Categories > Original > Humor

Flagpole Sittas

by KurtPikachu2001 0 reviews

While Stan gets a contact high on a double date with Francine, Hayley, and Jeff, Blink 182 plays a part in Roger's and Klaus's publicity stunt.

Category: Humor - Rating: PG-13 - Genres: Humor - Warnings: [V] - Published: 2012-08-09 - Updated: 2012-08-09 - 3075 words - Complete

American Dad!

Fanfic Title:

Flagpole Sittas

by: Trenton Sands

Opening Credits Scene

Roger's Disguise: Jenny Fromdabloc

Scene 1:

At the backyard of the Smith's house, Roger is dressed in an ATF uniform talking to Klaus via walkie talkies. Klaus is in a cardboard box as they are shooting squirt guns at each other.

Roger (shoots squirt gun): David Koresh! You've been in there for three days!

Klaus (shoots squirt gun): Suck the devil!

Roger: This is the ATF! We got you surrounded! You'll make this easier on yourself if you.....

Klaus: Never!

Roger: Come out with your hands up!

Klaus: Not until Jesus comes back!

Roger: Come out, or we'll ram this battering ram into your dick, you asshole of Waco!

Klaus: You're all products of Satan! I'm not coming out until Armegeddon! (thinks to himself): Haven't we already been though that before?

Roger: There is no Armageddon! Come out, or we'll use excessive force!

Klaus: Still not coming out!

Roger: Son of a bitch! Jesus Christ!

Klaus: Yes?

Then Klaus comes out of the cardboard box and squirts Roger.

Roger: Blaaaaahhhhhh! Dammit! beep!

Klaus (laughs): Gotcha! I totally got you!

Roger (throws down his squirt gun): That does it Klaus! That's the last time I play Branch Dividian Compound with you!

Klaus: Fine! You can't take a joke, anyway.

Roger: Great! We're bored again! Now what?

Just then they see Steve, Barry, Snot, and Toshi walk by.

Steve: Everybody have their fake IDs?

Barry: What are these for again?

Toshi (slaps Barry): BONZAI!!

Barry (Joe Besser-like): Oooooh! That hurts!

Klaus: Roger! I think we found something to do!

Snot: These fake IDs are our tickets to being cool!

Roger (walks up to Steve): Hey, Steve! I got a proposition for you!

Steve: Really, what? We were all on our way to a strip club. Are you going to help us get in?

Roger: I have something in store that's better than strip clubs! Follow me, Boys!

Steve, Barry, Snot, and Toshi all follow Roger and Klaus.

Scene 2:

Elsewhere in Langley Falls, Francine, Jeff, and Hayley are all at the place that looks like a shooting range. Stan is blindfolded as they were leading Stan into the building. They all have a surprise in store for him.

Stan (blindfolded): Can I see this place yet?

Francine: All in good time, honey.

They all enter the building and take off the blindfold. Much to Stan's horror, his old favorite shooting range is now a skating rink for hippies!

Stan: What the beep is this beep?!

Jeff: Your favorite shooting place is now a skating rink Mr. S!

Stan: I hate this childish place! You might as well have taken me to Chuck E Cheez!

Francine: Come on, Stan! You used to love the skating rink. It was where we went on our first date! Got a job here when I got out of prison!

Stan (to Hayley): Is this some kind of revenge for Sugar Mountain?

Hayley: No, Dad. Not at all.

Stan: I'm still not going in! Look at this place, it's like Studio 54!

Song The Monkees Valerie plays.

Francine: Oh, my gosh! I love this song!

Hayley, Jeff, and Francine all drag Stan to get their size skates. All around them are a bunch of hippies skating, smoking weed, and a disco ball is shining.

Jeff: Good thingwe came here, because it's Hemp day!

Stan: It's a good day for a BM is what!

Scene 3:

Somewhere in the woods, Roger, Klaus, Steve, Barry, Snot, and Toshi are all at the scene of a cabin. Roger is dressed as Bill Murray's character from Meatballs.

Steve: Did you bring us here for summer camp?

Snot: Are you that guy who sold us those panties that one time? Wondering whatever happened to him.

Roger: No, I am Murray Billison. I'm a counseler here.

Klaus: Ja! It's a failing cheerleading camp.

Barry: Where will these cheerleaders lead?

Toshi (in Japanese): My Spidey sense is telling me something is suspicious about this! Don't trust this one bit! Just know my socially retarded friends will fall for this!

Out of the cabin comes Lisa Silver and her band of cheerleaders.

Roger: Why don't you tell them, Lisa?

Lisa: You guys are the only ones who must save this place from foreclosure!

Snot: What would you like us to do?

Lisa: We need you all to raise money to save our camp.

Roger: That's right. Like in that Three Stooges movie when they had to save their orphanage.

Klaus: We are thinking a publicity stunt will raise money, are you in?

Lisa: If you help us, I will date you Steve!

Snot: Will we get to date your cheerleader friends?

Lisa: Absolutely! That's your reward!

Steve: Sure! Anything for a lady!

Roger: Good! Here's a name of a hypnotist. Meet him at this address! (hands Steve a card)

Steve: Awesome! We are so there! Consider it done!

Snot: We're going to this address now!

Steve: Who needs fake IDs! We're going to get laid!

Barry, Toshi, Snot, and Steve (together): YAY!!!!!

Steve, Snot, Barry, and Toshi all go to where they card leads them. Lisa goes back into the cabin along with her friends. Roger and Klaus leave the scene.

Klaus: Publicity stunt, eh? This is going to be excellent!

Roger: I'm going to do a Manchurian Candidate thing on them!

Klaus: Is that why you gave them that card for the hypnotist?

Roger: You bet! I'm going to make them walk on a flagpole!

Klaus: This hypnotist is going to turn out to be you, right?

Roger: Maybe Baby! Maybe Baby!

Klaus: Oh, don't start _that_ again!

Roger: Forgot to tell you, Blink 182 is going to perform at our stunt!

Klaus: Blink 182? Nobody knows who they are anymore. Why don't you hire a band kids Steve's age are familiar with? Why not Foster The People or The Black Keys?

Roger: They suck! Their videos are beep and their songs are monotonous! Besides, Blink 182 was at the MTV Sports and Music Festival back in '97. I was one of the skateboarders there! They're known to perform at events like this! They made a comeback and they have a kick ass new album!

Klaus and Roger go back home to put their plan into action. They put up flyers all over Langley Falls then they posted an add on Facebook. People from all over stand in line and paying to see the stunt. Roger was collecting the money.

Scene 4:

Back at the skating rink, Stan is still hesitant about skating. The song Green Tamborine by The Lemon Pipers plays.

Francine: Come on, Stan! (skates by Stan)

Hayley: Join the fun, Dad! (skates by Stan)

Jeff: You don't know what you're missing, Mr. S! (skates by Stan)

As Stan was on the skating rink, he stood still.

Stan: Never! I am never joining these hippies! They're all a bunch of grown up babies! Always wanting things handed to them! If I ever find out who turned my favorite shooting range into a skating rink, I......

Then a bunch of hippies pass by Stan. And some marijana smoke is blown into his nose. The Song Incense and Pepperments by Strawberry Alarm Clock plays. Then Stan suddenly loosens up and want to have fun!

Stan (skating and dancing): Good sense and innocence crippling mankind!

As the song plays and Stan sings along to it, Francine, Hayley, and Jeff were very surprised to see Stan have fun.

Francine: Look! Stan's dancing!

Hayley: He's having fun!

Jeff: Way to go, Mr. S! Whoooooo!

Stan (singing, skating, and dancing): Who cares what games we choose! Little to win, but nothing to lose! Incense and Pepperments......

A bunch of skaters all joined in on Stan's dancing and everyone all skating in a chorus line with Stan in the lead.

Scene 5:

At the doctor's office, Steve, Snot, Barry, and Toshi were waiting for the hypnotist. Outside everyone was seeing Blink 182 play a concert. The doctor's office was 80 stories high and had a flagpole next to the window.

Song: After Midnight by Blink 182 plays.

Steve: What's the band that's playing?

Snot: Sounds like Simple Plan.

Barry: Think the tattoo man had his own reality show. His wife was on Dancing With The Stars. Don't know who the band is.....

Steve (groans): Uh! What's taking so long? Are we going to do this stunt or what?

Snot: Maybe it's worth the wait if we're going to date cheerleaders.

Steve: Hold on, I'll be right back.

As Steve was walking around, he finds a door. Goes in and sees someone dressed in a backwards baseball cap, green Quiksilver shirt, baggy blue jeans, and hi-tops.

Steve: Excuse me, sir? Have you seen a hypnotist?

The person turns out to be Roger.

Klaus: HA! I knew it! So predictable!

Roger: I am the hypnotist! My name is Dr. Wayne King!

Steve: Roger! You're not dressed like a doctor. How come you don't look like Steve Gutenberg from those Short Circuit movies like you usually do?

Roger: I'm a fun doctor, Steve. I'm like House without the Vicodin. Just don't dress like one.

Steve: So, you're going to hypnotize us?

Roger: Exact-a-mundo!

Then Roger shows Steve the palms of his hands that have eyeballs painted on the palms of his hands.

Steve: We want to do this to save a.......

Roger: Relax, Pointdexter!

Steve (hypnotic trance): Yes master.

Just then Snot runs in.

Snot: Okay, we've waited enough, What's going.....

Then Roger shows Snot the palms of his hands that have eyeballs painted on them.

Roger: Relax, Kosher Boy!

Snot (hypnotic trance): I await your orders....

After that, Barry comes in.

Barry: Please! I need to go potty! I want to get back into life with Depends!

Then Roger shows Barry the palms of his hands that have eyeballs painted on them.

Roger: Now your turn, Fat Ass Full of Gas!

Barry: I resent....(goes into hypnotic trance)

Then Toshi runs in and sees Roger who shows Toshi the eyeballs painted on the palms of his hands.

Roger: Gotcha Chopsticks!

Toshi goes into a hypnotic trance and starts speaking in tongue.

Roger: Yes! I did it! Now time for the stunt.

Klaus: How are you going to wake them up?

Barry pees on the floor.

Roger: Like this saurkraut! (shows Klaus the eyeballs painted on the palms of his hands)

Klaus: NEIN!

Roger laughs evilly as he readies his plan.

Scene 6:

The window next to the flagpole was open. Blink 182 continued to play in the concert. Steve and his friends were all in a trance.

Roger: Okay dumbasses! Walk!

Steve, Barry, Toshi, and Snot all walk around.

Roger: Stop! Now act like monkeys!

Steve, Barry, Toshi, and Snot all act like monkeys.

Roger: Stop! Now bark like dogs!

Steve, Barry, Toshi, and Snot all bark and act like dogs.

Roger: Stop! Now oink like pigs!

Steve, Barry, Toshi, and Snot all oink like pigs.

Roger: Stop! Now make out!

Steve Barry, Toshi, and Snot all kiss and hug each other.

Roger: Stop! Now act like a bunch of black guys hopped up on bath salts!

Steve, Barry, Toshi, and Snot all fight, beat up, and bite each other.

Roger: Stop! Now! Walk out that window!

Steve, Barry, Toshi, and Snot all walk out the window. They were all on the flagpole.

Roger: You are now all going to walk on the flagpole!

The Band Blink 182 finished their song and announced the stunt.

Mark Hoppus: Ladies and Gentlemen! These are four brave young men!

Travis Barker: They are saving a cheerleading camp! It's a fine day for all of us! Give them all a round of applause!

Mark Hoppus: Thank you for all your contributions!

The spectators who were all residents of Langley Falls cheer as they see Steve, Snot, Barry, and Toshi walk on the flagpole.

Roger: To requote the old phrase, "Oh no you didn't!" "Oh, yes I did it!" (laughs) Now dance! Dance, minions! Dance!

Steve, Snot, Barry, and Toshi all dance on the flagpole as Blink 182 performs Ghost On The Dancefloor. Everyone cheers.

Roger: Stop! Do cartwheels and handsprings!

Just as Steve, Snot, Barry, and Toshi were about to do gymnastics, Klaus unwittingly moves out of his bowl and lands on a blowhorn. Steve and his friends were out of the trance.

Steve: Wow! Did I just sleep?

Snot: Seems like we did? Where are we? Who is that audience?

Barry (looks down): We're all gonna die!

Toshi (in Japanese): Kamachazee! Hiri Kiri!

Steve and his friends all scream and panic.

Snot: That Dr. Wayne King is an ass!

Steve tries to hold onto Snot's shirt to prevent himself from falling. Barry tried to do the same to Toshi's pants. But Barry falls and Toshi's pants fall which leaves Barry dangling in front of the spectators who were all cheering. Toshi's underpants had Godzilla on them.

Toshi (in Japanese): Now everyone will know I wear Godzilla underroos!

Roger and Klaus were watching as they enjoy what they started.

Klaus: I have to hand it to you, Roger. Your plan worked.

Roger: Wait until I tell them it was all a hoax. That cheerleader camp is really a crack house!

Klaus: That'll be a huge shock to them!

Steve: I beep hate you Dr. Wayne King!

Snot: Get us out of here you son of a bitch!

Barry: I can't hold onto Toshi's skinny jeans much longer!

Toshi (in Japanese): Barry you dumbass you're dragging me down with you!

Barry peed as the flagpole fell off the building sideways and crashed through the window of Dr. Wayne King's office. Steve, Snot, Barry, and Toshi were all okay. Roger, Lisa Silver, and Klaus came to greet them as they spectators cheered on.

Mark Hoppus: Thanks to these brave souls, a cheerleader camp is saved from foreclosure!

Spectators: YAY!

Travis Barker: It's amazing how we help one another in these tough economic times!

Mark Hoppus: That's all for today!

Travis Barker: You've all been a wonderful audience!

Scene 8:

Back at the skaing rink, Stan, Francine, Jeff, and Hayley were all done with their double date. They were headed back to the SUV.

Stan: Wow! That _was_ fun! We're definately coming back here again.

Francine: You're so much fun when you loosen up!

Hayley: Look Dad! They're coming to see you.

A bunch of hippies from the skaing rink come to see Stan and cheer him on. They pick him up and throw him up in the air.

Hippies: Yo, Man! Stan is Smooth Man!

Stan (laughs nervously); Okay, let me go back to my car now.

Jeff: From now on, I'm calling you Mr. Smooth!

Stan (being put down and going back to his SUV): Mr. Smooth! I like that!

Back at the building, Steve, Snot, Barry, and Toshi see Roger, Klaus, and Lisa Silver.

Roger: Congratulations, boys! The cheerleader camp is saved!

Steve: All right! We did it! (walks up to Lisa): So, will you go out with me?

Lisa: Oh, Steve. I have something to tell you.....

Klaus: Uh, better he hears it from Roger.

Roger: It wasn't actually a cheerleader camp.

Snot (shocked): You mean all this money we raised for his stunt was all for nothing!

Toshi (in Japanese): You're such a Jew!

Barry: I feel an 'All is Lost' moment coming on!

Roger: It was really a crackhouse that you helped save! Now I have enough money to sell and make drugs!

Steve: Oh, no! Lisa! Aren't you at all offended by this?

Lisa: No. I was in on it, too! Always wanted to exploit a geek!

Toshi (in Japanese): I should've known that there was something fishy about this. Everytime we're looking to be cool, someone always cons us!

Roger: Welp. Don't have all day......Should be going back there and......

Steve (angerly): You have just postponed the inevitable! You screwed me out of being cool and getting laid with chicks for the last time! (screams in anger and dives at Roger)

Roger and Steve got into a fight until Lisa Silver got a metal ball from the flagpole and threw it. the ball ricochets and hits Klaus's bowl. Then ricochets again and hits Barry, Toshi, Steve, and Snot over the heads.

Lisa: So long, suckers!

Scene 9 Conclusion:

At the dinner table at the Smith House, Stan was trying to figure out what made him loosen up.

Stan: You're right, Francine. It was good to party with those hippies! Got me out of my comfort zone for a while.

Francine: Was it more fun than a shooting range?

Stan: You bet! Let's do it again sometime.

Jeff: Hey, Mr. S. I know what made you fun.

Stan: What is it?

Hayley: You got a contact high from some marijuana smoke.

Stan (shocked): What? I loosened up because I was high? I'm a CIA agent, I distribute drugs to the inner city and......never in my life......

Francine: Well, you were addicted to crack once......

Stan: Shut up all of you! You guys are just trying to....

Jeff: No, it's true Mr. S. Hayley and I took a picture of you.

As Jeff showed Stan a picture of him on his smartphone of Stan skating and breathing marijuana smoke. Stan began to hyperventiliate and vomited a cesspool onto the floor. The picture ended up on the internet.

Stan (vomiting): BBBBLLLLLAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! AHHHHH! AHHHHHH! I'm a laughingstock! This is like Owl Creek all over again!

Song: Blink 182: Hearts All Gone plays.

Running out of the house and down into the street Stan's scream was prolonged until he bumps into Roger.

Roger: Ouch! Hey! (sees Stan): Oh, hey Stan. What are you screaming about?

Stan: I accidently breathed marijuana smoke and acted like a hippie. It's all over the internet thanks to my meathead son in law!

Roger: Sounds like that movie The Producers. Anyway, you won't believe the day I had. (laughs) You? A contact high?

Stan: Yes. Contact high. Correct. What do you say we walk and talk about what an embarrassing day we both had?

Roger and Stan walk into the sunset as they talk about their days.

Stan: You first.

Roger: Before I begin, think you should know Klaus, Steve, and his friends are all in the hospital.

Stan: Really? What for?

Roger: I'll get around to that later. It all started when Klaus and I were playing Branch Dividian Compound, and then we saw Steve and his friends........

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