FicWad

Jared watched as the world passed him by from the window of his bedroom. Night fell when the day darkened and nothing at all seemed to change. The wind stayed the same, the clouds still skirted along the sky, and the day to day process passed by. He wanted something to change, some sort of sign that said that life would still progress no matter what had happened to him. Something that said that nothing was going to just stop because of what he had experienced. But he saw nothing. Nothing offered him solace. He was by himself in this, forced to deal and he was never good at dealing with anything.
The day after Shannon had gone with the police he had come downstairs to find Emma saying goodbye to his mom. She was teary, unable to look at him and he had been unable to look at her. How could anything be the same? How could they slip back into the way things used to be? It was almost impossible for that to happen. He went back upstairs to his room and looked down from his window and watched as she loaded her things into the back of a cab. He wasn’t sure where she was going, what was going to happen. When she looked up at him though he knew that it was all over between them. He felt something bite him on the inside. He knew that everything he had attempted to change for had been a lie, had been an absolute false foundation. That meant his change had never been real. She gave him a wave, a small and timid one but he just looked away. He looked away and let his eyes slide shut. He was going to let the world take her and do with her as it saw fit.
He hadn’t been able to think of Shannon. Hadn’t been able to wonder if he would ever go and see him. He didn’t even want to know what sentence he would receive. He knew that his confession had come early on, he had given everything up almost immediately and then he had fallen quiet, saying nothing at all. He knew that nothing between them would ever work again. How could he blame only him? When Jared himself had destroyed the bond that had always been there? Perhaps they were both at fault. And perhaps that was what hurt the most.
He rose up from his bed, pushing aside the covers and sat on the edge with a heavy breath escaping his lips. He felt the most alone he had ever felt in his entire. He was back to where he had started in the deep mire of his own mistakes.
Dragging himself into the bathroom he avoided looking at his hollow appearance and did what he could to make himself at least a bit presentable. He fixed his hair a bit, pulled on a jacket and made his way downstairs. It was quiet, dark and full of the night he had just spent hours staring at. He grabbed his keys and made his way outside into his car.
The drive was short and really without serious direction. He walked into the smoky atmosphere and sat at the bar. He got himself a drink and drowned back a few of the same orders. The alcohol hit his head harder than he had expected but he didn’t care. He liked the numb that came with the intoxication. He needed it, wanted it to make disappear everything that had only just happened. He was ready to forget, ready to slip back into the life he knew he was damned to live.
A girl came up next to him, asked him to order her drink. He found himself leaving with her soon enough, laughing with an emptiness and forcing himself to talk. He insisted the car was just fine and he sat back and let himself descend into the way of life he had left behind. She kissed him hard and he kissed her harder, finding in her everything about himself that he hated. She didn’t recognize his obvious anguish past the drinking they had both done and once the sex was over she clumsily wrote down her number and said she had to get going.
He sat there for awhile, again watching the night stretched down the road. He rubbed harshly at his eyes, dispelled every memory of his brother and what he had purposely done to him. Dispelled every hope he had found in Emma and then the realization that she hadn’t cared at all for him, that she had in some ways hated him. He didn’t want to think of Alicia of his own jealousy towards Shannon for having something so wonderful and then his plan to destroy it. But he couldn’t stop thinking of Alessandra lying dead on her own bed and that note to him scrawled out on the wall. It made him sick to his stomach. The extra print still haunted him, still confused Detective Hiddleston. He just couldn’t understand it.
He pulled his car into the driveway of the house just as dawn began to peak in the sky. The sun glowed pink in streaks and he felt a heaviness fill his head as his drunkenness began to wear off. He walked without determination into the house and hung up his keys.
“Where have you been?” It was his mom who was sitting on the steps of the staircase. She had a glass of water in her hands and anger was all over her face.
“Went out for a drink.” He muttered, unable to contain his confusion over her sudden anger. She had done what she could to stay out of his way aside from treating him like he was the child he hadn’t been for many years.
“All night?”
“Yeah….I’m just going to get to bed.” He stated trying to move past her but she stood up in his way. “Mom I’m sorry, alright? I won’t forget the time next time.”
She looked down at him pointedly, the anger washing away with a bit of sadness. She was looking at him like he was a child again, that small boy she had raised and she had been unable to let go of. Her baby boy.
“Please don’t Jared…I can’t lose you again, not to anything…not again.” Her eyes began to well with tears and her voice darkened.
He stood there watching her, unsure what to think. He wanted to say something but she moved up the stairs before he could and went to her room. She gave him one last look before she clicked her door shut.
He felt paralyzed, unable to move a single muscle or even let out a breath. Something in her tone, in the way she had looked at him, something about the possessive way she suddenly seemed to deal with him. Everything about it suddenly began to make sense.
It made sense why Shannon took the whole blame, why he would silently confess to the entire ordeal. Why Shannon went with the police without reluctance. He wanted her affection and yet still he didn’t have it. He did it all at her behest and still he was alone without her. It explained everything it seemed and it explained the unknown fingerprint at the crime scene.
Jared let out a laugh, a strained and broken one just as tears pearled on his lashes. Everything pieced together in his head. Pieced together and made him know that the entire world wasn’t a world at all. It was a dammed strangeland.