FicWad

I still remember. I remember it so vividly that I have to take medication, some kind of weird relaxant or whatever the fuck it is. I remember the smoke, the screams, everything. But most of all, I remember the pain, the pain of seeing you slip from this world, my baby boy was gone.

And all because of him.

Gerard.

He was SUPPOSED to be your brother. What kind of fucking idiot sets his school on fire when he fucking goddamn knows his brother’s in there?!

It took me several suicide attempts, ranging from attempted over-dose to self-harm, and several painful years to finally manage to contain the immense pain and destruction of losing you. Knowing I’ll never see you blush, or be able to hear you play your bass again. And it hurts so much that sometimes, I do want to die. I don’t want to live in a world where I have to live without you.

Your funeral was a bit over the top though, I’m pretty sure that if you were looking down on that day, you’d be laughing your head off. I know you always said you wanted Anthrax to be played at your funeral, but Donna refused to let me play it.

I still cry for you. For the plans we’d made for the future that we never got to experience, for the waste of life and for the fact you’ll never be there at our bedroom door, with your mug of coffee and my mug of tea. You always said you loved the fact I was British, well Welsh if you want to be precise. We always planned to go there, didn’t we baby?

But even through all the pain, the tears, the endless hospital visits and the number of scars on my body I can smile.

Because even through all of this. You’re still Mikey.

You’re still My Mikey Way.