FicWad

*THIS IS NOT THE NEXT CHAPTER. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENED DURING AND AFTER GERARD'S FLASHBACK IN CHAPTER 7*



Gerard threw his dirty backpack on the ground and dragged himself to the bathroom. He closed the door behind him and went to look in the mirror. His right eye was beginning to swell close and was turning dark purple. His mouth and chin were covered in dried blood. Blood had crusted on his lips. He ran his tongue over them, tasting the remnants of the blood. Gerard walked to the bathtub and turned the knobs so that hot bathwater started to fill it. Gerard took off his thin hoodie and threw it on the ground. After opening the medicine cabinet door, he found his grandfather’s spare razors. He opened a new packet and took one of the thin sheets of metal out. He studied its edges, its holes, its shape. This small thing, no less than two inches in length could kill a human. It would kill a human. Still in his jeans and t-shirt, Gerard stepped into the bathtub, now filled with hot water. Gerard lowered himself into the water, his stomach wound stinging as he went down. For a minute, he relaxed in the warm water. He felt his shirt flutter lightly around him in the water. Clouds of blood rose from his abdomen. Gerard’s movements and the warm water had opened his stomach again. Gerard exhaled. He was relaxed. He was calm. He watched the incredible designs of the blood as it swirled around in the warm water. More clouds rose from Gerard’s. It was beautiful. It was silent. He was ready. He raised the razor over his left wrist, and positioned it vertically to where the artery seemed most exposed. He exhaled as he applied pressure on his wrist with the blade. At first it was just stinging, but soon, Gerard felt it dig further into his skin. His instincts tried to pull his arm back from his wrist, but he pushed through. Just a little more. A little deeper. He gritted his teeth. The pain was worse than that of his stomach. He couldn’t keep his eyes open any longer. He shut them and pushed the razor even further into his skin. He slid down towards his elbow gradually, opening the cut even deeper. Gerard moaned. He held his breath and finally, when he reached down to the inside of his elbow, released the pressure from his fingers. He sighed. He opened his eyes and cautiously looked at his hands. They were bright red. Droplets of blood fell into the water in a rhythmic pattern. It was the only sound Gerard could hear. Nothing else mattered, just the flow of blood. That was all he needed. He transferred the razor from his right to his left. His hands were shaking so violently, he dropped the red splattered blade into the water. Gerard felt dizzy. He reached down to the bottom of the tub and groped around for the razor. When he finally touched the blade, he picked it up and put it into his bloody hand. He wasn’t quite sure how he could have enough strength in him to do it again, especially with the hand of the wrist that was gushing with blood. But he tried. He repeated his actions. The second cut was not as deep, but adequate. He let the blade slip out of his trembling fingers and land into the water. It floated to the bottom with a tiny muffled plink. He rested back into the bathtub. He watched the blood drip down into the water. Each droplet was a dark, rich ruby, immediately dissolving as it hit the water, and became a cloud of swirling color, like a dream. Gerard watched each drop land in the now pink water. The warm water would help the blood flow faster. He started to feel light-headed. He sunk down into the water. He let both of his arms fall into the water. Immediately, the blood started to swirl around the water, turning it a darker shade of pink, almost red. Gerard let his head rest back into the water. His ears entered the water and he could only hear the sound of the water sloshing against the sides of the tub. He gently closed his eyes. It didn’t hurt anymore. Nothing hurt anymore. He was serene. He smiled for what he thought was the last time. The warm water encompassed his body. It took him in and cradled him. It comforted him. No more worries. Everything was fine. It was like a mother’s touch. A mother. His mother. A flash of panic rose from his chest, but Gerard forced it down. No. No more pain. No more pain. Gerard felt everything, or nothing, he had ever lived for slowly trickle out of him. Almost there. Almost done. He was just about to release everything, but was interrupted by a scream. No. Not his grandmother. It couldn’t be. She didn’t deserve this. He was almost there. He was so close. He couldn’t move. Finally, he opened his eyes expecting to see his grandmother above him, but instead seeing his own bloody, unconscious body below him. Was he... dead? Did he accomplish what he had tried to do? He stood next to his grandmother who was faithfully holding back tears and lifting his body from the tub.

“Grandma?” Gerard asked, putting a hand on her shoulder. His grandmother did not respond but kept tending to Gerard’s limp body, now on the ground. Was he a ghost? Was he having an out-of-body experience? To his grandma, there was only one Gerard at the moment, the bleeding one. He watched her tend to his body, wrapping gauze around his arms. Her tears were not steadily running down her face, mixing with the blood on the ground.

“I’m sorry, honey. It’s gonna be okay. It’s alright, baby. Grandma’s here,” she sobbed. Her hands fumbled with the cloth, but eventually covered the gashes on his arms. Gerard watching his grandmother, started to cry.

“I’m sorry...” he Gerard whispered. “I’m sorry! I’m sorry! I love you. I love you. I love you!” Gerard was sobbing on the ground now, alone with his body, his grandmother in the kitchen to get the telephone to called for an ambulance. His twisted body. His face so calm. So peaceful. Gerard took his last glimpse of his body before fading into nothingness.