FicWad

18th December 2000

My old car tires crunched against the gravel of the drive of my childhood home. I turned the engine off and took a moment to congratulate myself, I had survived a gruelling first year of college, filled with mean remarks, night terrors, being alone and seeing things, not just things but him. I sighed and shook the thoughts from my head it's Christmas, come'on Frank forget it.

I plastered on a fake smile, the same fake smile I used alot now a days and walked up to the front door, the big red door, the paint was peeling and the bronze number 22 was rusting the door looked how felt. I couldn't be fixed by a lick of paint and some polish, though.

It hit me as soon as a walked through the door, the warmth, the smell of food cooking and candles burning and the sound of people talking.. It almost seems like nothing has changed. But of course it has.


2 hours later.

"I'm going to bed guys, goodnight" I told my mother father and little brother, who didn't even look at me, they where too engrossed in a Christmas special of some sort, I smiled to myself over all today had been a good day, I didn’t see anything, I didn’t blackout hell I didn't even have any bad thoughts.

Looking round my house was intoxicating, it filled me with memories. All good ones. My parents did this thing where they never changed the house, most people have a good decorate or a switch round of the furniture. Nope not my parents everything was the same down to the old green carpet littered with old red flowers from 1962.

I was too tired to be sentimental tonight I just walked up my stairs and into my room, and almost cried, nothing had changed not one thing from the Polaroid prints stuck on the walls and The Smiths and Misfit posters pasted all over.

"I always liked your room Frankie" he said softly from behind me.

"I know Gee, we had good times in here" I replied smiling at the memories.

"We did, I miss them" He sighed.

"I do to, I miss you" The first tear, of what I guessed would be many slipped down my cheek.

The silence was painful.

"Gee?" I asked, turned around and there he was, swinging back and forth from a rope, eyes open and emotionless. I closed and opened my eyes and it wouldn't go away, I couldn't see anything from the tears falling thick and fast from my eyes but I still saw him, my dead boyfriend.

"Go away" I murmured, still opening and closing my eyes, but it wouldn't go it wasn’t working.

"GO AWAY" I screamed sobbing at the visual image of my first love swinging life-lessly from a rope.

"Frank, I think its time for bed" my little brother Elliott said softly appering from the doorway leading me to my single bed by the window.

And all in one second it was gone, It was all gone except for me still here crying over nothing.

I let my brother fuss over me, give me pills and water and whatever else, then he left leaving me alone with my own mind which was never good. And that’s when I saw it. A brown paper package with 'Frankie' written on it, in his writing. At first I thought it wasn't real, but I got up and went over to it anyway my bare feet creaking against the cold wood floor.

I picked it up, and stared at it for a while convinced it would disappear. But it didn't so I opened it.

12 tapes fell out, each one numbered and a small note folded up.

I opened the note with shaky hands and blurred vision.

'Dear Frankie, each one of these tapes is a reason to why I killed myself, and one of them is you. I'm sorry. I love you, Gerard'