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Gerard's Journal
10/30/2012

It was too much.

I can't fight.

I can't breath.

I can't speak.

I need to scream, scream until the oxygen begged to get back in, until I was collapsing on the floor, a muddled mess of flesh and feeling.

It feels like somebody is gripping my throat.

I needed to run, drive, fly, anything.

I needed to get out.

I can't sing.

I can't walk.

I can't live.

I'm so paralyzed my my own fears, nothing can get through the walls around me anymore.

And I cant, and I can't ever wake up.

I can't get through my own walls anymore.

And I know, because I've tried.

I've lined up guns and cannons, waited for a breakthrough...

I can't dream.

I can't hope.

I can't stop suffocating.

It's like I'm just an discarded cigarette box... crumpled and unalive, nothing special inside.

I've contemplated shooting my veins full of drugs, to numb me so I couldn't feel the agony of my apathy.

It's not unapologetic anymore...

I've thought about pressing a gun to my temple, pressing a finger to the trigger, pressing little red button on my life.

But I'm not suicidal anymore....

just lost.

and scared.

and unable to call for help.

I can't let people in anymore.

I can't let the music in anymore.

I'm so tired of fighting my self.

I'm so scared of breaking down.

I'm so ready to fight the world.

But how can I?

All I am is a fucking baby.

And I can't even feel it anymore.

Maybe I'll just sleep...