FicWad

Don’t ask for guarantees. And don’t look to be saved in any one thing, person, machine, or library. Do your own bit of saving, and if you drown, at least die knowing you were heading for shore.
— Ray Bradbury, Fahrenheit 451
I have been reading on this site for quite a while and though I love fan fiction I havent been moved or modivated to post anything. (truth is I dont think I am very good at writing and prefer to read all your wonderful stories) but this is going to be my first and (maybe) only post! I've been reading a few of these from other people and decided after 5-6 years of just reading its time to write something so here goes nothing... this is NOT for attention but merely to prove a point!

Let me start off by saying MCR DID NOT single handedly save my life!!! They didnt materialize in front of me and stop me from doing drugs, drinking, partying, and my self hatred.Yet their music always seemed to reach me with just the right song whenever i needed it and they did however do is give me the strength to get through things on my own. They showed me through kick ass music and amazing lyrics that I wasnt alone in the fucked up world. You know what im still a work in progress and I can admit that!!! I dont ask for sympathy from anyone (but this will emphaisize my point) My mother has been sick all my life and when I turned nine she got diagnosed with cancer and is still struggling with it to this day (i am now 20) I started smoking and drinking and doing drugs around the age of 15 and was diagnosed with severe deppression and anxiety at age 18. So beleive me when I say this I know what its like to hurt and to not like yourself at all.So how has MCR helped with this? Well lets start at the beginning form the first time I heard them. I was so young when I first heard them, I was about 12. At first I listened to them in secret because back when I was 12 which was 2004 you got beat up if they thought you were EMO! Now that I look back I wish I woulndt have been so scared and to show those pricks that they were my favorite band. (I was young) Being 20 now that i am no longer a teen I can look back and say that there are things I wish I wouldnt have done. I am old enough now to realise that if I changed certain things I would not be who I am today (MCR showed me that too). So how I found MCR.. WELL the very first song I ever heard was Helena (it was on MTV can u beleive they actually used to show videos back then) and I was so hooked I thought they were poetic!(LOL) Back then when I was 12 I didnt really use the computer, I sort of played with my siblings and went outside( the complete opposite of now) 12 year olds didnt really use the computer all to often at least no one I knew did! I couldnt really look them up but I would try and google them on the school computer but as the year progressed my parents moved the computer next to my room so i would go on and watch videos of them (at this point I had no idea what the band was or what emo is =I still dont really know what it truely is) At school I would always here about them but everyone would be like oh ewww MCR sucks they are way to EMO for me (you have to remember at this time Fall Out Boy was huge!! ) every guy at my school wanted to be Pete Wentz (ughh for real I never saw his appeal) and basically i had just moved cross country from New York to Utah (yeah home of The Used I know) and I had no friends or family support. I would go home and sit around watching tv and getting fat(Er)and trying to sneak on the computer.
So I found myself searching for music :). 2005 rolls around and I get an ipod (that was big for me because they were soo damn expensive at the time) and of course since I had no friends I could listen to music and not be disturbed (i moslty hung out with kids who would be in there own world reading Manga or Larping) it went on like this for a while and then my parents anounced we were moving agian (at the time I had wish back to new york so I could end my suffering haha) to a new town in Utah and a chance for my to make friends. This also gave my mom a chance to get better and to be closer to the doctors. Amazingly enough the first week I was there I had made 2 new friends and had just started highschool aka 9th grade about the second week of school is when THE BLACK PARADE came out I fell in love!!! I didnt care if people liked it or said I saw a freak or any of that stuff. At my new school people actually liked MCR even though at the time I still wasnt friends with any of them (at this time I was way to damn shy to talk) I was happy to know that I wasnt alone in this(even though I can be a bit possesive about MCR sometimes lol) When I moved up to 10th grade is when life sort of got serious, my mom started getting really sick again being in and out of the hopsital and I was left totake care of my siblings while my dad worked and took care of my mom. I was 15- 16 my sophmore (10th grade) and my junior (11th grade) and I got called EMO a ton. (i wore dark panda like eye liner every single day and black skinny jeans and my black parade hoodie) I wore all black no matter what and I was sort of the person who was well known and even in 100 degree weather I could be seen in my black parade hoodie. (I even wore it to a parade the weather was 102 degrees that day). Suprisingly when I entered high school people actually took my fuck everyone attitude as inviting and I had a ton of friends but I still alays felt alone. I still have the hoodie to this day and it is well worn and everyone knows me just by seeing the jacket ( there are pretty much no pockets left because it got stuck on a fence when I had to jump to not get hit by a semi- truck) I even got my friends to listen and some actually enjoyed it although not as much as me. I think thats a good thing though becasue other fans like me get possesive even worse then I do sometimes and we tend to fight (if you arent a fighter talk to me I need more fanatic friends) SO ANYWAY (I am so getting off topic here) So when I was 16-19 I drank heavily and smoked a lot of cigarettes (I am quitting drinking and I quit smoking) because I was extremly deppressed (I was later put on meds for this) at the time I felt numb and I did anyhting to feel (such as cut myself and burn myself) I listened to music as an escape from my life. I did horrible in school becasue I told all of my friends it didnt matter because i would be dead before graduation. I failed every class I took and never went to class and no matter how fake this sounds I can prove it.. I later went and got my GED (I would mostly be at a friends getting drunk or high or smoking) this is sort of the time I turned to the internet and learned EVERYTHING I could about MCR (i also found Fan Fiction) When I first read fan fiction it was mostly just MCR, Fall Out Boy and i could melt into the story and forget the real world for hours (still can but I am an adult with limited time) (imostly only read MCR now) When I turned 18 I got heavily into drugs and partying (getting a high/rise anyway i could. My 19th year of life was hard I atempted suicide (at this time MCR came out with danger days) Danger Days came out right around this time (see they always come out with new stuff when I need them most) and in my mind I realised they are always around when I need them most even though they arent physically there its like their music gives you the ability to stand tall and not give a fuck what anyone says to you or about you!!!! Since then I quit drugs and smoking and am trying to quit drinking its really hard and I struggle but I got on the internet and watch old videos or interviews of MY CHEM back when GERARD WAY was high or drunk and realise that life sort of goes on and everything will be ok as long as im true to me! To this day I havent touched alchol or drugs or smokes or anything I havent even taken tylenol, I am making a change for the first time in 20years and that is to be nice to myself and love myself even if no one else will. I guess what the point of this was for all those trolls out there saying MCR doesnt save anyone your wrong!


AN: Well that was sort of a ramble but im a bit drunk at the moment and needed to clear my head of this so here you go ficwad pick apart my heart and gaze at my soul, GOODNIGHT!
Updated- wow i really need to not have computer access on days like these. So i read it for the first time today and decided to fix a few things!