FicWad

This is the last time I'm going to attempt to contact you. My last goodbye. You know who you are if you're reading this. If you're not that person... I'm sorry for spamming the category. There really needs to be an "Other" category...

I doubt you'll read this, but I'm sending this to say goodbye and apologize. I'm sorry I was so clingy and "stalkerish." You could have told me you felt like that so I could have changed. Not saying it's your fault though. I just didn't know. Not texting me back soon enough would not make me go over the edge, just to let you know. I'm not obsessed with you. I can deal with separation. I thought we were best friends.

Anyways... this email is sort of a thank you. Thank you for caring. Thank you for being the only person in my life who I could go to. Thank you for being in my life. Thank you for teaching me everything you taught me. Thank you for showing me sides to things I never would have noticed before. Thank you for opening my mind. Thank you for putting up with me. Thank you for boosting my self esteem. Thank you for letting me say "I love you." Thank you for everything you did for me.

I'm still going to keep your pictures and the stuff you bought me. This is a goodbye, but I'm not going to forget about you like you'll forget me. I was just another person in your life that caused you pain, and I'm sorry about that. While you did cause me pain, you were so important to me. I'm not going to forget your eyes, or the way my throat closes up and I can't breathe when you sing. I'm not going to forget how warm your hugs are and how the whole room lights up when you laugh. I'm not going to forget how you know the lyrics to every single song on your iPod, and every single actor and horror movie on this planet. I'm not going to forget our inside jokes and how amazing it felt to be around you. Or how you were supportive in everything I did and how you encouraged me to be me. I'm not going to forget how you let me wake you up early in the morning because I was crying and I needed somebody to talk to. I'm not going to forget how even just as friends, you held me when I was upset. I'm not going to forget about how once upon a time, you really may have loved me.

I'm not going to say I love you, or that I'll always be here if you want to come back. I know you don't want to come back. I don't want you to feel guilty, or pressured in any way. I was an unnecessary part of your life, and I respect that you don't want me anymore. I'm not going to lie and say that I don't miss you, though. It's hard now, but I'll get over all of this eventually. There will be a day when I don't have this aching feeling in my heart or tears in my eyes. Maybe we'll see each other again. Maybe we'll see each other at CYT. If we do, I'll smile but I won't approach you, because I'll know that you won't want me to.

The fight we had was stupid. We both said some mean things. It hurt me worse than anything in the world, but I know I wasn't the only victim. All of us did some stupid shit we shouldn't have.

I'm emailing you this and posting it to Ficwad so there's a better chance you'll read it. I know you don't want to have anything to do with me, but I needed to get this out there. Sorry for making it public. I didn't want to, but I know as soon as my email appears in your inbox, you'll delete it.

I don't think you ever really understood how much you meant to me. Think about all the people you've fallen in love with. Now pick the one you loved the most. Think about how strongly you felt about them, how they were everything to you. That's how I felt about you. How I still feel. But I need to get over that.

I guess I should be happy with the time I had you in my life. I loved you for the better part of a year. It's been a hard year, but it was better because I had you.

Be happy. Don't hurt yourself or do anything stupid. Please continue to be the amazing person you are. Keep rocking.

Stay beautiful.

-CJ