Categories > Celebrities > My Chemical Romance > Gerard? No way...
Chapter Six
1 reviewConsider this, the hint of the century Consider this, the slip that brought me to my knees, failed. What if all these fantasies come flailing aground? Now I've said too much.
1Ambiance
1995
~
My Publicist:
"Have you seen the most recent photos of you in the magazines? Who approved that dress? It was NOT me."
"What was wrong with that dress?"
"Everything, it made you look fat."
"Oh..."
"And that isn't all the dress's fault, Hon. Have you been eating again?" she smacked on her gum
"Yes, I need to eat to stay alive."
"Nonsense, do you think Kate Moss eats? You're getting fat. Nobody likes a fat actress."
---
My Agent:
"You got that part by the skin of your teeth."
"Julius, I got the part what do you care?"
"It's because they like your previous work, not that horrid audition."
"I did my best."
"Your best sucks, Kid. Do better. Hollywood waits for no one. Find your inner fire or whatever you want to call it and do it quick before you're just some child star who nobody remembers."
"You're supposed to be on my side."
"Please, everyone is on their own side in this business. You know this."
"Well I'm paying you to be on my side."
"No, you're paying me to keep you famous. YOU owe ME. Not the other way around. Don't you forget that."
"Well I got the part, that is all that matters."
"This movie better be a blockbuster, Kid."
He hung up.
---
My Therapist:
"You're problems seem a bit superficial." she judged
---
My Mother:
"I never encouraged this in the first place."
"What?"
"This acting business. Said from the very beginning it was bad. Don't do it, I said, but did you listen?"
"Ma, you never said that."
She only tutted
---------------
You all get it. I don't have to explain how shitty people in Hollywood are. I don't have to explain how much it sucks to be shredded and torn down but still decided to stay because it's what you love to do. As high school went on I had a few one episode stints on television shows, a few mini-series, and I had put out a CD the summer before my senior year to raise money for AIDS Research. It did rather well.
---------------
"Oh my CHRIST! We go back to school tomorrow! I can't fix this!" Frantically, I looked through everything as my throat tightened. I'd spent all of my Senior Spring Break working on the parts he was supposed to have been doing over the months prior to that moment instead of going down to the Jersey Shore like all my other friends did. "Gerard, what happened to our English project?" My weight was going down due to stress and a new personal nazi trainer, so my bra strap kept falling down off my shoulder. I pushed it back up. He seemed a bit hyper focused on the action. My final moments of freedom before I graduated and began work on another movie, were now pointless. He ruined them. Just like he ruined everything else. Sighing I waited for him to answer. When he didn't respond I lost my cool and threw the ruined project at his face. Wanting to cry, I stood there, hating him, in the middle of his basement bedroom while he lay on his bed, seemingly oblivious to the world. "Gerard, don't you CARE!" I screamed, my eyes stinging. He didn't understand. He couldn't understand how hard I worked to fit in and be normal while having everyone tell me how stupid or ugly or imperfect I was.
"I always care." he rasped.
"No you don't! I hate you!" I didn't really. In response Gerard only squeezed his eyes shut as if I had deeply hurt him. Giving up, I grabbed my pocket book from where it was next to his bed and turned to leave when I felt something grab my arm and hold tight. Whirling around I glared at him, "What? Get OFF." when I yanked my arm away and tried once again to leave he jumped up and almost fell on the floor.
"I always care. It's because I care." What? He was making absolutely no sense. Infuriated I didn't turn around, I was out of his room and nearing the stairs. There was a slight thump behind me but I refused to look back. Tears were forming in my eyes, but I was holding them back. He was wrong. "You don't see what is going on around you." he spit at me. "You're so fucking blind to the pain of others. LOOK AT ME!" Jumping, I dropped my purse and it spilled everywhere. My eye shadow shattered, creating a dark brown stain on the carpet. It was my favorite one. Without another word I began to weep. "My Grandmother has Breast Cancer, Bri. She could die. I don't know what to do, so I drink because it means that I can put off trying to figure it out." I looked up and saw him leaning on his door frame for support. His eyes glassy with tears. What does anyone say to something like that?
Weakly, I spoke up "Gerard you don't get it -"
"There you go again. Honey, this mirror ain't big enough for the both of us. Nothing you're going through could be as bad as this." He said calmly.
"You can't compare two separate problems from two separate people." I felt terrible about his Grandmother. I really did, I loved her like my own. His face suddenly paled and without a word he wobbled and allowed himself to sink to the floor. Taking a deep breath I got myself under control and walked over to him. His mother and Mikey were visiting family in New York and weren't due back until later that night, so I couldn't just leave him there. Gerard was still breathing, muttering something to himself. His sleeve had moved up when he fell. I noticed red welts all along the underside of his wrist, and scars that appeared to have been healed and reopened many times. "Oh my god. Gerard, honey, no." I breathed, touching his cuts, just before I realized he was muttering that he didn't feel well. I had barely started moving out of the way when he threw up on my feet.
After being sick, Gerard passed out cold, causing me to curse under my breath. I couldn't leave him there and I had no idea what combination of things he consumed so I figured letting him stay asleep was not a good idea. "Hey." I said as I poked him. "Wake up." he stirred and opened his eyes before closing them again. "Jesus Christ, Gee." I looked around and saw a text book thrown in the corner of his room, so I picked it up and slammed it down on the floor next to his face.
About forty minutes later I had him upstairs, teeth brushed and sitting on the couch with water. I felt stupid for crying before, and while I was still angry with him, I was completely blindsided by Grandma Elena's illness and didn't know what to say. "Would you like more water?" he nodded and handed me his glass. I tried desperately not to stare at his wrist. It was difficult to know if he had heard me or if he was really out. Walking back from the kitchen I said, "It's nice out." the weather was disgustingly humid, but he hadn't been outside and wouldn't know the difference.
"Is it?" he curled up on himself
"Want to watch tv?"
"Sure."
"Gerard?"
"Don't."
So I didn't.
When his mother came home he and I were fast asleep on the couch and I woke up to Mikey staring at me, with his nose mere centimeters from mine. Shooting three feet out of my skin, I smacked my head on his causing us to both yelp and wake up Gerard. When he saw his family there he gave me a pleading look.
With a puzzled look at her eldest son, Mrs. Way turned to me, "How did your English project go? Did you finish?" she asked suspiciously
"Oh yes, it came out wonderfully." I lied, rubbing my forehead.
"Oh good. May I see it?"
"Oh, uhm, I brought it home already."
"And you came back?" she eyed me questioningly
"Well I, uh,-" I couldn't come up with a lie.
"I didn't feel well and she felt bad leaving me by myself." Gerard spoke up, distracting his mother who immediately went into Manic Mother Mode and began fussing over his temperature and complexion. It allowed me the excuse I needed to leave.
"Well, uhm, bye, then." I ran out before anyone had a chance to stop me. I spent the whole night trying to save our project. We pulled a low B.
----------------
It was a Wednesday afternoon in early May. The first non-humid day all season, and I was taking full advantage by laying out after school trying to get tan for prom. My mother had gotten me a Walk Man and I was testing it out, but the head phones wouldn't work, so I took them off and just listened to the sounds around me. Mr. and Mrs. Across the Street were mowing their lawns, some kids down the road were reenacting the scene where Luke Skywalker found out that Darth Vader was his father. When I suddenly heard the little girl next door arguing with someone.
"Do to!" Emilia said
"Do not!"
"SHE DOES!"
"NU UHHH!"
"YES GO LOOK!"
"FINE I WILL!"
Opening my eyes I realized the sound was getting closer and closer until Emilia and a little girl who looked just like her walked into my front yard. Sitting up on my elbows I smiled and waved, "Hey Emilia!"
Emilia took in the look of shock on her friend's face with relish. "I told you, you dork. I live next to her, and she knows my name." then she turned to me, "This is my cousin Patricia. She didn't think I lived next to you and could get you to give her an autograph." I laughed at them and extended a hand to the Doubting Cousin. I thought she was going to die of the dithers when she touched my hand.
"Do you want an autograph?" The girl couldn't have been older than seven or eight. She simply nodded, dumb struck. So I signed the napkin Emilia brought over and handed it to Patricia. "Here you go, Kiddo. Be good now." and they left.
I must have been asleep for about an hour because I was getting some good color when I heard a blood curdling scream come from Frankie's house. It was not an uncommon sound, because Frank liked to play pranks on his mother all the time, but this scream was different. It was anguish, not fear. I grabbed my cover up and put it on as I sat up, but nothing else came from the house so I dismissed it and began to pick up my things. Everyone went back to what they were doing. Moments later there was a massive slam and I turned to see a blur sprint out of Frank's house. That was not good. Frank never ran. Ever. He had severe asthma, so without a second thought I took off after him, the bottoms of my feet becoming ravaged by the uneven pavement on the sidewalk. "Frank!" I shouted. He said nothing. Didn't even acknowledge me. He only kept running, so I kept running. After a few seconds I knew he couldn't go for much longer, I knew he'd have to stop. He got to the end of the block before collapsing into a fit of wheezing. Fearing an asthma attack I grabbed him and turned him to face me. What I saw was not what I was expecting. His face was red and splotchy, but not from lack of breath, from what looked like tears, but his face was dry. Without warning he grabbed me and cried silently. I had no idea what was happening, and people were staring at us. I was mortified by this sudden public display of emotion, but I hugged him back anyway and flicked off Richard who was sitting on his front porch smirking at us.
"Don't leave me, Bri. Don't you ever EVER leave me."
I was confused, "Not even if you push me away, Frankie."
"We-" he stopped as a massive coughing fit wracked his body
"Frank, what? What is wrong with you?"
"The bathroom floor."
"What about it?"
Out of nowhere he shoved me away and tried to run again, but couldn't breathe, and stopped.
I chased after him and tried to help him stand "Frank I don't know how to help you, what happened?" he ignored me and started coughing again. "Where's your inhaler, you're scaring me." he reached into his pocket, but it wasn't there. "Okay come on, let's go home and get it."
"NO!" he screamed, afraid
"I don't understand, Frank you're going to have an asthma attack we have to get your rescue inhaler." he managed to dislodge himself from under my arm and he took off, coughing and wheezing.
I knew he wouldn't want to be followed and if I tried he'd probably do something stupid like hold his breath, but I knew right away based on his direction that he was going to the park, so I raced home and changed before high tailing it down to the park.
---
That Saturday the sun was beating down with a vengeance, and my black dress was sticking to my legs, making them itch through my panty hose. Everyone stood silent. There was no noise with the exception of a sniffle here and there. I was holding Frank's hand, or more, he was crushing mine. He made no noise, had no facial expression, but the broken bones in my fingers spoke otherwise. Finally, Father Leviticus walked up to the grave and took a moment to look sadly down upon the coffin that lay there.
"I never enjoy burying anyone, least of all a child. Perhaps what is the most tragic thing in the world is to be surrounded by people who love you and yet still you feel isolated as if nobody cared. But I've said my piece, and Frank Anthony gave a wonderful Eulogy. Now the time is for you to have your moment to toss a flower or patch of dirt or perhaps to be with your own private thoughts." he stepped down and went to comfort Mrs. Iero who had begun sobbing.
The suicide notes read as follows:
Mom, It's not your fault. I deserve this after the shit I put you through. (shit was crossed out and replaced with the word things) Life wasn't worth it. It was too much effort to do this to myself and you every day. I love you. I'm sorry.
Frankie the Kid. If you give up I'll come back and kill you myself. I love you man. I'm sorry.
Frank was on my right, and showed no signs of letting my hand go any time soon, and Gerard was on my left. He had on sunglasses and was chewing some gum rather harshly. People began to form a line in front of the grave. Quietly, Gerard let out a warbled whistle. "I'm real sorry Frank. You know we can't let this be his final farewell right?" Without speaking Frank looked up. "Yeah man, we gotta party."
Frank glared at Gerard, "The fuck, Gee. You crazy? My brother just fucking slit his wrists into the fuckin' next decade and you wanna throw a party?"
"Yeah, when the funeral ends we throw a party. We all get together when we bury our friends anyway. Show em that you're not next. That they'll never take you alive. Show everyone that you're not going to walk around drowning in fear and self loathing." Frank started at Gerard, but I yanked him back.
"Stop. Both of you. Gerard you should be ashamed, and Frank don't disgrace your brother by fighting over his grave. Plus what would it do to your mother?" So we all stood silently, watching people toss dirt on the grave, or whispering a final goodbye to Adam, a young man whose life never really started and therefore should not have ended.
"We need to celebrate Adam. He had a shitty life. He shouldn't have a shitty death." Gerard was drunk and being highly insensitive, but he was also entirely right. After that he was silent again, and nobody spoke even when the line dwindled down to the last person.
"Frank, sweetheart, time to go in now. Come on, let's go eat." Mamma Iero tried to pry her son away from me and Gerard, but he wasn't having it.
"I wanna stay. At least until they cover him up."
With fresh tears beginning to form she gently touched her now only son's shoulder and nodded, biting her lip as the tears finally broke free and fell down her porcelain cheeks. "Okay, honey, you stay with him." and then she allowed herself to be led away by Father.
Nothing on God's Green Earth could have prepared me for what happened next. Once the final person was inside and out of earshot, and the grave was covered, Frank completely broke down. Sobs wracked his entire body. It was horrifying, and I didn't know what to do. He began collapsing and had I not grabbed him we both would have fallen. He cried in a way that was obviously making up for all the tears he hadn't shed up until that point. Gerard was looking at the ground, and I couldn't see his eyes behind his glasses. I struggled to hold Frankie up. "He said he'd never leave me, Bri, and he left me. He fucking left me all alone!"
Immediately, I was sent back to one of my darkest moments.
One weekend when I was nine I was standing by the front door waiting for my dad to come pick me up. It was my weekend with him, and he was an hour late. Soon an hour turned into half the day, and the day eventually turned into night. I called him and called him and finally my mother told me that he wasn't coming. I never saw my dad again. Trying to wrap her arms around me, my Mother was giving excuse after excuse as to why adults sometimes make bad decisions and hurt people they don't mean to hurt. I pushed and kicked her away and ran to Frank's where I sat at his kitchen table until two in the morning crying my eyes out. Nobody said anything the entire time I was there. Mamma Iero made me cookies and hot tea, then she offered to wash my jacket for me. It was covered in snot from me wiping my nose on it. Taking it, she walked out of the room. As I looked up to watch her go I saw Adam's lanky teen figure leaning on the door frame. Silently shaking his head, Adam walked over to me and placed his hand on my head, ruffling my hair. "We'll never leave you, kid."
Wiping my swollen eyes I looked at him and then I looked at Frankie. "You guys promise that you'll never leave me?"
Looking me straight in the face Frank said, "Not even if you push us away."
That was the only thing Adam ever said to me.
I hugged a broken Frank. "Sweetheart, you're not alone. You have us. You have me, and I love you. I'm not going anywhere" Squeezing Frank's sobbing body I tried to keep myself from falling apart. I gritted my teeth to hold in the tears until my soul ached and I couldn't do it anymore. I collapsed under his weight and I held him like I'd never held anything before in my life, and as he sobbed I desperately tried not to betray myself. As I looked up, through my blurry tear stained vision I saw Gerard kick some rocks and walk away with hunched shoulders.
Frank mumbled something, "What?"
"Did you get what you deserved?"
"Frank what are you talking about?"
He pulled away and stood over the fresh mound of soil, "Is this was you deserved? Is this what you always wanted?!" he fell on his hands and knees and then after a moment curled up in fetal position in front of the head stone.
"Oh Frank, come on. Don't do this."
That night Gerard swiped some booze and got myself, Frank, Mikey, Matt, Ray and this girl Eliza who did stage make-up all together and we snuck into the graveyard. After profuse amounts of alcohol were consumed the cops finally found us blindly drunk by the mausoleum door, and sent us home.
My mother, though she disliked Frank, had nothing against his mother and had offered to stay with her, so Frank and I sat in his room on the bed staring into the darkness.
"This is the worst I've ever felt in my entire life, Bri." I didn't know what to say. "Why did he leave?" Adam was obviously in pain, but I didn't want to tell Frank that. He'd only feel responsible. "What am I going to do?"
I don't know what possessed me to do what I did next, but I leaned over and kissed him. It was the only way I knew how to force some sort of comfort on him. He kissed me back. It was a desperate, needful kiss. Neither of us pulled back, and I deepened the kiss finding that I was enjoying the physical contact. His lips were soft, and the inside of his mouth was warm and tasted sweet like gin. He reached up and cupped my cheek and I placed my hand on his chest right over his heart. It was pounding. He gently laid me down on the bed and broke the kiss long enough for us to breathe. "This okay?" he asked, fixing my bra strap which had once again fallen down. I pulled him back down by his tie, renewing the kiss with a passion I didn't know I had within me.
---------------
I rolled over and whimpered when the sun hit my eyes. I was slightly hung over, and had no desire to get up. My elbow bumped into something warm and hard, that was followed by a deep groan. It was then I remembered what I'd done the night before.
"Oops, sorry, Frank." what do you do the morning after? I was only freshly devirginized and had no clue.
"It's fine, how do you feel?"
I wriggled about, I was slightly sore but otherwise fine. "Pretty good actually."
"Good, now go back to sleep it's too early to get up." he must have noticed the look on my face "The door is locked don't worry." So I snuggled up against my best friend and fell asleep.
When I woke up and reached out for Frank I found that I was alone in the bed. "Frankie?"
"Here."
Sitting up I followed his voice and saw that he was sitting in just a pair of boxer shorts at his desk with his head hanging in his hands. Over the past few months his asthma had gotten worse and his doctors had to put him on steroids, causing him to put on some weight. But it didn't matter to me. He was still Frankie.
Sliding off the bed I wrapped the sheet around myself and walked over, placing a cold hand on his scorching skin. "What's wrong?" he said nothing he only handed me a yellow envelope. Puzzled, I opened it. It contained three thousand dollars and a photo of Adam holding Frank at his Christening. I realized it was the envelope Adam gave Frank on Thanksgiving two years ago. On the back of the photo it said: Use it wisely, Kid. "What are you going to do with it?"
"Use it wisely." he said taking it back from me, returning it to the envelope, and placing it in a drawer which he then locked.
I kissed the top of his head and hugged him, pressing my cool cheek to his hot one. "There was nothing you could have done to save him, Frank."
"Then why does it hurt so much?" he asked looking up at me with the eyes of an abandoned child.
Letting out a breath I sat in his lap and pulled his head to my chest, "Because you have a heart, and it just broke."
---------------
"I bought you something." my mother said walking into my room and handing me a box. I opened it slowly, curiously, not having done anything to deserve a gift.
It was a camera. A real camera. "Oh my God, Ma. Wow."
"You've had a rough few years, and I know how much you love that Polaroid but hate how you can't adjust anything on it, so this is a cheap camera, but it's adjustable." I hugged her and cried. She got it. She got me. Finally.
--------------
Monday morning I could hardly wait to show Frankie what my mother had gotten me, so I ran over to his house and his mother directed me upstairs to the bathroom.
"Frank! Look what I got!" I said pulling my camera out as he walked out of his pitch black bathroom.
"I'm out of fucking hair gel." he said as I snapped the photo. When I would later have it developed I would see that the street lamp coming through the window and his shower doors were reflected a million times behind him in the mirror. It was the same bathroom Adam killed himself in.
"Christ, woman. I'm blind now. Thank you for that. And I'm out of hair gel."
"I know. You're welcome, now let's get to the bus stop before we miss it."
"Oh, I'm not riding the bus, Gerard got a car, I have a while."
"He did?"
"Yeah he's been saving up over the years, got it for seven hundred bucks."
In a later interview Gerard would talk about his baby affectionately, “It looked like an X-Wing and it came in just one color, which was 'metal' colored. It was awesome, though. I spent $700 on it, and I know people now who have rims that cost more than that. I had friends that all bought new cars and they were always breaking down on them. But mine lasted. Only thing was it couldn't really go up hills.”
"Saving up with what? He's always been too drunk to hold a job."
Frank gave me a droll look, "Don't be a bitch. He sells his artwork." I'd known him for three years, and had a secret fascination with the weirdness that was Gerard and yet I never knew that he sold his art. Like, for instance, I knew he carried a recessive gene that caused his pinky to extend further out than the rest of his fingers, and how when he got nervous he sniffed a lot, even if his nose wasn't running, but I had no idea he was good enough to sell his paintings.
"Well, can I come?"
"No way."
"Why not?"
"How can I brag about losing my virginity with you in the car?"
"Oh my God! Don't Frank." I lightly shoved his shoulder
He only laughed and brushed me aside playfully shaking his head "You can't tell me you won't be telling someone."
"No," I paused to cross my arms, "actually, I won't be telling anyone." I huffed. Let him put that in his pipe and smoke it.
"Ouch was it that bad?" he seemed hurt
"The complete opposite." I laughed "It's something I'd do again."
"Really?"
"Oh yes. Now kiss me, you animal."
All day I think our friends knew something was up, but couldn't place their fingers on it.
---
Later that day I came home and after doing my homework I went up to my room to change into some running clothes. I was preoccupied all day and didn't know what to do with myself. Going over to close my blinds, I noticed something taped to my window. It was a cassette. Intrigued, I opened the window and took it down. On the front, a label with only the number 1 was sitting right in the middle of the black plastic. I went to my boom box and placed the tape inside. After a few scratchy seconds the tape began. It was R.E.M.'s Unplugged 1991 Version of Losing My Religion.
Oh life, it's bigger
It's bigger than you
And you are not me
The lengths that I will go to
The distance in your eyes
Oh no, I've said too much
I set it up
That's me in the corner
That's me in the spotlight
Losing my religion
Trying to keep a view
And I don't know if I can do it
Oh no, I've said too much
I haven't said enough
I thought that I heard you laughing
I thought that I heard you sing
I think I thought I saw you try
Every whisper
Of every waking hour
I'm choosing my confessions
Trying to keep an eye on you
Like a hurt, lost and blinded fool, fool
Oh no, I've said too much
I set it up
Consider this
Consider this, the hint of the century
Consider this, the slip
That brought me to my knees, failed
What if all these fantasies come
Flailing aground
Now I've said too much
I thought that I heard you laughing
I thought that I heard you sing
I think I thought I saw you try
But that was just a dream
That was just a dream
That's me in the corner
That's me in the spotlight
Losing my religion
Trying to keep a view
And I don't know if I can do it
Oh no, I've said too much
I haven't said enough
I thought that I heard you laughing
I thought that I heard you sing
I think I thought I saw you try
But that was just a dream
Try, cry, why try
That was just a dream
Just a dream
Just a dream, dream
------------------
Around three thirty the next day I was laying in bed listening to the tape, trying to figure out where it came from as I tied my running sneakers. It couldn't have been Frank. The only time he listened to mellow tunes was when he listened Blind Melon and I didn't know of anyone else who would send me something like that, so I had just chocked it all up to some random dude that was probably a creep who put tapes on people's windows, when my phone rang.
"Hotel California, how may I direct your call?" the voice on the other end surprised me, "Gerard?"
"I need a favor."
I became instantly nervous. He and I were still kinda weird since that fight when I saw the cuts on his arms. "Uhm, what's up?"
"I have to take my Grandmother to her chemo session and hospitals creep me out and I would ask Frank but he is afraid of hospitals too and I don't know who else to ask and I don't want to go alone and you don't have to if you don't want. You know what this was a dumb idea never mind I'll just go by myself I'm really sorry for bugging you. Bye."
He sounded like a little kid. I caught him just before he hung up the phone. "Gerard wait. I'll go with you."
"You don't have to."
"I know, it's fine. I'll go."
He let out a sigh of relief, "Thank you. I'll be there in a few minutes."
"I'll run over, give me thirty seconds."
When I got there and saw Elena for the first time since Christmas I had to watch my facial expression. She looked frail and tinier than usual, but she was just as feisty as ever.
"Sweetheart, do you eat? You're thinner than I am!" she grabbed my collar bone and pinched it, which was painful, but she was right. I had been exercising more and more and eating less and less, as a result of the stress my career was giving me and the fact that I was about to graduate high school. The car ride to St. Joseph's hospital was fairly silent with Grandma Elena asking Gerard or I questions about our lives every fifteen minutes or so. We pulled into a parking space and walked into the Breast Center. "Dears you don't have to come in and watch. It's all so boring. Sit here. Brianna go eat a sandwich", she said "and Gerard you watch over her like a gentleman." She kissed us each on the head, thanked us for coming with her and walked off with a good looking male nurse who she immediately began hitting on in that adorable way only elderly women can pull off.
When Grandma Elena left, an awkward air settled over Gee and I, so Gerard offered to walk with me to the cafeteria. "She'll be in there a while, come on, I'll buy your 'second' lunch. I owe you." he said chuckling lightly.
Was he sober? He drove all the way over there without any issue, and he wasn't slurring or wobbling. Not to say he was blacking out all over the place, but he was just always buzzed.
"Oh, thanks." I missed the sober Gerard. He was sweet, and awkward and quiet. Borderline attractive, except he was still pudgy and needed a shower and haircut. There was also that Eliza girl from stage makeup class. He would be attracted to her. I didn't like her, but wasn't sure why. As if he and I were ever going to be together. For some reason that thought pissed me off. Thinking of Eliza pissed me off. Great, I pissed myself off.
"What kind of sandwich would you like."
"Ask Eliza." I spat under my breath
"Uhm, what?"
Really? I mean seriously. Wonderful, I thought to myself, good job. Honestly, it was really immature of me and I had no idea why I was acting like such a dumb ass. "Sorry, uh egg salad sounds just fine thanks." I forced a smile as I watched him grab a veggie burger and soup for himself, and an egg salad sandwich for me. "Thanks for this, you didn't have to."
"Neither did you." he said quietly, smiling as he and I remembered the moment we began our odd friendship, he hid behind his hair. It was a habit I hadn't seen in a very long time. It made me want to brush it away, but then I realized how dirty it was, and there was Frank. What did Frank and I have? I knew that whatever it was made me feel guilty deep down inside for the sudden pang I felt for Gerard.
"Wanna sit in a booth?" trying to shake the thoughts from my mind I gestured to a booth in the window. "It's nice outside." Glancing at the clock I saw it was about four thirty and the spring time sun was still very much in the sky. It made me think of Frank and how we hadn't looked at a sunset in a long time, made me think of how Adam would never seen another sunset again.
"Are you going to sit?" Gerard asked me "I guess it's okay for you to stand and eat, but that might get difficult." I breathed a half assed laugh and sat. We were silent for a few minutes until I almost fell out of my skin. "How was Frank that night?" it took my everything not to spit my food all over Gerard.
"What?" I asked, having a manic panic attack.
"After the funeral?" he asked glancing up as he put a spoonful of soup in his mouth, but then thought better of it as his lip was burned. He blew on the spoon, "Was he okay? Tried asking him in the car, but he didn't want to talk about anything."
A sigh of relief gushed out of my body, Frank hadn't told Gerard. Something in my gut knew that was a smart move. "Oh, he was a total mess, but he is coping as I'm sure you've seen."
Gerard just nodded, finally deciding to retry the soup. "Good soup. Want some?" he held out his spoon. The notion took me aback. Offering to share a utensil is a rather intimate gesture. At least to me. Am I crazy? "It's vegetable. You eat vegetables?" Gerard had to be sober. His sentences were clipped and he didn't say more words than he needed to get the point across, but it wasn't the vegetables that turned me off. In the end I didn't want to completely offend him.
"Sure, let me grab a spoon." I said as I walked off to get my own spoon. They were out, and I'd already committed to trying the soup. "They're out." I shrugged with a nervous laugh, sitting back down.
He put some soup on the spoon and blew on it before holding it out for me. "It's hot." I leaned forward, and let him feed me the soup. I heard an older couple coo over the action, and I wanted to disappear into my seat. My face felt hot and my stomach flipped. Gerard laughed, "Your chin."
"What?"
He gestured to my chin, "I think you need a napkin."
Grabbing a napkin I wiped my face. The soup was actually quite good, but I was sticking with my egg salad. We made small talk for a while and then Gerard moved his hair out of his eyes and looked at me like he had something important to say. I only raised an eyebrow, waiting. "Are you going to prom?"
I wasn't going to miss prom for the world, "Oh yes." I said excitedly. "I can't WAIT." I had bought my dress back in February from a tiny boutique in L.A. where everything was one of a kind. Being a celebrity had its perks.
Gerard began the sniffing thing as he fidgeted with his hair and tweaked his nose. Why did prom make him so nervous? "Do you, uhm, have a date?" That was when I realized what was happening.
---
"Do you want to go to prom with me?"
I pulled back from our embrace, "What?"
"Prom. Dancy dancy, dressy dressy, food and tuxedos? The garish display of skin that is meant to be our final hurrah before we graduate and go into the 'adult world'. Would you, Brianna Lucrezia Magnoli, like to go with me, Frank Anthony Iero, to prom?"
I almost fell out of his lap I was so giddy with excitement. "Oh GAWD YES YES YES YES!" I hugged him and kissed him all over his cheeks.
---
"Bri? Did you hear me?"
Snapping out of my memory I shook my head, "No, no I didn't. Sorry what did you say?"
Sighing he started gathering our trash, "Never mind."
"No no, tell me."
He seemed reluctant, "Uhm, I was, uh, thinking of asking Eliza to prom. Yeah..." he quietly allowed his sentence to drop off. I didn't fully believe him, but my stomach dropped. I had no idea why but his statement hurt me. No, no. Not hurt. Made me jealous. I was jealous of the little pixie rat from stage make-up. It made no sense. I had Frankie. Yeah. I had Frankie. Right?
~
My Publicist:
"Have you seen the most recent photos of you in the magazines? Who approved that dress? It was NOT me."
"What was wrong with that dress?"
"Everything, it made you look fat."
"Oh..."
"And that isn't all the dress's fault, Hon. Have you been eating again?" she smacked on her gum
"Yes, I need to eat to stay alive."
"Nonsense, do you think Kate Moss eats? You're getting fat. Nobody likes a fat actress."
---
My Agent:
"You got that part by the skin of your teeth."
"Julius, I got the part what do you care?"
"It's because they like your previous work, not that horrid audition."
"I did my best."
"Your best sucks, Kid. Do better. Hollywood waits for no one. Find your inner fire or whatever you want to call it and do it quick before you're just some child star who nobody remembers."
"You're supposed to be on my side."
"Please, everyone is on their own side in this business. You know this."
"Well I'm paying you to be on my side."
"No, you're paying me to keep you famous. YOU owe ME. Not the other way around. Don't you forget that."
"Well I got the part, that is all that matters."
"This movie better be a blockbuster, Kid."
He hung up.
---
My Therapist:
"You're problems seem a bit superficial." she judged
---
My Mother:
"I never encouraged this in the first place."
"What?"
"This acting business. Said from the very beginning it was bad. Don't do it, I said, but did you listen?"
"Ma, you never said that."
She only tutted
---------------
You all get it. I don't have to explain how shitty people in Hollywood are. I don't have to explain how much it sucks to be shredded and torn down but still decided to stay because it's what you love to do. As high school went on I had a few one episode stints on television shows, a few mini-series, and I had put out a CD the summer before my senior year to raise money for AIDS Research. It did rather well.
---------------
"Oh my CHRIST! We go back to school tomorrow! I can't fix this!" Frantically, I looked through everything as my throat tightened. I'd spent all of my Senior Spring Break working on the parts he was supposed to have been doing over the months prior to that moment instead of going down to the Jersey Shore like all my other friends did. "Gerard, what happened to our English project?" My weight was going down due to stress and a new personal nazi trainer, so my bra strap kept falling down off my shoulder. I pushed it back up. He seemed a bit hyper focused on the action. My final moments of freedom before I graduated and began work on another movie, were now pointless. He ruined them. Just like he ruined everything else. Sighing I waited for him to answer. When he didn't respond I lost my cool and threw the ruined project at his face. Wanting to cry, I stood there, hating him, in the middle of his basement bedroom while he lay on his bed, seemingly oblivious to the world. "Gerard, don't you CARE!" I screamed, my eyes stinging. He didn't understand. He couldn't understand how hard I worked to fit in and be normal while having everyone tell me how stupid or ugly or imperfect I was.
"I always care." he rasped.
"No you don't! I hate you!" I didn't really. In response Gerard only squeezed his eyes shut as if I had deeply hurt him. Giving up, I grabbed my pocket book from where it was next to his bed and turned to leave when I felt something grab my arm and hold tight. Whirling around I glared at him, "What? Get OFF." when I yanked my arm away and tried once again to leave he jumped up and almost fell on the floor.
"I always care. It's because I care." What? He was making absolutely no sense. Infuriated I didn't turn around, I was out of his room and nearing the stairs. There was a slight thump behind me but I refused to look back. Tears were forming in my eyes, but I was holding them back. He was wrong. "You don't see what is going on around you." he spit at me. "You're so fucking blind to the pain of others. LOOK AT ME!" Jumping, I dropped my purse and it spilled everywhere. My eye shadow shattered, creating a dark brown stain on the carpet. It was my favorite one. Without another word I began to weep. "My Grandmother has Breast Cancer, Bri. She could die. I don't know what to do, so I drink because it means that I can put off trying to figure it out." I looked up and saw him leaning on his door frame for support. His eyes glassy with tears. What does anyone say to something like that?
Weakly, I spoke up "Gerard you don't get it -"
"There you go again. Honey, this mirror ain't big enough for the both of us. Nothing you're going through could be as bad as this." He said calmly.
"You can't compare two separate problems from two separate people." I felt terrible about his Grandmother. I really did, I loved her like my own. His face suddenly paled and without a word he wobbled and allowed himself to sink to the floor. Taking a deep breath I got myself under control and walked over to him. His mother and Mikey were visiting family in New York and weren't due back until later that night, so I couldn't just leave him there. Gerard was still breathing, muttering something to himself. His sleeve had moved up when he fell. I noticed red welts all along the underside of his wrist, and scars that appeared to have been healed and reopened many times. "Oh my god. Gerard, honey, no." I breathed, touching his cuts, just before I realized he was muttering that he didn't feel well. I had barely started moving out of the way when he threw up on my feet.
After being sick, Gerard passed out cold, causing me to curse under my breath. I couldn't leave him there and I had no idea what combination of things he consumed so I figured letting him stay asleep was not a good idea. "Hey." I said as I poked him. "Wake up." he stirred and opened his eyes before closing them again. "Jesus Christ, Gee." I looked around and saw a text book thrown in the corner of his room, so I picked it up and slammed it down on the floor next to his face.
About forty minutes later I had him upstairs, teeth brushed and sitting on the couch with water. I felt stupid for crying before, and while I was still angry with him, I was completely blindsided by Grandma Elena's illness and didn't know what to say. "Would you like more water?" he nodded and handed me his glass. I tried desperately not to stare at his wrist. It was difficult to know if he had heard me or if he was really out. Walking back from the kitchen I said, "It's nice out." the weather was disgustingly humid, but he hadn't been outside and wouldn't know the difference.
"Is it?" he curled up on himself
"Want to watch tv?"
"Sure."
"Gerard?"
"Don't."
So I didn't.
When his mother came home he and I were fast asleep on the couch and I woke up to Mikey staring at me, with his nose mere centimeters from mine. Shooting three feet out of my skin, I smacked my head on his causing us to both yelp and wake up Gerard. When he saw his family there he gave me a pleading look.
With a puzzled look at her eldest son, Mrs. Way turned to me, "How did your English project go? Did you finish?" she asked suspiciously
"Oh yes, it came out wonderfully." I lied, rubbing my forehead.
"Oh good. May I see it?"
"Oh, uhm, I brought it home already."
"And you came back?" she eyed me questioningly
"Well I, uh,-" I couldn't come up with a lie.
"I didn't feel well and she felt bad leaving me by myself." Gerard spoke up, distracting his mother who immediately went into Manic Mother Mode and began fussing over his temperature and complexion. It allowed me the excuse I needed to leave.
"Well, uhm, bye, then." I ran out before anyone had a chance to stop me. I spent the whole night trying to save our project. We pulled a low B.
----------------
It was a Wednesday afternoon in early May. The first non-humid day all season, and I was taking full advantage by laying out after school trying to get tan for prom. My mother had gotten me a Walk Man and I was testing it out, but the head phones wouldn't work, so I took them off and just listened to the sounds around me. Mr. and Mrs. Across the Street were mowing their lawns, some kids down the road were reenacting the scene where Luke Skywalker found out that Darth Vader was his father. When I suddenly heard the little girl next door arguing with someone.
"Do to!" Emilia said
"Do not!"
"SHE DOES!"
"NU UHHH!"
"YES GO LOOK!"
"FINE I WILL!"
Opening my eyes I realized the sound was getting closer and closer until Emilia and a little girl who looked just like her walked into my front yard. Sitting up on my elbows I smiled and waved, "Hey Emilia!"
Emilia took in the look of shock on her friend's face with relish. "I told you, you dork. I live next to her, and she knows my name." then she turned to me, "This is my cousin Patricia. She didn't think I lived next to you and could get you to give her an autograph." I laughed at them and extended a hand to the Doubting Cousin. I thought she was going to die of the dithers when she touched my hand.
"Do you want an autograph?" The girl couldn't have been older than seven or eight. She simply nodded, dumb struck. So I signed the napkin Emilia brought over and handed it to Patricia. "Here you go, Kiddo. Be good now." and they left.
I must have been asleep for about an hour because I was getting some good color when I heard a blood curdling scream come from Frankie's house. It was not an uncommon sound, because Frank liked to play pranks on his mother all the time, but this scream was different. It was anguish, not fear. I grabbed my cover up and put it on as I sat up, but nothing else came from the house so I dismissed it and began to pick up my things. Everyone went back to what they were doing. Moments later there was a massive slam and I turned to see a blur sprint out of Frank's house. That was not good. Frank never ran. Ever. He had severe asthma, so without a second thought I took off after him, the bottoms of my feet becoming ravaged by the uneven pavement on the sidewalk. "Frank!" I shouted. He said nothing. Didn't even acknowledge me. He only kept running, so I kept running. After a few seconds I knew he couldn't go for much longer, I knew he'd have to stop. He got to the end of the block before collapsing into a fit of wheezing. Fearing an asthma attack I grabbed him and turned him to face me. What I saw was not what I was expecting. His face was red and splotchy, but not from lack of breath, from what looked like tears, but his face was dry. Without warning he grabbed me and cried silently. I had no idea what was happening, and people were staring at us. I was mortified by this sudden public display of emotion, but I hugged him back anyway and flicked off Richard who was sitting on his front porch smirking at us.
"Don't leave me, Bri. Don't you ever EVER leave me."
I was confused, "Not even if you push me away, Frankie."
"We-" he stopped as a massive coughing fit wracked his body
"Frank, what? What is wrong with you?"
"The bathroom floor."
"What about it?"
Out of nowhere he shoved me away and tried to run again, but couldn't breathe, and stopped.
I chased after him and tried to help him stand "Frank I don't know how to help you, what happened?" he ignored me and started coughing again. "Where's your inhaler, you're scaring me." he reached into his pocket, but it wasn't there. "Okay come on, let's go home and get it."
"NO!" he screamed, afraid
"I don't understand, Frank you're going to have an asthma attack we have to get your rescue inhaler." he managed to dislodge himself from under my arm and he took off, coughing and wheezing.
I knew he wouldn't want to be followed and if I tried he'd probably do something stupid like hold his breath, but I knew right away based on his direction that he was going to the park, so I raced home and changed before high tailing it down to the park.
---
That Saturday the sun was beating down with a vengeance, and my black dress was sticking to my legs, making them itch through my panty hose. Everyone stood silent. There was no noise with the exception of a sniffle here and there. I was holding Frank's hand, or more, he was crushing mine. He made no noise, had no facial expression, but the broken bones in my fingers spoke otherwise. Finally, Father Leviticus walked up to the grave and took a moment to look sadly down upon the coffin that lay there.
"I never enjoy burying anyone, least of all a child. Perhaps what is the most tragic thing in the world is to be surrounded by people who love you and yet still you feel isolated as if nobody cared. But I've said my piece, and Frank Anthony gave a wonderful Eulogy. Now the time is for you to have your moment to toss a flower or patch of dirt or perhaps to be with your own private thoughts." he stepped down and went to comfort Mrs. Iero who had begun sobbing.
The suicide notes read as follows:
Mom, It's not your fault. I deserve this after the shit I put you through. (shit was crossed out and replaced with the word things) Life wasn't worth it. It was too much effort to do this to myself and you every day. I love you. I'm sorry.
Frankie the Kid. If you give up I'll come back and kill you myself. I love you man. I'm sorry.
Frank was on my right, and showed no signs of letting my hand go any time soon, and Gerard was on my left. He had on sunglasses and was chewing some gum rather harshly. People began to form a line in front of the grave. Quietly, Gerard let out a warbled whistle. "I'm real sorry Frank. You know we can't let this be his final farewell right?" Without speaking Frank looked up. "Yeah man, we gotta party."
Frank glared at Gerard, "The fuck, Gee. You crazy? My brother just fucking slit his wrists into the fuckin' next decade and you wanna throw a party?"
"Yeah, when the funeral ends we throw a party. We all get together when we bury our friends anyway. Show em that you're not next. That they'll never take you alive. Show everyone that you're not going to walk around drowning in fear and self loathing." Frank started at Gerard, but I yanked him back.
"Stop. Both of you. Gerard you should be ashamed, and Frank don't disgrace your brother by fighting over his grave. Plus what would it do to your mother?" So we all stood silently, watching people toss dirt on the grave, or whispering a final goodbye to Adam, a young man whose life never really started and therefore should not have ended.
"We need to celebrate Adam. He had a shitty life. He shouldn't have a shitty death." Gerard was drunk and being highly insensitive, but he was also entirely right. After that he was silent again, and nobody spoke even when the line dwindled down to the last person.
"Frank, sweetheart, time to go in now. Come on, let's go eat." Mamma Iero tried to pry her son away from me and Gerard, but he wasn't having it.
"I wanna stay. At least until they cover him up."
With fresh tears beginning to form she gently touched her now only son's shoulder and nodded, biting her lip as the tears finally broke free and fell down her porcelain cheeks. "Okay, honey, you stay with him." and then she allowed herself to be led away by Father.
Nothing on God's Green Earth could have prepared me for what happened next. Once the final person was inside and out of earshot, and the grave was covered, Frank completely broke down. Sobs wracked his entire body. It was horrifying, and I didn't know what to do. He began collapsing and had I not grabbed him we both would have fallen. He cried in a way that was obviously making up for all the tears he hadn't shed up until that point. Gerard was looking at the ground, and I couldn't see his eyes behind his glasses. I struggled to hold Frankie up. "He said he'd never leave me, Bri, and he left me. He fucking left me all alone!"
Immediately, I was sent back to one of my darkest moments.
One weekend when I was nine I was standing by the front door waiting for my dad to come pick me up. It was my weekend with him, and he was an hour late. Soon an hour turned into half the day, and the day eventually turned into night. I called him and called him and finally my mother told me that he wasn't coming. I never saw my dad again. Trying to wrap her arms around me, my Mother was giving excuse after excuse as to why adults sometimes make bad decisions and hurt people they don't mean to hurt. I pushed and kicked her away and ran to Frank's where I sat at his kitchen table until two in the morning crying my eyes out. Nobody said anything the entire time I was there. Mamma Iero made me cookies and hot tea, then she offered to wash my jacket for me. It was covered in snot from me wiping my nose on it. Taking it, she walked out of the room. As I looked up to watch her go I saw Adam's lanky teen figure leaning on the door frame. Silently shaking his head, Adam walked over to me and placed his hand on my head, ruffling my hair. "We'll never leave you, kid."
Wiping my swollen eyes I looked at him and then I looked at Frankie. "You guys promise that you'll never leave me?"
Looking me straight in the face Frank said, "Not even if you push us away."
That was the only thing Adam ever said to me.
I hugged a broken Frank. "Sweetheart, you're not alone. You have us. You have me, and I love you. I'm not going anywhere" Squeezing Frank's sobbing body I tried to keep myself from falling apart. I gritted my teeth to hold in the tears until my soul ached and I couldn't do it anymore. I collapsed under his weight and I held him like I'd never held anything before in my life, and as he sobbed I desperately tried not to betray myself. As I looked up, through my blurry tear stained vision I saw Gerard kick some rocks and walk away with hunched shoulders.
Frank mumbled something, "What?"
"Did you get what you deserved?"
"Frank what are you talking about?"
He pulled away and stood over the fresh mound of soil, "Is this was you deserved? Is this what you always wanted?!" he fell on his hands and knees and then after a moment curled up in fetal position in front of the head stone.
"Oh Frank, come on. Don't do this."
That night Gerard swiped some booze and got myself, Frank, Mikey, Matt, Ray and this girl Eliza who did stage make-up all together and we snuck into the graveyard. After profuse amounts of alcohol were consumed the cops finally found us blindly drunk by the mausoleum door, and sent us home.
My mother, though she disliked Frank, had nothing against his mother and had offered to stay with her, so Frank and I sat in his room on the bed staring into the darkness.
"This is the worst I've ever felt in my entire life, Bri." I didn't know what to say. "Why did he leave?" Adam was obviously in pain, but I didn't want to tell Frank that. He'd only feel responsible. "What am I going to do?"
I don't know what possessed me to do what I did next, but I leaned over and kissed him. It was the only way I knew how to force some sort of comfort on him. He kissed me back. It was a desperate, needful kiss. Neither of us pulled back, and I deepened the kiss finding that I was enjoying the physical contact. His lips were soft, and the inside of his mouth was warm and tasted sweet like gin. He reached up and cupped my cheek and I placed my hand on his chest right over his heart. It was pounding. He gently laid me down on the bed and broke the kiss long enough for us to breathe. "This okay?" he asked, fixing my bra strap which had once again fallen down. I pulled him back down by his tie, renewing the kiss with a passion I didn't know I had within me.
---------------
I rolled over and whimpered when the sun hit my eyes. I was slightly hung over, and had no desire to get up. My elbow bumped into something warm and hard, that was followed by a deep groan. It was then I remembered what I'd done the night before.
"Oops, sorry, Frank." what do you do the morning after? I was only freshly devirginized and had no clue.
"It's fine, how do you feel?"
I wriggled about, I was slightly sore but otherwise fine. "Pretty good actually."
"Good, now go back to sleep it's too early to get up." he must have noticed the look on my face "The door is locked don't worry." So I snuggled up against my best friend and fell asleep.
When I woke up and reached out for Frank I found that I was alone in the bed. "Frankie?"
"Here."
Sitting up I followed his voice and saw that he was sitting in just a pair of boxer shorts at his desk with his head hanging in his hands. Over the past few months his asthma had gotten worse and his doctors had to put him on steroids, causing him to put on some weight. But it didn't matter to me. He was still Frankie.
Sliding off the bed I wrapped the sheet around myself and walked over, placing a cold hand on his scorching skin. "What's wrong?" he said nothing he only handed me a yellow envelope. Puzzled, I opened it. It contained three thousand dollars and a photo of Adam holding Frank at his Christening. I realized it was the envelope Adam gave Frank on Thanksgiving two years ago. On the back of the photo it said: Use it wisely, Kid. "What are you going to do with it?"
"Use it wisely." he said taking it back from me, returning it to the envelope, and placing it in a drawer which he then locked.
I kissed the top of his head and hugged him, pressing my cool cheek to his hot one. "There was nothing you could have done to save him, Frank."
"Then why does it hurt so much?" he asked looking up at me with the eyes of an abandoned child.
Letting out a breath I sat in his lap and pulled his head to my chest, "Because you have a heart, and it just broke."
---------------
"I bought you something." my mother said walking into my room and handing me a box. I opened it slowly, curiously, not having done anything to deserve a gift.
It was a camera. A real camera. "Oh my God, Ma. Wow."
"You've had a rough few years, and I know how much you love that Polaroid but hate how you can't adjust anything on it, so this is a cheap camera, but it's adjustable." I hugged her and cried. She got it. She got me. Finally.
--------------
Monday morning I could hardly wait to show Frankie what my mother had gotten me, so I ran over to his house and his mother directed me upstairs to the bathroom.
"Frank! Look what I got!" I said pulling my camera out as he walked out of his pitch black bathroom.
"I'm out of fucking hair gel." he said as I snapped the photo. When I would later have it developed I would see that the street lamp coming through the window and his shower doors were reflected a million times behind him in the mirror. It was the same bathroom Adam killed himself in.
"Christ, woman. I'm blind now. Thank you for that. And I'm out of hair gel."
"I know. You're welcome, now let's get to the bus stop before we miss it."
"Oh, I'm not riding the bus, Gerard got a car, I have a while."
"He did?"
"Yeah he's been saving up over the years, got it for seven hundred bucks."
In a later interview Gerard would talk about his baby affectionately, “It looked like an X-Wing and it came in just one color, which was 'metal' colored. It was awesome, though. I spent $700 on it, and I know people now who have rims that cost more than that. I had friends that all bought new cars and they were always breaking down on them. But mine lasted. Only thing was it couldn't really go up hills.”
"Saving up with what? He's always been too drunk to hold a job."
Frank gave me a droll look, "Don't be a bitch. He sells his artwork." I'd known him for three years, and had a secret fascination with the weirdness that was Gerard and yet I never knew that he sold his art. Like, for instance, I knew he carried a recessive gene that caused his pinky to extend further out than the rest of his fingers, and how when he got nervous he sniffed a lot, even if his nose wasn't running, but I had no idea he was good enough to sell his paintings.
"Well, can I come?"
"No way."
"Why not?"
"How can I brag about losing my virginity with you in the car?"
"Oh my God! Don't Frank." I lightly shoved his shoulder
He only laughed and brushed me aside playfully shaking his head "You can't tell me you won't be telling someone."
"No," I paused to cross my arms, "actually, I won't be telling anyone." I huffed. Let him put that in his pipe and smoke it.
"Ouch was it that bad?" he seemed hurt
"The complete opposite." I laughed "It's something I'd do again."
"Really?"
"Oh yes. Now kiss me, you animal."
All day I think our friends knew something was up, but couldn't place their fingers on it.
---
Later that day I came home and after doing my homework I went up to my room to change into some running clothes. I was preoccupied all day and didn't know what to do with myself. Going over to close my blinds, I noticed something taped to my window. It was a cassette. Intrigued, I opened the window and took it down. On the front, a label with only the number 1 was sitting right in the middle of the black plastic. I went to my boom box and placed the tape inside. After a few scratchy seconds the tape began. It was R.E.M.'s Unplugged 1991 Version of Losing My Religion.
Oh life, it's bigger
It's bigger than you
And you are not me
The lengths that I will go to
The distance in your eyes
Oh no, I've said too much
I set it up
That's me in the corner
That's me in the spotlight
Losing my religion
Trying to keep a view
And I don't know if I can do it
Oh no, I've said too much
I haven't said enough
I thought that I heard you laughing
I thought that I heard you sing
I think I thought I saw you try
Every whisper
Of every waking hour
I'm choosing my confessions
Trying to keep an eye on you
Like a hurt, lost and blinded fool, fool
Oh no, I've said too much
I set it up
Consider this
Consider this, the hint of the century
Consider this, the slip
That brought me to my knees, failed
What if all these fantasies come
Flailing aground
Now I've said too much
I thought that I heard you laughing
I thought that I heard you sing
I think I thought I saw you try
But that was just a dream
That was just a dream
That's me in the corner
That's me in the spotlight
Losing my religion
Trying to keep a view
And I don't know if I can do it
Oh no, I've said too much
I haven't said enough
I thought that I heard you laughing
I thought that I heard you sing
I think I thought I saw you try
But that was just a dream
Try, cry, why try
That was just a dream
Just a dream
Just a dream, dream
------------------
Around three thirty the next day I was laying in bed listening to the tape, trying to figure out where it came from as I tied my running sneakers. It couldn't have been Frank. The only time he listened to mellow tunes was when he listened Blind Melon and I didn't know of anyone else who would send me something like that, so I had just chocked it all up to some random dude that was probably a creep who put tapes on people's windows, when my phone rang.
"Hotel California, how may I direct your call?" the voice on the other end surprised me, "Gerard?"
"I need a favor."
I became instantly nervous. He and I were still kinda weird since that fight when I saw the cuts on his arms. "Uhm, what's up?"
"I have to take my Grandmother to her chemo session and hospitals creep me out and I would ask Frank but he is afraid of hospitals too and I don't know who else to ask and I don't want to go alone and you don't have to if you don't want. You know what this was a dumb idea never mind I'll just go by myself I'm really sorry for bugging you. Bye."
He sounded like a little kid. I caught him just before he hung up the phone. "Gerard wait. I'll go with you."
"You don't have to."
"I know, it's fine. I'll go."
He let out a sigh of relief, "Thank you. I'll be there in a few minutes."
"I'll run over, give me thirty seconds."
When I got there and saw Elena for the first time since Christmas I had to watch my facial expression. She looked frail and tinier than usual, but she was just as feisty as ever.
"Sweetheart, do you eat? You're thinner than I am!" she grabbed my collar bone and pinched it, which was painful, but she was right. I had been exercising more and more and eating less and less, as a result of the stress my career was giving me and the fact that I was about to graduate high school. The car ride to St. Joseph's hospital was fairly silent with Grandma Elena asking Gerard or I questions about our lives every fifteen minutes or so. We pulled into a parking space and walked into the Breast Center. "Dears you don't have to come in and watch. It's all so boring. Sit here. Brianna go eat a sandwich", she said "and Gerard you watch over her like a gentleman." She kissed us each on the head, thanked us for coming with her and walked off with a good looking male nurse who she immediately began hitting on in that adorable way only elderly women can pull off.
When Grandma Elena left, an awkward air settled over Gee and I, so Gerard offered to walk with me to the cafeteria. "She'll be in there a while, come on, I'll buy your 'second' lunch. I owe you." he said chuckling lightly.
Was he sober? He drove all the way over there without any issue, and he wasn't slurring or wobbling. Not to say he was blacking out all over the place, but he was just always buzzed.
"Oh, thanks." I missed the sober Gerard. He was sweet, and awkward and quiet. Borderline attractive, except he was still pudgy and needed a shower and haircut. There was also that Eliza girl from stage makeup class. He would be attracted to her. I didn't like her, but wasn't sure why. As if he and I were ever going to be together. For some reason that thought pissed me off. Thinking of Eliza pissed me off. Great, I pissed myself off.
"What kind of sandwich would you like."
"Ask Eliza." I spat under my breath
"Uhm, what?"
Really? I mean seriously. Wonderful, I thought to myself, good job. Honestly, it was really immature of me and I had no idea why I was acting like such a dumb ass. "Sorry, uh egg salad sounds just fine thanks." I forced a smile as I watched him grab a veggie burger and soup for himself, and an egg salad sandwich for me. "Thanks for this, you didn't have to."
"Neither did you." he said quietly, smiling as he and I remembered the moment we began our odd friendship, he hid behind his hair. It was a habit I hadn't seen in a very long time. It made me want to brush it away, but then I realized how dirty it was, and there was Frank. What did Frank and I have? I knew that whatever it was made me feel guilty deep down inside for the sudden pang I felt for Gerard.
"Wanna sit in a booth?" trying to shake the thoughts from my mind I gestured to a booth in the window. "It's nice outside." Glancing at the clock I saw it was about four thirty and the spring time sun was still very much in the sky. It made me think of Frank and how we hadn't looked at a sunset in a long time, made me think of how Adam would never seen another sunset again.
"Are you going to sit?" Gerard asked me "I guess it's okay for you to stand and eat, but that might get difficult." I breathed a half assed laugh and sat. We were silent for a few minutes until I almost fell out of my skin. "How was Frank that night?" it took my everything not to spit my food all over Gerard.
"What?" I asked, having a manic panic attack.
"After the funeral?" he asked glancing up as he put a spoonful of soup in his mouth, but then thought better of it as his lip was burned. He blew on the spoon, "Was he okay? Tried asking him in the car, but he didn't want to talk about anything."
A sigh of relief gushed out of my body, Frank hadn't told Gerard. Something in my gut knew that was a smart move. "Oh, he was a total mess, but he is coping as I'm sure you've seen."
Gerard just nodded, finally deciding to retry the soup. "Good soup. Want some?" he held out his spoon. The notion took me aback. Offering to share a utensil is a rather intimate gesture. At least to me. Am I crazy? "It's vegetable. You eat vegetables?" Gerard had to be sober. His sentences were clipped and he didn't say more words than he needed to get the point across, but it wasn't the vegetables that turned me off. In the end I didn't want to completely offend him.
"Sure, let me grab a spoon." I said as I walked off to get my own spoon. They were out, and I'd already committed to trying the soup. "They're out." I shrugged with a nervous laugh, sitting back down.
He put some soup on the spoon and blew on it before holding it out for me. "It's hot." I leaned forward, and let him feed me the soup. I heard an older couple coo over the action, and I wanted to disappear into my seat. My face felt hot and my stomach flipped. Gerard laughed, "Your chin."
"What?"
He gestured to my chin, "I think you need a napkin."
Grabbing a napkin I wiped my face. The soup was actually quite good, but I was sticking with my egg salad. We made small talk for a while and then Gerard moved his hair out of his eyes and looked at me like he had something important to say. I only raised an eyebrow, waiting. "Are you going to prom?"
I wasn't going to miss prom for the world, "Oh yes." I said excitedly. "I can't WAIT." I had bought my dress back in February from a tiny boutique in L.A. where everything was one of a kind. Being a celebrity had its perks.
Gerard began the sniffing thing as he fidgeted with his hair and tweaked his nose. Why did prom make him so nervous? "Do you, uhm, have a date?" That was when I realized what was happening.
---
"Do you want to go to prom with me?"
I pulled back from our embrace, "What?"
"Prom. Dancy dancy, dressy dressy, food and tuxedos? The garish display of skin that is meant to be our final hurrah before we graduate and go into the 'adult world'. Would you, Brianna Lucrezia Magnoli, like to go with me, Frank Anthony Iero, to prom?"
I almost fell out of his lap I was so giddy with excitement. "Oh GAWD YES YES YES YES!" I hugged him and kissed him all over his cheeks.
---
"Bri? Did you hear me?"
Snapping out of my memory I shook my head, "No, no I didn't. Sorry what did you say?"
Sighing he started gathering our trash, "Never mind."
"No no, tell me."
He seemed reluctant, "Uhm, I was, uh, thinking of asking Eliza to prom. Yeah..." he quietly allowed his sentence to drop off. I didn't fully believe him, but my stomach dropped. I had no idea why but his statement hurt me. No, no. Not hurt. Made me jealous. I was jealous of the little pixie rat from stage make-up. It made no sense. I had Frankie. Yeah. I had Frankie. Right?
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