Categories > Celebrities > Panic! At The Disco > Secrets
What is love? Baby, don't hurt me.
1 reviewAre Brendon's feelings for Ryan normal? Is Brendon's love for Sarah even real?
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What is love? Baby, don’t hurt me.
For a good week, every single morning that Ryan woke up, he couldn’t remember a thing from the night before. He just knew that he felt sexually satisfied. He was okay with that. It kept him from thinking about Brendon, about the falsities he’d been told. They just had to be false. There was no way it could be true. Brendon would never want him that way. Besides, he was with Sarah. There was proof right there.
He really couldn’t take it anymore. He didn’t want to wake up with no idea what he did the night before. But he kept it up. He kept doing it for another month or so before he finally stumbled into the house one day with a bruised leg and a bump on the back of his head. He had no idea how he hurt either body part and he was pretty sure he wasn’t going to figure it out.
Brendon walked out of the kitchen because he heard the door and he smirked in amusement, “Well, looks like someone had a rough night,” but he was more amused than anything else. Ryan flipped him off and walked over to the stairs. He latched onto the railing as he made his way up. He could barely see straight. He wasn’t drunk anymore, but the hangover was a bitch.
He placed his hand on the wall once he got to the second floor. He kept it there to stablize himself. He went to Spencer’s room and knocked several times. No response. He kept knocking until it opened and Ryan practically fell on top of him. Spencer pushed him back up so he was standing up, “Come in,” he led him over to his bed and sat him down. He then went back over to the door to close it. He turned to his best friend, “What’s up?”
“I can’t remember last night,” was all he could muster as he closed his eyes. His head hurt, his world was spinning, and he was completely dehydrated.
“Okay, that’s nothing new as of late. You haven’t really been able to remember any night since about a month ago. But why are you coming to me? Not that I’m not happy to see you. I’m just… curious.”
He slowly sat up, putting a hand to his head to try to keep it from spinning, “About a month ago… I’m actually not sure how long it’s been at this point. But the bartender told me that you told him that Brendon likes me,” he opened his eyes to look at him, “Is that true? Did you tell him that? Is it true? Does he?” he wasn’t entirely sure if he wanted to know. But he felt he needed to know.
Brendon walked in to Spencer’s room, tears falling down his face. He could barely keep himself up, “Spence…” he whispered. Spencer’s head snapped up and his eyes widened. He ran over and wrapped an arm around his shoulders, closing the door behind them. He brought him over to the bed and sat down next to him. He rubbed his shoulders and gave him a smile.
“What’s wrong, Bren? What happened?” he whispered quietly into his ear. Brendon fell into his arms, hugging him tightly. He cried into his shoulder, saying nothing. Spencer let him. He wasn’t going to stop him from crying. If this is what he needed, he wasn’t going to push him away.
After a good five minutes, Brendon took a deep breath and sat up, wiping his face, “It’s… It’s Ryan,” he hiccupped, “He told me that he was done… He… He said that he… he couldn’t like me anymore. He said… He said… fuck it. He said fuck it. He said he wasn’t going to be my little duckie anymore. He wasn’t going to follow me around, hoping I’d like him back one day… He said fuck you to my face and left…” he hiccupped again, “Now he’s going to go chase other people… I think he might go after Z again…”
Spencer rubbed his back some more, “Bren…” he held his face level with his own, “Do you like Ryan?”
“No! Which is why I’m so confused!”
“Okay… When someone mentions Ryan, your face brightens. When someone mentions that they saw Ryan with a girl, your face twists into pain. When Ryan hugs you, you get the biggest smile on your face. When Ryan’s not in the house, you mope. When he comes home, you bounce around like you were never unhappy.”
“Yeah, he’s my friend. There’s nothing wrong with that stuff. I just don’t know what to do. He just flat out told me to go fuck myself. Whatever. Good riddance. I’ll just move on, right? Yeah. Of course. I’ll move on,” he stood up and went to the door. He smiled back at Spencer, “Thanks, Spence,” and he walked out.
Brendon was… IS madly in love with Ryan. And he doesn’t even know it. But he couldn’t tell anyone. He knew that for sure. Brendon would kill him.
Now who was the asshole? Spencer hesitated, staring at his best friend in pain on the bed with his eyes closed. He walked over and sat down, “Yeah, I did tell the bartender that,” he might as well at least give him something. It still didn’t say if it was true or not. But he did tell the bartender. Ryan huffed and got up off the bed and headed to the door, “Where are you going?”
He turned to him, which was a bad idea, considering he almost fell over, “To get some sleep and advil…” he paused, “Not in that order,” he walked off to his own room and collapsed on the bed. Okay, maybe in that order.
Meanwhile, Brendon was lounging on the couch, watching The Walking Dead, cursing at the TV every so often. He had no idea what was going on upstairs or with the outside world. All he knew was that Rick and crew were in a building and he was the only man alive. That was it. And that’s all he wanted to know right now. He didn’t care about the outside world.
He sipped at his beer before he heard a knock on the door. He set the bottle down and paused the show. He hoisted himself up and went to the door. Without checking to see who it was, he answered the door and was not at all surprised to see Sarah standing there with cupcakes. Of course she’d bring cupcakes. Brendon gave her a fake surprised smile, “Hi! What are you doing here? In Vegas… with cupcakes?”
Now, don’t get him wrong. It wasn’t that he didn’t like Sarah. He adored her. Hell, he was engaged to her, wasn’t he? He just wouldn’t expect to see her here of all places. The past few months had been a blur, to say the least. The more time he spent with Ryan, the more he began to realize that his feelings for Sarah were dwindling. He didn’t know why. It wasn’t like he gave a damn about Ryan. Ryan was just Ryan. They were friends.
But he was beginning to realize that what he felt for Sarah wasn’t love. Love doesn’t go away. Then he began to think about Ryan. Ryan made him smile like an idiot. Sarah only ever got fake smiles out of him. Ryan’s presence just always made Brendon want to pull him in for an embrace that would never end. Hugs and kisses with Sarah were just casual, ordinary, routine. This wasn’t love. He cared more about Ryan than he cared about Sarah. And he was just friends with Ryan.
“I came to visit you because I’ve missed my fiancé!” she giggled and gave him a quick peck to the lips, which Brendon obligingly returned. He let her in and over to the couch. She gasped, “You’re watching the first season finale! Can we watch it together?! I’m here too!” she smiled up at him.
She was the perfect woman. Just maybe not for him. But Brendon smiled and nodded, “Of course,” he sat down next to her and rewound it back to the beginning. He then wrapped an arm around her and pulled her close. He could never leave her. He didn’t want to be alone, even if he knew at this point that what he felt for her wasn’t real love. It was like. He liked her. But that was it. However, he was getting the feeling that what he felt for Ryan wasn’t normal. That’s not how you’re supposed to feel for your best friend.
“Hey!” Sarah spoke up out of the blue, causing Brendon to jump somewhat. How long had he been lost in his thoughts? Oh, the episode was over. Wow. He turned to her with a smile, “We should go out to lunch!” she smiled brightly and got up. She pulled him up and nodded. He laughed, but agreed, following her out.
He didn’t even say good bye to the guys. Ryan was probably either passed out or vomiting and Spencer was probably… pining about Jon being gone. So there was no use. At the restaurant, they took their seats and were talking about something regarding the next tour and the next album. Sarah seemed fairly intrigued by it. That is, until they were approached by someone.
“Hey, Brendon, I’m sorry to hear about Ryan,” the male smile sympathetically. What? Ryan wasn’t dead or sick, so what was he talking about? When he saw that Brendon was confused, he continued, “I’m sorry that he’s leaving the band…”
And Brendon’s facial expression shattered. What? Leaving the band? No. That wasn’t… That’s not possible. Ryan wouldn’t leave the band. Ryan loved the band! Just like Spencer, Brendon, and Jon did. There wasn’t any reason for him to leave. None, zilch, ZERO. But Brendon managed to laugh, “He’s not leaving the band. Whatever gave you that impression?”
“Oh, Spencer told me he was.”
Brendon stood up and smiled at him, “Oh. Well then, yeah, thanks,” he looked at Sarah and placed a $20 on the table before walking out. He made his way to the car and got in. He placed his hands on the steering wheel, allowing his knuckles to turn white. He didn’t care. How could Spencer tell people that? Ryan wouldn’t fucking leave.
What could he do now though? What if it was true? It would kill him. If Ryan left, he didn’t even know if he could go on. What would he do if he did leave? He couldn’t keep Panic! going. It wasn’t even possible. He couldn’t lose Ryan. All he could hope for was that the guy was lying. He could hope that Spencer didn’t actually tell anyone that. It was all just some big joke.
When Sarah got in the car, Brendon took a deep breath, “I’ll drop you off at your hotel. I need some time to myself,” he whispered. He couldn’t even fake a smile or a laugh for her. No. He needed time. Sarah nodded and Brendon drove off. He dropped her off and went home. He went up to his room and slid into his bed. He put his face into his pillow and screamed. It couldn’t be true. There was no way in hell. But he’d wait. He’d wait to find out himself.
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A/N: I know this is up like two days early, but I don't care. WHATEVER. Haha. Anyway, yeah, I hope you enjoyed it. Please rate and review! :)
For a good week, every single morning that Ryan woke up, he couldn’t remember a thing from the night before. He just knew that he felt sexually satisfied. He was okay with that. It kept him from thinking about Brendon, about the falsities he’d been told. They just had to be false. There was no way it could be true. Brendon would never want him that way. Besides, he was with Sarah. There was proof right there.
He really couldn’t take it anymore. He didn’t want to wake up with no idea what he did the night before. But he kept it up. He kept doing it for another month or so before he finally stumbled into the house one day with a bruised leg and a bump on the back of his head. He had no idea how he hurt either body part and he was pretty sure he wasn’t going to figure it out.
Brendon walked out of the kitchen because he heard the door and he smirked in amusement, “Well, looks like someone had a rough night,” but he was more amused than anything else. Ryan flipped him off and walked over to the stairs. He latched onto the railing as he made his way up. He could barely see straight. He wasn’t drunk anymore, but the hangover was a bitch.
He placed his hand on the wall once he got to the second floor. He kept it there to stablize himself. He went to Spencer’s room and knocked several times. No response. He kept knocking until it opened and Ryan practically fell on top of him. Spencer pushed him back up so he was standing up, “Come in,” he led him over to his bed and sat him down. He then went back over to the door to close it. He turned to his best friend, “What’s up?”
“I can’t remember last night,” was all he could muster as he closed his eyes. His head hurt, his world was spinning, and he was completely dehydrated.
“Okay, that’s nothing new as of late. You haven’t really been able to remember any night since about a month ago. But why are you coming to me? Not that I’m not happy to see you. I’m just… curious.”
He slowly sat up, putting a hand to his head to try to keep it from spinning, “About a month ago… I’m actually not sure how long it’s been at this point. But the bartender told me that you told him that Brendon likes me,” he opened his eyes to look at him, “Is that true? Did you tell him that? Is it true? Does he?” he wasn’t entirely sure if he wanted to know. But he felt he needed to know.
Brendon walked in to Spencer’s room, tears falling down his face. He could barely keep himself up, “Spence…” he whispered. Spencer’s head snapped up and his eyes widened. He ran over and wrapped an arm around his shoulders, closing the door behind them. He brought him over to the bed and sat down next to him. He rubbed his shoulders and gave him a smile.
“What’s wrong, Bren? What happened?” he whispered quietly into his ear. Brendon fell into his arms, hugging him tightly. He cried into his shoulder, saying nothing. Spencer let him. He wasn’t going to stop him from crying. If this is what he needed, he wasn’t going to push him away.
After a good five minutes, Brendon took a deep breath and sat up, wiping his face, “It’s… It’s Ryan,” he hiccupped, “He told me that he was done… He… He said that he… he couldn’t like me anymore. He said… He said… fuck it. He said fuck it. He said he wasn’t going to be my little duckie anymore. He wasn’t going to follow me around, hoping I’d like him back one day… He said fuck you to my face and left…” he hiccupped again, “Now he’s going to go chase other people… I think he might go after Z again…”
Spencer rubbed his back some more, “Bren…” he held his face level with his own, “Do you like Ryan?”
“No! Which is why I’m so confused!”
“Okay… When someone mentions Ryan, your face brightens. When someone mentions that they saw Ryan with a girl, your face twists into pain. When Ryan hugs you, you get the biggest smile on your face. When Ryan’s not in the house, you mope. When he comes home, you bounce around like you were never unhappy.”
“Yeah, he’s my friend. There’s nothing wrong with that stuff. I just don’t know what to do. He just flat out told me to go fuck myself. Whatever. Good riddance. I’ll just move on, right? Yeah. Of course. I’ll move on,” he stood up and went to the door. He smiled back at Spencer, “Thanks, Spence,” and he walked out.
Brendon was… IS madly in love with Ryan. And he doesn’t even know it. But he couldn’t tell anyone. He knew that for sure. Brendon would kill him.
Now who was the asshole? Spencer hesitated, staring at his best friend in pain on the bed with his eyes closed. He walked over and sat down, “Yeah, I did tell the bartender that,” he might as well at least give him something. It still didn’t say if it was true or not. But he did tell the bartender. Ryan huffed and got up off the bed and headed to the door, “Where are you going?”
He turned to him, which was a bad idea, considering he almost fell over, “To get some sleep and advil…” he paused, “Not in that order,” he walked off to his own room and collapsed on the bed. Okay, maybe in that order.
Meanwhile, Brendon was lounging on the couch, watching The Walking Dead, cursing at the TV every so often. He had no idea what was going on upstairs or with the outside world. All he knew was that Rick and crew were in a building and he was the only man alive. That was it. And that’s all he wanted to know right now. He didn’t care about the outside world.
He sipped at his beer before he heard a knock on the door. He set the bottle down and paused the show. He hoisted himself up and went to the door. Without checking to see who it was, he answered the door and was not at all surprised to see Sarah standing there with cupcakes. Of course she’d bring cupcakes. Brendon gave her a fake surprised smile, “Hi! What are you doing here? In Vegas… with cupcakes?”
Now, don’t get him wrong. It wasn’t that he didn’t like Sarah. He adored her. Hell, he was engaged to her, wasn’t he? He just wouldn’t expect to see her here of all places. The past few months had been a blur, to say the least. The more time he spent with Ryan, the more he began to realize that his feelings for Sarah were dwindling. He didn’t know why. It wasn’t like he gave a damn about Ryan. Ryan was just Ryan. They were friends.
But he was beginning to realize that what he felt for Sarah wasn’t love. Love doesn’t go away. Then he began to think about Ryan. Ryan made him smile like an idiot. Sarah only ever got fake smiles out of him. Ryan’s presence just always made Brendon want to pull him in for an embrace that would never end. Hugs and kisses with Sarah were just casual, ordinary, routine. This wasn’t love. He cared more about Ryan than he cared about Sarah. And he was just friends with Ryan.
“I came to visit you because I’ve missed my fiancé!” she giggled and gave him a quick peck to the lips, which Brendon obligingly returned. He let her in and over to the couch. She gasped, “You’re watching the first season finale! Can we watch it together?! I’m here too!” she smiled up at him.
She was the perfect woman. Just maybe not for him. But Brendon smiled and nodded, “Of course,” he sat down next to her and rewound it back to the beginning. He then wrapped an arm around her and pulled her close. He could never leave her. He didn’t want to be alone, even if he knew at this point that what he felt for her wasn’t real love. It was like. He liked her. But that was it. However, he was getting the feeling that what he felt for Ryan wasn’t normal. That’s not how you’re supposed to feel for your best friend.
“Hey!” Sarah spoke up out of the blue, causing Brendon to jump somewhat. How long had he been lost in his thoughts? Oh, the episode was over. Wow. He turned to her with a smile, “We should go out to lunch!” she smiled brightly and got up. She pulled him up and nodded. He laughed, but agreed, following her out.
He didn’t even say good bye to the guys. Ryan was probably either passed out or vomiting and Spencer was probably… pining about Jon being gone. So there was no use. At the restaurant, they took their seats and were talking about something regarding the next tour and the next album. Sarah seemed fairly intrigued by it. That is, until they were approached by someone.
“Hey, Brendon, I’m sorry to hear about Ryan,” the male smile sympathetically. What? Ryan wasn’t dead or sick, so what was he talking about? When he saw that Brendon was confused, he continued, “I’m sorry that he’s leaving the band…”
And Brendon’s facial expression shattered. What? Leaving the band? No. That wasn’t… That’s not possible. Ryan wouldn’t leave the band. Ryan loved the band! Just like Spencer, Brendon, and Jon did. There wasn’t any reason for him to leave. None, zilch, ZERO. But Brendon managed to laugh, “He’s not leaving the band. Whatever gave you that impression?”
“Oh, Spencer told me he was.”
Brendon stood up and smiled at him, “Oh. Well then, yeah, thanks,” he looked at Sarah and placed a $20 on the table before walking out. He made his way to the car and got in. He placed his hands on the steering wheel, allowing his knuckles to turn white. He didn’t care. How could Spencer tell people that? Ryan wouldn’t fucking leave.
What could he do now though? What if it was true? It would kill him. If Ryan left, he didn’t even know if he could go on. What would he do if he did leave? He couldn’t keep Panic! going. It wasn’t even possible. He couldn’t lose Ryan. All he could hope for was that the guy was lying. He could hope that Spencer didn’t actually tell anyone that. It was all just some big joke.
When Sarah got in the car, Brendon took a deep breath, “I’ll drop you off at your hotel. I need some time to myself,” he whispered. He couldn’t even fake a smile or a laugh for her. No. He needed time. Sarah nodded and Brendon drove off. He dropped her off and went home. He went up to his room and slid into his bed. He put his face into his pillow and screamed. It couldn’t be true. There was no way in hell. But he’d wait. He’d wait to find out himself.
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A/N: I know this is up like two days early, but I don't care. WHATEVER. Haha. Anyway, yeah, I hope you enjoyed it. Please rate and review! :)
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