FicWad

"Just shut up, and let me talk!" I re-adjusted myself on the ledge and didn't turn back to look at him.

"I'm sorry that I'm doing this.
It's not that I want to.
Well, actually, no. I do want to.
But I'm not doing this because of you.
I know that you did your best, and so did the others, Frank, Bob, Ray - and I can't really thank you enough for helping me to survive these last few years.
But it's just not enough, not any more.

For the entirety of my life, I have been subjected to so much abuse - name calling, beating, taunting, cutting - everything you could imagine. I've taken drugs and done some very bad things. Some very bad people have done very bad things to me. I've been touched by tainted fingers in places no one should go and kissed by tainted lips and.." My throat was catching. "..I never wanted it. It was always forced upon me. I've been down so low and only the hospital attendants stopped me from slitting my throat that night, when I was dragged in after being left in an alleyway to die.
You weren't there.
I don't think you even knew that had happened.
Well you do now.
I didn't want you there, because I knew it would hurt you too much. So I suffered in silence.

I hope you know, that I'm thinking of you. Though of course, there hasn't been a time in my life, a day gone by, where I haven't thought of you. Right from the flying high times on stage to retching up my insides into a nearby gutter. I think how every day, I'm just disappointing you. I'm disappointing everyone who ever expected anything of me. Our mother, who adored us, and our father, who wanted me to be something fantastic. I could never be, just me. I didn't know how to be anything other than myself, and no one seemed to like me being me.

I know that you don't think I am disappointing - you're the only person, besides the band, who have ever treated me like a real person. Like a real man. Like a brother. But I know you feel it, you just don't see it, I suppose. But that's why I love you.
No. I love you because you are the only thing that's mine.
You always loved me regardless of everything I did, even when I smoked and drank myself to oblivion and spent 3 months self-wallowing.

I wish that I could have been a better person to you. You always stood by me and I blew it. And now I'm making it worse. But I know that you'll get better, you'll feel better and marry and live your life - the only thing I can expect in my life is to wallow a little further in my own self pity until one day I step into the road in front of a sixteen wheeler. Which is why I want to do this. I want to end it. I want out, Gerard, I want out.

I've spent my entire life thinking I was useless. Pointless. Pathetic. Stupid.
You know, I think those kids were right. I think those interviewers were right. I think the newspaper journalists were right.
Don't let them eat you alive. Please.
They're malicious."

I paused to take in the air around me. I felt at ease - my problems were suddenly decreasing in the hope that soon it would all be over. I pushed my toes over the ledge a little further and took a little pleasure in the adrenaline it administered.

"Nah, you're worth it, see.
I'm not.
Save your breath, big brother.
You were a good brother.
You are a good brother.
Don't try and catch me." I paused and breathed in sharply. My body tensed up.

"And don't you dare jump after me." I hissed. I would hate myself, screw it, I already did - but he has so much to live for. I don't. I only have him to live for, and.. well.. I can't do that to him. "If you dare try and jump with me, I'll-"

"You'll what, Mikey?" Gerard finally snarled back. "Kill me? Oh, sorry, it's a little late for that." I bit my lip upon realising how right he was. "I was never going to jump with you." Although I would never want him to - I was a little hurt. I guess he didn't care that much.

"You're not going to jump."

I froze where I was standing. I looked down at the street below; cars and people walked by, busy with their own lives - what they were doing at 12am, I had no idea. I finally turned to look at Gerard, who was far closer to me than I had realised. Still at least a few feet away. I shook my head at him repeatedly.

"No. No, I need it to end." I stepped slightly backwards and revelled in the adrenaline which pulsated around my body as I began to fall.
"I love you."
I shut my eyes tight and smiled softly, anticipating the freedom I would have in no less than a minute.
But the freedom never came to me.
Among screams of my name, his hands clamped around my knees and threw me over his shoulder. My lips were trembling and I was on the verge of bawling as he carried me away from the edge of the building. He sat down and held me against him, and the tears started springing out.

His voice was suddenly a slow, soft whisper. His usual voice.
"I never knew, Mikey." He hushed, rocking my gently. "How could I help if I never knew?" I sobbed and damned myself.
"You never let me in." I choked back.

I took my glasses off and smashed them against the floor. Gerard didn't even flinch as glass pieces flew all over the place, but he immediately grabbed my hands and shook me when he saw the glass I was pressing into my palm. I didn't want him to see. I still need a release, he isn't enough, he isn't doing what he's supposed to, like he used to.
But I think he knew what to say.

He took his jacket and pulled it around me, squeezing my hand hard to stop the blood from flowing and wrapping it tightly with a piece of his shirt. He leant in and kissed my forehead tentatively before assuming his position around my broken, flimsy frame.

"You know, Mikey, I do love you. You might think I don't at times, but I do. I don't think you'll ever understand the love I have for you. More than anyone. Because you're my baby brother. And my best friend. And you're the only one and I have. You know that, don't you?"
I nodded.
He knew.
A release.


"Thank you.." I squeaked, my voice catching on the heavy lump of remorse in my throat.