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“Gees youse nots litstenin”

Gerard turned to his little daughter sitting beside him on the floor. “I’m sorry M. What did you just say?”

Molly tilted her head. Instead of repeating what she’d said before she asked. “Whats wong?”

He smiled “Sorry Squirt I just have a lot on my mind.” That was very true. He knew by now Bob must be at the hospital talking to Holly. While he still had wanted to go see her first thing this morning he’d listened to his fathers advice and had instead packed up his car, picked up Molly and was now in the process of unpacking boxes at his new home. Late last night when Don had finally returned from Mikey’s he’d told Gerard he’d talked to Bob. Don had assured him that Bob had no intention of granting Holly’s request to take Molly to Chicago. Bob understood why Holly was panicked and he understood that she needed Molly in LA where she could see her.

Molly sighed, “Somepen is wong.”

Gerard held out his arms and she immediately crawled onto his lap. “ I’m just sorta sad I have to leave in a few days.” He explained. “I wish I didn’t.”

“Youse and Uncle Mikey is gonna tour.” Molly nodded.

Gerard smiled, “Yep, we’re going on tour. But I’m sad I have to leave.”

“Youse sad because youse has to go?”

He nodded, “Yep. I wish I could stay.”

“But its youse job.”

He sighed, “Yep it is and I love to sing. But sometimes it’s hard to be away for so long.”

“Uncle Mikey says dat too.” Molly nodded seriously. “Mes wishes hes didn’t haves to go too.”

Gerard didn’t want her to be upset. “Yeah but Alicia is gonna take care of you when we’re gone.”

“Mes wuvs Wesha but mes wants mommy to take care of mes.”

He thought a minute then made a decision he hoped was right. “I know Honey but you have to try to be a big girl. You’ll need to help take care of your mommy when she gets out of the hospital. Think you can do that? Think you can help Alicia take care of your mommy?” He believed when Holly was finally released from the hospital she’d return to Mikey’s house until she was completely recovered. It was his deepest hope he’d be home before Holly decided to leave LA.

Molly nodded, “Mes helps mommy.”

“I’m sure that’s true. You are a good helper just look how much you’ve been helping me.”

She placed her little arms around his neck. “Mes wuvs you.”

Gerard’s eyes grew wet. “I love you too Molly.” He whispered hugging her. “Very, very much.”

****************

By the time he and Molly returned to Mikey’s the little girl was very sleepy. As Alicia took Molly to put her down for a nap Bob walked in.

“How is she?” Gerard asked as Bob sat down across from him in the living room.

Bob, who had let go of his anger towards Gerard, sighed. “I stayed with her until the physical therapist showed up. She’s still pretty upset.”

“What did she say?”

Bob took out a cigarette from the fresh pack he’d bought this morning after he’d convinced himself that he would quit again later. “She’s not doing good.” He said after lighting the tobacco then inhaling deeply. “I hate to see her cry.”

Gerard sat up. “She was crying?”

‘That’s what made me leave.” Bob explained. The physical therapist was just moving her legs slightly and the pain was so intense she started to cry.” He paused, “Shit, I can’t take seeing her cry like that.”

“Oh." Gerard sat back.

Bob stared at him. “You thought she was crying over you?”

“I didn’t think that.” Gerard ground out trying to control his anger. He definitely didn’t want another scene like yesterday.

Bob felt bad about what he’d said. “Sorry.” He too sat back trying to ease the knot of stress in his back. “To be honest I almost wish she would cry, not over you but because of what happened between you two. She’s back to holding all her emotions in and I fuckin’ hate it. Today when I first got there it was like talking to a robot. Her voice was flat and lifeless. She started again about wanting me to take Molly to Chicago.”

“And what did you tell her?” Gerard asked slowly.

“I told her that me and Molly ain’t going anywhere. That we’re here for as long as she is.”

Relief washed over Gerard. “Thanks for that, man.”

“I’m sure your old man told you he and I talked last night.”

“Yeah” Gerard nodded, “He did.”

Bob sighed, “I agree with him about Holly needing Molly here. That little girl will get Holly through this.”

“So how did she react when you told her you weren’t leaving?”

“First she was angry then she just got quiet.” Bob said softly.

“Fuck I wish I didn’t have this tour about to start.” Gerard said shaking his head.

Bob tried to soften his words knowing they would hurt. “Gee, it’s probably best that you are leaving. Holly has a lot of shit to deal with right now.”

“And me being here would make that worse for her?” Gerard’s tone was full of hurt.

“Right now she’s mentally and physically fucked up. She needs time to heal.” Bob answered honestly.

“And me being around her would be bad, that’s what you’re saying.”

Bob sighed, “Gee you know how Holly is. She just can’t be worried about you and your problems when she has so many of her own.”

“But I don’t want her to worry about me.” Gerard said. “I just want to be here to give her moral support.”

“But you know that’s not what would happen.” Bob said slowly knowing he had to tell him the truth. “She’s already got it in her head that Lindsey leaving had to do with you finding out about Molly.”

“What?” Gerard sat up. “That’s bull shit.”

“You told her that Lindsey cared for Molly the night of the attack, right?”

Gerard nodded, “Yeah.”

“She asked me if you’d told Lindsey.”

“Oh fuck.” Gerard knew where this was going. “And she knows that Lindsey found out that night.”

“Gee, I tried to tell her what you told me, that Lindsey had already figured it out herself.”

“And that’s the truth.”

“Well Holly doesn’t see it that way. In her mind Lindsey took Bandit and left once she found out you are Molly’s father.”

“So she’s fuckin’ blaming herself for the breakup, right?”

Bob nodded. “Yeah, and I sorta got the feeling that something your mom might of said reinforced that idea.”

“Why?” Gerard asked as his anger suddenly resurfaced. “Ma swore she didn’t let on to Holly that we knew about me being Molly’s father.”

“Don’t think she did.” Bob said. “But she must have said something that eluded to the fact that you didn’t try to stop Lindsey from leaving and now that Holly knows that you and Lindsey both found out the truth…” His voice trailed off as he thought a minute. “Holly wouldn’t give anymore details but she did mention that she believed Donna wished she’d never brought her into all of your lives.”

“Fuckin’ hell.” Gerard jumped to his feet. He spotted Alicia who was walking down the fall frowning.

“Gee, Molly’s asleep.” She’d heard his last outburst.

“Where’s my mother?’ Gerard asked lowering his voice.

Alicia’s eyes grew wide knowing something was going on. “Why? What’s wrong?”

Gerard asked again, “Where is she?”

Looking nervous Alicia explained, “Just before you got back she and Mikey headed to over to the hospital.”

“Did you know they were going there?” Gerard asked turning to Bob.

He shook his head, “No, they weren’t here when I got back which was right before you got here.”

“Shit.” Gerard nervously rocked back and forth. “I don’t want her talking to Holly. She’s upset enough and fuck knows what ma will say to her.”

Bob rose. “I’ll go back to the hospital.”

“I’m going.” Gerard said pulling out his car keys.

“Gee, that’s not a good idea.” Bob said.

Gerard’s anger was taking over. “What the fuck was Mikey thinking?” He asked Alicia. “He knows how upset Holly is.”

Alicia was taken aback. “Gee, Mikey wanted to talk to Holly. All this is tearing him up inside. He just thought if he talked to her he could make her see that no one is going to take Molly away from her. He just wanted to reassure her.”

“And he took ma with him?” Gerard shouted. “I told him what ma said about Holly and how she wished I’d never met her.”

Alicia hadn’t heard this before. “What? Donna actually said that?”

“Yeah, she fuckin’ did.” Gerard ground out angrily. “She’s so sure that Holly is to blame for what’s happened to my marriage she refuses to listen to the truth.”

Alicia was shaking her head, “I can’t believe she’d say that about Holly.”

Gerard’s anger was out of control, “Well she did. So in essence she was saying she wished Molly wasn’t here that she’d never been….. “ Suddenly his mouth snapped shut. There standing in the hallway was the little girl. Her eyes were full of tears.

Alicia started to go to her but Gerard rushed past her. He scooped Molly up into his arms praying she hadn’t understood what she’d overheard.

“Gee mes heards youse yellin”

He hugged her tightly. “I’m sorry Squirt. Did that scare you?”

She nodded as a stay tear fell down her cheek.

“Youse mommy donts wike mes?” Molly asked in a trembling voice.

His heart ached as he remembered what he’d been saying. “Don’t be silly. Of course my mom likes you, she loves you.”

“Buts youse said…”

He shook his head to quiet her. “You didn’t understand what I said. We all love you Molly.”

“Otay Gee.” She whispered but it was obvious she still wasn’t sure.

Gerard made a decision he hoped was right. “You know what Molly I have an idea. How about if you go with me to the hospital to see your mom?”

Alicia and Bob both gave him a shocked look but Molly smiled. “Now?”

“Yep, now.”

“Gee..” Alicia started to speak but he cut her off.

“We’re just going for a short visit. Then I’m gonna take Molly out to dinner.”

Bob looked at Gerard and said slowly. “I’ll call Mikey.” He was making it clear he would warn them that Gerard was bringing Molly to see her mom.

Gerard nodded, “Yeah, you do that. Tell him I’ll call him later tonight.” He then sat Molly down and took her hand. “Come on Squirt.”

*******************

As they walked down the hallway towards Holly’s room Gerard prayed he was doing the right thing. But he had to do something. It had hurt seeing Molly’s tears. He knew seeing Holly would make her feel better and he knew seeing Molly would make Holly feel better. He just hoped that when Holly saw him she wasn’t upset. Besides he reasoned he knew his mother well enough to know she’d never say anything in front of Molly.

He was shocked when they reached the room and saw that Holly had no visitors. Slowly her eyes opened as he and Molly walked in.

“Oh.” Holly blinked as her eyes focused and she saw Gerard holding Molly’s hand.

Gerard smiled, “Hey, I brought you a little visitor.”

“Mommy.” Molly smiled. She released Gerard’s hand then hurried over to the bed.

Holly was still staring at Gerard.

“Gee pwese wifts mes up so mes can sits on da bed.”

Gerard spoke softly. “Is it okay for her to sit on the bed?”

Holly forced herself to nod. “Just a minute.” She fumbled with the remote wanting to sit up.

“Here.” He took it from her and their hands brushed. A moment later she was sitting up in the bed. “Okay Squirt.” He lifted Molly and gently placed her beside Holly.

“Tanks.” Molly smiled. She took Holly’s hand. “Mommy better today?”

Gerard looked into Holly’s eyes and hated the fear he saw. “Uh, I’m gonna let you two have a little time to yourselves.” He didn’t want Holly upset. “I’ll be back in a little bit. Squirt you take care of your mommy while I’m gone, okay?”

Molly nodded, “Otay, Gee.”

He quickly turned and walked out into the hall. As he made his way to the waiting room his cell rang.

“Mikey where are you?’ He asked without a greeting.

“Uh.” Mikey shifted the phone from one ear to the other while casting a glance over at his mom. “I had a few stops I had to make before going to the hospital.”

Gerard cut him off, “That’s good because I don’t want you to bring Ma here. Take her back to your house.”

Mikey hoped that Gerard understood by the way he was speaking that their mom was nearby. “Uh yeah. Bob did call and tell us that Holly’s in a lot of pain today and that we shouldn’t visit her.”

Gerard understood, “So you’re taking her back home?”

“Yep.” Mikey answered. “That’s were we’re headed.”

“Good I’m sure Bob will explain it all to you when you are alone.” Gerard said while taking a seat in the corner of the huge waiting room.

“Okay Gee. So are you and Molly still unpacking?" He knew this was a lie because Bob had told him that Gerard had taken Molly to the hospital.

Gerard sat back in the plastic seat trying to get comfortable. “Yeah, that’s what Ma should think. After this I’m taking Molly out to dinner so I won’t bring her back until late.”

“Okay.” Mikey said as he put the keys into the ignition. “You want me to pick you up in the morning?” The band had a radio interview scheduled.

“Sure. We’ll talk then.” Gerard answered tiredly.

“See you then.”

*********************

Gerard waited twenty minutes then returned to Holly’s room. When he walked in he saw that Molly was cuddled up next to her mother.

“Hey Squirt.” He said moving towards the bed. “Time to go. We gotta let your mommy get some rest now.”

Molly who’s nap had been interrupted by the argument nodded looking very sleepy.

Gerard lifted her off the bed then took her hand.

“Bye bye, Mommy.” Molly said touching Holly’s hand.

“Bye Baby.” Holly whispered.

As much as he wanted to talk to Holly he didn’t. She wouldn’t even look at him.

They were almost to the door when Holly called out softly. “Gee, thank you for bringing her.”

He turned, smiled, but when he saw that Holly’s eyes trained straight ahead away from him he forced himself to walk out of the room.

**********************

Knowing Molly was tired he decided they should grab something quick for dinner. His daughter was trying very hard not to fall asleep as they pulled out of the hospital parking lot.

As he predicted she was happy with his fast food restaurant choice. He then asked about her visit with Holly.

“Mommy says seeing mes makes hers feel appy.”

Gerard smiled into the rear view mirror. “I’m sure it does. What else did you talk about?”

“Mes tolds mommy that we moved today.”

“Oh, you told her we were at my new house?”

Molly nodded.

“What did she say about that?” He asked gently.

“Nuffin” Molly shrugged.

Gerard hoped the fact he’d spent the day with Molly hadn’t upset her.

“Gee?”

He made eye contact with Molly, “Yeah?”

“Mommy’s sad.”

He tried to smile, “Squirt your mommy has been through a very bad time. But she’s gonna get better.”

Molly sighed, “She told mes to be dood for Wesha.”

“And you are good for Alicia.” Gerard smiled. “You are a very good girl, Molly. I’m very proud of you.” This he meant from the bottom of his heart. He was touched by Molly’s answer.

“Mes poud of youse too, Gee.”

*********************


Molly was asleep a few hours later when they finally returned to Mikey’s. Gerard, carrying Molly, started towards the door and was met by Mikey. Silently he followed his brother into the house where Alicia waited. She held out her arms.

“Let me take her. All put her to bed.”

Reluctantly Gerard nodded but not before placing a kiss on his daughters cheek.

“You got a few minutes?” Mikey asked once Alicia and Molly were out of sight.

“I’ll talk to you tomorrow.” Gerard said tiredly. He just wanted to get some sleep.

“Holly was okay with you bringing Molly?”

“Gee, I need to talk to you.”

Both men turned in surprise, neither had realized Donna was standing in a nearby doorway.

Gerard sighed, “Ma, I’m really tired.”

She folded her arms. “You took Molly to the hospital, didn’t you? That whole story about Holly being in too much pain for visitors was a lie.”

Getting into an argument was the last thing Gerard wanted right now but he couldn’t lie to his mother, “Yeah, Ma. I took her to the hospital to see Holly.”

“And you didn’t want me to see her.” Donna said evenly.

“Finding out I know I’m Molly’s dad really upset her…”

Donna took a stop foreword cutting him off, “Yeah, I’ve heard.”

“So then you understand why I didn’t want you to visit her.” Gerard said folding his arms in a challenging manner.

“Because you thought I’d say something to her.” Donna shook her head. “Gee, I’m really sorry about what I said before. I realize now that I misplaced my anger about your breakup on Holly.”

Gerard titled his head looking at her closely. “Really?”

“I talked to Lindsey this morning. She made me realize I was wrong to think Holly had anything to do with it.”

He was surprised his mother had talked to Lindsey again and slightly uncomfortable with that knowledge. “What did Linds say?”

“Just that your marriage ending was a long time coming.” Donna said sadly. “She let me know that Holly had been upset when she told her that she was going to ask you for a divorce and had even suggested counseling.”

Gerard nodded, “That’s true. Holly was upset about my marriage ending.”

Donna nodded, “Oh and Lindsey wanted me to tell you that they are coming back the day after tomorrow.”

Gerard was shocked, “They are?”

“Yes.”

“That’s great.” Gerard smiled. “I’ll get to see Baby B before we leave.”

“Lindsey said that’s why they are coming back. So you can see your daughter before you leave on tour.” Donna said softly. She sighed, “Now about Holly. I really want to see her before I leave.”

“You’re leaving?” Mikey asked.

Donna nodded, “Yeah, it’s time for me to get home. There’s nothing more I can do here. I’m flying home tomorrow.”

“Ma you’ve been a big help.” Mikey said quickly.

Donna smiled at her youngest son. “Not really but thanks for saying that.” She looked at Gerard. “So now you know why I wanted to see Holly. When I first met her she became almost like a daughter to me. I’ve spent a lot of time remembering and I’m angry with myself for a lot of things. I should have realized something was wrong with Sonja. I should have seen the truth.”

Gerard sighed, “Ma, none of us saw the truth.”

“But as a mother I should have.” Donna said, her voice filled with sadness. “I should have picked up on it. I also realize now I should have known there was much more than friendship between you two.” When she saw Gerard start to speak she raised her hand to silence him. “Yes, I know that’s how you two started out but there was just something between you two that was undeniable. She brought focus to your life, she made you really smile.”

“Yeah, she did.” Gerard whispered. “Being with her just seemed so right. I wanted to be with her all the time. I just always knew no matter what Holly would be there for me, that she’d understand. It wasn’t that I thought she’d go along with whatever I said or wanted.” He paused then smiled sadly, “Because Lord knows she called me out enough times. But even when she did I always knew she did it because she loved me.”

Donna shook her head, “So what happened, Gee?”

He sighed, “I was scared because I loved her so much. I didn’t want to leave her to go on PR. I wanted her with me.”

“And she couldn’t go.” Donna said softly.

“Yeah, and I didn’t understand why. But that don’t excuse the way I acted. Like a fuckin’ child I got mad and when that happened I started to question how much she loved me. I was so fuckin’ scared it wasn’t as much as I loved her.”

Donna closed the space between them to give him a hug. “Son, you can’t change the past.”

“I know.” He whispered. “And the hard thing to admit is I wouldn’t want to change all of it. I did love Lindsey and because of that I have Bandit. But it just sounds so wrong to say I loved Holly and Lindsey both.”

Donna stepped back to look into his eyes. “I’m sure your father can tell you all about that.”

Gerard and Mikey both gave her a shocked look.

Donna shook her head, “Neither of you ever knew, did you?”

“What are you saying, Ma?” Mikey asked.

“Your father was in love with two women once upon a time. But when forced to choose he married me. And I’m not saying he’d change that choice if he could, he loves you both so much. But the love he and I had for each other faded.”

Gerard had to ask, "What about the other woman?”

Donna looked down at the floor. “At the end of our marriage, when thing started to fall apart I knew your father had been seeing her again. I blamed her but I know now that was wrong. She didn’t cause our marriage to end, it was already over. But it was easier for me to have someone to blame.” Moving back to lean against the doorway Donna sighed, “A few weeks before the divorce was final she was killed in a car accident. Your father took it very hard.”

Mikey and Gerard looked at each other in shock.

“Her passing didn’t change anything between us. Our marriage was over.” Donna said softly.

Gerard spoke softly, “Ma, what time does your plane leave tomorrow?”

“Noon.”

He nodded, “Go to the hospital in the morning and see Holly.”

She looked into his eyes, “I’d like that. I want her to know that even though I don’t think it will matter that I will always be there for her.”

Gerard still felt bad about the stress that had been going on between him and his mother. “Hey, I know it’s getting late but if you’d like we could drive out to see my new house.”

Donna smiled, “I’d like to see it before I leave.”

********************

Late that night when he’d finally gotten back to the house after dropping off his mom he was happy he’d spent some time alone with her. They had needed to talk. Slipping off his shoes he smiled thinking about what his mom had said. She too loved his new place and had felt it was perfect for the new life he was about to start. He had needed to hear that, it helped hold at bay some of the fear that was always simmering just below the surface of his mind.