FicWad

I watched him enter - I always watch him, he's beautiful - and slide his gun into the holster strapped to his hip. He wiped his bloodstained hands in his pants. I shuddered at the thought of whose blood it was and of how many men Frank had killed in his life, but it didn't matter how much of a monster he was though. I was still hopelessly in love with him…

I'd always hated the mafia. I only became part of their messes up world because of the brother, Mikey. He'd gotten into all this mafia shit when he was younger and I'd hated it then. I'd always try to convince him to give it in but he's just smile and say he was 'too far gone.' I always worried about him being part of this world of blood and revenge, and now I was part of it for that exact purpose.

It's been about two years since Mikey died. I remember the day they brought him home in the body bag. Frank had been the on to tell me what happened. He told me everything when no-one else would tell me anything. He understood. I remember the agony I had felt, the crushing guilt for not trying hard enough to keep him safe, but most of all I remember the overwhelming desire for revenge. That was when I decided I needed to get back at the guys who did this to Mikey, and to me. They needed to feel the pain I had felt. That was when I joined up with the mafia.

I regretted my decision almost instantly, but I soon got over that. We were taught to ignore emotions, particularly ones like regret, they just got in the way. I was taught a lot, like how to handle a gun, how to stitch myself up if I got shot, stuff like that. The main thing though, the thing they battered into our brains at every opportunity was trust no-one. Trust. That was a big no in a business like this.

My thought's were interrupted by Frank, snapping his fingers in front of my face. He smiled down at me, and told me that The Don wanted to see me. He had a job for me. I stood up and sighed, trudging out of the room. Frank placed a sympathetic hand on my back as I walked past. He knew how I felt about all this. I always told him everything.

I swallowed nervously, straightening my shirt before stepping into The Don's office, being sure not to make eye contact. Don sat behind his desk, drumming his fingers on the top while I gingerly sat down in the chair opposite him. He opened up his drawer and pulled out a file. He slid it across the desk towards me.
'David Tyler' he grunted at me 'Take care of him.'
'Yes Sir, I'll go and get Frank and we'll leave right away' I mumbled.
'No Gerard, I want you to go alone this time. It only requires one man to kill someone'
I tensed as he said this and fear coursed through me. I looked up and finally caught Don's eyes, and by the menacing look glinting there, I could tell that he knew. You see, I've not exactly been entirely honest with everyone here, except Frank of course, you see I've… I've never actually killed anyone before. Two years in the mafia and I still haven't killed anyone yet. Whenever I was assigned to that kind of shit, Frank always went with me and he always did the killing, even though most of the time The Don asked for me personally to do it.

I never wanted to kill anyone. Well, that's a lie, I wanted to kill the guy who took Mikey from me, but I hadn't managed to track him down yet. If I was going to kill at all, It was going to be him. I didn't want to kill anyone else, because that would make me a monster. Not that killing the guy who got Mikey was justifiable, but at least I had a reason. I was scared of killing people, scared of what it would turn me into. Frank knew this of course, so that's why he always went with me. He took care of me. That is one of the many reason why I love Frank, though I'd never tell him that.

4 hours later…

I did it. I killed a guy. I took out my gun and I shot him, twice in the back of the head. I took the cowards way out and shot him from behind. I didn't want to see the look on his face when the bullet entered his skull. I had stood as far away as possible whilst still being able to hit him accurately and kill him instantly. I tried to avoid getting blood on me, but it was inevitable I had to when I realised I had to hide the body. I now literally and figuratively have blood on my hands.

When I got back to headquarters, I sprinted inside and locked myself in one on the tiny rooms. I collapsed on the floor, sliding down the wall and began sobbing uncontrollably. I. Just. Killed. Someone. Someone's life had ended because of me. What if he had a family, and kids? They would have felt the same way I had when Mikey died. I couldn't stand that. The thought of anyone else having to go through what I did, especially at my hand. Anger began tu boil up inside me. Anger at The Don for making me do it. Anger at Frank for not being there for me this time, but mostly anger at myself for committing the God damn murder in the first place. I caught sight of myself in the mirror. I looked different. I looked like a monster. I was disgusting.

I couldn't stand looking at myself any longer so I pulled back my fist with a snarl and brought it crashing forward into the mirror. I growled in pain as glass shard embedded themselves in my knuckles, but the pain felt good. I hadn't hit it hard enough though, and half the mirror was still intact. I could still see my twisted face visible in the remnants. I screamed at my reflection and began tearing at my hair and clawed at my face, trying to cause myself as much pain as possible. I began flinging myself around the room, yelling all the while. Eventually I grew tired and collapsed against the wall again, sobbing quietly in a ball on the floor. Blood was streaming down my face and my head and limbs ached.

There was a soft knock at the door.
'Gee… Gee can I come in?'
It was Frank. I pulled myself up off the floor, sighing and unlocked the door. Frank's eyes widened when he saw me.
'Oh my God Gee… What have you done?'
He pushed me back into the room, closing the door behind us. He pulled me over to the other side of the room, away from the broken pieces of mirror that scattered the floor. He sat me down, propping me against the wall and sat opposite me, I had ceased crying by now and Frank gently took my hands in his and inspected the wounds. When he was done he did the same with my face. He then stood up and left the room. I watched him go and he came back a few minutes later with a cloth and a bowl of water.

We sat in silence for a while, while he cleaned my cuts. It wasn't awkward though. It was a comfortable silence. To me it was a silence that said 'I understand'. Frank finished fixing me up and sat back, just looking at me with those big beautiful hazel eyes of his. I stared into them and they told me it was okay to cry and let my guard down. Frank made everything better.

'I killed someone Frankie' I chocked out, my eyes beginning to water.
'I know Gee, I know but that's just something you have to get used to now hon. We've all done it.'
I jumped up from the floor and towered over him.
'Frankie, I fucking killed someone' I could feel my anger resurfacing again and my voice got louder. 'I can't just brush that aside and pretend it didn't happen. I ended someone's life! What if he had a family?' I was shouting by now and the tears were streaming down my face. 'I can't just forget something like that. I'm not an emotionless robot like you!' I shot at him. I instantly regretted saying it. He closed his eyes momentarily and when he opened them again, they were brimming with tears.

I slumped back down next to him, my own tears still falling.
'Frankie…I…I'm sorry, I didn't' He cut me off.
'No you're right Gee, I am and emotionless robot.' The tears spilled over.
'I've been shutting away all these emotions for years, because it's what I was told to do. I was good at it, and then you came along and you got me all confused, and I started feeling things again Gee. You made me happy.'
'I…I made you…happy?' I stammered 'but I'm a monster.'
He exhaled an moved closer to me, pulling me into his arms.
'You're not a monster Gee, you're beautiful and…' he took a deep breath.
'I love you.' and with that he pressed his lips to mine.

It wasn't a long kiss, but it didn't need to be. So much love and care was packed into that one tiny kiss. We both pulled back and I looked up at him from my position huddled up in his arms.
'uhm… I love you too' I murmured softly.
He smiled at me and leaned back against the wall, pulling me so my back rested against his chest. He sighed and kissed my neck gently.
'Don't worry Gee. I'll take care of you' he whispered.
And so I did what we were taught never to do.

I trusted him.