FicWad

Frank lit up a cigarette as I sat next to him on my front porch while we watched the sun set, just like we had every night since we were six. I'd known him for years, and despite the reason he was liberated from Catholic School I was glad he was in the same school as I was. It had sucked that I would only get to see him when we watched the sun set, and even then sometimes he couldn't make it because he'd be grounded for acting out in class. Frankie was the type of neighbor who, over the years, made parents threaten to move into another neighborhood about fifty times a week. But he wasn't a bad kid he was....well he was Frank. "Frankie you really should stop smoking. You aren't even legal, and you've already begun destroying your lungs." I playfully chastised him.
"Shhhhh. Just watch the sun." he said as if he were a million miles away and not sitting next to me. He had just taken an LSD tablet, and would most likely still be high the next morning. Sighing, I returned my attention back to the great Apollo as he made his descent so that his twin sister, Artemis, might have a chance to look down at humanity as night came. Lucas was my best friend and so was Georgia, but there was something different, something special, about the relationship Frank and I had. It was effortless, and most of the time there was no talking, but he always knew what I was thinking just by looking at me. And there was never a moment of dishonesty between us. The amount of people that Frankie spoke at length to were able to fit on one hand. I was one of them, and still am. "You should be nicer to him."
Startled from my thoughts I glanced at Frank, "Who? I'm nice to everyone."
"No, you're not. You're civil to everyone when they're looking, but you most definitely aren't nice to everyone." he stated it merely as a fact, not an insult. I waited for him to elaborate. "He notices when you pointedly ignore him, or when you get flustered by the fact that he is there."
"Did you notice his hair was washed today?" I asked
Frank was confused, "Doesn't he wash his hair every day?"
"Uhm, no. No he doesn't. It's usually long and dirty and hanging in his face."
Frankie sighed and walked to the grass so he could lay on his back, "I was talking about Sky and Richard." He didn't say anything else. He only closed his eyes. Panic gripped me. I followed him.
"How do yo- what did yo- who said th-" I couldn't get the words out, and it was evident that Frankie was in his own world, so I reached over and violently shook his shoulders.
"Hey! NEVER shake someone while they're tripping." he grouched, but he knew what I was trying to say. "You forget. I read you like a book. Your pages are all torn and frayed, but you're not unreadable, Bri." he must have seen the horrified look on my face, because he propped himself up on his elbows and turned his face slightly toward me without looking away from the sun. The sun was so beautiful with splashes of pinks and oranges at the top, and dark blues and purples at the bottom. Frank flicked his Marlboro into the nearest bush. "Sky doesn't know, but he's certainly picking up on your weird vibes. You need to be honest with yourself. Who do you want to be with? You can't have both of them, and if you don't choose soon you'll be the one who's hurt the most in the end, because you'll know you broke your boyfriend's heart, and that Richard's heart was completely unfazed."
"I hate you."
"No you don't. You hate yourself." He lit another cigarette and took a long drag before looking me square in the eye. "Bri, you're not the type of person who can handle being alone, so sort this shit out before you lose everything." He stood and brushed the dust off his pants before pulling me to my feet so he could burn me with glazed over eyes. "No boy wants to date a two-timing bitch, and no person wants to be friends with a two-timing bitch. There are plenty of jealous people in this school who would kill for a juicy piece of information to bring you down. You better get to Sky before someone else does. People are talking, and you're keeping silent. It should be the other way around. I'm saying this as your best friend. You're so much better than this." I watched him as he began walking home. I wanted to cry, but it was stupid to do that. Choking down a small sob, I ran after him.
"Frankie?" He didn't respond. "Frankie!" I grabbed his shoulders and twisted him around so I could see his face. "You'll never leave me though, right?"
Looking me directly in the eyes he said quietly, "Not even if you tried to push me away."
I can think of only a handful of other times when I've hugged someone that hard.

---------------

"Miss Magnoli, you grade in this class is well below what it should be. I've given you extra credit assignments, I've stayed an extra few minutes after class to help you. Nothing is working. I think you need a tutor." Mrs. Lauren said while I sat in front of her desk instead of getting on the bus. She glanced back down at my grade sheet and shook her head. My shoelace was untied, but I was afraid to bend down and tie it. If I failed Biology my mother would not only kick my ass, but she would pull me out of theatre shows until the next semester. I didn't notice Gerard had even walked into the room. The next thing I knew he was sitting right next to me. Out of habit I began to scoot away, but remembered what Frank had said about being nice to people, and I stayed put. "Oh good, Gerard, you're here! Bri this is your tutor. Don't abuse the time he gives you."

About thirty minutes or so later I found myself sitting across from Gerard in the library. He was sitting upright in a chair and I was sprawled out on the couch. In spite of the fact that I was acting like a jerk he continued quietly to explain the Food Chain. Frankie's words about me being kind came back to mind, so I sat up and leaned in toward him. He jumped slightly and looked at me for a second before he let his hair fall back in his face. "Thank you for tutoring me. I know I'm not the easiest person to deal with. I promise I was listening to what you were saying." I hoped the smile I gave looked sincere, because it was.
"Yeah. Thanks for lunch." His voice was so soft I almost didn't hear him. I had forgotten about paying for his lunch.
"It's no problem. You needed help and you were new so I helped you." We sat there awkwardly. "What did you paint that day in art class?"
"What day?" his voice was raspy, but quiet
"The first day you were here."
"Oh. Nothing."
"Where did you move from?"
"Hackensack."
"Oh." Realizing this was the longest conversation I had with him I felt like a jerk off. I'd known him for three weeks and barely spoke to him.
"Saw your movie."
I hesitated and laughed nervously, "Didn't everyone?" Please don't get all fan boy on me, I thought.
"It was alright. Your acting was good, but the plot sucked."
I was stunned. That was a long sentence for someone who never spoke. "Yeah I guess you're right." We sat there again in total silence. To my surprise he broke it.
"You going to Frank's on Halloween?"
"I wouldn't miss it for the world. It's his birthday you know." If I wasn't mistaking I would have sworn he showed a hint of a smile beneath his protective black curtain. "Are you going?"
"Yeah. I love Halloween. Frank is cool."
"Frankie is the best."
"Sky going?"
I had forgotten about Sky, "Oh, uhm, yeah I mean, he IS my boyfriend so he'll be there, because I'm his girlfriend and that's what girlfriends do. They only have their boyfriends as dates." Mentally kicking myself I wished I could have gone back in time and stopped myself from saying that.
"Oh, cool." he still had his hair in front of his eyes. I remember wanting to brush it away from his face. Since he'd started showering his hair looked soft and shiny and I wondered if it smelled good. Sky had a buzz cut and always smelled sweaty from Marching Band. Without thinking, I reached out. Quickly, Gerard jerked away from me.
"I'm sorry. I didn- it was ju- your fac-." I needed to take a deep breath. My stomach felt flustered suddenly and I didn't know why. I didn't like it.
"It's okay." he mumbled.
"I didn't mean to scare you. I won't touch you or anything, especially if you don't want to be touched." Oh gosh, I thought to myself, I sound like a Bad Touch health video. "It's just- it's just that I was wondering why you were hiding behind your hair." It was apparent I'd caught him off guard. Why was I acting like such a moron? "I'm sorry. I'm not sure why I'm being so nosy."
"Well I have to go. See you tomorrow." He rushed out of the library.
I flung myself onto the couch and draped my arms over my eyes, moaning. "What is wrong with you, Bri?"

---------------

For the next few days he and I got together in the library so I could be tutored in Biology. For someone who seemed clueless, he was incredibly intelligent, and very patient. It took me a long time to understand things and he was okay with that. After a bit he began speaking more. He had a dry sense of humor and I couldn't always tell if he was kidding or not, but the thing that got me was that he still hid behind his hair. Hair that I still wanted to touch. The urge scared me.
"Do you want to come watch the sun set with me and Frankie tonight?"
"Uhm, well, uh sure."

---------------

After Gerard finished tutoring me for the day we began walking to my house. I didn't live very far from the school. If I ran as fast as I could the entire way it would only take me a little over five minutes to reach my home, but for the then chubby Gerard and I walking it took about fifteen or twenty minutes. We kept silent the majority of the time only every so often commenting on how the crispness of a New Jersey Fall was beginning to set in, or to say 'Bless you.' when the other sneezed. We reached the corner of my street when Gerard looked up and said, "You live here?"
I laughed, "No, I'm actually a creep that likes to walk up and down this particular street. Yes, of course I live here."
"Oh, well, this is my house..." he pointed to the first house on the left side of the road.
It was a house I passed every morning during my runs, and sometimes when I rode my bike on weekends. Gerard had lived there for almost a month and I never even noticed. The house was a sickeningly perfect, light blue little peanut of a house with an adorable white picket fence and white shutters. Under each of the front windows were little white flower boxes containing yellow poppy flowers that were impeccably kept. The lawn was perfect. Leading up to the door was a cobblestone walkway lined with lavender and tiny white flowers that I couldn't quite make out. (Mrs. Way still keeps her house looking like the front of a Country Living Magazine. It's awful.) Through the downstairs windows I could see white lace curtains and cute furniture. It was all rather dainty, and I couldn't decide if I liked it, or if I was repulsed by it. Upstairs there were two windows. One of which had lacy white curtains matching those downstairs, and on the other side there was a face peering out at me curiously from behind thick red curtains. I stared back at a thin boney face that was the complete opposite of Gerard's. We locked gazes as he fearlessly stared me down with his head slightly cocked to the side before he disappeared. Glancing over at Gerard I saw that he was staring at the ground as we kept walking right past his house. Four houses down was my humble home. It was white with faded green shutters and a lawn that was haphazardly cut by my mother every other weekend...if she remembered. When I was about three my parents split up, and my mother got primary custody of me. Since (at the time) I was a minor, all the money I had made with my movie had been put in a savings account that I couldn't touch without my mother's permission, therefore we lived like normal middle class citizens in suburban New Jersey just like everyone else. Don't get me wrong, our house wasn't ugly or poorly kept, it was a nice house, but compared to Gerard's house I felt as if I lived in a slum. As we came closer to my house I saw Frankie sprawled out on a tie-dyed blanket on my front lawn. His shoes were off, his right arm was behind his head and his other carelessly held a cigarette that he would occasionally pull from before allowing his arm to flop back by his side probably just avoiding setting the blanket on fire. His eyes were closed and he was smiling to himself, humming. He was most likely high, but every so often Frank was like that all on his own. Coming closer I couldn't find any evidence of him having smoked pot, and he limited himself to one psychedelic every other week, so I happily concluded that he was sober. There was still about an hour until the sun set.
"Well this is me." I smiled awkwardly and watched as Gerard looked at my house. I searched his face for any trace of any emotion or reaction. Finding none, I walked a bit ahead and plopped myself down next to Frank. Ripping up some grass I dropped it on his face as he took a long drag on his cigarette, making him jump up.
"Yo! You want to set me on fire? Throwing grass and shit..." he said as he threw a massive clump of grass and dirt at my shirt, covering me in crap. I threw it back at his face and shoved him, knocking him over onto his back right at Gerard's feet. Trying to sit up he sputtered trying to get the grass out of his mouth. "Oh, hey man. You joining our heathen gathering?" Gerard nodded in response. "Oh good," Frank smirked wickedly, "We needed a human sacrifice."
To my absolute shock, Gerard laughed. "Yeah totally. That's what I'm here for." I was incredibly confused. Gerard sat down opposite Frank and I and asked Frank for a cigarette. If there was one thing Frank never shared it was his cigarettes. He was underage and they weren't the easiest things to get, so he coveted them. Without a second thought Frank tossed the box of Marlboros and the lighter toward Gerard. I couldn't believe what was happening.
"Do you do this every day?" Gerard asked, unusually animated, but still soft-spoken, as he inhaled that first full breath of his cigarette.
"Yeah man. Every night since we were six, unless I was grounded for pissing off some nun or other from school." he said carelessly waving the thought away. Ash from his Marlboro flew off in the breeze and got in my hair. It had a pleasant smell as I shook it out. "I'm glad you came today man. It's pretty magical just sitting and watching the sky go through a complete array of colors before finally turning dark. You should totally bring your paints next time." Oh God, I thought, I don't want a next time.
"You paint?" I asked.
"Uh...yeah...art class?" Gerard said quietly, not looking at me. Of course. Art class. Why do I act like a total dumbass around him? I thought to myself.
"Oh yeah. Sorry."
"It's alright."
It was getting closer to what Frankie called 'Quiet Time' which was when we'd lay back and silently enjoy the beauty of day turning to dusk and dusk turning to night.
"Dude, I just acquired the most beautiful woman in the world. Her name is Mary Jane Juana" Frank said excitedly to Gerard.
"I didn't know you had another girlfriend." I said, hurt that I was kept in the dark when Gerard seemed to know exactly what was going on. Frank looked at me with a drool stare.
"He's talking about pot." Gerard said, still not looking at me. Why won't he look at me? I thought. Highly annoyed, but interested in what goodies Frank bought.
"She's beautiful." he said pulling a baggy out of his ruck sack. It really was pretty. The weed was bright green with purple crystals. It must have been incredibly expensive. Seeing Mr. and Mrs. Across the Road come outside, Frankie quickly hid the baggie in the pocket of his baggy jeans. With a quick glance at the sky he laid down and shushed us all. "And now we watch."

I settled down on Frank's left and Gerard on his right. It was getting darker and the temperature was beginning to drop. I rarely wore jackets, and that day I was regretting it. Frank, who was in a t-shirt seemed impervious to the cold and Gerard was in his hoodie. Shivering slightly I sighed and quietly tried to rub the goose bumps off my arms.
"Do you want my jacket?" Did my ears deceive me? Gerard was sitting up and peering at me over Frankie from behind his hair. What was going on? This whole night was so weird, and I regretted asking him to come. What did I say? Did I accept it? Was it even clean? Won't he be cold? I had no idea, but I was cold and there was still a chunk of time before the sun actually set.
"Uhm, sure. Thank you." I mumbled, embarrassed, taking the jacket he held out for me.
"Mhmm, this is for the lunch." he said laying back down.
Realizing he had a long sleeved sweater on underneath I didn't feel so bad about taking his hoodie. I held my breath because I was afraid it would smell unpleasant, but as I stared at the sky I realized that I couldn't hold my breath forever, so I tentatively took a breath. His jacket smelled like fabric softener and cigarette smoke mixed with some other scent I couldn't place. It was kinda nice, and the hoodie was still warm. Slowly, but surely the sun began to set. The sky grew darker and darker as we three sat there in total silence. Not even our breathing made a sound, as if we were afraid the slightest noise would shatter the beauty around us. The sky stretched out forever and ever and made me realize how small I was. How easily I could get lost in the universe. How insignificant so many things were. The sun was still hanging on by a thread at the horizon and far above it stars were visible. At last the end of the Earth swallowed up our Great Sun and surrounded us with darkness. I heard a quiet sigh come from Gerard. Frankie and I sighed in response.
"Nothing is more incredible than realizing how lucky you are to be able to witness and be a part of this strikingly beautiful world." they were no more than a whisper, but they were powerful words for a fifteen year old kid who never spoke unless spoken to first. We nodded our heads in agreement.

---------------

We were so lucky to be there in that moment together. Words can't describe that weird connection we all suddenly had to the universe and to one another. With the first light of the next day all those feelings dissipated and we went back to the way we were. Moody teens who didn't know how to properly communicate with one another. And Gerard and I went back to only speaking during my tutoring sessions. That was a weird point in our lives. I sprinted through my days...trying to outrun my problems, Frank ran from the world and Gerard ran from himself and his inner demons that would soon rear their ugly, deadly heads. My life was turning into a mess, and it was my own fault for being so damn selfish and clueless, but in all fairness I was only fifteen and had a lot more growing up to do than I realized.

---------------

A week later we found ourselves all at our usual morning table in the cafeteria buzzing with excitement in a way only a bunch of pubescent soon-to-be young men and women can. Halloween was the next day and Frank threw the most epic parties. Halloween was his specialty. The party was always held in his back yard, but you had to go through his haunted house to get there. Personally, I was and still am a massive scardey cat, and so I hated that part, but it was worth the terror to get to the party. Frank and his older brother played amazing music and their mom cooked brilliantly. Not to mention it was Halloween. There was always something dark and forbidden and exciting about that holiday. Nudging me, Frankie leaned in close to my ear and whispered, "I'm going to pop your Weed Cherry at the party tomorrow."
"YOU'RE GOING TO WHAT?!?!" I screamed at him making him wince.
"Shit, Bri, shut-up. Want to bring Big J over here?" he hissed still close to my ear. "I was talking about pot. I'm going to make you smoke POT tomorrow. Christ, woman." he sat back, holding his ear.
"So Gerard, do you want to be my partner for art class?" Gerard glance up and Georgia, slightly surprised that she would ask him that. I looked up at her the same way. I wanted her to be my partner.
"Yeah, sure." Now I'd have to be partners with Stephanie. I almost slammed my head on the table.

---------------

"Alright class, I finished grading your tests on DNA, and I must say. For the most part you all did how you typically do. Half of you passed while the rest of you did horribly. I'm not entirely sure how to better communicate the lesson, but you guys have to work with me here. This is a magnet school. You needed to pass various tests to get here, and need to keep certain grades to stay here. There is no doubt in my mind that every single last one of you is smart-" she kept droning on and on and on and I just wanted to see my test. A wadded up piece of paper hit me in the side of the head, I picked it up and looked around the room to find out who the culprit was. Stephanie was signing at me, and I had no clue what she was saying. Sighing I faced front again and opened the ball of paper. Scrawled in her neat handwriting was the following message, "dude i totally failed i no it omg this class is so boring if she doesnt stfu i'll jus SCREAM." I felt as if I had wasted the last ten seconds of my life on that stupid thing. That was ten seconds I could have put toward curing cancer, or adopting little Asian girls, or reading a book or eating dirt. I turned long enough to give her an ugly face and I threw the paper in the waste basket a few feet in front of my desk. Finally, Mrs. Lauren shut up and began handing out our test when the bell rang. When she reached my desk most of the class was already packing up and leaving. I sat quietly with my hand clenched together. I could NOT fail that test. Without even looking at me she put my paper on my desk and then handed Gerard his. Swiveling around I saw Gerard smiling at his test before he began getting up.
I reached out toward his wrist, "Wait." he stopped and looked at me. His hair shifted, on its own, to the side a bit and I could actually see one of his eyes. "I can't look. It's too much. Can you?" I handed him my test. He took a quick glance at it, smirked and chuckled under his breath before placing it face down on my desk. Tentatively I picked up the edge of my paper. I got an A - . "Well I'll be damned."

---------------

Lunch was really awful. Belleville thought it would be a good idea to "Get everyone into the holiday spirit!" by decorating the school and making food that was supposed to look like rotting flesh and body parts. It was repulsive. It was bad enough the food tasted like rotting flesh, but now we had a visual. Every time Sky turned away I'd put some of my food on his tray. He was the only one actually eating because he had Marching Band before lunch, and was always starving. I liked my boyfriend, obviously, but I wished that band students were given time to shower before the end of class. Every few minutes or so I would scoot a little further away from Sky because he was stinky, and that made me scoot closer to Richard. Why on God's green earth was Richard sitting with us? Richard and Lucas were both on the football team together, so I guess they were friends. Neither were very nice to Gerard. I expected it from Richard, but it bothered me that Lucas was being rude.

---
"He just rubs me the wrong way." Lucas told Georgia and I back when Gerard first started to hang out with us. "It's like he is off. I mean it was nice and all that you bought him lunch that day, but he hangs out with us all the time now like a lost puppy. All he does is sit there. Richard and I are getting pretty annoyed. I've got my eye on him, Bri. I'm telling you. He ain't right."
---

"Dude, oh my God EW!" Stephanie said as she came waltzing up to the table. "Like what IS this?" She sat next to Gerard, "Do you know what this is?" she asked and he shrank away from her.
Suddenly something jumped on my back and grabbed me, covering my mouth mid-scream. Frank let my mouth go and shouted, "Happy Hallows Eve, Fuckers!" We all cringed and looked to make sure Big J wasn't around. Frank was so high. It wasn't atypical for Frankie to become overly excited the day before Halloween, (About half way through the day he would always develop a mysterious stomach pain and have to have his mother called. He would spend the next day and a half decorating his house and yard and creating a costume.) but he'd obviously gotten by with a little help from his "friends". Which, to be honest, wasn't all that uncommon either.
"Georgia, your boyfriend is the classiest of gentlemen." I mumbled trying to shove Frank off, but he wouldn't budge. He had latched on much the same way a Koala latches onto a tree branch, which would have been endearing any other time but that one. Sky was eyeing him with an oddly hostile glare, but it went unnoticed by Frankie. "My Mom came to get me so I'm leaving early today. Catch you guys at the party tomorrow! Prepare to get your scare on!" with a quick chaste peck to my cheek and a ruffing up of Richard's hair Frank bounced off, and we all stared after him.
"Alright...?" Gerard said. Everyone stopped and looked at him.
"Holy shit he speaks!" Stephanie screeched
"Stephanie!" Lynette chastised.
"I have a mouth. Just because I don't abuse the privilege like you do-" she cut him off
"He speaks! In sentences!"
Gerard gave her a withering glare. "I'm not disabled" he mumbled.
"Oh god! He made eye contact!" she yelled. Richard laughed.
"Stephanie you are not being chill right now." warbled Leash. As stoned as she was even she knew better.
"Yeah but, he like, is talking guys. Like with sound and words and stuff!" Obviously it was time for Stephanie to find a less brain damaging hair product. (I wonder if that was even something you could get in the nineties? I don't know...) "I didn't know he could DO that! It's like he-"
"Shut up!" Gerard yelped. It was a high pitched strangled sound, as if yelling was something he hadn't done in years. We all stared at him. What are you even supposed to do when someone quiet decides to yell, besides stare at them? He calmed himself and muttered, "Such a pretty face, but you do so carry on." With a pained expression, he picked up his bag and tray and left.
"I've never seen him stick up for himself before." Leash said.
Georgia nodded in agreement. "I'll go see if he's alright. Bye guys, see you in art."
"I've never seen him stick up for himself before." Leash repeated.
"You said that already, Half Bake." Richard sneered.
"Hey, fuck you too, Dicky." Leash yanked her bag up from the floor and made to leave when she "accidentally" tripped and hit Richard in the back of the head with her Math book.
"Bitch!" he growled, rubbing his head.
"I'm going to go, there is way too much negative energy here." Lynette said as she too left.

I'd managed to stay silent the entire time. No that isn't true. I was stunned into silence the whole time, and as I looked around I realized I was alone and surrounded by the enemy. On either side of me I had Richard and Sky, and across from me were Lucas and Stephanie. Realizing that I classified Sky and Lucas as enemies bothered me, and I wanted to leave, but I couldn't think of a good enough reason. So, grimacing, I picked up a "bloody and broken finger" (Corn dog...) and took a bite.

---------------

Ah, my dear reader. I have no doubt that you have a growing sense of impending doom. Or maybe not, perhaps some of you are just wanting me to talk about mad passionate animal sex between me and Frank or me and Gerard, and I'm sure there are you "Frerard" fans out there hoping Gee and Frankie shack up and do it like the Discovery Channel, but to be honest that's not who I was. That's not who any of us were. With the exception of maybe Stephanie and Richard we were all sexually reserved as teens. In spite of the trumped up crazy stories we tell in interviews most of our group kept their V Cards for quite some time. That didn't mean we didn't have some seriously intense urges. Or that we didn't make it to second or third base. Come on. We were teenagers. We were also fucked up, bitter, scared and self conscious teens.
The following hours I'm going to recount for you all became a pivotal point in our lives. To this day, when I'm asked about that Halloween Party at Frank's, or when someone brings it up I still maintain that I don't remember a damn thing. It's not a total lie. I don't remember all of it. It comes and goes in chunks.
Of course I'm aware of the major risk I take by writing our story and posting it on a public forum, but after "accidentally" alerting the guys to a particularly vile fanfiction a few years back (that included rape, incest and a multitude of other things that made Mikey literally gag) the guys have sworn off any and all sites that have the words "MCR" and "Story" in the description. Also, I'm sure that nobody will believe this. It will be written off as another made up story. I thought this through, my sweet readers. Our stories are stories that need to be told. Pain can only be bottled for so long, and happiness can only be contained to a certain point.

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In the typical fashion of teenage girls we all soon forgot the epic lunch fight from the afternoon before. We'd spent all Saturday afternoon at my house getting ready for the party of the year. Lynette was dressed in a gorgeous red hooded cape and black lace corseted dress. She was going as her favorite priestess, Morgana. Her long black hair was loose around her shoulders and after hours of trial and error she'd finally achieved a natural looking and effortless wave. Georgia was going as the classic Disney Tinkerbell. I was incredibly jealous of her petite figure and tiny nose. Even though Hollywood deemed my appearance acceptable, I still hated the way I looked. I thought I was too fat, and my nose was too big. In my opinion my skin was awful and I had too many stretch marks because my boobs and hips filled out too quickly too early on in puberty. Georgia had little pom poms on her green slippers and sparkly fair wings that looked like nothing I'd ever seen. Flitting around my room she threw glitter everywhere.
"Hey! Girl what are you crazy? It looks like a Unicorn pooped in here!" we all laughed at her. Stephanie, in true whore fashion, went out and bought lingerie at Frederick's of Hollywood, added some bunny ears and called it a costume. Even so, her costume was much more seemly than mine. I was a young actress and walking out in a skanky outfit was something the world could handle. It was something that the world even expected. But no, I decided to cross dress for the occasion. One of my favorite movies of all time had always been Stanley Kubrick's "A Clockwork Orange". The main character, Alex DeLarge, is a psychologically questionable character with Chaplin-esque taste in clothing. Naturally I chose to dress as Alex with white tights, cod piece, suspenders, brown ankle boots, a white button down shirt, falsies on my bottom lid, and of course I had the cane and bowler hat. For extra effect I splattered some "blood" on my outfit, face and hands. We all needed somewhere to hide our alcohol. Luckily, the character of Alex was addicted to a special drink laced with drugs, so I just took an old fashion alcohol bottle with me. Lynette was able to put her drink into the medieval style flask at her waste, and Georgia hid her alcohol under the fairy dust in her glitter pouch. Stephanie was tricky, because there was no place to hide a bottle, so we decided to play up her sluttiness by given her a "fake" bottle of vodka to walk around with. In the end we all looked magnificent, even Stephanie. "Alright, ladies. Remember, cool, calm, collected, classy and KICK ASS!" I laughed. What a stupid kid I was. I had no idea what was waiting for me.

---------------

Standing in front of Frankie's house we could hear music blasting from the back yard, but it was getting drowned out by the blood curdling screams inside the house. The house that we had to walk through to get to the party. Scared, we walked forward. Frank's mom stood at the front door. She was a teeny little woman and a total saint. Her brown hair was always perfectly in place, and her outfits always matched and looked as if they came from the front cover of a 1950's fashion magazine. I've never heard a single profanity or harsh thing come from her mouth, but she wasn't uptight...at all.
"Hello ladies, you know the drill." She smiled sweetly at us. The only non-perfect thing about her was her teeth. They were slightly yellow from years of smoking, but otherwise they were straight. "Invitations please?" we all handed her our cards and she crossed our names off the list. "If you leave the party you can't come back. You dears all know the rules. If you drink you do it in the back yard only. If you do drugs. I don't want to know unless someone needs medical attention. Enjoy yourselves at our little shindig!" a dark shadow fell across her face, "That is if you don't die of fright before you even reach it." Laughing an uncharacteristically wicked cackle she pushed us in and slammed the front door shut before we could even try to turn around. It locked from the outside.
"Well alright. Let's go!" Lover of all things Horror, Georgia took the lead with Lynnette behind her as Stephanie and I clutched onto each other, not wanting to be in back, but it was better than being in the front. Like all haunted houses there were cob webs everywhere, but Frank was nothing if not dedicated. Sickeningly realistic bloody appendages and entrails were scattered everywhere, and someplace above us there was smoke slowly making its way down the foyer and into our eyes. Stephanie whimpered.
"Oh come on, Stephanie. Nothing's happened yet!" Georgia said excitedly as she and Lynette jumped up and down like excited children. "Which way should we take?! Which way do you think leads to the back door?" There were three ways to reach Frank's backyard from his front door, and every Halloween he created a maze. If you chose the wrong way, God help your pants, because chances were you would piss them. Luckily we found the way out the first time. The real way out was exponentially less scary then the dead ends were, and while we had a few good scares our throats weren't raw, and we didn't need to chug any alcohol. The party music got louder and louder until a light appeared twenty feet away as the door opened and some of our fellow classmates were let into the party by a tall figure in a grim reaper costume.
"Well well ladies, you've survived this time. Next year you won't be so lucky." The door opened allowing Stephanie and I to shove our way outside making a big dramatic show of being back in the real world.

---------------

If there was ever anyone who knew how to throw an amazing party it was Frank and his older brother, Adam. For all of Frank's lack of height (He was almost sixteen and he had already reached his full height of five foot four) Adam was a monster at six foot three. Adam was quiet and never spoke to anyone. Ever. He spent most of his time brooding in his parents basement with his cat, Sniper, as he listened to music by suicidal no names while shooting up cheap, poorly made heroin and getting drunk on the least expensive vodka he could find. But he was Tommy Lee's equal on the drum set. I always liked to think that was how he communicated with the world. It was the only time I ever saw him remotely animated, but just because he was quiet and weird didn't mean he wasn't nice. While he was constantly hurting himself, I never heard or knew him to show even the slightest hint that he had a mean bone in his body, but I'll talk about that more later, when it matters.

---------------

"Richard! I'm so glad you're here!" Stephanie screamed as she skipped over to the already intoxicated Quarter Back who winked at me.
Wrinkling her nose, Georgia said she was going to see if she could find someone to try and trade her vodka for some whiskey. It was just Lynette and I when I smelled something weird before I was grabbed from behind and spun around. For a split second I was able to make out Frank's face before he pulled me toward him and crushed his open mouth against mine. As I reared back to kick him in the shins I felt something hot and smoky being blown forcefully down my throat. It filled my lungs to their maximum capacity and I felt as if my brain slammed forward into the front of my skull. Frank pulled away just as I started sputtering, trying to catch my breath, but it made me breathe in more, and so the smoke I coughed out only went right back in. It took me a few minutes to stop coughing, but when I finally stood up I immediately regretted it. My vision was at least five seconds behind whatever movement I was making.
"Easy there. You'll get used to it in a second." Frank said holding onto my arm.
"What did you do to me?" I rasped. My voice was still slightly hoarse from coughing.
A trippy instrumental began playing in the background, and Lynette began dancing like a heathen. As I stared at her she appeared to be moving in slow motion, but I was still watching her at regular speed. It was so weird to be seeing two speeds at the same time.
"I shotgunned you." he said simply
"You SHOT me?!" I yelped checking myself for wounds. My body began tingling.
Frank only chuckled, "No, I took a massive hit off my blunt, held the smoke in, and then exhaled it into your mouth. You like it?" It was no secret that Frank spared no expense on weed. I'd no doubt been hit with Kush, a high grade branch of pot, and I was really starting to feel it. I was hyper sensitive to touch, and the hand he still had on my arm felt as if it were becoming a part of my body. Did I like it?
"Oh yes. This feels lovely. Everything is lovely." My eyes felt puffy and squinty and no doubt were starting to get red. It was a feeling that I was enjoying. "Can I try?"
"Yeah, man. Just relax and pull in until you feel like your lungs are going to pop, then stop and hold your breath until your chest burns. When you can't take it anymore breathe out as slowly as you possibly can for about three seconds before you pull all the air back in." He held out the joint and I hesitated. The air next to me moved, and I looked over to see Gerard lift a hand and shyly wave to Frank. He was in all black with heavy makeup on his face. "Dude, nice. Modern day vampire? I can dig that."
He nodded awkwardly to Frank. "Hi." he turned to me, but I couldn't see his face and didn't know what he was thinking. "Alex DeLarge. Nice."
"I totally just popped her Weed Cherry with a shotgun from my very own lungs." Gerard turned back to a proud Frank, "Now I'm trying to show her how to take a good hit by herself. Care to demonstrate? You look sickeningly sober." and he handed the joint to Gerard who obviously knew what he was doing.
Oh, my dear reader, it was a moment I couldn't forget if I tried. When he began breathing out the smoke from his mouth I swear I inwardly moaned. The thick, off white smoke came snaking sensually from in-between his lips and began to dance just in front of his pale face like a woman taunting her lover. I felt the need to touch those lips. It was one of the most sexual things I'd ever seen in my entire life, but as quickly as it came, he sucked it back in before blowing all out with a slight cough.
"That's how you do it!" Frank exclaimed slapping Gerard on the back. "Alright, Bri. Let's get this road on the show."
Staring at the little rolled joint Frank held up to my lips I became increasingly nervous as it was lit and I started to pull in. The smoke made its way through my mouth, down my throat and into my lungs. Burning everything it touched. I had the strong urge to cough, but I didn't want to look stupid in front of the two guys. Lynette was in her own little word as she danced around like a fairy princess. "Hold it in. Don't blow out yet." Frank's voice was getting farther away, but he was still standing only about a foot in front of me. My lungs were on fire and I choked letting some of the smoke out before I clamped my hands over my mouth. "Dedication. I like it." His voice was a million miles away. Barely opening my lips I allowed a tiny bit of smoke to escape before pulling it all back in as hard as I could. The universe crashed down on my body and I couldn't contain my cough anymore. I began choking, and with each cough I felt higher and higher until I became a star in the sky.
"Oh god." I managed to get out before I started choking again. If Frank was still holding my arm I had no idea, because my entire body was tingling. Don't get me wrong. I was completely aware of what I was doing, who was around me and I wasn't hallucinating, but damn did I feel better than I'd ever felt in my whole entire life. Needles to say we finished off the blunt.

---------------

The next thing I remember is hearing a cover of Nirvana's Lithium blasting through the yard as I learned for the first time how wonderful it was to cross buzz weed and vodka. As I jumped around to one of the greatest songs ever written I watched the guys on stage. Frankie was throwing himself around on stage like a rag doll while Adam was on drums. Playing the other guitar was this kid named Ray Toro that I'd only met a handful of times. He was nice. He was normal. It was weird. Frank had been trying to get him to come to Belleville for months, and Ray finally caved and auditioned. He was an amazing guitar player. Like, orgasmic, that's how fantastic he was. Naturally, he got into Belleville, and with the start of the second half of our sophomore year he would join us in class. The guys never used the same bass player twice, because Frankie said they all sucked, and so I had no idea who was on bass. What floored me, however, was the front man. He was sweaty and screaming and thrashing around the stage as if he was a born performer. Like the intoxicated peanut I was, taking my life in my unsteady hands, I began shoving my way haphazardly through a mosh pit full of massively tall, angry, sweaty and drunk teen boys so that I could reach the stage and see. Every girl at the party was going insane and fawning over Frank, but I'd wanted to see who the new singer was

---------------

Shaun Wilson was the band's former lead singer, but after years of shooting up in the back of other people's vans or behind the school's bleachers, he sadly over dosed. It was one of the worst things I'd ever experienced. The summer in-between my freshman and sophomore year, after stealing Sky away from band practice to go make out under the football stadium, we found Shaun laying there. On the ground. Eyes wide open. Dead. His face was blue and his body was contorted into a shape that just wasn't natural. The worst part was the sick smile that was going to be forever frozen on his once handsome face. We'd all known Shaun for years. He had just graduated. Everyone took it pretty hard. Adam drew even further into himself at the loss of his best friend. The Wilson's moved out shortly after the funeral, and, as the sick Fate's would have it, a few months later the Way's moved in. We never told Gee that. Later I found out that for the longest time at the beginning of their friendship Frankie refused to go to Gerard's house. Everything was done either by Frankie's, or at the park a few blocks away.

---------------

My world was spinning and the universe was in my hands. The stars and the grass and the people around me and the music and the smell of alcohol and everything. We were all one. I hadn't realized I'd said any of this out loud until Lynette spoke up and said, "This is why I'm Wiccan. Everything is one in the Great Mother. Hey where's Georgia?" I shrugged. I'd heard from someone in the crows that she had achieved her goal of finding good whiskey and proceeded to go inside on the couch and pass out. "Oh gosh, I better get her home. Will you be okay?" I shook my head in the same way most drunk teens do. "Well, I trust Frank to get you home." She hugged me and went off to find Tinkerbell.

--------------

Stephanie and Richard were by a tree about thirty feet away eating one another's faces, and my stomach fell out of my body.

---------------

I don't know how many songs went by until I finally got a good look at the singer when he ran his hands through his hair as if he thought he was so delicious he was going to have sex with himself right there on the stage. I may or may not have had my mind blown all over the grass, and on the people next to me, and all over my white outfit, and in my beer (I'd long ago finished my vodka). My mind was a bloody mess. It was all over. "GERARD!" I screamed. No. I slurred it. He turned toward the sound curiously until he saw me waving like an idiot at him. He winked. And licked his lips. Then I got pushed on the ground by some moron next to me who was moshing just a little too hard.
My head was spinning and I felt a bit sick, but after taking large gulps of air I was fine, and stood up just in time to see Frank on his knees in front of Gerard, who had his back to the audience. Was he giving him a blow job? My mind exploded all over again.

I was so heavily messed up that I'm surprised I still remember things.

Two hands placed themselves on my waist. As buzzed as I was, I still had my wits about me. Turning I saw that the hands belonged to Richard. "Get off."
"Come on, babe. Your boyfriend isn't even here yet." He leaned in as if he meant to kiss me. I tried to pull away. His breath smelled like cheap beer and old cigarettes. It was all disgusting. People were staring as he grabbed my behind, but they were too drunk to realize just how serious this incident was about to become.
"Get OFF!" Struggling against him, I tried pushing him, but it was no use. He was so much bigger than me and he was on the football team. Fear gripped me as he started pulling me into a dark corner of the yard. "No! Get off! Stop it! I'll scream!"
"Oh stop. You always said I had to wait until we weren't in school. We're not in school anymore." He smiled evilly and dragged me behind the stage. It was dark, and nobody would be able to hear me over the band.
"Please let me go." News reels of Sharon Tate flashed through my head. I began whimpering. They say that bursts of adrenaline are enough to sober someone. With me it was not the case. I must have looked like easy prey, but I wasn't going to give up. When he forced his mouth on mine I went back to the oldest trick in the book. I kicked him in the crotch as hard as I possibly could and ran.
"Bitch! You'll fucking pay for this!" I heard him scream.
I almost started crying, because that was always what the killer said before the beautiful young actress was taken out.

Making my way back to the front of the crowd I calmed myself and took a massive swig of my beer.

At the end of the show everyone freaked out, including myself. The female audience members practically ate Frankie and Ray. I spotted the bass player walking away with Stephanie. Richard was somewhere I was sure, but I couldn't see him. Where was Sky? He was so late. It was so late. Stephanie's period was probably going to be late. Adam walked up to whisper something in Frank's ear before he slinked back into the house. Gerard was gone. Frantically, I looked around until I saw him in the corner just behind Frank, awkwardly talking to a few people who were telling him how amazingly he did. Stumbling in my stupor I shoved everyone out of the way until I got to Frankie. Throwing my arms around him I kissed him all over his cheeks, making some of the girls disperse, grumbling under their breaths.
"Oh wow. You are so messed up right now." he took my beer and drained the rest of it. "Gross that was warm as fuck!"
"Oh, well then. That's what I get for congratulating you on another fantastic show!" my speech was really slurred, but I was coherent and aware. I was just beyond happy and I had no clue what time it was.
Frank playfully chucked my chin and hugged me back, kissing me on the forehead. Then he hit my ass really hard and said, "Come on let's get cold beers." He grabbed my hand, and went to grab Gerard's wrist, but Gerard yanked his wrist away. "Dude, I just pretended to give you a blow job, and now you decide to be shy? Hey, Ray? Come on, we're getting beers and I'm about to roll a joint."
We got beers and went to sit down by the tree that was a few feet to the left of the stage. A fresh joint was rolled and we were passing it between the three of us. I had my head in Frank's lap as he leaned back on the tree. Gerard sat cross legged in front of us and Ray was leaning back on his elbows next to Gerard. All of the guy smelled horrible from sweating so much, but I was beginning to get high again, and my limbs didn't want to move me away. I looked up at Frank who was staring at the stars. The stars that were so much greater than us. So much more important than us. So much more beautiful than us. So much more. So. Much. More.
"Most of those stars are already dead, but their light hasn't finished traveling to Earth yet." Frank said as he closed his eyes and finished off the blunt. It was as if the particles in his body and the particles in my body were melting together. I was stoned. Really stoned. And drunk. I finished off my beer and threw the empty can at a couple doing some heavy petting about five feet away.
"Get a room!" they glared at me and told Frankie that he should have cut off my supply which only made him laugh and half heartedly flick them off.
"Seriously guys. Go get pregnant somewhere else that isn't my house. My mother gardens there." They left.
Rolling over lazily I allowed my gaze to fall on Gerard. He was staring at the grass as he fiddled with one of the dead leaves. He's too moody, I thought to myself.
"Dude I'm so at peace." Ray said, interrupting my thoughts as he stretched himself out and laid down on his back. I was disinterested.
"Gerard. Geeeeeee. Gerry. Way. Ger. Ard. Way. I like Gerard best." The three guys stared at me. I hadn't realized that I'd said that out loud. My hands flew up to my burning cheeks as I fell into a fit of nervous giggles. "Ah I said it out loud I'm sorry I'm just stoned and I've never been stoned before." I sat up. My body was like Jell-O. I was hitting my limit. The guys were equally messed up, but because they were no strangers to being high or drunk they could keep control and remember things way better than I could. Gerard's hair was in his eyes. "Gerard? Why is your hair always in your face. I bet you're so pretty underneath all that hair." Nobody moved as I crawled forward, almost falling over Frank's knees, and sat in front of Gerard. I was so fucked up, and I could feel myself slipping. I gently pressed my forehead to his. His breath smelled like expensive pot, beer, and mint. I don't want to know what mine smelled like. My face was burning with the hot flush of too much alcohol. Nobody else said a word, and Gerard sat stone still as if he were afraid of what I would do next. Without breaking contact, I rolled my head slightly to the side. "What are you hiding from?" I breathed into his ear. His face was cool, and mine was just so hot. It was so hot, and I didn't know why. The music from the D.J. was so far away and I wasn't really a part of my body anymore. My right cheek was burning and I thought it was going to melt off, so I pressed it against his face as I brought my right hand to gently touch his left cheek. He sucked in his breath at my touch, but didn't budge. Closing my eyes I stayed there for a second before pulling back so that our noses were mere centimeters apart. Taking my hand slowly off his cheek I moved the hair out of his eyes. There was a torch just above us. Even in my stupor I noticed that his eyes weren't black as I had initially thought. They were a dark greenish brown. They were a swampy green. I liked them, and my stomach flipped. I didn't know why. He wasn't particularly good looking, but it was the first time I'd ever seen his eyes. No that wasn't true. We'd made eye contact twice before, but this time, I thought to myself, was different. He wasn't glaring at me. "See? Nothing bad happened." His eyes bore into mine.

"See? I told you, man. She's fucking around on you." Gerard jumped back, horrified. I didn't know what he was looking at, but it was terrifying him.
My response time was so much slower. Everything was starting to spin and I could feel the contents of my stomach begin churning. "Wha- are you- what is going on?" The next thing I knew I felt a hand grab my arm and forcefully pull me up. The next pair of eyes that looked into mine were angry and very drunk and scary. They belonged to Sky. But the eyes didn't match the voice. I tried to look around to see who the voice came from when Sky grabbed my chin and forced me to look at him. Trembling, I wanted to go throw up. Literally. I could feel the bile slowly start working its way up.
"What is this?" he murmured. He sounded sad and disappointed and hurt and angry and afraid. Afraid of losing me. But he looked scary. Like he wanted to throttle me. Oh no, I thought, don't think about being shaken. It made me feel even more nauseous.
"I- I-" I had to stop talking, because I knew that if I opened my mouth the only thing that would come out would be all the alcohol and the finger shaped Twinkie I had consumed earlier.
"Bri, I'm really surprised." I heard a third voice. It was Lucas's. That much I knew. Which meant, by default, the third unknown person had to be Richard. Fear and anger ripped through my body.
"Here I was thinking that you were two timing me with the Hobbit." If my mouth wasn't so dry I would have tried to stick up for Frankie.
"Hey, come on, man. That's enough. You don't touch girls. Ever." Hearing Frank's voice and feeling him move closer to Sky and I was like hearing the voice of God. "You're drunk. You're taking something that Richard said seriously. You're hurting Bri. You're way taller than me, you're still going to get your ass kicked if you don't. Let. Her. Go." It was then that I noticed that Frank was incredibly intoxicated, because his voice warbled. He'd lose if a fight broke out. What was going on. Then I understood. This was Richard's way of getting me back. I wasn't going to be killed. I breathed a sigh of relief, until I came back to reality. Frank's prediction was coming true. What was I going to do? What had I JUST done? What was I thinking? I should have gone home with Georgia and Lynette.
"Dammit, Bri. Him?" Sky made a large, drunk gesture to Gerard who had backed up against the tree. Ray was confused. Unsure what to do. "He's fucking worse than Frank! He is so goddamn weird. Probably keeps dead things in his basement and cuts himself while he reads gay porn mags featuring Star Wars characters!" I frowned. That wasn't fair. "Gah you disgust me." He threw my head to the side and my whole body went with it. Had Frank not grabbed me I would have fallen. As it was I almost took him down with me. Getting tossed around was not helping my stomach. With each second that passed I was feeling more and more ill. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Gerard with his head in his hands, and Ray looked revolted by the three boys in front of me. Using Frank's shoulder to push myself up I stood and walked over to Richard, Sky and Lucas.
I took a moment to look each of them in the eye. I was about to give into my nausea. I could feel it starting to creep into my throat. "I HATE all of yo-." Before I could finish the word I puked my guts up all over Sky. Frankie held my hair back until I was done. I then spit on Richard, making him freak out before I proceeded to pass out.

---------------

The second I opened my eyes I regretted it. Never in my life had I felt so awful. The sunlight assaulted my eyes and immediately my head felt as if it'd been hit with a mallet. Rolling over painfully I noticed that I was in my own bed, my shoes had been taken off and there was a bottle of water, an Aspirin and a note on my night stand. Putting my hand over my eyes I reached over and grabbed the note. It said in messy hand writing:
---
B -
I took you home and had your mom help me bring you to your room.
Take the Aspirin.
Drink the entire bottle of water.
Go back to sleep.
I'll be in touch.
- F
---
I did exactly what the note said.
Was I run over by a train? Or perhaps a herd of elephants?
As I was falling back asleep bits and pieces of the night before began to resurface.
I was fucked when I went back to school on Monday morning, and I knew it too.