Categories > Celebrities > Panic! At The Disco > This Is What It Means To Fall
“Are you sure about this?” Veronica nervously chewed on her fingernail, glancing at the club from her car.
“Yeah, I’m sure. Thank you so much for the ride.” I watched the entrance as people bustled in and filed out. Was I ready for this party scene after being out of the entire free will scene for what felt like so long? I felt like an alien around people. I felt as if they could see right through me.
“Well, do you want me to come in with you or wait for you?” Veronica watched me carefully, frowning.
“No, no it’s fine but thank you.” I was nervous but I had to do this. “I’ve got it from here.” I hope.
Veronica nodded. “Well, you know… still call me if you need to, okay?”
“I will.” I was surprised as she leaned sideways, wrapping her arms around me. We hugged for a few short moments and then she let go. I smiled nervously and opened the car door, unaware of a good follow up to that.
Veronica seemed to understand as she said nothing either.
The cold air forced goose bumps to erupt upon my skin and I forced my way towards the club, knowing that looking back would do me no good. Brendon had changed my life and there really was no turning back. I was his. He’d made damn sure it was that way and there was nothing I felt I could really do to change that; I wasn’t even sure I wanted to.
I realized numbly that I didn’t have my ID on me as I approached the door but thankfully someone was talking to the guard, completely gaining his attention with her… assets. I slipped by unseen and quickly adjusted to the warmth in the room.
I didn’t see him immediately, and the only way I found him was by his drifting voice. “Save your strength for the morning after.” He huskily whispered and I found him in the embrace of a busty brunette, who looked like she knew what she was doing. With Brendon she would never know though.
“Are you that exhausting?” She breathed out, face much too close for my taste.
I would have intervened had I some speech in mind but I did not, instead I watched. It felt similar to watching a car wreck. I just couldn’t look away but the pain continued to build.
“Hey there sweetheart, you look like you’re looking for something.” The fact that someone was speaking to me somewhat surprised me for I felt ugly after all of my time locked away. It was as if it’d transformed in to something less than human. I was whatever Brendon wanted and when Brendon didn’t want me I just ceased to exist. I just was.
“I-“ I shook my head, trying to gather enough words to have a casual conversation. “I’m not really looking for anything.” I lied.
The man grinned, leaning closer. “Well, since you aren’t looking for someone and you aren’t with someone… Care to be with me?” His hand made its way to my arm and he stroked my cheek with his other hand, as if I were a cat.
“I’m taken.” I blurted out, not wanting his hands anywhere near me.
The man frowned, “Aw, come on honey. If you’re taken then what the hell are you doing in a bar like this all by yourself?”
Well, because the person who has taken my heart won’t really, truly take me.
“Juliette?” I heard Ryan’s voice and then I could feel him behind me. “What are you doing here?”
The man stepped away from me, all physical contact ending. “This your boyfriend?” He nearly choked on his laughter, sizing Ryan up.
“No.” Brendon’s voice came from next to me and I did a double take in surprise as I realized he was standing next to me now. “I’m her boyfriend. You got a problem with that buddy?”
The man glanced at Brendon before shaking his head and wandering off, mumbling under his breath.
“What the hell are you doing here?” Brendon demanded, moving as if he was going to grab on to me. Instead his hands fell to his sides and he gave me a questioning glare, lacking intensity.
“We need to talk.” I was desperate to be with him now. Being alone didn’t feel right. Being without him just felt so wrong that I’d completely lost the meaning of right. “Can we please talk?”
Ryan coughed nervously, “Well, I… um I’ve gotta get back to my motel room.”
He quickly left the tense situation.
Brendon was still staring me down. “Why are you really here?” He glanced around nervously, as if expecting the police.
“You can’t just leave me.” I sounded so pathetic.
Brendon sighed, “I can’t do this anymore Juliette. I’ll hurt you and you know that.”
“You’ll hurt me more if you just leave.” It was the truth but it was a bitter truth, one I didn’t particularly enjoy to admit. “I like being with you and I like-“ I froze for a moment, wondering how terrible it would sound coming from my lips, “I like the pain.”
“You like it or you can deal with it for my sake? It’s one or the other and they are very different things Juliette, very different.” Brendon’s eyes burned in to my eyes, sinking in to me. I didn’t think that I could ever get over his eyes, so beautiful and dark.
“I kind of…” I glanced around, embarrassed and ashamed of my admission. “… I like it and I like it when it’s you doing it.”
“Really?” Brendon had moved a little closer.
“Really. So please, don’t just leave me when you’re all I’ve really got right now.” I’d never really let my defenses down like this before with Brendon. He’d hurt me before but I knew this time would hurt so much more because of my own admissions.
“We should go somewhere private.” Brendon finally said after a long drawn out moment of silence.
I just nodded, letting the relief wash over me.
Just being near Brendon felt better.
What was wrong with me?
The hotel room was nice and I was immediately drawn to the comfortable looking bed while Brendon went to the bathroom. I listened intently to the sound of running water as he washed his face.
Once done he walked out looking completely refreshed, “It’ll be so fucking nice to get some sleep.”
I could do nothing but agree seeing as how he had driven us to the hotel while so obviously under the influence of alcohol. His zigzagging and complete disregard of all speed limits was a little frightening.
“Are we headed back tomorrow or- or do we have plans with your friends first?” I couldn’t help but choke on the sentence as Brendon began undressing. It wasn’t as if I hadn’t seen him naked before but… it still took my breath away.
“We can do whatever you want baby.” Brendon responded, walking closer to the bed. “Can you promise me something tonight though?”
“What?” I would promise him anything at this point, just for a simple touch.
“Promise not to scream.”
I swallowed hard but nodded, quietly speaking. “I promise.”
“Good girl.” Brendon kissed my forehead, giving me just a little glimpse of paradise.
**
“Yeah, I’m sure. Thank you so much for the ride.” I watched the entrance as people bustled in and filed out. Was I ready for this party scene after being out of the entire free will scene for what felt like so long? I felt like an alien around people. I felt as if they could see right through me.
“Well, do you want me to come in with you or wait for you?” Veronica watched me carefully, frowning.
“No, no it’s fine but thank you.” I was nervous but I had to do this. “I’ve got it from here.” I hope.
Veronica nodded. “Well, you know… still call me if you need to, okay?”
“I will.” I was surprised as she leaned sideways, wrapping her arms around me. We hugged for a few short moments and then she let go. I smiled nervously and opened the car door, unaware of a good follow up to that.
Veronica seemed to understand as she said nothing either.
The cold air forced goose bumps to erupt upon my skin and I forced my way towards the club, knowing that looking back would do me no good. Brendon had changed my life and there really was no turning back. I was his. He’d made damn sure it was that way and there was nothing I felt I could really do to change that; I wasn’t even sure I wanted to.
I realized numbly that I didn’t have my ID on me as I approached the door but thankfully someone was talking to the guard, completely gaining his attention with her… assets. I slipped by unseen and quickly adjusted to the warmth in the room.
I didn’t see him immediately, and the only way I found him was by his drifting voice. “Save your strength for the morning after.” He huskily whispered and I found him in the embrace of a busty brunette, who looked like she knew what she was doing. With Brendon she would never know though.
“Are you that exhausting?” She breathed out, face much too close for my taste.
I would have intervened had I some speech in mind but I did not, instead I watched. It felt similar to watching a car wreck. I just couldn’t look away but the pain continued to build.
“Hey there sweetheart, you look like you’re looking for something.” The fact that someone was speaking to me somewhat surprised me for I felt ugly after all of my time locked away. It was as if it’d transformed in to something less than human. I was whatever Brendon wanted and when Brendon didn’t want me I just ceased to exist. I just was.
“I-“ I shook my head, trying to gather enough words to have a casual conversation. “I’m not really looking for anything.” I lied.
The man grinned, leaning closer. “Well, since you aren’t looking for someone and you aren’t with someone… Care to be with me?” His hand made its way to my arm and he stroked my cheek with his other hand, as if I were a cat.
“I’m taken.” I blurted out, not wanting his hands anywhere near me.
The man frowned, “Aw, come on honey. If you’re taken then what the hell are you doing in a bar like this all by yourself?”
Well, because the person who has taken my heart won’t really, truly take me.
“Juliette?” I heard Ryan’s voice and then I could feel him behind me. “What are you doing here?”
The man stepped away from me, all physical contact ending. “This your boyfriend?” He nearly choked on his laughter, sizing Ryan up.
“No.” Brendon’s voice came from next to me and I did a double take in surprise as I realized he was standing next to me now. “I’m her boyfriend. You got a problem with that buddy?”
The man glanced at Brendon before shaking his head and wandering off, mumbling under his breath.
“What the hell are you doing here?” Brendon demanded, moving as if he was going to grab on to me. Instead his hands fell to his sides and he gave me a questioning glare, lacking intensity.
“We need to talk.” I was desperate to be with him now. Being alone didn’t feel right. Being without him just felt so wrong that I’d completely lost the meaning of right. “Can we please talk?”
Ryan coughed nervously, “Well, I… um I’ve gotta get back to my motel room.”
He quickly left the tense situation.
Brendon was still staring me down. “Why are you really here?” He glanced around nervously, as if expecting the police.
“You can’t just leave me.” I sounded so pathetic.
Brendon sighed, “I can’t do this anymore Juliette. I’ll hurt you and you know that.”
“You’ll hurt me more if you just leave.” It was the truth but it was a bitter truth, one I didn’t particularly enjoy to admit. “I like being with you and I like-“ I froze for a moment, wondering how terrible it would sound coming from my lips, “I like the pain.”
“You like it or you can deal with it for my sake? It’s one or the other and they are very different things Juliette, very different.” Brendon’s eyes burned in to my eyes, sinking in to me. I didn’t think that I could ever get over his eyes, so beautiful and dark.
“I kind of…” I glanced around, embarrassed and ashamed of my admission. “… I like it and I like it when it’s you doing it.”
“Really?” Brendon had moved a little closer.
“Really. So please, don’t just leave me when you’re all I’ve really got right now.” I’d never really let my defenses down like this before with Brendon. He’d hurt me before but I knew this time would hurt so much more because of my own admissions.
“We should go somewhere private.” Brendon finally said after a long drawn out moment of silence.
I just nodded, letting the relief wash over me.
Just being near Brendon felt better.
What was wrong with me?
The hotel room was nice and I was immediately drawn to the comfortable looking bed while Brendon went to the bathroom. I listened intently to the sound of running water as he washed his face.
Once done he walked out looking completely refreshed, “It’ll be so fucking nice to get some sleep.”
I could do nothing but agree seeing as how he had driven us to the hotel while so obviously under the influence of alcohol. His zigzagging and complete disregard of all speed limits was a little frightening.
“Are we headed back tomorrow or- or do we have plans with your friends first?” I couldn’t help but choke on the sentence as Brendon began undressing. It wasn’t as if I hadn’t seen him naked before but… it still took my breath away.
“We can do whatever you want baby.” Brendon responded, walking closer to the bed. “Can you promise me something tonight though?”
“What?” I would promise him anything at this point, just for a simple touch.
“Promise not to scream.”
I swallowed hard but nodded, quietly speaking. “I promise.”
“Good girl.” Brendon kissed my forehead, giving me just a little glimpse of paradise.
**
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