Categories > Celebrities > Panic! At The Disco > Skinny Love
Crying Lightning
If anything, to Ryan, death feels like the person is on a long, extended vacation.
?Blocked
Death is odd. Death is never seeing someone ever again, until hopeful afterlife (which let’s be honest, Ryan finds it complete bullshit).
Ryan never really thought about death the way it truly is until now. If anything, to Ryan, death feels like the person is on a long, extended vacation. When his mom left— died, he was upset she left but it didn’t necessarily hurt as much as it eventually will. He hasn’t realized that he will never speak to her again, and the last words he said to his mom were “Why can’t you save me too, Mommy?”. Ryan will never receive a letter or five second phone call from his mom, or an accidental meet up at some place unimportant. Not even a mean letter, or a one worded letter cussing out his father. Not any reassurance that he is still loved by someone. It’s all gone. She’s gone.
His father, he has realized is going to be quite similar. He can’t help but think about the times when things were okay and they had a good time in each other’s presence. Ryan can remember the fishing trips, late-night ice cream, and playing in the park that now lays abandoned. It’s hard to think that person is the same one as the one laying in the hospital he is now going to visit.
The final goodbye to his father where he may never see him again.
The drive there is not easy. It’s right after school and Ryan grips onto the steering wheel so tightly that his veins are sticking out; the idea that maybe things will be better without him gone is still nerve-racking.
He breathes out a noticeable sigh, Brendon looking over to him curiously. “Ryan, just breathe.”
Ryan doesn’t reply, instead just parking his car as close to the hospital as possible because he wants to get out fast. He knows he should say goodbye but it won’t be easy.
Once he turns the car off he freezes, resting his head on the wheel. Just breathe.
He feels a hand rub his back, a sudden weight on him as he feels the warmness of Brendon around him, his hands making circles along his spine.
Brendon breathes against Ryan’s neck, and presses his lips softly against it. “You are strong enough for this.” Ryan nods to himself after a few moments, climbing out of the car and grabbing Brendon’s hand instantly, practically pulling him to the doors.
Ryan clears his throat, making the woman at the desk look at him curiously. “Um, we are here to see George Ross.” Ryan mumbles. “T-the second.”
“Identifications, please?”
Ryan raises his eyebrows, getting out his wallet as Brendon shows her his. “Okay, You guys will need these.” The woman gets the visitors passes and Ryan practically snatches them and grabs Brendon’s wrist to drag him around the corner.
“Brendon.” He whispers.
“Ryan,”
Brendon is only a few inches away from Ryan, so close that Ryan feels his breath on him once again; making his muscles relax just by the way Brendon says his name. It’s comforting.
He tries to get Ryan to meet his eyes but Ryan looks so disconnected.
“I-um.” Ryan starts, “I’m going to do this alone.”
Ryan finally looks up to Brendon’s eyes, getting somewhat lost into them because they’re just so sincere.
“Okay. I’ll be sitting in that chair over there,” Brendon motions to the bench, then leaning in closer to Ryan, leaving a lingering kiss on the lips. It’s very light, Brendon not wanting it to be that much but a sweet kiss.
“Alright.” Ryan makes his way up the elevator and finds the room quickly, him actually stopping in front of it to try to calm himself down.
The smell of the hospital makes him dizzy, but he focuses on taking slow steps into the room where a tall man lies in his bed. The room is small and private, Ryan whispers a “this is nice,” under his breath sarcastically.
Heart monitors are the worst, too. Ryan practically swears he hears it slowing down more and more as it goes.
“H-hey.” Ryan tries to sound more confident, but he wants to have a mental breakdown.
“You came to see me,” The older man says in a raspy voice, struggling to get the words out.
“Uh, yeah.”
“I needed to say a few things to you anyway.”
“Only if it isn’t a struggle.” Ryan replies in monotone.
“It is,” He pauses, wincing and then relaxing into the bed, “I want to tell you that… that you were the only one ever there. And I treated you like absolute shit.”
Ryan doesn’t reply.
“I… looking back on it I guess I don’t expect to have any warm spot for me anymore. I deserve it. I get it— I get it.”
Ryan is pretty sure he is going to be in a hospital bed after this.
“And I know that you’re a lot stronger than I ever gave you credit for. I know you’ll do okay in this world, Ryan.” The beeping is getting slower, Ryan gulps.
Tears feel Ryan’s eyes because these are the nicest words he has ever gotten from his dad. He tries to wipe them away but more just keep coming. It was also the first time in years that his dad has called him “Ryan”. A nurse has entered the room, staring at Ryan and then his father.
“He’s—“ the nurse starts, Ryan cuts her off.
“Okay, Dad.”
“Lola is going to be there for you. She’s gonna be your guardian until you’re eighteen.”
“O-okay.”
“And Ryan?”
“Yes?” Heart monitor is still slowing down. The nurse’s eyes are big.
“Be careful out there.” He reaches for Ryan’s hand and Ryan reluctantly grabs it.
“I will be, Dad.”
And the room once full of beeping and chatter is now silent.
--
“You lied.” Ryan practically yells, rushing past Brendon who jumps from his seat.
“What?”
Brendon catches him, hand landing on his shoulder to stop him. He didn’t even grab him or was rough, but Ryan gave up. “I wasn’t strong enough for that.”
Brendon looks at Ryan, eyes red and puffy from tears and lip quivering.
“Y-you lied,” Ryan cries out, practically falling onto Brendon with all of his body weight.
“I’m sorry, baby.” Brendon coos, speaking quietly into Ryan’s ear. “Let me drive home. We can watch movies and… shower. We both smell.” Ryan only nods into him.
The ride home doesn’t involve any conversation, just Ryan sobbing into his knees as his arms wrap around them. Brendon hums a random calming tune, making Ryan calm his breathing so he can listen. Rain drops begin to suddenly fall; the small dots fill the windshield quickly making Brendon turn on the windshield wiper. Once he gets to the house he just sits there, reaching his hand out to Ryan and Ryan grabs it instantly.
“I’m sorry.” Brendon muttered, waiting for Ryan to be ready to get out of the car.
“I’m cold,” Ryan announces, sitting up and wiping his tears quickly away from his face. Brendon gets out of the car and opens the door for Ryan, him crawling out slowly and standing there, holding Brendon’s hand. “Hey,” he states.
“Hi,”
“Um,” Ryan swallows, “you know what I always kind of wanted?”
Brendon shivers a bit, feeling the cool air travel through him. “Hm?”
“This will sound really fucking stupid but— a kiss in the rain.”
“I’ll help you with that one, I suppose.” Brendon presses his damping body to Ryan’s and places his hand, kissing him lovingly that Ryan just wants to cry more because he has him with him now. Brendon’s hands move along to Ryan’s cheek bones, stroking his cheek with his thumb as he brushes his tongue along his bottom lip, letting their tongues move through each other’s mouths easily, leaving no fuss. Ryan can’t help but let a moan escape his mouth, it echoing between them making Brendon move one of his hands down to Ryan’s pants, grabbing at his crotch making him yelp.
“You—“ Ryan stops, Brendon just raises his eyebrows. “Inside.” They practically run inside and Ryan pretty much shoves Brendon into the door, kissing him hungrily. “You,” Ryan moves to his neck, kissing and nipping at is making Brendon’s eyes flutter shut and moan quietly. “Are the biggest fucking tease.” He grabs the end of Brendon’s shirt, pulling at it and wrapping his hands around his slim waist, “And that’s my job.”
Brendon rolls his eyes and kisses him on the lips briefly, pulling at his bottom lip with his teeth, then heads straight for Ryan’s belt, grabbing at it until it is off and lying on the floor. Ryan is just running his hands up and down Brendon’s spine until Brendon gives in and raises his arms so his white v-neck can join Ryan’s belt.
“Not today.” Brendon advised, pulling off Ryan’s shirt easily and kissing his collar bone, making his way up to his lips as Ryan holds him. He really just wants to fuck him now.
“Fuck,” Ryan breathes out quietly, his head falling back slightly and jaw locking.
Ryan has his arms wrapped around him, fingers pressing into his back because holy shit this feels way better than whatever he would get from a girl. He stops making the comparison right after he had the thought, immediately being distracted when Brendon pulls his pants down to his ankles, and same with his.
“Shower?” Brendon moaned into Ryan’s ear. Ryan is biting his lip so hard that he can only nod. He can feel himself hard under the thin fabric, along with Brendon who is pretty much the same as him.
They make their way up the stairs and into Ryan’s bathroom, Brendon turning on the water and making it a comfortable temperature and looking over to Ryan whose eyes are wide.
“Checking me out?” Brendon began pulling his boxers down and stepping into the shower. “You going to join me so—?“
Ryan clears his throat and pulls down his boxers too, getting into the shower and pressing Brendon against the tile, kissing him roughly as his hand runs from his chest to his cock.
Brendon has a sharp intake of breath, the noise making Ryan smile against him. Ryan curls his fingers along his member, starting to run up and down slowly and starts to speed up. Brendon’s eyes flutter shut and his mouth hangs farther open, forgetting about everything that doesn’t have to do with Ryan— including the cuts Ryan is well aware that are there, and simply not making a deal about it. Brendon jerks his hips into Ryan’s touch accidentally. He doesn't want to look too eager.
“One day,” Ryan whispers lowly, hand falling back onto Brendon’s hip, “you’re going to let me fuck you, alright?” His voice firm and confident.
“Mm,” Brendon whispers, leaning back against Ryan, falling to his knees. “Let’s settle with this for today.” Brendon licks the head of Ryan’s cock; Ryan grabs Brendon’s wet hair and tangling his fingers in it tightly, being slightly taken aback by the course of events. There is more teasing going on, Ryan trying not to buck his hips to the feeling of Brendon’s tongue and lips all over him, kissing his hip bone sloppily and down the crest of his waist.
“B- ugh—“ Ryan bites his lip and closes his eyes tightly as Brendon takes him in, hollowing his lips and sucking.
Ryan never expected Brendon to be good at this but he was obviously wrong; his whole body almost beginning to shake to the feeling.
Brendon’s eyes are half open as he takes him in deeper. “F- Brendon I’m gonna—“
Brendon keeps going until Ryan comes, him swallowing it easily and pulling back, leaving a kisses on Ryan’s hipbone. “Jesusfuckingchrist,” Ryan rushes, hands still running through Brendon’s hair and breathing unevenly.
Brendon stands to meet Ryan’s eyes, arms falling lazily on his shoulders. The hot water is making him feel somewhat dizzy, but he isn’t paying much attention. “Is that okay?”
“Is that okay?” Ryan repeats sarcastically, raising an eyebrow. Brendon just laughs to himself and kisses Ryan again, taking small breaths between each kiss because the steam is beginning to build up.
“I think we should get clean in this shower, while we’re here.” Brendon suggests. Ryan smiles sheepishly as Brendon cleans him, hands running down his chest and around his body, paying attention to the little details that Ryan would find flawed, but these parts are Brendon’s favorite. Brendon moves lower and pinches Ryan’s ass, making him slightly jump to the touch and pout.
“That’s not nice,” Ryan frowns.
“You like it.” Brendon mutters quietly.
Ryan takes time to look at Brendon's body, trying to make it less obvious than before. “You’re really beautiful.” Ryan admits, brushing his fingers along Brendon’s chest.
Brendon kisses him sweetly in thanks, muttering a “you too” between his lips.
--
Reality sets in as Ryan sits in his clean living room with Brendon.
“My dad’s dead.” Ryan murmurs.
Brendon doesn’t say anything and continues to hold his hand, both of theirs getting slightly clammy by now.
“My d-dad’s dead,” He says again, voice louder.
“Ryan…”
“I— I have no parents. Not even a bad one.”
“You have Lola; she’s going to be coming in, like, everyday. Then you have me.”
“But—“
“Then you have me who loves you more than anyone. And that loves you more than anyone has ever loved you.” Brendon freezes, eyes wide open.
Ryan just looks at him curiously.
“Y-you love me?”
Brendon takes a deep breath, “Yeah, um- I- I do.”
“I love you too.”
The words come from Ryan so easily and genuinely, making Brendon blush and sink into Ryan’s arms which have wrapped around him during his little speech.
“Just… Brendon?”
“Hm?”
“Don’t leave me like everyone else has.”
Brendon didn’t think he could even think about moving from the comfort of the couch, let alone Ryan.
“I’m not planning on it.”
--
A/N I am so sorry for the terribly long wait. Is anyone even reading this story anymore? God.
I thought you guys deserved some smut... so there you go.
R&R please :)
Ryan never really thought about death the way it truly is until now. If anything, to Ryan, death feels like the person is on a long, extended vacation. When his mom left— died, he was upset she left but it didn’t necessarily hurt as much as it eventually will. He hasn’t realized that he will never speak to her again, and the last words he said to his mom were “Why can’t you save me too, Mommy?”. Ryan will never receive a letter or five second phone call from his mom, or an accidental meet up at some place unimportant. Not even a mean letter, or a one worded letter cussing out his father. Not any reassurance that he is still loved by someone. It’s all gone. She’s gone.
His father, he has realized is going to be quite similar. He can’t help but think about the times when things were okay and they had a good time in each other’s presence. Ryan can remember the fishing trips, late-night ice cream, and playing in the park that now lays abandoned. It’s hard to think that person is the same one as the one laying in the hospital he is now going to visit.
The final goodbye to his father where he may never see him again.
The drive there is not easy. It’s right after school and Ryan grips onto the steering wheel so tightly that his veins are sticking out; the idea that maybe things will be better without him gone is still nerve-racking.
He breathes out a noticeable sigh, Brendon looking over to him curiously. “Ryan, just breathe.”
Ryan doesn’t reply, instead just parking his car as close to the hospital as possible because he wants to get out fast. He knows he should say goodbye but it won’t be easy.
Once he turns the car off he freezes, resting his head on the wheel. Just breathe.
He feels a hand rub his back, a sudden weight on him as he feels the warmness of Brendon around him, his hands making circles along his spine.
Brendon breathes against Ryan’s neck, and presses his lips softly against it. “You are strong enough for this.” Ryan nods to himself after a few moments, climbing out of the car and grabbing Brendon’s hand instantly, practically pulling him to the doors.
Ryan clears his throat, making the woman at the desk look at him curiously. “Um, we are here to see George Ross.” Ryan mumbles. “T-the second.”
“Identifications, please?”
Ryan raises his eyebrows, getting out his wallet as Brendon shows her his. “Okay, You guys will need these.” The woman gets the visitors passes and Ryan practically snatches them and grabs Brendon’s wrist to drag him around the corner.
“Brendon.” He whispers.
“Ryan,”
Brendon is only a few inches away from Ryan, so close that Ryan feels his breath on him once again; making his muscles relax just by the way Brendon says his name. It’s comforting.
He tries to get Ryan to meet his eyes but Ryan looks so disconnected.
“I-um.” Ryan starts, “I’m going to do this alone.”
Ryan finally looks up to Brendon’s eyes, getting somewhat lost into them because they’re just so sincere.
“Okay. I’ll be sitting in that chair over there,” Brendon motions to the bench, then leaning in closer to Ryan, leaving a lingering kiss on the lips. It’s very light, Brendon not wanting it to be that much but a sweet kiss.
“Alright.” Ryan makes his way up the elevator and finds the room quickly, him actually stopping in front of it to try to calm himself down.
The smell of the hospital makes him dizzy, but he focuses on taking slow steps into the room where a tall man lies in his bed. The room is small and private, Ryan whispers a “this is nice,” under his breath sarcastically.
Heart monitors are the worst, too. Ryan practically swears he hears it slowing down more and more as it goes.
“H-hey.” Ryan tries to sound more confident, but he wants to have a mental breakdown.
“You came to see me,” The older man says in a raspy voice, struggling to get the words out.
“Uh, yeah.”
“I needed to say a few things to you anyway.”
“Only if it isn’t a struggle.” Ryan replies in monotone.
“It is,” He pauses, wincing and then relaxing into the bed, “I want to tell you that… that you were the only one ever there. And I treated you like absolute shit.”
Ryan doesn’t reply.
“I… looking back on it I guess I don’t expect to have any warm spot for me anymore. I deserve it. I get it— I get it.”
Ryan is pretty sure he is going to be in a hospital bed after this.
“And I know that you’re a lot stronger than I ever gave you credit for. I know you’ll do okay in this world, Ryan.” The beeping is getting slower, Ryan gulps.
Tears feel Ryan’s eyes because these are the nicest words he has ever gotten from his dad. He tries to wipe them away but more just keep coming. It was also the first time in years that his dad has called him “Ryan”. A nurse has entered the room, staring at Ryan and then his father.
“He’s—“ the nurse starts, Ryan cuts her off.
“Okay, Dad.”
“Lola is going to be there for you. She’s gonna be your guardian until you’re eighteen.”
“O-okay.”
“And Ryan?”
“Yes?” Heart monitor is still slowing down. The nurse’s eyes are big.
“Be careful out there.” He reaches for Ryan’s hand and Ryan reluctantly grabs it.
“I will be, Dad.”
And the room once full of beeping and chatter is now silent.
--
“You lied.” Ryan practically yells, rushing past Brendon who jumps from his seat.
“What?”
Brendon catches him, hand landing on his shoulder to stop him. He didn’t even grab him or was rough, but Ryan gave up. “I wasn’t strong enough for that.”
Brendon looks at Ryan, eyes red and puffy from tears and lip quivering.
“Y-you lied,” Ryan cries out, practically falling onto Brendon with all of his body weight.
“I’m sorry, baby.” Brendon coos, speaking quietly into Ryan’s ear. “Let me drive home. We can watch movies and… shower. We both smell.” Ryan only nods into him.
The ride home doesn’t involve any conversation, just Ryan sobbing into his knees as his arms wrap around them. Brendon hums a random calming tune, making Ryan calm his breathing so he can listen. Rain drops begin to suddenly fall; the small dots fill the windshield quickly making Brendon turn on the windshield wiper. Once he gets to the house he just sits there, reaching his hand out to Ryan and Ryan grabs it instantly.
“I’m sorry.” Brendon muttered, waiting for Ryan to be ready to get out of the car.
“I’m cold,” Ryan announces, sitting up and wiping his tears quickly away from his face. Brendon gets out of the car and opens the door for Ryan, him crawling out slowly and standing there, holding Brendon’s hand. “Hey,” he states.
“Hi,”
“Um,” Ryan swallows, “you know what I always kind of wanted?”
Brendon shivers a bit, feeling the cool air travel through him. “Hm?”
“This will sound really fucking stupid but— a kiss in the rain.”
“I’ll help you with that one, I suppose.” Brendon presses his damping body to Ryan’s and places his hand, kissing him lovingly that Ryan just wants to cry more because he has him with him now. Brendon’s hands move along to Ryan’s cheek bones, stroking his cheek with his thumb as he brushes his tongue along his bottom lip, letting their tongues move through each other’s mouths easily, leaving no fuss. Ryan can’t help but let a moan escape his mouth, it echoing between them making Brendon move one of his hands down to Ryan’s pants, grabbing at his crotch making him yelp.
“You—“ Ryan stops, Brendon just raises his eyebrows. “Inside.” They practically run inside and Ryan pretty much shoves Brendon into the door, kissing him hungrily. “You,” Ryan moves to his neck, kissing and nipping at is making Brendon’s eyes flutter shut and moan quietly. “Are the biggest fucking tease.” He grabs the end of Brendon’s shirt, pulling at it and wrapping his hands around his slim waist, “And that’s my job.”
Brendon rolls his eyes and kisses him on the lips briefly, pulling at his bottom lip with his teeth, then heads straight for Ryan’s belt, grabbing at it until it is off and lying on the floor. Ryan is just running his hands up and down Brendon’s spine until Brendon gives in and raises his arms so his white v-neck can join Ryan’s belt.
“Not today.” Brendon advised, pulling off Ryan’s shirt easily and kissing his collar bone, making his way up to his lips as Ryan holds him. He really just wants to fuck him now.
“Fuck,” Ryan breathes out quietly, his head falling back slightly and jaw locking.
Ryan has his arms wrapped around him, fingers pressing into his back because holy shit this feels way better than whatever he would get from a girl. He stops making the comparison right after he had the thought, immediately being distracted when Brendon pulls his pants down to his ankles, and same with his.
“Shower?” Brendon moaned into Ryan’s ear. Ryan is biting his lip so hard that he can only nod. He can feel himself hard under the thin fabric, along with Brendon who is pretty much the same as him.
They make their way up the stairs and into Ryan’s bathroom, Brendon turning on the water and making it a comfortable temperature and looking over to Ryan whose eyes are wide.
“Checking me out?” Brendon began pulling his boxers down and stepping into the shower. “You going to join me so—?“
Ryan clears his throat and pulls down his boxers too, getting into the shower and pressing Brendon against the tile, kissing him roughly as his hand runs from his chest to his cock.
Brendon has a sharp intake of breath, the noise making Ryan smile against him. Ryan curls his fingers along his member, starting to run up and down slowly and starts to speed up. Brendon’s eyes flutter shut and his mouth hangs farther open, forgetting about everything that doesn’t have to do with Ryan— including the cuts Ryan is well aware that are there, and simply not making a deal about it. Brendon jerks his hips into Ryan’s touch accidentally. He doesn't want to look too eager.
“One day,” Ryan whispers lowly, hand falling back onto Brendon’s hip, “you’re going to let me fuck you, alright?” His voice firm and confident.
“Mm,” Brendon whispers, leaning back against Ryan, falling to his knees. “Let’s settle with this for today.” Brendon licks the head of Ryan’s cock; Ryan grabs Brendon’s wet hair and tangling his fingers in it tightly, being slightly taken aback by the course of events. There is more teasing going on, Ryan trying not to buck his hips to the feeling of Brendon’s tongue and lips all over him, kissing his hip bone sloppily and down the crest of his waist.
“B- ugh—“ Ryan bites his lip and closes his eyes tightly as Brendon takes him in, hollowing his lips and sucking.
Ryan never expected Brendon to be good at this but he was obviously wrong; his whole body almost beginning to shake to the feeling.
Brendon’s eyes are half open as he takes him in deeper. “F- Brendon I’m gonna—“
Brendon keeps going until Ryan comes, him swallowing it easily and pulling back, leaving a kisses on Ryan’s hipbone. “Jesusfuckingchrist,” Ryan rushes, hands still running through Brendon’s hair and breathing unevenly.
Brendon stands to meet Ryan’s eyes, arms falling lazily on his shoulders. The hot water is making him feel somewhat dizzy, but he isn’t paying much attention. “Is that okay?”
“Is that okay?” Ryan repeats sarcastically, raising an eyebrow. Brendon just laughs to himself and kisses Ryan again, taking small breaths between each kiss because the steam is beginning to build up.
“I think we should get clean in this shower, while we’re here.” Brendon suggests. Ryan smiles sheepishly as Brendon cleans him, hands running down his chest and around his body, paying attention to the little details that Ryan would find flawed, but these parts are Brendon’s favorite. Brendon moves lower and pinches Ryan’s ass, making him slightly jump to the touch and pout.
“That’s not nice,” Ryan frowns.
“You like it.” Brendon mutters quietly.
Ryan takes time to look at Brendon's body, trying to make it less obvious than before. “You’re really beautiful.” Ryan admits, brushing his fingers along Brendon’s chest.
Brendon kisses him sweetly in thanks, muttering a “you too” between his lips.
--
Reality sets in as Ryan sits in his clean living room with Brendon.
“My dad’s dead.” Ryan murmurs.
Brendon doesn’t say anything and continues to hold his hand, both of theirs getting slightly clammy by now.
“My d-dad’s dead,” He says again, voice louder.
“Ryan…”
“I— I have no parents. Not even a bad one.”
“You have Lola; she’s going to be coming in, like, everyday. Then you have me.”
“But—“
“Then you have me who loves you more than anyone. And that loves you more than anyone has ever loved you.” Brendon freezes, eyes wide open.
Ryan just looks at him curiously.
“Y-you love me?”
Brendon takes a deep breath, “Yeah, um- I- I do.”
“I love you too.”
The words come from Ryan so easily and genuinely, making Brendon blush and sink into Ryan’s arms which have wrapped around him during his little speech.
“Just… Brendon?”
“Hm?”
“Don’t leave me like everyone else has.”
Brendon didn’t think he could even think about moving from the comfort of the couch, let alone Ryan.
“I’m not planning on it.”
--
A/N I am so sorry for the terribly long wait. Is anyone even reading this story anymore? God.
I thought you guys deserved some smut... so there you go.
R&R please :)
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