Categories > Original > Humor

Realms of Alerfa one shots: Bye Bye Pammy

by Lord-of-Altair 0 reviews

Pammy is an obnoxious teen eco extremist when one day, she lands on another world after being banished from Earth. However, the creatures in the world of Dierveld are bent on getting rid of her.

Category: Humor - Rating: PG-13 - Genres: Fantasy,Parody - Warnings: [V] - Published: 2012-09-19 - Updated: 2012-09-19 - 2192 words - Complete

Bye Bye Pammy


This is a work of fiction. Any resemblance of characters to actual persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental. The Author holds exclusive rights to this work. Unauthorized duplication is prohibited.


There was once an obnoxious young woman named Pammy Braun. Pammy Braun was a teenage girl with short blonde hair, blue eyes, and wore glasses and a black jumper with a red and white striped shirt underneath, as well as red shoes and yellow knee socks.

Pammy was put in a silver space suit and was banished from Earth and sent into space, all because of her radical extremist and borderline terrorist-like actions she was infamous for in her home world. Pammy was none to happy about that. She wanted to become the first female president of the United States, or at least the governor of her native Wisconsin. But now, those dreams were no more, thanks to the people that reported her destructive extremist behavior.

"What did I do wrong?" Pammy wondered. "All I did was use red spray paint against a rich old bag wearing a mink fur coat and set free some European minks from a fur farm, so they can be free. I just wanted to help the earth and now look where I am."

After passing through the branches of the cosmic tree Alerfa in space, the rocket landed on an Earth-like planet, dubbed Dierveld. Dierveld is the home world of the beast people, a race of wild beings ranging from nagas and trolls, to harpies and werefolk (not just werewolves either).

"Wow, where am I?" Pammy wondered as she opened the door and fell out of her rocket ship. "What a rough ride. I hope the creatures in this world are smarter than the savage barbarians back on Earth."

It was quite shocking that Pammy survived such an ordeal through space. As Pammy took off her space helmet, she observed her surroundings. She found herself in a dark, dank palace with dark walls and grotesque carvings and statues of horrible monsters decorating the palace like environment. The only light that came through were the light orbs that seemed to hang in mid air and the big hole in the ceiling.

The palace was quiet as Pammy walked through the dank hallways, trying everything she could not to freak out. "Hmmm, maybe I can be the ruler of this planet and name this planet Merva, after the Etruscan goddess of wisdom. I'm the first human to discover this world. I'll be rich, famous, intelligent and..."

"Evye Vudetepletrotzhinye Mashiy Tsaritzia! (And you'll be an offering to our Empress!)" A loud screechy male voice rang out.

"AAAACK!" Pammy screamed at the top of her lungs. Then, something hit Pammy, as if her mind was cleared and her knowledge grew. "What's going on?"

"What do you think you're doing here human?" a female voice asked. Right there, a couple menacing figures showed up in front of the hapless girl. The figures have human torso and limbs, but their faces are bird-like (even with a beak), as well as their talon like hands, feet and wings. They were both wearing armor, but it was obvious one figure was male and the other was female, due to the shapes of their bodies.

"You speak my language?" Pammy asked. "What are you guys? Where am I?"

"We are the harpy race of the kingdom of Zephyros on this world called Dierveld." The female winged figure explained.

"Harpies? I thought harpies weren't real." Pammy asked. "At least there are no such things as monsters where I live."

"Monsters? You think we're monsters?" The female harpy shrieked in rage. "You're the monster, not us."

"You're coming with us little lady." The male harpy said sternly as he and the female winged figure took Pammy's hands

"What is that thing that crashed into my precious palace?" A giant harpy wondered to herself as she stretches her wings. This giant harpy was Thalna, the divine empress of the harpy race. Thalna had blood red feathers and feather like hair, piercing yellow eyes, a bright yellow beak and talons and wore shiny jewelry alongside a long sleeved royal purple dress that was lined with white fur and obscured her talon-like feet.

Thalna was idly wondering what crashed into her palace, when suddenly, two of her guards walked into her throne room and presented her with a rather nerdy looking human girl. "Is that a..."

"Are you like the leader of the harpies?" Pammy asked. "I'm Pammy, and I'm from Earth."

"Earth? As in the human realm of Earth?" Thalna asked with a surprised look on her bird-like face. Then, the shocked looked turned to a smile as an idea sprung into her head. "Hmmm..."

"What is it? Ummm...Who are you anyways?"

"I am Thalna, the Grand High Goddess of the harpy race." Thalna said as she still continued to smile. "Well, I might send you back to your realm..."

Empress Thalna pulls out a brownish black tube that had the appearance of a lotion bottle, only without a label. She looked at the tube, then at Pammy as if she was deep in thought about something. "... However, it will be a long journey, so I want to make sure that you put on plenty of lotion to keep you moist and not dry out on the way back."

Thalna deposited the 'lotion bottle' in front of Pammy. When Pammy squirts some of this lotion on herself, she was repulsed by the smell. To Pammy, the odor reeked of honey hoisin sauce. Pammy would never ever eat anything that came from an animal, including honey, so this right there horrified her. "Errr...Thalna, are you sure this is lotion, it smells awful. It smells like..."

"Oh yes little lady. It's lotion all right. It's uh...the only type of lotion I put on er... people wanting to go back to their native worlds."

Pammy started to rub the lotion all over her face and took off her space gloves and puts some of this lotion on her hands. It was warm and sticky, she just couldn't get over how pungent the lotion smelled. Hopefully, the smell would fade as she went back into space, since Pammy didn't want to go back to earth smelling like barbecued meat.

"Take off your spacesuit my dear Pammy. Make sure you get this all over you, and don't try to leave left overs either, because I don't want a fragile human drying up in the cosmic branches of Alerfa."

As Pammy took off her space suit, she pouted over the fact that the harpy goddess called her fragile. But Thalna was right, it was better to be safe than sorry. She drenched her arms, shoulders and legs in the goo. As Pammy tries to give the bottle back to Thalna, the harpy goddess refused to take it. "Now what Thalna?"

"Put the last remaining lotion in your hair." Thalna commanded.

"Why my hair?"

"I don't want your hair to dry up and catch on fire when you hit the cosmic tree in space."

Pammy slowly began to apply the warm goo in her hair. When her whole body and clothing were coated with the black lotion, she had to keep standing, since she'd stain everything she touched. Now Pammy was sticky, gooey and her body was stained sepia.

"I look like I'm in a black face disguise. How embarrassing and demeaning."

Thalna started to have a huge grin on her beak. "Heh heh, Well Pammy, you look and smell almost good eat!"

"What kind of a sick joke is this?" Pammy pouted. Thalna reached down and grabbed the hapless human with her gigantic talon and lifted the human up off the ground. "What...WHAT?"

"I'm not joking little lady." Thalna said sternly.

"So you're...?"

"Don't worry young human. I'm not going to chew you or tear you apart. Since you crashed into my palace on accident and not on purpose, I'll swallow you whole. That's how nice of a harpy I am."

"NOOOOOOOOOOO!" Pammy wailed in terror as her feet entered Thalna's beak like mouth. She felt the warm wetness of the Harpy Goddess' tongue against her feet, soaking her socks as the tongue wrapped around her. "Wait! If you eat me like this, all end up in your stomach. Then your stomach will digest me and I'll become a pile of crap."

Pammy was screaming and crying as she was swallowed and slithered down the monster woman's throat. "You can't digest me. I don't even eat meat or dairy products. Hell, I fed the classroom's pet snake tofu instead of RAAAAAAAAAAAATS!"

Her screaming was muffled as Thalna's beak finally closes and with a loud throaty gulp, Pammy was forcefully sent down through the immense harpy goddess' body.

"Yum! I love honey hoisin sauce. Hee hee hee!" Thalna chucked as a servant handed her a napkin to clean her face.

Pammy's little body thrashed and tossed around inside Thalna's stomach. "Hey, I'm still alive! LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW, OR ELSE...!"

Thalna hissed at the helpless human. "Stupid human, I'd wish you would do me a favor and shut your pie hole."

"Let me out, or I'll die and become a pile of crap!"

"No can do Pammy."

"WHAT? I'm too young to die. I'm just about to graduate from high school!"

"But you wrecked my palace you dumb wench."

"But it was just an..."


Pammy was getting exhaused. It was dark and hot in Thalna's stomach, as well as cramped. Then, as she thoughts things couldn't get worse than they already were, a foul bitter smell assaulted Pammy nostrils, followed by a series of loud horrible sounds. Hot juices dripped all over Pammy, and the humidity was just too much. It was like she was thrown in an oven.

"Thalna ...Uhhh... If you let me out, I'll do anything that you desire."

There was just silence.

"I'll... leave animals in cages and not set them free out in the wild."

They was no reply.


Finally, there was a response. "Stop it, you're giving me a headache."

Pammy gasped and hoped that the divine empress will spare her life.

"I'm going to lay down in my bedchambers and go to sleep. You're just making my headache even worse."

"NOOOOOOOOO! THERE'S NO GOD AFTER ALL!" Pammy cried out in horror. Being a harpy goddess, Empress Thalna was offended by what Pammy said, and had her mind set on digesting the helpless human girl.

Pammy now knew what it felt like to be a rat digested by a giant snake. She always felt sorry for the rats that she was forced to feed in her high school science class, so one day she brought tofu instead. The enraged the science teacher and Pammy was forced to transfer to another type of science class after the snake got sick from the tofu. "So this is what it's like to be a rat inside a snake's stomach...What a way to die...what a horrible, horrible..."

Eventually, the heat and foul odors overcame Pammy as she went limp, feeling the painful tingling and stinging as the digestive juices gradually worked their way into her flesh and clothing.

Thalna slept peacefully in bed for hours, as her headache melted away into nothingness. Her stomach groaned loudly as it dissolved Pammy overnight.

"Some fate..." Pammy thought to herself. "I'm not president of the United States nor governor of would be too good for a person like me. Instead, I just got sent to another planet and became food to a psychotic, human eating harpy empress. I don't even think that this creature would know how much my bones and marrow have fiber and protein."

Finally, the night after, Pammy was no more. Thalna woke up having to go use the restroom that morning and excreted out the crap that was once Pammy Braun. She flushed the toilet and flew downstairs to greet her loyal subjects.

"How was your night dear Empress?" A harpy magus asked.

"Well, yawn my night started out rocky, but then, I just drifted off into slumberland after a hard day." Thalna yawned loudly as she stretched her blood red wings out. She eyed her guards and had to tell them something important. "Guards..."

"Yes Empress?"

"The next time you catch an intruder wrecking up my palace, I want you to cast a silence spell on that person, so that people won't make a noise as I eat it."

"Yes Empress!" The guards bowed as they flew out of the room.

Thalna smiled as she thoughed of her bright future in the kingdom of Zephyros. Yes, Thalna and her loyal subjects would protect her beloved kingdom and people from these nasty intruders that dare disturb her peace. Oh yes, victory is such a sweet taste to Empress Thalna as she looked out the palace windowed and smiled, thinking about the bright future she'll bring to the harpy race.

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