Categories > Celebrities > Panic! At The Disco > What Diaries Reveal
Chapter 2
2/22
Dear Daisy!
We got steak and potatoes last night! We never get to have meat that good! It was so delicious! Brendon sat next to me. I like sitting next to Brendon. He always gives me the food he doesn’t like. I don’t think he eats meat though! He gave me his WHOLE steak! The whole thing! That’s a lot of meat!
And I had a nightmare last night. I didn’t like it. Men were all gathered around a camera and I was naked. They were all laughing and I couldn’t do anything. I… I didn’t like it. I wanted it to stop, but they all kept laughing. And then the one behind the camera started to yell at me. He started to hit me and kick me and I couldn’t do anything. There was blood everywhere. I wanted to wake up, but I couldn’t. It wouldn’t end. It scared me.
I told Sister Sunshine about it and she told me that I was starting to remember my life. But that didn’t happen to me! If that happened, I don’t know. I just don’t think my life could have been that bad! It wasn’t. She was just joking! I’m positive of it! Brendon yelled at me today.
It made me have daymares… I don’t like those. Those are scary. They’re always really bad. Like really bad. And I can’t forget them. They’re really scary. Enough about that, though. The meaner Brendon’s been, the worse the daymares. I’m starting to be scared of Brendon… He’s causing scary daymares! I don’t want them!
~Ryan~
Dear Journal,
The more time that stupid kid spends around me, the angrier I get, the more yelling I do. He should stay the fuck away from me before I snap for real. He won’t like when I snap. It won’t be good for him. He’ll get scared and he might even kill himself. I’m not pretty when I snap. That’s why my parents are dead and that’s why I don’t make friends.
Sister Sunshine keeps trying to get me to calm down. Does she want to end up like my parents? They’re dead for a reason! I may have been taken here when I was 5, but that doesn’t mean jack shit.
~Brendon~
Dear Diary,
Jon is avoiding me. I don’t want him to avoid me. He likes me, I like him. I want him to come back to me. Maybe… Maybe I’ll get better if I have someone new. I can’t forget… him. Maybe… Maybe I can wish.
~Spencer~
Yo. I fuck up everything. Especially with Spencer. I can’t do anything right. FUCK.
~Jon~
Seeing Brendon, Ryan ran over to him and smiled, “Hey! You wanna play outside with me? It’s a really nice day!” he spoke with a huge grin on his face. He was determined to get Brendon to hang out with him.
Brendon growled, “How many times do I have to fucking say no? How many times do I have to tell you to get the fuck out of my face? Get away from me before I snap. I’ve said it once, I’ll say it again. Get the fuck away from me,” and he walked away.
Ryan’s smile faded as a daymare took over his brain. He started to shudder as the vivid vision came to mind.
”Is Ryan baby gonna cry? Is he? Aw, look at those tears,” he shoved him into the ground, “Man up, you idiot. No one’s going to want you if you keep up with the waterworks. You put on this tortured act like you have such a hard life, but you don’t. You have a fucking great life. You live with both your parents, you’re rich, you have everything.”
Tears were streaming down his face as he put his hand to the bloodied side of his face. He looked up at the guy who was standing over him, “You don’t know anything about me. Don’t tell me I have a fantastic life when you’re pummeling me to the ground. I had to grow up too fast and you’re a bully.”
“Say that again to my face, you fucker!” he yelled, kicking him in the stomach. Ryan groaned and fell to the ground, wrapping his arms around his stomach. He really needed to learn when to shut up. The male leaned down and grabbed him by the back of his head, “You’re 10 years old. What can you possibly offer me?”
“I can tell you that I don’t have a great life…” he coughed out, “And I don’t like it that you’re telling me that I do.”
He laughed and rammed his head into the cement below them, causing Ryan to black out.
Ryan snapped back into reality and he was shaking. Where did that come from? Why did it come in the first place? He took a deep breath and smiled. He’d push that to the back of his mind, forget it if he could. He didn’t want to remember it. He didn’t want it to be there.
As his mind was processing forgetting the daymare, he ran into Sister Sunshine. He smiled, “Sorry!”
She stopped him and touched his shoulder, seeing that his smile wasn’t reaching his eyes, “Ryan, what’s wrong?”
He tilted his head, confused, “Nothing!” he smiled, this time it reached his eyes.
She sighed, “Ryan…”
“I just had a nightmare… And then a daymare… It’s okay! Really, I’m okay,” he smiled and nodded enthusiastically.
“Come with me,” she led him into the office. Once he was seated, she sat herself, “Could you tell me what they were?” and so he did. The expression on her face slowly went from a sincere happiness to solemn and sad. She sighed, “Ryan…”
“It’s okay! I’ll just forget that it happened!”
“Ryan… Those are memories. I’m not sure about the one when you were 10 because we haven’t gotten that far in your therapy, but it seems to go with the pattern. You’re getting your memories back, Ryan…”
He shook his head, “No! I mean, I know you told me that my life wasn’t good, but it wasn’t that bad. Because that daymare and the nightmare… They were really bad. I wouldn’t have gone through that! I would be broken if I went through that!” she just smiled sadly and then his smile faded and he felt a shiver go down his spine, “I’m broken, aren’t I?” she nodded sadly, “Is that… That’s… That’s why I’m happy all the time… Because… Because I… I blocked out everything… I…” he put his face in his hands.
Sister Sunshine moved over and sat next to him, placing her arm around his shoulders, “It’s okay, Ryan… That’s what I’m here for. I’m here to fix you. I’m here to put you back together…”
And then Ryan perked up and smiled, “Okay!” and there he went again. Happy, perky, chipper. He was convinced that what Sister Sunshine told him was a joke. His life wasn’t bad. They were just daymares and nightmares. That was it. There was nothing more to it.
The sister looked shocked. So he was going to ignore them, pretend they weren’t real. She sighed and smiled a little, “Why don’t you go get washed up for your lessons?”
“Okay!” he hopped up and went to his room to get dressed. The sister sighed and went to go talk to Sister Katherine about Ryan.
Spencer was spending a lot of time in his room when Ryan knocked on the door. His head snapped up and he looked at the door, “Come in,” he whispered, but loud enough for the other male to hear. When Ryan came in, he relaxed with a smile, “Hey Ry.”
“Hey!” he beamed, hopping onto the bed next to him. He swung his legs back and forth, “Wanna go play?” he giggled.
Spencer slowly shook his head, “No, Ry… I’m okay. I just kinda… I wanna… I do… stay here. Stay here…” he pursed his lips and the room went quiet. Spencer couldn’t stop thinking about Jon, about the last thing he’d said to him. It had been two days. And nothing. He hadn’t said anything to him. If they were ever in the same room, Jon would immediately leave.
And Ryan was upset because Spencer was upset. He leaned back onto his hands on the bed, “What’s wrong?” he tilted his head with honest curiosity piquing his irises.
“Nothing… Jon… I… There’s… avoiding. Jon… me. Avoiding me,” and it was hard for Ryan to figure out what Spencer was saying, but he got it. Spencer didn’t want Jon to avoid him anymore.
“I don’t think he’s avoiding you! I’m sure it’s just a coincidence!”
And Spencer just shook his head, “I… he… walk into a room… Jon… I… leaves,” he whispered. There was no way it could be a coincidence. And there was no way he could be convinced of that.
“Oh…” Ryan still didn’t quite comprehend what that meant, but he attempted to piece it together and he gasped, “Oh! Well maybe he had somewhere to be every time!” he nodded quickly with a smile, “I don’t think it’s you!”
“It is me.”
“I’ll show you it’s not!” and he got up to leave the room. Spencer curled into a ball. Jon was avoiding him. And he didn’t know what to do. He was stuck in this stupid situation. And it was because… maybe Jon didn’t actually like him. Well, he could wish, right? He sighed. Wishful thinking. But what was Ryan going to do?
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A/N: So I had most of this chapter written. I just didn't realize it until now, haha. But yeah, here you go! Three reviews aren't necessary, but they'd make me REALLY happy. Please rate and review! :)
2/22
Dear Daisy!
We got steak and potatoes last night! We never get to have meat that good! It was so delicious! Brendon sat next to me. I like sitting next to Brendon. He always gives me the food he doesn’t like. I don’t think he eats meat though! He gave me his WHOLE steak! The whole thing! That’s a lot of meat!
And I had a nightmare last night. I didn’t like it. Men were all gathered around a camera and I was naked. They were all laughing and I couldn’t do anything. I… I didn’t like it. I wanted it to stop, but they all kept laughing. And then the one behind the camera started to yell at me. He started to hit me and kick me and I couldn’t do anything. There was blood everywhere. I wanted to wake up, but I couldn’t. It wouldn’t end. It scared me.
I told Sister Sunshine about it and she told me that I was starting to remember my life. But that didn’t happen to me! If that happened, I don’t know. I just don’t think my life could have been that bad! It wasn’t. She was just joking! I’m positive of it! Brendon yelled at me today.
It made me have daymares… I don’t like those. Those are scary. They’re always really bad. Like really bad. And I can’t forget them. They’re really scary. Enough about that, though. The meaner Brendon’s been, the worse the daymares. I’m starting to be scared of Brendon… He’s causing scary daymares! I don’t want them!
~Ryan~
Dear Journal,
The more time that stupid kid spends around me, the angrier I get, the more yelling I do. He should stay the fuck away from me before I snap for real. He won’t like when I snap. It won’t be good for him. He’ll get scared and he might even kill himself. I’m not pretty when I snap. That’s why my parents are dead and that’s why I don’t make friends.
Sister Sunshine keeps trying to get me to calm down. Does she want to end up like my parents? They’re dead for a reason! I may have been taken here when I was 5, but that doesn’t mean jack shit.
~Brendon~
Dear Diary,
Jon is avoiding me. I don’t want him to avoid me. He likes me, I like him. I want him to come back to me. Maybe… Maybe I’ll get better if I have someone new. I can’t forget… him. Maybe… Maybe I can wish.
~Spencer~
Yo. I fuck up everything. Especially with Spencer. I can’t do anything right. FUCK.
~Jon~
Seeing Brendon, Ryan ran over to him and smiled, “Hey! You wanna play outside with me? It’s a really nice day!” he spoke with a huge grin on his face. He was determined to get Brendon to hang out with him.
Brendon growled, “How many times do I have to fucking say no? How many times do I have to tell you to get the fuck out of my face? Get away from me before I snap. I’ve said it once, I’ll say it again. Get the fuck away from me,” and he walked away.
Ryan’s smile faded as a daymare took over his brain. He started to shudder as the vivid vision came to mind.
”Is Ryan baby gonna cry? Is he? Aw, look at those tears,” he shoved him into the ground, “Man up, you idiot. No one’s going to want you if you keep up with the waterworks. You put on this tortured act like you have such a hard life, but you don’t. You have a fucking great life. You live with both your parents, you’re rich, you have everything.”
Tears were streaming down his face as he put his hand to the bloodied side of his face. He looked up at the guy who was standing over him, “You don’t know anything about me. Don’t tell me I have a fantastic life when you’re pummeling me to the ground. I had to grow up too fast and you’re a bully.”
“Say that again to my face, you fucker!” he yelled, kicking him in the stomach. Ryan groaned and fell to the ground, wrapping his arms around his stomach. He really needed to learn when to shut up. The male leaned down and grabbed him by the back of his head, “You’re 10 years old. What can you possibly offer me?”
“I can tell you that I don’t have a great life…” he coughed out, “And I don’t like it that you’re telling me that I do.”
He laughed and rammed his head into the cement below them, causing Ryan to black out.
Ryan snapped back into reality and he was shaking. Where did that come from? Why did it come in the first place? He took a deep breath and smiled. He’d push that to the back of his mind, forget it if he could. He didn’t want to remember it. He didn’t want it to be there.
As his mind was processing forgetting the daymare, he ran into Sister Sunshine. He smiled, “Sorry!”
She stopped him and touched his shoulder, seeing that his smile wasn’t reaching his eyes, “Ryan, what’s wrong?”
He tilted his head, confused, “Nothing!” he smiled, this time it reached his eyes.
She sighed, “Ryan…”
“I just had a nightmare… And then a daymare… It’s okay! Really, I’m okay,” he smiled and nodded enthusiastically.
“Come with me,” she led him into the office. Once he was seated, she sat herself, “Could you tell me what they were?” and so he did. The expression on her face slowly went from a sincere happiness to solemn and sad. She sighed, “Ryan…”
“It’s okay! I’ll just forget that it happened!”
“Ryan… Those are memories. I’m not sure about the one when you were 10 because we haven’t gotten that far in your therapy, but it seems to go with the pattern. You’re getting your memories back, Ryan…”
He shook his head, “No! I mean, I know you told me that my life wasn’t good, but it wasn’t that bad. Because that daymare and the nightmare… They were really bad. I wouldn’t have gone through that! I would be broken if I went through that!” she just smiled sadly and then his smile faded and he felt a shiver go down his spine, “I’m broken, aren’t I?” she nodded sadly, “Is that… That’s… That’s why I’m happy all the time… Because… Because I… I blocked out everything… I…” he put his face in his hands.
Sister Sunshine moved over and sat next to him, placing her arm around his shoulders, “It’s okay, Ryan… That’s what I’m here for. I’m here to fix you. I’m here to put you back together…”
And then Ryan perked up and smiled, “Okay!” and there he went again. Happy, perky, chipper. He was convinced that what Sister Sunshine told him was a joke. His life wasn’t bad. They were just daymares and nightmares. That was it. There was nothing more to it.
The sister looked shocked. So he was going to ignore them, pretend they weren’t real. She sighed and smiled a little, “Why don’t you go get washed up for your lessons?”
“Okay!” he hopped up and went to his room to get dressed. The sister sighed and went to go talk to Sister Katherine about Ryan.
Spencer was spending a lot of time in his room when Ryan knocked on the door. His head snapped up and he looked at the door, “Come in,” he whispered, but loud enough for the other male to hear. When Ryan came in, he relaxed with a smile, “Hey Ry.”
“Hey!” he beamed, hopping onto the bed next to him. He swung his legs back and forth, “Wanna go play?” he giggled.
Spencer slowly shook his head, “No, Ry… I’m okay. I just kinda… I wanna… I do… stay here. Stay here…” he pursed his lips and the room went quiet. Spencer couldn’t stop thinking about Jon, about the last thing he’d said to him. It had been two days. And nothing. He hadn’t said anything to him. If they were ever in the same room, Jon would immediately leave.
And Ryan was upset because Spencer was upset. He leaned back onto his hands on the bed, “What’s wrong?” he tilted his head with honest curiosity piquing his irises.
“Nothing… Jon… I… There’s… avoiding. Jon… me. Avoiding me,” and it was hard for Ryan to figure out what Spencer was saying, but he got it. Spencer didn’t want Jon to avoid him anymore.
“I don’t think he’s avoiding you! I’m sure it’s just a coincidence!”
And Spencer just shook his head, “I… he… walk into a room… Jon… I… leaves,” he whispered. There was no way it could be a coincidence. And there was no way he could be convinced of that.
“Oh…” Ryan still didn’t quite comprehend what that meant, but he attempted to piece it together and he gasped, “Oh! Well maybe he had somewhere to be every time!” he nodded quickly with a smile, “I don’t think it’s you!”
“It is me.”
“I’ll show you it’s not!” and he got up to leave the room. Spencer curled into a ball. Jon was avoiding him. And he didn’t know what to do. He was stuck in this stupid situation. And it was because… maybe Jon didn’t actually like him. Well, he could wish, right? He sighed. Wishful thinking. But what was Ryan going to do?
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A/N: So I had most of this chapter written. I just didn't realize it until now, haha. But yeah, here you go! Three reviews aren't necessary, but they'd make me REALLY happy. Please rate and review! :)
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