gerard shook his head again and she sighed, turning to face Allie and Mikey as if to say 'you have a go'.
They both stepped forward to approach their brother, caution present in every step. 
'Gerard,' Allie began, 'you need to calm down, none of us are ever going to hurt you.' Gerard looked into her eyes, his own green orbs cold and unforgiving. He eyed her curiously. 
'I-I guess I know,' he responded quietly. Mikey approached Gerard and enveloped him in a hug, Gerard tentatively wrapping his arms round Mikey in return.
Gerard's heart began to calm, his brothers skinny arms easing away the anger he felt.
Mikey pulled back and smiled at him, Gerard's lips curving into a light smile themselves.
He looked back at Kathryn and Allie, both smiling at him warmly, and felt the anger almost melt away from his insides, a sort of happy guilt taking its place. He took a step backwards and looked into Mikey's brown eyes.
'Sorry,' he said, quietly, and Mikey reached out and put a comforting hand on Gerard's upper arm.
'Don't be,' he replied.
As quickly as the slight happiness had come, it had left and Gerard suddenly felt restless, out of place. He realised he'd done something to hurt his siblings and he could feel his insides writhe at the thought, a strong feeling of dysphoria crashing over him. The air around him became denser, thick like sludge, and he wanted nothing but to be out of there, to breathe.
'Hey, guys, I'm just, I'm gonna go out,' he said suddenly. Mikey looked at him curiously.
'Where to?' Allie asked. Gerard desperately tried to think of something to say that didn't sound ridiculous, so he just blurted out the first thing thought of.
'Frank's. I'm gonna go to Frank's, I said I'd go round earlier.' Mikey eyed him curiously but didn't say anything and Gerard could feel the guilt wrap around his stomach. He stared down at his shoes as silence gripped the room
'Okay..' Allie said slowly after an awkward pause, dragging out the vowels, and Gerard turned to look at her.
'What?' he asked, a confused crease in his forehead.
'I thought you were leaving,' Allie said pointing to the door with and unconvinced tone. Gerard's eyes widened.
'Oh, oh yeah. You guys have to leave my room first though, I don't want you in here while I'm gone.' Mikey walked past him to join Allie and Kathryn as they left the room, a look of concern in his eyes as he passed Gerard.
A look that made the older brothers skin crawl.
When his siblings had left the room, Gerard just stood there for a little while in the silence, the only sound the dull thudding of footsteps above him. His stomach wouldn't settle, contorting within him and causing a layer of bile to rise in his throat. He ran into the grimy basement bathroom and gripped the side of the toilet, wrenching the meagre contents of his stomach into the bowl, still half standing.
The pressure on his muscles was torture for Gerard, the veins in his temples throbbing as he slumped onto the floor. A feeling like he wanted to cry washed over him, dissolving as quickly as it had developed.
He closed his eyes and leant his head on the sink behind him, heart beating ferociously on his chest. His limbs digressed into a state of relaxation, almost turning to jelly as he sat there, barely staying awake in the relative darkness of the silent bathroom.
He abruptly jolted back into reality when he heard a long bang come from upstairs. He was on his feet before he'd even realised he'd moved, a nauseous feeling raining down on him as his vision steadied and he stared at himself in the mirror.
His eyes were bloodshot and framed with heavy bags, their usual bright green tone tainted. His hair was tangled and greasy, sick clinging to the ends in places. He began to feel a profound hatred form the person staring back at him. He wanted to punch the mirror, smash it into pieces and stop this vile person staring at him. He clenched his fists at his sides as it dawned on him; he was staring at himself. He loathed himself.
He wanted to destroy himself.
Gerard's mind seemed to lose control rapidly, his vision becoming blurry as everything became just too much. The rancid smell of sick infecting the air, his pulsing feelings of self loathing, the surrounding semi-darkness, his dishevelled appearance. He became overrun with sensations, feelings, urges. He ignored his pestering, chaotic mind and stumbled slowly toward the door and flung it open, racing across his room, up the stairs and out of the front door.
When he reached the pavement, he wretched again and spilled nothing but bile into the drain outside his house, wiping his mouth on his sleeve before walking slightly unsteadily down the street.
The sun had just set, turning the sky an inky blue as Gerard wondered aimlessly away from his house and towards anywhere.
His mind was foggy, his thoughts sluggish and disordered. He registered guilt in the pit of his stomach at his anger towards his siblings, but took no notice as he wondered through the grotesque wonderland of suburban Britain.
Before he knew what he was doing, he was walking down the street on which Frank lived, and approaching his house. A stab of nerves hit his stomach when he realised where he was, never intending to actually come here. His palms become slick as he rubbed them together nervously, stood frozen at the little gate to Frank's house. He was just as pissed off as he was nervous; he shouldn't be scared to visit his best fucking friends house for Christ sake. But he was. Very. And that really fucking annoyed him.
He slowly reached out and unlocked the gate, the small sound magnified in his ears. He pushed it open and stepped through, shutting it behind his back and making the all too short walk up Frank's red, looming front door. His knock radiated into the early evening surrounding him and he immediately regretted the action.
When the door swung open, Gerard was wearing a nervous smile which was quickly wiped off his face by the slap Frank hit him with.
Gerard's mouth opened in shock as he straightened his neck and clutched his stinging cheek.
'Prick,' Frank muttered. Gerard removed his hand and raised an eyebrow at Frank, regaining his composure.
'Prick yourself, prick,' he responded. The ends of Frank's lips tilted upwards slightly.
'Yeah, well,' was his only response. Gerard smiled slightly back at him.
'I'm sorry about...earlier, I shouldn't have lost it,' Gerard admitted painfully. Frank smirked slightly.
'No, you shouldn't have,' he said cockily, causing Gerard to glare at him.
'Can I come in then?' he asked impatiently. Frank stepped aside to let him in. Gerard hadn't noticed, but during his brief exchange with Frank outside, the nervousness had completely washed away. He smiled slightly as he followed Frank up the stairs and to his bedroom.
'So how was the first day of school?'he asked vaguely as Frank flopped down on his bed. His room was littered with clutter - clothes, guitar tabs, DVD's and god knows what else - and the whole place smelt slightly of weed. Frank shot him a smirk.
'Well, I've been home since lunch,' he said casually. Gerard gave him a knowing look.
'What the fuck did you do this time?' he asked, slightly cautiously.
'Well, I set a locker on fire then spray-painted 'education is for cunts' on the side of the science block. I've been suspended for three days.' Gerard shook his head, though he couldn't fight the fond sensation that pooled in his stomach at hearing the antics of his best friend. Frank merely shrugged and pulled a spliff out if his pocket, lighting it with the packet of squashed matches that he kept in his hoodie pocket 'for opportunities and emergencies,' or so Gerard had been told.
'You'll get expelled soon, you know,' Gerard said bluntly.
'And you, sound like my mother,' Frank responded quickly, inhaling before passing it over to Gerard, who did the same, glaring at the smirking boy.
Gerard laid down on Frank's bed, just looking around at his room, from the Black Flag poster hanging above him to the guitar leaning against the wall in the corner.
'When was the last time you played your guitar?' he asked suddenly. Frank raised an eyebrow at him.
'Today. I play it every motherfucking day, dude.'Gerard smiled at his response.
'Play me something then.' Frank stood up from the bed and went over to where the guitar stood, taking it from its stand and retuning to sit in front of Gerard on the bed, facing him.
'What song?' he asked, running his hands up and down the frets gently. Gerard shrugged.
'Any song.' Frank smiled at him as he placed his fingers on the strings, closing his eyes and playing the opening chords to If You Tolerate This Then Your Children Will Be Next by Manic Street Preachers, Gerard's favourite band. A smile creeps into his face as he begins to sing along when the verse comes in, Frank opening his eyes to smile back at him.
'The future teaches you to be alone
The present to be afraid and cold
So if I can shoot rabbits
Then I can shoot fascists

Bullets for your brain today
But we'll forget it all again
Monuments put from pen to paper
Turns me into a gutless wonder

And if you tolerate this
Then your children will be next
And if you tolerate this
Then your children will be next
Will be next
Will be next
Will be next

Gravity keeps my head down
Or is it maybe shame
At being so young and
Being so vain

Holes in your head today
But I'm a pacifist
I've walked La Ramblas
But not with real intent

And if you tolerate this
Then your children will be next
And if you tolerate this
Then your children will be next
Will be next
Will be next
Will be next
Will be next

And on the street tonight an old man plays
With newspaper cuttings of his glory days

And if you tolerate this
Then your children will be next
And if you tolerate this
Then your children will be next
Will be next
Will be next
Will be next.'

Frank kept eye contact with Gerard the whole time, his gaze intense and open, flashing an emotion Gerard couldn't quite interpret. He was struggling to decipher the feeling that had wormed it's way into his chest as well, all he knew is that is was strong. Very strong. It consumed everything he felt and before he knew it, he'd leant forward and crashed his lips against Frank's, the guitar wedged awkwardly between them.
Frank was taken by surprised and didn't have time to even think about kissing back before Gerard sprang back into an upright position, panting and staring at Frank who offered nothing but a shocked expression.
Before any words could be uttered from either of them, Gerard had stood up, ran downstairs, pulled open the door and dashed out into the mild September night, leaving a very disorientated Frank in his wake.
The still air lightly ghosted over Gerard's cheeks as he ran away from Franks house and in any direction his feet would carry him. Regret was spilling over and blending with the anger that had already sprouted within him. Why the fuck did he have to kiss him? Why couldn't he control his emotions? It's not like Frank was singing a fucking love ballad to him or shit. Gerard had an overwhelming urge to scream, to punch something, someone, but he just kept running, anger feasting on his insides. He ran through the park gate and stopped himself at the furthest bench from he entrance, panting as he fell onto the rigid wood.
The park was basically deserted, the occasional teenager lurking in the semi-darkness or a jaded person dragging their dog along, red faced and counting the seconds until they're back in their cosy house. Gerard felt more alone than he thinks he ever has in his entire life, sat there. Surrounded by life - plants, people, animals - just completely detached from all of it, cast out and empty. If he wasn't so exhausted, he probably would have cried. Or screamed and yelled and punched someone. A gnawing feeling of complete worthlessness just...took over him and he didn't even begin to fight it.
He doesn't know how long he sat there for before Eddi found him.
'What brings you to the park on such a wonderful night?' she asked curiously, a hint of sarcasm to her tone. Gerard let out a sigh he didn't know he'd been holding in.
'Eddi, I may have done something stupid,' he said bluntly. She merely raised an eyebrow at him and sat next to him on the bench.
'Are you planning on elaborating on that statement or are you just gonna leave it at that?' she asked calmly. Gerard turned to face her.
'I, like, did something royally fucking stupid. Astronomically stupid.'
'Well, if you want to tell me, you can trust me, but if you're gonna be a cunt about it, then there is a party at Dana's I was gonna go to.' Gerard smiled at her.
'Well, I...' he began, Eddi nodding for him to continue, 'I kissed Frank.' She smiled at him, emitting a sound which was most probably a laugh.
'Gerard, that's not astronomically stupid, trust me. Some of the guys were making bets on who was gonna kiss who first, out of you and Frank, so you've done most people, including yourself, a favour.' Gerard stared at her in complete, gut wrenching shock, his wide green eyes swirling wildly. He shook his head before speaking.
'Hang on, so like, everyone knows I...like Frank?' he asked, completely bewildered.
'Yes Gerard, you couldn't have made it more obvious.' He stared at her for a while longer, trying to process what she'd said. How could they have known? I mean, Gerard didn't really know if he knew himself. Until now, of course.
'W-what the-how?' he blurted. Eddi smiled at his confusion.
'We just knew. And we know Frank likes you back.' Gerard shook his head.
'There's no fucking way Frank likes me back,' he said defiantly. Eddi sighed.
'Well, that's personal opinion, but he is a big fat faggot, so the chances are actually quite high. Anyway, do you want to come to Dana's party?' Gerard smiled a little.
'I guess it couldn't hurt.' Eddi stood up and offered him a hand, which he accepted as they walked towards the entrance of the park.
'Eddi, why are we holding hands?' Gerard asked as politely as possible. Eddi shot him a look.
'Because, Gerard, you're practically a girl,' she replied. He hit her lightly with his free hand and they both laughed a little as they walked through the park gate.

*

When they arrived at Dana's house, the party had clearly already started.
The music blasting could be heard from down the street, somewhat dulled by the walls of the house. Inside was mostly dark, but you could make out people dancing and a light was switched on in one of the upstairs windows. A few people were stood outside, talking and smoking. Gerard smiled at the sight and his and Eddi's hands fell apart as they approached the house, just as Dana came tumbling out.
'Guys!' she called, 'come and join the fucking party!' Gerard smiled as they reached the house, Dana enveloping him and Eddi in a huge, awkward hug. All his worrying about Frank seemed irrelevant at the sight of drunk, tipsy and groping teenagers. All he wanted now was to get completely and utterly pissed. So paralytically drunk that he'd never walk straight again.
'Where the fuck is the vodka, I'm parched,' he said, smirking and imitating an English accent. Dana laughed and dragged him inside and into the kitchen.
'So, much happening with you?' she asked. Gerard could feel a knot form in his throat, pressing against it and urging him to spill the events of earlier, but he swallowed it down and smiled.
'Fuck all. What about you? What's with the party?' Dana beamed at him as she poured them both a vodka and Red Bull.
'Well, I figured, seeing as its the first day of college and my dads out of town, hello house party.' She passed him the drink and Gerard laughed a little.
'Well, it's a fucking epic idea.' They tapped their glasses together and took a generous gulp of the liquid.
'Fancy a dance?' Gerard asked, offering her his arm and trying to act suave. Dana smiled at him and linked her arm through his.
'You're not to bad at the whole 'smooth like a gentleman' thing, you know,' she commented as he lead her towards the other dancing teenagers. He merely smiled at her.
'I try.'

*

The night passed in a complete blur of dancing, alcohol, music and puke. Everyone was moving, bustling about and making as much noise as possible. Gerard loved the buzz in the atmosphere, the alcohol coursing through his veins, the air of rebellion.
As it crept through into the early hours of the morning, people began to leave, puking and stumbling down the street in a tangled mess of limbs and drunkenness. Gerard stuck it out though, downing shot after shot and never passing out or even feeling like he wanted to puke. Most of his friends were along for the ride, though some of them spent half the night with their heads stuck in the toilet bowl.
When the morning came, Gerard was awake before he opened his eyes. He could feel the sunlight burning his eyelids and making his pupils ache before he'd even moved. His head was throbbing, the blackness behind his eyelids spinning. Every muscle in his body felt like it had been through some kind of industrial grinder, stiff and aching. He opened his eyes slowly to be greeted by the light of the blinding sun. Squinting and moaning lightly, Gerard attempted to roll over onto his front and block out the sun, and that was when he realised someone was lying on his chest. In fact, a topless Frank was lying on his chest.
Gerard didn't feel so hungover after that. He lay there, unmoving, almost as if he was paralysed, and tried to think of a way to get out of this one. Before his scattered brain could even begin to formulate an idea, a pair of brown eyes were looking into his own.
Frank opened his mouth to say something but closed it when he realised there was nothing he could really say. He looked just as awkward and embarrassed as Gerard felt.
'Fancy a cigarette?' Frank asked uncertainly. Gerard nodded even though every part of his body and mind was screaming at him not to.
Frank clumsily stood up and found his t-shirt, pulling it over his head and waiting for Gerard, who jumped up from the sofa, causing himself to stumble and almost fall over, Frank rushing over to support him.
'Whoa, you alright?' he asked, concerned.
'I-yeah, stupid hangover.' Frank smiled up at him and suddenly, Gerard become all too aware of how close Frank was to him. His breath was ghosting over Gerard's neck as he looked up into his eyes, his hand resting on Gerard's waist and another on his arm. Frank was there, and Gerard thought he was going to be sick. He swallowed and tried not to show his nervousness at how close Frank was to him. Frank smirked up at him before moving away from Gerard and beginning to walk into the back yard, keeping his hand on Gerard's waist for as long as possible and slightly guiding the shocked boy into the garden.
When they got out there, Frank took a step away from Gerard and pulled a cigarette out from behind his ear and a lighter from his back pocket. Gerard reached around in his jacket for any cigarettes, finding some just as Frank offered him his lighter. He accepted with a weak smile and lit the cancer stick, the bitter fumes a beacon of relief from his hangover and this awkward as fuck situation.
He handed the lighter back to Frank and they smoked in a slightly awkward silence. The air between them was buzzing with some kind of nervous electricity and Gerard had the urge to reach out and touch Frank, though he kept his hands firmly to himself.
'I only kissed you because I'd had weed and I'm not used to it, like you,' Gerard said suddenly, cringing inwardly at his blatant lie.
'Whatever you say,' Frank responded as he exhaled, making Gerard's stomach churn. He avoided looking at Frank, gaze wandering anywhere except to the boy stood next to him.
He took one last inhale and dropped his cigarette to the ground, stubbing it out with his worn Vans.
'I'd better go, I've gotta get home. I might have a fucking college class or something,' he said quietly. Frank nodded, smirking slightly.
'I haven't got class for three days,' he replied. Gerard smiled at him slightly before walking towards the path down the side of Dana's house.
'Gerard!' Frank called when he'd just rounded the corner. He stuck his head back around the wall to look at Frank.
'Yeah?'
'You're a really bad liar.' Gerard swallowed the lump that had formed in his throat and turned his back on Frank, walking down the path and away from Dana's house. His stomach was clenched tight and a strange feeling had taken over his chest.
Frank knew he liked him. He knew he knew, he was just shocked Frank hadn't punched him. Maybe Eddi was right, maybe Frank did like him back. He shook his and tried to not think about it, but his thoughts kept wondering back to the kiss or Franks last comment, or waking up with a topless Frank on his chest. He wanted to slap himself for being such an idiot. For kissing Frank, for freaking out when he got so close, for lying; sometimes he was such a fucking idiot.
The walk to his house was surprising quick and the second he got in, he ran down to his bedroom and shut the door behind him, unclenching his fists, which he didn't even know he'd clenched.
He just stood by the door for a minute, staring at his room before he moved. He picked up his bedside lamp and chucked it at the wall, walking over to his desk and knocking everything off, picking up anything that would break and chucking it against his wall, anger consuming his entire being. He broke things he loved, ripped up drawings he was proud of, and screamed at the top of his voice. He pounded his fists against the cold, hard wall of the basement, his knuckles beginning to bleed and leaving splatters of red on the plain walls.
When he stopped, he stood completely still, panting, and rested his head against the wall, blood booming in his ears. His muscles relaxed and he could feel a wave of remorse crash over him. He didn't want to turn around and see what he had done, he's pretty sure he would want to cry. He closed his eyes and sighed deeply, his heartbeat beginning to steady. His heart felt like lead in his chest, heavy and bearing down on all his organs, making them feel crushed.
He reached into his pocket and pulled out his phone. Still facing the wall, he dialled Mia's number.
'Hey Gerard, are you okay?' she asked when she picked up. He sighed.
'I-no, not really. You know you mentioned that psychiatrist?'
'Yeah..?' Gerard braced himself and just, asked her.
'How long will it take for me to get an appointment?' His voice was smaller than he intended and he could practically feel the smile that would most definitely be plastered on Mia's face.
'You don't have to make an appointment, you just go along. Like drop-in sessions,' she replied, Gerard's stomach churning at her response. He could get an appointment...now.
'Meet me in the park in five?' he asked.
'Sure.' He nodded, even though she couldn't see and it slightly hurt with his head against the wall.
'Bye Mia.'
'Bye Gerard, see you in a minute.' He hung and stood up straight, turning slowly round to face his room.
His lamp and his various other things lay in pieces in his floor. Papers full of drawings, painting and writing were scattered around, some torn and some in one piece. The entire contents of his desk and bedside table were plaguing the carpet along with the contents of some of his drawers. Altered and broken objects occupied every surface.
Gerard swallowed and stepped over the clutter and to the door, shutting it behind him before climbing the stairs and leaving the house for the park.

*

Mia smiled lightly when she saw him, approaching him and wrapping her arms tightly around him.
'You're brave, you know that?' she said quietly.
'I don't fucking feel it.' She pulled back and smiled at him again before leading the way out of the own gate and toward the hospital.
They walked in silence for a while. Mia could tell Gerard was thinking. He wanted to turn around, to run away and forget he'd ever suggested this, but he couldn't. The hopeful spark in Mia's eyes told him that he had to do this, at least for her.
'This doesn't mean you're crazy, you know,' Mia said suddenly. Gerard looked at her.
'It doesn't mean I'm not though. Look at what happened with Frank's mum,' he said. Mia raised an eyebrow at him.
'That was one person. And besides, she's a lot better now, isn't she?' Gerard nodded slightly.
'There you go then. I know you're scared Gerard, but this is the right thing to do, okay?'
'Yeah, I know,' he replied, offering a small smile.
'We're here,' Mia said, pointing to the entrance of the hospital. Gerard's stomach dropped as he saw the doctors in their formal uniforms, running around, and the people in the waiting room, ill and restless. His legs tensed, as if ready to run, to get away from here. Sensing his panic, Mia took hold of his hand and lead him through the doors and into the sterile building, a new kind of determination blooming Gerard; he was gonna get some goddamn answers if it killed him.