FicWad

(Brendon’s POV)



I wasn’t ready for this…

It was just sex, just incredible sex… and not even my first time. Why was I acting like it was my first time, and I was heartbroken? Oh, wait. I was pretty damn heartbroken. “Another please.” I requested loudly, catching the bartender’s attention.

Knock it off and stop acting like a little girl.

The burning liquid did nothing to snap me out of my bittersweet thoughts, and I wished I’d never met Hayley. It wasn’t fair. Why was she doing this to me? How could she not care at all? Nothing personal. Nothing had ever felt so damn personal.

“We’ve been looking for you.” Ryan slid in to the chair beside me, shooting me a crooked smile. “Weirdly enough we forgot to check the bars.”

I hate you Hayley.

“I just needed to be alone.” In this crowd of people, all as pathetically broken as me.

Ryan nodded, “Spencer called Hayley. She told us what happened.”

“So she told you how she viciously ripped my heart out while I was vulnerably lying in bed, without a chance of protecting myself?”

“She left out the details but yeah, we got the gist of it.”

I laughed bitterly, “Well at least I don’t have to worry about conforming for her, and I won’t have to leave the toilet seat down or anything.” Another shot was placed in front of me, even the bartender knew how hopelessly hurt I was. Did I just radiate desperation?

“It’s okay to hurt.” Ryan notified me, glancing towards the door.

I didn’t care to look at what he was looking at but then I heard Jon’s voice, and then Spencer’s. “Fuck, we finally found you.” Jon said.

“Yeah man, are you okay?” Spencer asked, sounding oh so worried.

Why couldn’t they just leave me alone?

“Another.” I croaked out, another shot being set in front of me seconds later.

“He’s had enough.” Ryan told the bartender, just as I downed the bitter shot.

“I don’t think I’ll ever have enough.” I spit out, glaring at the counter across from me.

“She’s just a girl.” Jon said, shaking his head. “And you didn’t know her for that long… someone better will come along.”

“Shut up.” I snapped, closing my eyes tightly. “Just shut up, just stop trying to tell me how to feel, or what is okay to feel… just don’t.”

Ryan gently placed his hand on my back, attempting to bring me some comfort. I quickly shook it off, turning to look at Spencer. “Spencer, why couldn’t she feel the same way I did?” Spencer looked down, as he attempted to hide the pain from his own face. I saw it though. “What?” I breathed in deeply, breathing out just as hard. “What did she say Spence?” He was the one to talk to her.

“She…” Spencer sighed heavily, running his hands through his hair. “Hayley doesn’t want you to call her anymore.” I’d been calling her all damn day. I just wanted her to tell me herself. Why couldn’t she do that? Why couldn’t she at least break my heart on her own, without some fucking note?

“Oh.” I breathed the word out, angry tears fighting for freedom but I wouldn’t give it up. I wouldn’t cry, not right now, not in front of all of my friends. I wouldn’t give that to Hayley.

I struggled to pull my cell phone from my jeans pocket, harshly sliding it across the counter to Ryan. “Delete her number please.” I begged, knowing I wouldn’t be able to.

“Are you sure?” Ryan asked, hesitantly picking it up from the counter.

Goodbye Hayley.

“Yes, please just do it.” It would save me the pain of calling her again, and again and the humiliation of her never picking up.

Ryan nodded and his fingers quickly went to work as he searched for her contact details.

“Can you-“ I swallowed hard, “Can you leave the pictures I took of her alone, please? I still want those.” You don’t need them. But I wanted them. They’ll haunt you.

Ryan nodded, “I won’t touch them, unless you ask me to.”

I wouldn’t.

Seconds later Ryan was sliding my cell phone back to me, and I clutched on to it for dear life, feeling a growing emptiness build up inside of me. I felt worse than I’d ever felt before.

Hayley always fixed this feeling. She always knew how to make me feel better.

But Hayley didn’t care about me anymore.

Did she ever care?

I shook my head so hard that I was almost afraid I would break my neck. “I’m ready to go back.” I finally mumbled.

It took three tries to successfully get off of the barstool.

Once I was finally standing I nearly fell, but Jon grabbed on to me.

Even if Hayley couldn’t love me, at least my friends did.







**





(Hayley’s POV)



“Hayley, get out of bed!” Amy’s voice burned my ears, and I pulled my pillow against them harshly, trying to drown out any noise. “Hayley, you can’t hide in bed forever!”

“Watch me.” I shot back, closing my eyes tightly.

She would get the picture eventually, right?

No, for crying out loud… This was Amy. She would never let me sulk.

Damn friends, they never just left good enough alone.

“Hayley!” Amy sighed heavily, and I felt the end of the bed sink as she sat down. “What happened that night?” It had been three nights since Brendon and I slept together, among other things.

I finally looked up from my pillow, and Amy’s eyes widened. “I want to die.” I finally admitted, more tears falling on to my cheeks.

Amy shook her head and launched herself at me, hugging me tightly. “No, no Hayley. Don’t say that!”

“He’s a really good guy Amy.” I sobbed hard, hugging her back. “He’s a really good guy and I hurt him and I shouldn’t have but I- I don’t deserve him.”

“You do, you deserve a really great guy like him.” Amy assured me, rubbing my back. “Come on, why don’t you shower? We can go out and get coffee, yummy delicious coffee, and it’ll make you feel better.”

Coffee did sound good.

“I smell horrible.” I finally muttered, forcing myself to get out of bed.

As my stomach grumbled Amy shook her head, narrowing her eyes. “When is the last time you ate?”

“I don’t remember.” Then I left the room before she could further lecture me.

The shower felt wonderful, and it was almost like the scolding hot water was washing me down the drain. A girl could only hope though, and soon those hopes evaporated as I stepped out of the shower in one piece.

In the mirror I looked like a ghost, horribly pale with dark circles around my eyes. How had I let myself go so badly? Did leaving like that affect me this badly?

Well, yes.

You only left him the bitchiest note to have ever been written.

Oh, I certainly hoped I didn’t hurt him.

He would understand, right? He had to understand.

What the hell could we get out of being together, other than physical comfort?

Eventually someone would get hurt and it would get ugly, and I just couldn’t do that. I couldn’t let him hurt me and I couldn’t hurt him. I didn’t hurt him, did I?

I really, really hoped I didn’t.

Amy knocked on the door, breaking me out of my thoughts. “I’m coming out.” I called, relieved to be sidetracked.

I stepped out, seconds later, towel wrapped tightly around me. “I think I’m better now.” I lied, smiling at Amy.

Amy narrowed her eyes, “None of this hiding your emotions bullshit.” She snapped, rolling her eyes. “Now come on. We’re still going out.” Oh, but of course.

“I’m not hiding anything.” I lied, following her to my bedroom. “I just think I needed to shower. You know how emotional being unhygienic makes some people.”

“I think you’re full of shit and hurting because you hurt Brendon.” Amy informed me, with a sad but knowing smile.

I just shook my head, “There wasn’t really anything between me and Brendon.” I lied, again.

“Oh, there was something between the two of you. Everyone within twenty feet felt it.”

“Felt what?”

“The ridiculously pent up desire.”

I just rolled my eyes, knowing it would be hard to convince her I was alright… when I really wasn’t. I had to try though. I couldn’t just hurt, and I couldn’t constantly cry… I wasn’t that type of person. I didn’t like to advertise my pain, and I didn’t want Amy trying to make things right when I already did.

I had to leave Brendon before he found out I wasn’t worth liking and that’s what I did.

I made my bed, now I just had to lie in it… and deal with the loneliness of my actions.





**



(Brendon’s POV)



I closed my eyes, moaning in pleasure. The only thing that brought me back to attention was the sound of the foil ripping open, and my eyes snapped open. “Cherry flavored?” I asked, glancing at the condom.

The girl, name forgotten, nodded. “Yeah, it’s my favorite.”

Weird. “Doesn’t it taste like cough syrup to you?”

The girl just shrugged, “I guess but it’s not the worst taste ever.” How can cough syrup not be the worst taste ever? It was pretty high up there.

I paused, regretting ever bringing the girl up to my room. “What’s your name again?”

She frowned, “Allison.”

“Allison.” I repeated her name, again and again in my head.

Allison, not Hayley.

“What is your favorite type of food Allison?”

Allison seemed confused by the question, “Um, I don’t know.” She didn’t want to talk. I didn’t want to want to talk. I couldn’t have sex with her though. I couldn’t do it.

“Look, you’re great and I’m sorry but I can’t do this.” I breathed out, closing my eyes. “Have a good night though.”

Allison frowned again and stood up, grabbing her clothing off of the floor.

She said nothing, and soon enough I heard the door closing behind her.

She left the cherry flavored condom on the counter beside the bed, the wrapper next to it. “Is this all my life has come to?” I asked myself, picking the condom up, disgust etched on to my face.

I was one more cherry flavored condom away from losing my mind.

Why would you want to taste a condom?

I laughed sadly, remembering Hayley’s question, the way her tongue tentatively licked the condom, the look of disgust across her face… This isn’t cherry…

I licked a condom for her. If that isn’t love then what the hell is?

Now my mouth tastes like a cherry condom.

Oh god, no not again… I felt the tears prick at the back of my eyelids and I knew fighting them would do no good. Those lips; those perfect lips of hers, the way she felt against my body… Why’d she leave me?

Why wasn’t I enough for her?







**



(Hayley’s POV)



My ringing phone stole my attention from Amy’s rant but she quickly excused herself anyway, giving me the chance to answer my cell phone. “Hello.” I threw as much cheer in to the greeting as I could, and failed epically.

“What’s up? This is Spencer, Brendon’s friend.” Fucking lovely.

“Did you find Brendon?” Spencer called the other day, saying that Brendon left without a word to any of his band mates. I figured he was out having fun, with someone… Some other girl. I didn’t allow myself much time to think about it.

“Yeah, we did.” Spencer answered shortly.

“Great.” I rolled my eyes, nervously biting at my fingernails. “I hope all is well, and you guys have a safe flight home.”

“We’re staying here for a while actually.” Spencer informed me. “I just thought I’d let you know…”

“Why?” I was blunt. I didn’t have the time or the patience to beat around the bush.

“In case you feel the urge to apologize to Brendon for being a bitch.” The words caught me off guard, stinging me like a fucking bee.

“I’ll keep that in mind.” I murmured, glancing towards Amy. She was at the counter, talking to some boy from our school.

“Good, I really hope you do.” Spencer sighed, the sound captured by the speaker on his phone. “I don’t mean to be an asshole but Brendon really likes you.”

“And I really like him, but that’s not the point.”

“What is the point then?”

I don’t know…

“Um.” I bit my lip hard, aware of the fact that I could explain my feelings to no one. No one would understand. No one but Brendon… Brendon was the only one who ever listened to me and actually tried to understand me. “Fuck.” I was biting my lip too hard. That hurt!

“Fuck?” Spencer repeated, obviously amused. “That’s an odd answer but I’ll take it.”

I rolled my eyes, “I didn’t mean- I don’t know how to explain. This isn’t something I want to talk about.” Because I don’t know how to talk about it. “Did you just call to make me feel like shit?”

“Pretty much.” Spencer responded, the honesty a little refreshing. “It’s not often that someone breaks my friend’s heart. This is what friends do, right?”

It was. Wait, break- heart? What? “Bye.” I quickly hung up, feeling ugly bitter words filling me up. Heart? Broke? Brendon? I didn’t. I couldn’t. I just didn’t want to hurt him.

This was so fucking confusing.