FicWad

You’re the Reasons Things Have to Change

An excerpt for Awake and Unafraid



“Do you think he will be ok?” I searched Ray’s face as the question slipped from my lips. Ray just shrugged and continued watching Gerard stumble around in front of us. He was extremely intoxicated and as Gerard put it, stoned. This wasn’t the stoned Gerard that I was used to this last year or so on tour with My Chemical Romance. He was out of his head and screaming in the parking lot of the venue.

Ray and I were sitting quietly on the table of the picnic table that sat next to the brand new My Chemical Romance Tour bus. The sun had gone down hours ago and most of the bands on tour with us were either asleep in their buses or they were partying inside their buses.

The stress of taking care of him had gotten to me a week or so ago and I had broke up with him, saying that we should be friends right now, till he got his shit together. It was the hardest thing I had ever done in my life. He stood on the bridge at a park in New Jersey, while we were home from tour for a few days and he cried.

“Tristan, please don’t do this…” he sobbed, “I’ll do better, sugar.”

My heart shattered into millions of pieces when his reaction to my trying to break up with him. I couldn’t take the party animal anymore. He drank more and more than he ever did before and then instead of just using Xanax like he was supposed to for his depression; he mixed it with alcohol and harder drugs. He was spiraling out of control; while I left picking him up every time he fell. I would always be there to pick him up, but I felt that I was getting nothing from the relationship at this particular point in time. I left him sobbing on that bridge like the asshole that I felt I was.

A week later, here I was, sitting with Ray in the middle of the night, in the middle of the Midwest, watching him fall further away from me. He was always drunk. All the damn time. Why did he need that? Wasn’t I enough for him?

I raked my hands over my face in a stressed out manner, but didn’t move from my position. I would never let him fall, without being there to pick him up. I couldn’t leave the man. I loved him. I sighed to myself and Ray turned to me.

“Do you think we should get inside the bus?” Ray spoke in a hushed whisper, so I could only hear. I shook my head to say no.

“He needs the air, but I think maybe he should talk to Brian,” I thought maybe our manager could calm him down. Gerard hadn’t spoken to me since that night on the bridge. I didn’t blame him for that, but it only made him worse with his drug abuse. I had the feeling that I might die that very night. I was afraid for him and myself. He was so strong for me when I needed him so long ago. He was so hurt though when he confronted me about what I had done.

Flashback

Waking in the morning, my mind was still in a dark place. I looked over to see Gerard’s bed was empty. Where did he go? Why is he gone? Is he with her? What does she have that I don’t? Why doesn’t he want me? I couldn’t stop the constant stream of questions that were crowding up my mind.

I could feel the darkness coming in, enveloping me in a shadow that consumed me. I don’t want to be here anymore. Why am I still alive? Why? I don’t want to live anymore, I realized.

I sat up on the couch and swung my legs over the side, putting my head in my hands as tears streamed down my face.

I can’t take it anymore. I hate the looks everyone keeps giving me, like I’m some sort of alien or freak. I love Gerard so much, but he doesn’t feel the same. He never will. I run my hands through my tangled dark hair trying not to cry.

Goddamn I’m so fucking weak. I can’t shake the thoughts. Why am I still alive? Why? Fucking why? I want to scream, but I resist the urge and I groan inwardly. I’m alone. He doesn’t love me. Why doesn’t he love me? Why won’t he want me? Stop! The thoughts won’t stop. STOP! I hate myself! There has to be away out. I want everything to be over!

I finally muster the guts to get up and race over to my bag next to Gerard’s bed. I pull out a prescription bottle of sleeping pills that I hadn’t used any of yet. I held the bottle in my shaking hands and I cried harder. I then took the lid off and poured the pills into my small, shaking hands. I stared down at them wondering if anyone would care when I was dead and gone.

Before I could chicken out, I put the pills into my mouth with a bottle of water next to his bed. I dropped the empty bottle onto his bed. I then looked over at the wall above Gerard’s desk, the one with all the drawings of me. Why does he have those? Why? My head was spinning and my vision was beginning to blur after a few minutes. He doesn’t love me. He just led me on.

I started to stagger toward the couch, but I didn’t make it before collapsing in the floor right next to Gerard’s bed.

I closed my eyes welcoming the end. Gerard…I loved you.


Gerard pulled into the driveway in his silver Subaru. He turned the engine off, picked up the prescription that he had just gone to pick up for Tristan.

He got out of the car and went down the stairs, opened the door, and walked in. The room was so dark. Why wasn’t Tristan up? He switched the light on, his eyes adjusting to the new found light of the room.

His mouth gaped open when he saw Tristan sprawled on the floor next to his bad. He dropped the medicine in his hand and ran toward her.

“TRISTAN! OH MY GOD! TRISTAN!” Gerard lifted Tristan’s limp up into his lap. He shook her, but she didn’t stir. What the hell is wrong? She didn’t open her eyes.

Gerard began to panic. “TRISTAN! WAKE UP! WAKE UP!” Gerard searched her face, but there was nothing there.

She was barely breathing. “TRISTAN! WHAT IS WRONG?” He cried. Gerard frantically searched the room, looking for anything to explain why she wasn’t waking up. His eyes fell on an empty prescription bottle on his bed. His heart sank to the floor from his realization of her actions.

“TRISTAN!! OH MY GOD! DON’T YOU DIE!” His voice shook and tears rolled down his face. He got up quickly, pulling Tristan up into his arms. He ran toward the bathroom.

“TRISTAN! DON’T YOU DIE ON ME! TRISTAN!” His voice was full of pain and anguish. Gerard pulled Tristan and himself fully clothed into the shower and turned the warm water on, hoping it would help her wake up.

“DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” Gerard and Tristan were sitting in the shower stall floor, water cascading over both of them. Tristan was in Gerard’s lap, back to chest. He held her while crying.

He cried out loud, “TRISTAAAAANNNN!” Gerard putting his fingers into her mouth and induced vomiting twice. Tristan awoke vomiting into the shower floor. She was in shock and looked over her shoulder to see Gerard upset and stroking her head and her back. He kissed the side of her face and her neck, pulling her closer to him as they both were sobbing hard. They stayed in the shower floor for a long time just holding onto one another.

Later that day in the basement…

I was sitting on Gerard’s bed, in dry clothes and my wet hair tied up into a messy bun. I was staring at the drawings just above Gerard’s desk; the ones of me. Gerard had helped me change into new clothes and then sat me on his desk while he went upstairs for a while. My mind was wondering through a maze of questions still, but different ones this time. Why did I do that? Why did I attempt suicide? Did Gerard really care? He must care.

Gerard walks through the door silently and comes up and stands directly in front of me. I swing my legs over the side of the bed, so my boot wasn’t on his bed. He stared down at me with a pained look on his face. I met his blood shot eyes and tear stained face with mine. I had caused that pain that I could clearly see upon his face.

“Do you want to tell anyone about the pills?” Gerard finally broke the silence with a hard question. I shook my head no.

“Do I need to watch you every second of everyday? Are you gonna hurt yourself again?” Gerard’s questioning persisted. I was overwhelmed with all the emotions I was feeling and the emotions he was showing. He was never one to show his true emotions just like myself. I thought for a moment and decided that he wasn’t gonna have to be burdened with being on watch. He was angry with me, worse than I had ever seen him. I shook my head no once again.

“What’s wrong? Are you sad?” Gerard asked with a few tears escaping his eyes and falling down his tear stained cheeks. I nodded my head yes. I wasn’t going to start lying now. He had saved me from myself and I needed him.

Gerard stared at me for a minute and then spoke again. “Me too…now.” Gerard’s tone was laced with sadness. “Tristan, something has changed in you toward me. A lot has happened and September eleventh didn’t help, it just made it worse between us. I don’t know what I’ve done to make you act differently toward me. You didn’t talk to me most of the summer and you never came to see me. You are distant and cold toward me. I mean seriously, you aren’t even talking to me anymore. We used to talk all the time. We are best friends. You can’t kill yourself,” he paused and wiped a tear away from his cheek. “I need you. You can’t leave me here alone. I need you!” Gerard was trembling now.

We were both crying uncontrollably now. I couldn’t handle seeing him so hurt and I caused it. I reached up with my right hand and took his shaking right hand in mine. I looked up into his teary hazel eyes and finally choked out, “I need…you…too.”

Back to reality.

I had been so selfish and now he is paying me back for my mistakes. I shoved myself off the table and walked toward Gerard, who had now fallen onto the ground and was lying on his back and mumbling to himself. I kneeled down next to him and placed a hand on his shoulder.

“Gerard, please get up. You need to get up for me ok.” I tried to hold back my tears, but they defeated me.

“Why dooo…..you hate me?” Gerard struggled to put a sentence together, but I understood.

“I don’t hate you.” I breathed, “In fact, I love you more than anything in the world, but you are hurting me right now.” I couldn’t lie to him about my feelings. He stared up at me with his tear stained eyes, causing me to fall to pieces with him. I couldn’t let this go on. “Gerard, I need you to get up and call Brian.” I got up and stuck my hand out to help him up.

Ray ran over and helped me lift Gerard off the ground. I dialed Brian’s number and handed the phone to Gerard. “Here, you need to talk to him.” I knew Brian could talk some since into him. I was too overemotional to help the situation.

Gerard drunkenly smiled and took my cell phone and placed it to his ear. Ray and I helped him to the picnic table to sit and talk. Ray left me to sit with him after a while.

I never wavered from him that night, even when I had to help explain to our touring manager what Gerard had ingested and how he was suicidal. I knew how he felt.

We finally got Gerard into is bunk later and I got in with him and held him till he fell to sleep. I hoped that he would come back to me someday. I hoped that he would see that he wasn’t just hurting himself, but he was hurting everyone in the band. I wanted my Gerard back.