FicWad

Author's note: I originally wrote this for the Tokio Hotel fandom, over at THF. But, after a bit of tweaking, I decided to share it with you. It was inspired by the song Don't Jump/Spring Nicht - Tokio Hotel.

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Cold air whipped at his skin, viciously tugging at his hair, sending it flying in all directions. He stared at the ground hundreds of feet below him. He watched the cars drive by, their lights briefly illuminating the road before disappearing around a corner, or down a street. He saw people walk along the path, completely unaware of the figure above them, toes pointing delicately over the edge.

It was amazing that at such a height his mind could be so clear. Clearer than it had been for years. Tilting his head in to the breeze, Mikey took a deep breath, relishing the slight burn he felt in his throat. He found it strange that even so close to the end, so close to his death, he could finally think straight. Maybe that was why; he understood his thoughts now that he knew that the pain and confusion wouldn’t last for much longer.

He was finally at peace with himself. Only up here, on top of the block of flats, away from the everyone who acted like they understood was he content. Most importantly though, he was away from Gerard. Gerard, who clouded his thoughts, took over his mind and stopped him thinking about anything else, couldn’t touch him here. Here, with his head almost in the clouds, he was free. He didn’t have to hear his brother talking about the latest girl which had asked him out. Didn’t have to endure the continuous stories from every party his brother went to, each one a painful dig at Mikey’s heart, only reaffirming the fact that Gerard didn’t care for him. At least, not in the way that Mikey cared for him.

As he shut his eyes, a silent tear slid down his face, falling through the air and landing delicately on the path below. Mikey had tried to ignore his feelings for his brother. God knows, he’d tried, but he couldn’t push them away anymore. He could no longer pretend that they weren’t there, because they were. They always had been. That was why he was on the roof now. Gerard had driven him up here. He hadn’t done it on purpose, in fact he probably didn’t have a clue what his brother was feeling, but he’d done it nonetheless. Gerard’s unawareness of how Mikey felt had driven him to the edge. Driven him to the fine line between life and death. A line which he was about to cross.

All it would take was just one step forward. One step over the edge and it would all end. It would all be over. He knew that he should be scared. He almost willed his hands to shake, but he couldn’t make them. How could he be scared, when he was about to be happy again? Part of him felt like he should make some sort of speech. Explain to the world why he was doing his. He hadn’t left any sort of note. That was what everyone presumed happened when someone killed themselves. They left a note explaining how sorry they were. But he wasn’t sorry. He wasn’t sorry for any of it. For so long he’d attempted to cope and now he’d just decided to give up. In his eyes, there wasn’t anything to feel sorry about. He’d done his best and he’d failed. There was no shame in that. But there was one thing he wanted to say.

“Gerard.”

He whispered the name into the breeze, the sound vanishing almost before it had even passed his lips. All of his life, everything he’d done had revolved around his brother. He was the reason he never really got involved in relationships. He futilely hoped that if he remained single long enough Gerard would finally realise. Finally understand that he was the only one that Mikey wanted. But of course, he didn’t. Gerard was oblivious; he didn’t have a clue. He was far too wrapped up in his own world of drunken one night stands to even care.

“Mikey.”

His shoulders sagged as he heard a quiet voice behind him. He didn’t need to turn around; he knew who it was. There was only one person it could be with a voice that familiar. A voice that had haunted his dreams for as long as he could remember. He wished his brother hadn’t come. It would be all that harder to step over the edge knowing that Gerard was here. That wouldn’t stop him though. This was the time for him to go. He’d decided.

“How did you find me?” He spoke just loud enough for Gerard to hear despite his distance from him. Mikey kept his eyes staring forward, admiring the lights of the tall buildings in front of him. The city really was quite beautiful at night. The calmness was amazing; it washed over him and swirled around his body, keeping his heart rate steady.

“I followed you. You seemed so sad and distracted I wondered where you were going. So I followed.”

Of course. Gerard may be oblivious, but he was also nosey. Mikey had made a mistake in that respect. He should have waited until his brother was asleep before he left. What did it matter if Gerard woke up and didn’t know where Mikey was? He’d find out soon enough. Everyone would find out soon enough. The younger Way felt an ever so slight guilt about who would find him. He just hoped it wasn’t someone who had a child with them. No child deserved to see that. But that was irrelevant now. Gerard was here and he was going to have to listen to him try and persuade him not to do it. He didn’t need to ask how his brother had gotten on to the roof. He’d obviously done the same as Mikey had; used the stairwell at the back of building. Really, the stairs should be blocked off with more than a high gate. A simple gate hadn’t been a challenge for the brown haired boy, nor had it apparently been a challenge for his brother.

“Why are you here Gerard?” Mikey expected to hear an answer instantly, but was slightly surprised when Gerard didn’t answer straight away. Mikey continued to breathe deeply as he waited for the answer, smiling into the night. Why shouldn’t he? He had every right to smile. The tears continued to fall down his face, raining onto the street below, but they weren’t tears of upset. They were merely tears of acceptance. He’d accepted that this was his fate and now it was only a matter of time.

“To save you from yourself.”

He had to laugh at that, a short humourless laugh. Even now, Gerard didn’t understand. He didn’t understand that Mikey’s self was the only person he wasn’t running from. His self was the last person he needed to be saved from. Gerard. Gerard was the one he had to be rescued from, the one that fuelled his desperate search for an escape. Gerard’s inability to see Mikey’s love and desire for him. But at the same time, why should he see it? It was wrong. Brothers didn’t feel like that about each other. Wrong or not though, Mikey felt like that about Gerard and he could no longer pretend he didn’t.

“It’s not myself you need to save me from.” Gerard frowned, not expecting that answer. He took a step closer to his brother but promptly stopped when he spoke again. “Don’t come closer, otherwise I’ll jump.” Mikey’s voice was no longer completely calm; it now shook slightly, again not from fear, but anger. He didn’t want Gerard to be here. Gerard didn’t understand and Mikey couldn’t be bothered to explain it. Gerard knowing wasn’t going to change anything; he still wouldn’t want Mikey in the way which the brown haired boy desired. No matter how much Mikey wished it would, he knew it wouldn’t.

“Then who, Mikey? Just tell me who, and I can help. I want to help you.”

“You can’t help me!” He screamed, his voice battling against the wind. A sob wracked his slim body as he hung his head in defeat. “No one can help me. Not now.”

Gerard moved towards Mikey, stopping no more than a metre away from his brother. The sense of helplessness which he felt was unbearable. He didn’t know what to do. He had no idea why Mikey had come up onto the roof. Why was his baby brother so desperate that he was mere minutes away from killing himself? He’d always seemed fine to Gerard; he knew his brother was stressed from the general pressures of growing up, all teenagers were at times but no-one else he knew climbed onto a roof in the middle of the night.

“Is it something that you want? Because if it is, I’ll buy it for you. God Mikey, I’ll buy you whatever you want, just please come away from the edge.”

That was so typical of Gerard, thinking he could just throw money at a problem and it would go away. He didn’t seem to be aware of the fact that there were things beyond money; feelings, for instance. Heart break.

“Do you really think I’m that materialistic?” He snapped bitterly. “And besides, I have my own money, remember? If I wanted something, I could buy it myself.”

“Well, is it a person then? Mikey, help me to understand. Is it a guy? Because if it is, it doesn’t matter. People at school won’t think any less of you. Mum and Dad won’t. I won’t.”

Mikey’s lower lip trembled as he considered telling Gerard the truth. Would it really matter now? He wasn’t even going to be here to face the consequences. He’d only have to hear his brother’s rejection for a matter of minutes and then it would all be gone. Everything would be gone.

“I love you, Gerard.”

The older boy’s heart clenched as he thought that this was it. This was the moment when Mikey stepped over the edge. This was his little brother’s version of goodbye. “I love you too, Mikey. You’re my baby brother, so please don’t do this.”

Any other time, Mikey may have laughed, but now all he felt was beaten down. Even when he placed the obvious in front of Mikey’s face and made it as blatant as possible, he still didn’t understand. Perhaps he just didn’t want to.

“No Gerard, I love you,” he repeated, accentuating each word so that his brother had to understand.

The desperateness of the situation seemed to have kicked Gerard’s brain into gear, making it work a lot faster than usual. Had it not been as serious, he would probably just have shrugged and said something like ‘of course you do, what’s not to love?’, but everything had finally just kicked into place. It explained why Mikey always became so moody with him whenever he had a new girlfriend. It explained why he refused to go out with Gerard to clubs. It explained why Mikey didn’t seem interested in any girl that took an interest in him, no matter how hot they were.

“Okay,” he spoke slowly and softly, terrified that Mikey was suddenly going to disappear from his view. “Well, if you come down we can talk about it.”

“Why Gerard? You don’t feel the same, so it’s irrelevant. Why would I want to have a nice little chat about how you could never want me that way because we’re brothers and it’s sick and wrong? Don’t you think I already know that? I have to listen to you going on about girls and parties, day in, day out.”

“But most of those things are just drunken-”

“That’s not the point!” Mikey shrieked, the sound scratching at his throat, causing his voice to break. “It doesn’t change anything! Even if that stuff is just drunken flings, you do it! You want them. You’ll never want me.”

Gerard climbed up onto the ledge next to Mikey and swayed slightly as he realised just how high the pair of them were; a fall from this height, neither of them stood a chance.

For the first time that night, fear gripped Mikey’s body. Gerard wasn’t supposed to die tonight. Only he was supposed to go. He attempted to shove his brother further back onto the roof and only succeeded in making his place less secure. His left foot slipped dangerously close to the edge and he felt a warm hand grab hold of his ice cold one, pulling him a few inches back onto the ledge of the room. It wasn’t a lot and he could still easily jump whenever he wanted to, it just meant that there was less chance of him falling by mistake.

“If you die tonight then so do I,” Gerard said softly, not letting go of his brother’s hand. He wasn’t going to let go and risk him stepping over the edge without him. If one of them was going, then they both were.

“Gerard, no, go back,” Mikey pleaded desperately. This wasn’t how it was meant to happen. He had it all planned out; he was going to come up here and jump. That was it. Gerard had already delayed him and he was continuing to do so now. “You belong here.”

“I belong wherever you do,” the older boy countered. “And if you think that you belong dead on the pavement, then I will be right there beside you.”

Tears ran down Mikey’s face in a continuous stream, not able to cope with the things Gerard was saying. All he wanted was his brother to love him back in the same way. It wasn’t much to ask, was it? To be cared about.

“No matter what you do Mikey, no matter who you love, I’ll be there. You and I both know that you aren’t supposed to go like this. Despite what you think Mikey, I do love you. Maybe not in the same way, but we can figure it out. You and me; we can sort this.”

The brown haired boy’s knees went as the reality of the situation crashed around him. Dizziness swept over him as his brain finally realised how high he was. He felt his vision go blurry, his head spinning sickeningly as two trainer clad feet slipped off the edge and his legs began to follow.

Gerard let go of his hand, only to hook both of his arms round Mikey’s and pull them both roughly backwards. Refusing to let go of Mikey to stop his own fall, Gerard’s head snapped back against the concrete of the roof and his back collided painfully with it, forcing all the breath out of his lungs. Mikey collapsed on top of him, his small body shaking so much that it seemed as if he would break any moment. Burying his head into Gerard’s chest, he wailed into the material whimpering “I love you” and “I’m sorry” over and over. The black haired boy sat up, pulling his brother into his lap. Wrapping his arms comfortingly around the frail body, he gently stroked Mikey’s hair and tentatively pressed a kiss to the top of his head.

“It’s okay, Mikey. I’ve got you now, I won’t let you go,” he murmured soothingly, prepared to stay on top of the roof like that for as long as he needed. For as long as Mikey needed him.

The younger boy curled his fingers into the material of Mikey’s shirt, his sobs beginning to subside. The fact that his brother didn’t feel the same way broke his heart, but he had to hold onto the fact that Gerard was still here.

This time, his brother had been there to catch him.