FicWad

“Take those damn things off!” Ryan snapped in irritation, “Are you really such a slut that you’d risk breaking your ankles to gain the attention of every man within eyeshot?”

As usual his words hurt more than I cared to admit. It was my fault he was like this though, all my fault. “I’m sorry Ryan, I was just trying to look nice for you.”

“If you were trying to look nice for me then you’d wipe off all of that fucking make up and dress like a respectable lady.” Ryan’s words cut through me like glass, they always did.

“Please Ryan, can we just … talk?” I sat down on our bed, hoping he’d finally stop and talk to me. This talk had been coming for a long time. I just hadn’t had the guts to stay my ground and force Ryan to talk to me. I was afraid it would make things worse.

Now I didn’t think things could get any worse.

“Talk about what Avery?” Ryan stopped in place and glared at me. It was a look that could kill and inside I was slowly dying.

“I’m sorry that I kissed him- I don’t even know his name and it… I know this doesn’t make it any better but it only happened once. I was drunk and tired, and you had so much going on with the band and-“ I was cut off by a sharp slap.

Ryan kneeled down between my legs in front of the bed and fixed me with a deadly stare, “Are you trying to blame me for your own transgressions?”

“N-no, of course not.” I whispered the words as bitter tears fought for freedom from my eyes. They were winning, and the tears were slipping down my cheeks.

My usual, sweet Ryan would hold me and tell me everything was okay if I cried but this new Ryan that I’d created with my terrible mistake didn’t give a shit about me. He just kept me around to punish me for what I’d done to him. “Please Ryan… Please, can things ever be the way they were before? I miss you.” Ryan didn’t blink. He didn’t seem to breathe. He just stared.

It actually seemed as if I’d broken through but then he blinked and the cold glare returned, twisting his usually gorgeous features. “There is nothing to miss. I’m still here. I’ll always be here.” Those words should have been comforting but they weren’t.

“Why?” I asked, though everything inside of me screamed to let the subject go. I didn’t want to make Ryan angry. I’d already done that enough these last few weeks, ever since he caught me kissing some guy I didn’t even know. It was stupid and not something I did often but I was drunk- and everything was so confusing, and I was questioning my relationship with Ryan. His best friend was also my brother, Brendon… and Well, Brendon tipped me off that Ryan was considering proposing.

I wasn’t sure if I was ready to be married and so instead of staying at home with ice cream I went to the bar, trying to remember what it was like to be alone. As I was there I realized I hated it… and then a few shots later my lips were glued to some stranger’s… and there was Ryan.

Then my nightmare began.

“Why?” Ryan mimicked my question with obvious confusion, “Why what?”

“Why stay?” I snapped. I furiously wiped my tears away, sick of being so weepy. This wasn’t us. This wasn’t how our story went. “Why stay when you obviously hate me?”

Ryan stood up suddenly, and a sound of utter frustration rose from his throat. He took a few quick strides to his dresser and pulled open the top drawer. In a few minutes of panic I thought he was going to pull out a gun and shoot me. At this point it really wouldn’t be that much of a surprise.

He pulled out a small jewelry box, one that looked to hold a ring. My breath caught because this was so wrong. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. I fucked everything up. “Hate you?” Ryan quietly asked as he gazed at me. “I don’t hate you at all. I fucking love you, and that’s why this hurts.” He tossed the box at me and it landed on the bed, right beside me. I didn’t touch it.

“That’s a terrible proposal.” I whispered, as I tried to make the situation a little lighter with a joke.

“This is a terrible relationship.” Ryan whispered right before his lips came crashing down on mine. I was pushed back on to our bed and for a few seconds my heart soared because I thought this meant things were better. I thought this was a good step, but it wasn’t. It was the worst step ever. “But I’m not letting you go. I’ve invested too much time, and too much energy in loving you. Do you understand that Avery?” Ryan didn’t even look at me as he unceremoniously ripped the buttons from my favorite shirt off.

“No, I don’t understand.” I pushed Ryan away but he stopped me by using one of his hands to hold both of my arms above my head. He continued undressing me. “I miss you Ryan. I don’t want this. I want what we used to have. I want us to be happy.” Why couldn’t he just listen to me? “Please just stop.”

Ryan wasn’t looking at me but I could hear the emotion in his voice, “I miss you too Avery…” Then I heard his zipper. “And I’m going to spend every fucking day of the rest of my life making you pay for how you made me feel. You’ll wear my fucking ring, and pretend to love every goddamn second of it.”

This was my fault.

I turned someone so beautiful in to a complete monster, and now Ryan was gone.





**



It was 2 am and the sheets were sweaty. I couldn’t sleep like that. I couldn’t risk waking Ryan up. Things were already bad enough. I didn’t want to add another bruise.

Ever so quietly I snuck out of bed and grabbed the first piece of clothing I found. It was Ryan’s sweats, tucked under the bed where he usually kept them because putting them in his dresser would just be too hard. After that I pulled a tank top out of the top drawer of my dresser.

My cell phone was on the bedside table, resting right next to Ryan’s head. I quietly picked it up and rushed for the door, somewhat afraid that Ryan would wake up and see that I was trying to leave.

My hand was on the door when I saw the jewelry box on the floor. I hadn’t even looked at the ring. I couldn’t help it, I turned back to get a glimpse.

The box felt so heavy in my hand, though I knew it only held a ring- a ring that should have signified one of the happiest moments of my life… but instead just reminded me of one of the worst. Ryan had never before forced himself on me, and even though I hadn’t wanted it… I still couldn’t associate it in my mind as rape, because with Ryan sex wasn’t rape. With Ryan sex was supposed to be good.

The ring was beautiful, and I gasped upon seeing it. It had a silver slender band, and there were diamonds making the shape of a heart. As I gazed at it I saw what was engraved on the inside in small print. Avery Ross, you’re what I live for.

This was from the old Ryan.

“Put it on.” Ryan’s voice startled me and I nearly dropped the ring, but thankfully didn’t.

I didn’t look away from the ring, “Did I wake you?”

“Yes.” Ryan yawned, “Put the ring on Avery.”

I didn’t want to.

“Please Ryan-“ I was starting to sound like a broken record, but this time I had a new request.

“Avery-“ Ryan spoke in a warning tone.

“Tell me that you love me.” I pleaded, as I lifted my gaze from the ring to Ryan.

Ryan was staring at me, and for a few sweet seconds he actually seemed speechless. “I do love you Avery.” He finally spoke, and the emotion was there… but it didn’t belong to us anymore, not after the mistakes we’d both made.

“I love you too Ryan.” I whispered, as I slid the ring on to my finger. It felt like such a lie, but I wanted the lie. I wanted it to be the truth again. I wanted Ryan. I didn’t really have him anymore though.

“Come to bed.” Ryan made it sound like a request but I knew it wasn’t. It was an order, and I was nothing more than a possession to him now.

The way he looked at me now made me want to die.

“I was just getting up to… get a glass of water.” I lied, and as usual I was a terrible liar.

Ryan’s eyes narrowed but he said nothing so I quickly left to the kitchen. I grabbed a glass and filled it with water but I wasn’t thirsty. I just wanted to run but now I couldn’t. Ryan was awake and… I heard the television turn on as voices filled our bedroom. I’d left the door cracked open, but not wide enough for Ryan to see me leave.

Most people would think I was being overly dramatic and an outright bitch, but most people didn’t see the bruises all across my body when I undressed. The evidence of my mistake, and Ryan’s mistakes- the sight I had to see every single fucking time I took my clothes off.

I was done paying for my mistake.

I loved Ryan, and I knew somewhere inside of him he still loved me. I couldn’t wait for him to realize that again though. I couldn’t wait out this period of anger because it was dangerous for me.

So, with a heavy heart I slid the ring off of my finger and placed it on the kitchen counter right next to my glass of untouched water.

Walking out on Ryan was probably one of the hardest things I’d ever done.

But it had to be done.