Categories > Celebrities > My Chemical Romance > Frerard - Why I love you
Frank POV:
I didn’t know where I was going and didn’t care. I stalked straight past Mikey’s room. Fuck him and fuck his brother! ‘Well I’d already done that!’ I thought angrily. I saw once again his emotionless mask as he slapped me, as he pushed me away and he told me to leave. I hadn’t realised I was running until I reached the end of the road. I stopped, panting and suddenly I was crying, not crying but sobbing, my face streamed with tears and sounds escaping my throat like sounds a prey might make before the sweet release of death. When I felt this bad, when I felt like it was the end of the world, I would run to Gerard. He would give me advice, he would comfort me and he would wipe my tears away. Except now, I was running away from Gerard. And I had left a piece of my heart there with him.
“Frank!”
The whisper of a shout was carried by the wind. The pain in the voice made me want to run towards it, to help the poor soul who had made such a scream. I turned and saw Gerard leaning out of his window, his face pain stricken as he shouted after me.
“Please, Frankie. Please come back!” He could barely choke out the last words through his cries and I broke in two as I looked into his teary eyes. Then I saw Gerard again; except not him, the real him, his hand fast as it slapped me, his eyes cold as they stared into me, looking at me and seeing nothing, looking into me and feeling nothing. I was nothing to him.
Gerard POV:
I watched as he looked up at me, his face hard and cold. There was no longer any love there, not for me, not for everyone. The figure turned away from me. Then Frank turned back a little as if debating something. He swirled round, this time with a look of pure disgust on his face. The same look they had. The look they wore at school as they hurt me. I was nothing to him. Silent tears ran down my face as I watched him turn on his heel and leave. His shoulders were the last thing I saw and they seemed to shake as he marched, shake with a pure hatred and anger, anger at me.
I stumbled over to my bed and lay there. The pillow was still warm and I could smell a clean minty scent; Frankie. I tried to bury my face into the smell but the sounds escaped my lips before I could. I screamed out his name, wanting him to come back. I cursed myself, wishing I were dead. Why had I been so stupid?! I played it over and over again in my head. The look of hurt as I rejected him. The look of pain when I pushed him away. The look of horror as I slapped him. And finally the disgust as he left me. As he walked out of my life. I wish I was dead.
All of sudden, a thought struck me and my legs were pushing off the bed until I was a heap on my floor. My arms began to move, the way they only knew how, reaching under my bed until my hands grasped onto something cold and sharp. The urge was so strong. I could feel the blood pumping around my body. Feel the scars throb at the memory of the pain that was to come. I positioned my back towards the door and held the blade over a smooth place on my wrists. I thought of Frankie’s look of disgust as I lowered the cold object to meet my skin.
“Gerard?”
I jumped up, dropping the razor blade on my bed and looking around at the owner of the voice. It was only when I saw Ray and Bob standing in the doorframe that I realised how fast my heart was beating. It never beat that fast. Except for...
“Mikey wants to know if you wanna play...” Bob’s voice stopped as he caught a proper look at my tear stained face. I sniffed slightly, not enjoying the feeling of them stood there judging me. I was trying to think of something to say, anything to say when Ray spoke.
“Bob... Maybe you wanna go set up a controller for Gerard?” The voice was polite and he looked pointedly at Bob, who nodded and sprinted back to Mikey’s room. Ray walked in my room and shut the door behind him. When he turned his back, I remembered that the blade was still lying obviously on my bed. I pushed it down the side of my bed and then looked over my shoulder at Ray, who was stood awkwardly at my door. Then he made his way over to the bed and sat down on it. He looked at the space next to him and gestured for me to sit. Not sure what to do, I sat down and looked at him. His eyes were steady and his face was composed as he looked back at me calmly.
“So ...” He began, his finger tapping his knees as he thought of what to say next. I opened my mouth as if to speak but then closed it realising I was showing my ugly jagged teeth.
“How are you?” The question was asked nicely enough, the tone easy and welcoming.
“I’m okay!” It wasn’t until I’d spoken that I realised my voice was angry and that my teeth were gritted. Why was I angry? Well why shouldn’t I be angry!? He was in my fucking room after all! My response didn’t seem to faze Ray though and he ducked his head so that he could look more fully into my eyes.
“Sure?” I thought hard about what to say next. I thought about my cutting, I thought of the pain as the bullies kicked me, I thought of Mikey looking pityingly at me, I thought of my loneliness at school with no friends, I thought of how much worse it would be now without Frank. Frank. My Frankie. Frank. I didn’t care that Ray was there. I didn’t care about anything anymore. I just burst into babyish sobs.
I was grasped into a bearish hug but was too upset to notice. I just wept. I cried tears that had been held in for so long. I cried for the pain that I felt whenever I woke up in the morning to find I was still me, still Gerard, still alive. I cried for the kicking and the fists, which flew at me again and again. I cried for the brother who used to love me, love me not pity me. But most of all I cried for Frank. We seemed locked in that position for what seemed like hours. Eventually the tears ran out as quickly as turning off a tap. The silence that followed was a pleasant one, so different to the awkward silences, like at the dinner table that night. Not a silence like when I was alone and the urge to cut was so strong that the quiet ate away at me until I just had to grab the blade. This was nice, it was calming, especially with Ray’s arms holding my shoulders ferociously. It was as if they were trying to shield me from the troubles of the world and it was almost working.
“Ready to talk now?” I could feel his body shift slowly as he talked, his hair tickling my face slightly. I sighed into his shoulder and raised my head. It was then I noticed the damp spot on his shirt where my tears had fallen.
“Sorry,” I muttered, pointing my head towards it. He looked at me questioningly before spotting the damp and grinning widely.
“It’s okay, honestly!” My heart tugged at the words.
“No, it’s not okay.”
“You’re right,” he nodded, looking into my eyes again, “so what is it?”
I listed my issues in my head, scratching them out one by one until the biggest problem remained.
“Frank...” That one word threatened to break me down into tears again as I said it.
“Oh yeah!” Ray seemed to think out loud when he spoke, “I was wondering where he was.”
Though it really wasn’t a question, I told Ray anyway.
“He left.”
“Why?” The question brought the memories flooding back. His eyes examining my scars, the hurt in his eyes, his one red cheek as he stormed out of the house.
“I hit him!” The words shocked me as I spoke them. They were so definite and sharp that Ray’s face changed from his calm expression to a frown, his lips parted.
“Oh.”
We sat not talking, the quiet piercing. My eyes shut as I tried to force the words away. Maybe if I concentrated hard enough then I could make all of this go away. If I just thought about...
“Did he deserve it?” My eyes snapped open. Ray was looking out of my window so that I couldn’t see his face. It hurt to think back. The tears in his eyes. The hurt on his face. The one red cheek staring me straight in the face, the colour of blood blotting out every other colour.
“Of course, he fucking didn’t!” The sentence exploded out of me, ruining the moment. Ray turned away from the window but wouldn’t look me in the face.
“Err...” He looked about to get to his feet, the tension in the air almost unbearable when a sad whimpering voice spoke from somewhere inside me.
“I didn’t mean too...” The voice startled me. But something in it made Ray relax back onto my bed.
“I know you didn’t Gerard!” He smirked at me. The smile looked somewhat out of place in my room but I welcomed its glow, in that second, it seemed to light up the entire world.
“It doesn’t matter now anyway,” The sad voice spoke out.
“Why not?” Ray frowned slightly.
“Because ...” I paused, “Because he doesn’t love me anymore!” The look of disgust shot through my mind.
Ray looked about to speak when a loud bang came from the door. The handle pulled down and two figures were suddenly lying on the floor of my room, moaning loudly. Mikey and Bob lay for a second before Mikey’s head popped up, looking at me and grinning.
“You have got to be fucking kidding me right?” Bob spoke first, his eyes wide as he stumbled to his feet.
“I have known Frank for all of what ... Five years! The last few months of his life have been the happiest I have ever seen him, Gerard! If Frank doesn’t love you, then ... then ....” Bob stuttered.
“Unicorns must be real?!” Ray added helpfully, smiling sweetly at Mikey.
“Unicorns are real!” The angry response made my lips begin to tremble. I started to laugh at him, suddenly Bob giggled, and Ray snorted. Then all three of us were rolling around of the floor, breathless and giddy at the look of fierceness on Mikey’s face.
“Oh Mikey! We’re only kidding!” I grabbed his leg, making him yelp with surprise and fall over next to me on the ground. Even Mikey started laughing then. We lay panting when my brother turned to me smiling from ear to ear as he pulled me in for a hug.
“Welcome back, Gerard!”
I didn’t know where I was going and didn’t care. I stalked straight past Mikey’s room. Fuck him and fuck his brother! ‘Well I’d already done that!’ I thought angrily. I saw once again his emotionless mask as he slapped me, as he pushed me away and he told me to leave. I hadn’t realised I was running until I reached the end of the road. I stopped, panting and suddenly I was crying, not crying but sobbing, my face streamed with tears and sounds escaping my throat like sounds a prey might make before the sweet release of death. When I felt this bad, when I felt like it was the end of the world, I would run to Gerard. He would give me advice, he would comfort me and he would wipe my tears away. Except now, I was running away from Gerard. And I had left a piece of my heart there with him.
“Frank!”
The whisper of a shout was carried by the wind. The pain in the voice made me want to run towards it, to help the poor soul who had made such a scream. I turned and saw Gerard leaning out of his window, his face pain stricken as he shouted after me.
“Please, Frankie. Please come back!” He could barely choke out the last words through his cries and I broke in two as I looked into his teary eyes. Then I saw Gerard again; except not him, the real him, his hand fast as it slapped me, his eyes cold as they stared into me, looking at me and seeing nothing, looking into me and feeling nothing. I was nothing to him.
Gerard POV:
I watched as he looked up at me, his face hard and cold. There was no longer any love there, not for me, not for everyone. The figure turned away from me. Then Frank turned back a little as if debating something. He swirled round, this time with a look of pure disgust on his face. The same look they had. The look they wore at school as they hurt me. I was nothing to him. Silent tears ran down my face as I watched him turn on his heel and leave. His shoulders were the last thing I saw and they seemed to shake as he marched, shake with a pure hatred and anger, anger at me.
I stumbled over to my bed and lay there. The pillow was still warm and I could smell a clean minty scent; Frankie. I tried to bury my face into the smell but the sounds escaped my lips before I could. I screamed out his name, wanting him to come back. I cursed myself, wishing I were dead. Why had I been so stupid?! I played it over and over again in my head. The look of hurt as I rejected him. The look of pain when I pushed him away. The look of horror as I slapped him. And finally the disgust as he left me. As he walked out of my life. I wish I was dead.
All of sudden, a thought struck me and my legs were pushing off the bed until I was a heap on my floor. My arms began to move, the way they only knew how, reaching under my bed until my hands grasped onto something cold and sharp. The urge was so strong. I could feel the blood pumping around my body. Feel the scars throb at the memory of the pain that was to come. I positioned my back towards the door and held the blade over a smooth place on my wrists. I thought of Frankie’s look of disgust as I lowered the cold object to meet my skin.
“Gerard?”
I jumped up, dropping the razor blade on my bed and looking around at the owner of the voice. It was only when I saw Ray and Bob standing in the doorframe that I realised how fast my heart was beating. It never beat that fast. Except for...
“Mikey wants to know if you wanna play...” Bob’s voice stopped as he caught a proper look at my tear stained face. I sniffed slightly, not enjoying the feeling of them stood there judging me. I was trying to think of something to say, anything to say when Ray spoke.
“Bob... Maybe you wanna go set up a controller for Gerard?” The voice was polite and he looked pointedly at Bob, who nodded and sprinted back to Mikey’s room. Ray walked in my room and shut the door behind him. When he turned his back, I remembered that the blade was still lying obviously on my bed. I pushed it down the side of my bed and then looked over my shoulder at Ray, who was stood awkwardly at my door. Then he made his way over to the bed and sat down on it. He looked at the space next to him and gestured for me to sit. Not sure what to do, I sat down and looked at him. His eyes were steady and his face was composed as he looked back at me calmly.
“So ...” He began, his finger tapping his knees as he thought of what to say next. I opened my mouth as if to speak but then closed it realising I was showing my ugly jagged teeth.
“How are you?” The question was asked nicely enough, the tone easy and welcoming.
“I’m okay!” It wasn’t until I’d spoken that I realised my voice was angry and that my teeth were gritted. Why was I angry? Well why shouldn’t I be angry!? He was in my fucking room after all! My response didn’t seem to faze Ray though and he ducked his head so that he could look more fully into my eyes.
“Sure?” I thought hard about what to say next. I thought about my cutting, I thought of the pain as the bullies kicked me, I thought of Mikey looking pityingly at me, I thought of my loneliness at school with no friends, I thought of how much worse it would be now without Frank. Frank. My Frankie. Frank. I didn’t care that Ray was there. I didn’t care about anything anymore. I just burst into babyish sobs.
I was grasped into a bearish hug but was too upset to notice. I just wept. I cried tears that had been held in for so long. I cried for the pain that I felt whenever I woke up in the morning to find I was still me, still Gerard, still alive. I cried for the kicking and the fists, which flew at me again and again. I cried for the brother who used to love me, love me not pity me. But most of all I cried for Frank. We seemed locked in that position for what seemed like hours. Eventually the tears ran out as quickly as turning off a tap. The silence that followed was a pleasant one, so different to the awkward silences, like at the dinner table that night. Not a silence like when I was alone and the urge to cut was so strong that the quiet ate away at me until I just had to grab the blade. This was nice, it was calming, especially with Ray’s arms holding my shoulders ferociously. It was as if they were trying to shield me from the troubles of the world and it was almost working.
“Ready to talk now?” I could feel his body shift slowly as he talked, his hair tickling my face slightly. I sighed into his shoulder and raised my head. It was then I noticed the damp spot on his shirt where my tears had fallen.
“Sorry,” I muttered, pointing my head towards it. He looked at me questioningly before spotting the damp and grinning widely.
“It’s okay, honestly!” My heart tugged at the words.
“No, it’s not okay.”
“You’re right,” he nodded, looking into my eyes again, “so what is it?”
I listed my issues in my head, scratching them out one by one until the biggest problem remained.
“Frank...” That one word threatened to break me down into tears again as I said it.
“Oh yeah!” Ray seemed to think out loud when he spoke, “I was wondering where he was.”
Though it really wasn’t a question, I told Ray anyway.
“He left.”
“Why?” The question brought the memories flooding back. His eyes examining my scars, the hurt in his eyes, his one red cheek as he stormed out of the house.
“I hit him!” The words shocked me as I spoke them. They were so definite and sharp that Ray’s face changed from his calm expression to a frown, his lips parted.
“Oh.”
We sat not talking, the quiet piercing. My eyes shut as I tried to force the words away. Maybe if I concentrated hard enough then I could make all of this go away. If I just thought about...
“Did he deserve it?” My eyes snapped open. Ray was looking out of my window so that I couldn’t see his face. It hurt to think back. The tears in his eyes. The hurt on his face. The one red cheek staring me straight in the face, the colour of blood blotting out every other colour.
“Of course, he fucking didn’t!” The sentence exploded out of me, ruining the moment. Ray turned away from the window but wouldn’t look me in the face.
“Err...” He looked about to get to his feet, the tension in the air almost unbearable when a sad whimpering voice spoke from somewhere inside me.
“I didn’t mean too...” The voice startled me. But something in it made Ray relax back onto my bed.
“I know you didn’t Gerard!” He smirked at me. The smile looked somewhat out of place in my room but I welcomed its glow, in that second, it seemed to light up the entire world.
“It doesn’t matter now anyway,” The sad voice spoke out.
“Why not?” Ray frowned slightly.
“Because ...” I paused, “Because he doesn’t love me anymore!” The look of disgust shot through my mind.
Ray looked about to speak when a loud bang came from the door. The handle pulled down and two figures were suddenly lying on the floor of my room, moaning loudly. Mikey and Bob lay for a second before Mikey’s head popped up, looking at me and grinning.
“You have got to be fucking kidding me right?” Bob spoke first, his eyes wide as he stumbled to his feet.
“I have known Frank for all of what ... Five years! The last few months of his life have been the happiest I have ever seen him, Gerard! If Frank doesn’t love you, then ... then ....” Bob stuttered.
“Unicorns must be real?!” Ray added helpfully, smiling sweetly at Mikey.
“Unicorns are real!” The angry response made my lips begin to tremble. I started to laugh at him, suddenly Bob giggled, and Ray snorted. Then all three of us were rolling around of the floor, breathless and giddy at the look of fierceness on Mikey’s face.
“Oh Mikey! We’re only kidding!” I grabbed his leg, making him yelp with surprise and fall over next to me on the ground. Even Mikey started laughing then. We lay panting when my brother turned to me smiling from ear to ear as he pulled me in for a hug.
“Welcome back, Gerard!”
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