FicWad

Gerard’s POV
“Come on, you have to eat something! Look at you. You’re wasting away.”
I didn’t look at my Mother. I didn’t want to tell her that that was really the point. I had been home for a week now. I don’t remember much of it, not that there’s a lot to remember. I had been in bed most of it even though the doctor had suggested the last time we have gone to the hospital, that I should go out and get some fresh air. Maybe going to school would even be a good thing he had said. Mikey had almost leapt in the air with joy at that. He wanted me to come back, wanted me to see our friends again. And so did I really. I wanted to see some normal people, have some normal conversations again. Mikey hadn’t been around much. He would come in and see me sometimes but most of the time was out. I had a horrible feeling that he was off seeing him and that hurt a lot. But Mum was around, too much I would say. She would make me food and bring me new books to read and my favourite films to watch. They remained untouched on the floor in a pile. The food always stayed untouched too. Soon if I didn’t eat I had been warned by the doctor they would put me back in hospital. Not that I cared. I had stopped caring about everything now. But as much as I tried I couldn’t stop thinking about…
“Hey Gee. Can I come in?”
Mum’s face broke into a smile at the sound of Mikey’s cheery voice outside my room. At least she had one son she could love. Mikey came in dressed in jeans and an old Nirvana hoddie of mine he had borrowed and never given back. I didn’t even bother trying to smile at him, it was too much effort. Mikey didn’t seem fazed that I hadn’t answered his question and just came to sit beside my bed. Mum left with the tray, shutting the door gently behind her. I hated how everyone always tiptoed around me now.
“How are you?”
I hadn’t really spoken to anyone much expect the occasional grunt where it was needed. I looked at him blankly and he just nodded slightly like I had given him an answer.
“You know what today is… Right?”
I shook my head at him, looking down at my duvet cover. It was black, a world away from the bright white of the hospital sheets. Maybe that was the point.
“Monday! And the day you come back to school. Mum’s already rung in to say that you’ll be coming and I’ve told all the guys. They can’t wait to see you!”
I just stayed staring at the covers. I wasn’t leaving this bed or this room unless I wanted to and my brother fucking well knew it!
“Come on, Gee. I know you’re upset but you can’t stay up here forever. And you can’t stop eating! Do you know how hard it’s been trying to feed Fran-“
He stopped himself, biting his lip but he now had my full attention. I stared at him, silently begging him to tell me about everything. I wanted to know about Frank. How he was. What he was doing. I know the answers would probably hurt because Frank was probably doing well without me. But still I wanted to know anyway. I wanted to prepare myself for seeing him again. Because I didn’t want to make him leave his friends just because of me. I had hurt him and he had hurt me. But maybe we could be friends, maybe we could just talk again like we used too. It hurt to admit that I still loved him, no matter what he had done I was like a wounded puppy who came back for a kicking off his master every time. I didn’t believe that Frankie could hurt me until he had. But he had and there was no way to fix that. I had hurt him and maybe just maybe he was hurt too. Maybe he needed me too! Maybe there was a chance that we could…
“Gerard… when you were in hospital …Frank and I had sex.”
My thoughts came to a standstill and I stopped breathing. I didn’t know what to do or to say. The idea of Frank and I being together now seemed even further away than it already had. I watched Mikey as he squirmed under my gaze. I stared at the boy as his eyes darted widely around the room and his shoulders hunched over, bending his head down so that his eyes were facing as far down towards the floor as his head would allow. I tried to think about what to say. A new kind of feeling exploded inside me. The anger, that raw fierce feeling that filled me up from the bottoms of my feet to the top of my head. My heart thumped and I wanted to hit my brother square in the head. I wanted him to feel my pain and it didn’t hurt me to admit that I would feel no guilt after I had done it. I had been screwed over so much. Nothing could make this better.
“I was upset an-“
“Shut up!”
I screamed at him, his words burned my ears and my cheeks flushed red with the anger that I felt.
“No, Gerard! You need to hear this!”
I just shook my head hard causing the scar on my neck to ache and burn.
“I was upset about you and I thought Frank really lov-“
“Mikey, shut up! Shut up! Shut up!”
His hand flew out from out of nowhere and slapped me hard across the face. My neck hurt but the shock seemed to stop any major pain that I might have felt. I just looked at Mikey, my mouth open from screaming at him, my eyes wide in my head. Mikey looked quite composed but he had started to chew nervously on his lip. His slap had had the deserved effect though and any anger I had once felt had been successfully slapped out of me.
“I’m really sorry, Gee. But you need to hear what I’ve got to say.”
I didn’t try to speak this time, just nodding my head and shutting my open mouth. My cheek stung but I decided to focus on what my brother had to say instead of caring about the pain.
“I was upset and Frank had told me he loved me. We had sex and … And he said …”
I reached out to squeeze his hand and he held my hand back, our fingers clasped.
“I said ‘I love you, Frankie’ and he said ‘I love you too, Gee’. He said your name instead of mine.”
I just breathed calmly. I had to be calm for Mikey. I tried hard not to remember the Mikey that had sat by Frank’s bedside, he had tried to tell me this then. I remembered how he had shook, how his hands had shaken and his lip had trembled. I tried to stop thinking about how broken he looked. About how hurt he had been. I tried not to think about when Frank had been to see me, lilies in hand, how he had told me he loved me, how Mikey had heard it all. I looked at Mikey now, he was being strong for me. He had forgiven Frank, he was friends with him again, or so I thought.
I couldn’t forgive Frank, not after this, not again.
Mikey stared down at the floor, his glasses steamed up and his face turning red. I reached out with the other hand that wasn’t holding his and pushed his face up to look at mine. He looked into my eyes and I smiled at him, my first smile since Frank had … I pushed the thoughts away and pulled his body up onto my bed. He relaxed his body into mine and I held him in my arms. My hand stroked his hair, smoothly out the tangles into submission while he giggled at my tutting at his unruly hair. He rubbed my back, his hand circling again and again, calming me.
“I love you, Mikes! And I don’t blame you for any of this, okay?”
He smiled at me, causing me to grin back. His smile really was infectious!
“I love you, Gerard.”
I kissed his forehead gently causing him to sigh heavily and hug to tighter. We lay in silence for a few minutes, me still stroking his hair.
“Do you hate him?”
I couldn’t think of an easy answer to give Mikey so just kept quiet. He didn’t ask again. I gave him one last squeeze.
“Right then!”
I let go of Mikey and pulled away from him causing him to make a grunt at the loss of my chest as a make shift pillow. He looked up at me from the bed, his eyes looking puzzled.
“Come on then! Didn’t you say something about going to school?”
His eyes shone and he jumped up, squeezing me tightly into an embrace. I breathed in his smell before shoving him off me.
“Off you go, Mikes! Just because you’re gay doesn’t mean you get to see you get dressed!”
He blushed a little but stuck his tongue out at me, cheekily.
“You can hardly talk!”
I laughed at him and gestured again for him to leave. He turned to shut the door behind him.
“Love you, Gee!”
The image of my brother leaving my room, his eyes glowing and looking genuinely happy for the first time in ages will probably be an image that would stay with me forever!
“I love you too. Now get out, you little fag!”
He stuck his finger up at me before leaving. I turned to my closet and opened it up. Nothing to wear!