Categories > Celebrities > My Chemical Romance

Frankie Goes To Hogwarts

by Poppana 2 reviews

(ONESHOT) Frank Iero gets a very special letter from Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

Category: My Chemical Romance - Rating: PG - Genres: Drama,Humor - Characters: Frank Iero,Gerard Way,Mikey Way,Ray Toro - Published: 2012-08-24 - Updated: 2012-08-24 - 1336 words - Complete


“Is this too mean?” Mikey whispered, lines of worry clear on his forehead. The band was on a world tour, and they happened to have a few days off in London before the big concert.

“No way,” Gerard answered, crouching beside the hotel room door. “Trust me, this will be so good.”

“Guys, I really don’t think we should do this,” Mikey argued. “You know how sensitive he is! He confided in us about his dream, you saw how serious he was about it.”

Gerard shushed his brother. “Shut it.”

“Don’t worry Mikey,” Ray assured the man as Gerard slipped an envelope of yellowed, stained paper. “I don’t think he’ll even buy it. Even Frank can’t be that dumb. What’s the worst that could happen?”

But as it turned out, that was the day when Frank’s hopes and dreams were crushed.


Frank rubbed the sleep from his eyes and scratched his belly as he sauntered his way to the bathroom of the cramped hotel room he was staying in. The room was a mess. He had only been there for a day, and it looked like a bomb exploded in it. The wild pillow fight he had had with himself might have something to do with the mess, but he certainly was not going to explain that to the room service people.

On his way to the bathroom, which was located right next to the door that led to the hall, Frank noticed something odd. Mail. He never got mail, except for his monthly issue of the magnificent magazine “Short & Sexy”. But there it was, on the floor, an envelope with a red dot on it.

When he picked up the letter, he realized that the red dot was actually a wax seal, with a familiar crest pressed into it. He flipped the envelope over, and read the address out loud: “Frank Anthony Iero Jr, Room 192 --” he stopped reading when he realized what it was. Now the crest that was on both sides of the envelope made sense. Holy shit.

Frank screamed so loud that the whole hotel woke up, as well as everyone within the 500 mile radius. This was it! He finally received his Hogwarts acceptance letter! Sure, it was like fifteen years late, but waiting patiently really paid off! And so what if he was the oldest student to ever attend the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry? It’s not like he’ll stick out, he looked young enough to pass for a 11 year old, even though he was 26.

Needless to say, Frank was excited. After a brief jumping episode on the bed, he suddenly halted the spasming and gasped. “Oh no!” he shouted, and checked the calendar on his phone. It was September 1st! There was no time to waste! Frank remembered every single detail from the books, and he knew for a fact that the train will be leaving at eleven o’clock, sharp. It was already almost eight!

Frank was glad he hadn’t unpacked, so he simply fashioned a robe from the white sheets of the bed, snatched his luggage and dashed out of the hotel room.


Mikey dashed into the room where Gerard and Ray were playing Monopoly. The game board was laid out on the floor and the two men, who were lazing out on the couch, moved the pieces and rolled the dice with the tips of their shoes.

“Guys! It’s a disaster!” Mikey shouted out in panic.

“Calm down,” Gerard said, rolling his eyes. “Just phone mom to send you more underwear. Honestly, you’re 27 years old, learn how to use the bathroom at night.”

“It’s not that!” Mikey snapped. His cheeks had turned a lovely shade of red. “It’s Frank. He’s quit the band!”

“What?!” Gerard and Ray screamed at the same time.

“Yeah! He just phoned from the cab, he’s on his way to King’s Cross train station!”

“Wait, is this because of the letter?” Ray asked in disbelief. Sure, he’d known Frank was gullible, but this...

“It must be. He promised to send an owl and said that the Dark Lord shall have my dirty muggle head on a platter.”

What started out as a plan to freak Frank out a bit and then reveal to him that it was all just a joke had now turned into a potential catastrophe. Frank loose in London, thinking he has magical powers? Yeah, this will end in a bloodbath if they don’t act quickly.


Frank barged into the train station, out of breath (mostly because he kept babbling to the taxi driver all the way to the station about which house he wants to get sorted into), ignored the strange looks he got from people because of his sheet, and looked around frantically. There! Between nine and ten! Frank ran towards the brick wall, dragging his luggage, and...

Well. I think we all know what to expect.

He ran face first to the wall, so sure he would get through, and fell right onto the floor with a nose that was bleeding like a woman’s hoohaa during that time of the month. The pass-byers around him barely even looked at him anymore. Clearly he wasn’t the first nutter to try this, so it wasn’t exactly an uncommon sight, especially on September 1st.


“There he is!” Ray hollered, pointing at a weeping man sitting on top of a suitcase by one of the platforms. They ran to where Frank was crying uncontrollably, and he hardly even noticed them.

“Frank, are you alright? You’re all bloody! And why are you wearing a sheet? Where the hell is your underwear?!”

“Underwear?” Frank repeated the only word he could grasp on while wiping tears from his face. “Gerard... Hold me!”

Gerard flinched away when the man threw himself on him, but wasn’t fast enough and got blood and tears all over his fancy rockstar getup. “Alright, there there,” Gerard comforted the man awkwardly, patting his back.

“Guys... I missed the train,” Frank sobbed. “I think... I think it was Dobby. I couldn’t get through, and...”

Gerard, Mikey and Ray shared a regretting look. It really had been mean to fool Frank like that.

“Do you want to go back to the hotel?” Ray suggested.

“But... I have to steal a flying car,” Frank argued. “And damage a moving tree with it. And get scolded by Snape...”

Mikey decided to step in. “Frank, I have to tell you something. The letter you got, it wasn’t -”

Ray cut him off. “It was sent by mistake,” he said. “Hogwarts is closed down this year. Water damage, you know?”

Frank nodded understandingly, and seemed to cheer up. “I see. Moaning Myrtle, no doubt. Or maybe Peeves.”

“Yeah, sure, Peeves...”

Frank sighed and rose, holding the sheet up to cover his private jewels. “I suppose I’ll try again next year,” he said. “I’m sure I’ll still qualify when I’m 27.”

“Sure you will.”

“I was going to be in Gryffindor. And I was going to have a wand thiiiiis big!” As he spread his arms to show them just how long his wand was going to be, the sheet dropped, leaving him stark naked in the middle of King’s Cross. Even though he insisted that he had magical powers and that he could just use his invisibility cloak to hide the nakedness, the security guard still dared to demand he leave the station immediately. And as Frank was trying to use his powers to turn the guard into a toad, the rest of the band swore to themselves that they will never try to prank Frank ever again.


A/N: This is what happens when I can't enter Pottermore :D The Potter stuff has to be let out of my brain some other way.
Anyone who understands the reference in the title gets a reward.
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