FicWad

To My Dearest Minho,
Is the sun still shining? Have the fruit trees begun to bear? Does the world still turn? I would not know for, as you are reading this, it is a sure sign that I am no longer breathing the same air as you, not breathing at all. Why did I do it? What drove me to put the barrel beneath my chin and squeeze my finger? You. Minho, you are the reason I am dead, six feet under or well on my way. But how could you have caused this, you did nothing…. That’s exactly it. You. Did. Nothing. All those years I spent by your side, my eyes for none other than you. I stood by your side, in your shadow, watching you love others. As we grew together, you were my big brother. The safety of a sturdy rock, reliable. You were the one that taught me that I could still play on the playground if the big kids were there, to not be afraid of others, stand up for myself. We grew up, together, not apart. You told me, Minho, under the blanket of a dark night’s sky, “Taemin, we’re forever, you know…. Nothing is more important than us. Remember that.” And I did remember, hyung. Every single word.
But it always meant more for me than it did for you.
It was not acceptable. Disgusting. How could a man love another man and still call himself one? You loved so many, Minho, and I watched as each one came and went, fuelled by the hope that it may, one day, have been me that you held in your arms. The one that made you smile. Laugh. I wanted to be that one Minho. I tried to show you. Why did my hand always linger just a little too long on your shoulders? Why were my hugs just a little too tight? Why would my breath catch just a little in my throat every time your eyes held mine?
You have no idea how much I hated you, Minho. I hated you for making me love you. I hated you for loving them and not me. I hate you so much, Minho. I love you.
I spent too long by you before realising what I needed to a long, long time ago. Minho, you would never love me. How could you? But by the time I realised this, it was too late. Too late for me to forget you and simply love another. But that would have always been impossible, Minho. To feel you, to love you and then forget it. Minho, I could never forget you. I couldn’t live my life that way anymore, always by your side, waiting for my Price to realise he loved me too. Because that only happens in movies, Minho. This is real life. You would never come for me and what was the point of staying if all I could do was wait? But no matter how far I would travel, you would always be there and I would always be waiting.
I’m scared now, Minho. I don’t know what comes next. This is my way of forgetting, Choi Minho. Now I can go somewhere where I can wait for you forever, in peace, hoping that one day my Prince will come.
Yours, Always Waiting,
Taemin.
*
My tears dropped, mingling on the page where I knew his had too. The paper shook in my hands, his last words addressed to me. I hate you so much, Minho. I love you. Taemin…. I love you too. I clenched my hand around the ring in my palm. The circle made a mark on my skin. Taemin, if you had waited just a little longer…. I let the engagement ring fall to the ground, knowing I could never use it or another anymore. Because now, the only person whose hand I wished to bear this ring was gone. Forever. Because I waited too long. Unsure and hesitant, I ruined everything.
Taemin was right, though. This is real life. If it wasn’t, I wouldn’t have been too late. Taemin would still be here. His Prince would have come and saved him. But his Prince was too late. Because this is real life and happy endings only happen in the movies.
Somewhere out there, though, my Taemin is waiting for me. I’m not going to disappoint him a second time round. I took the still warm gun and laid it against my temple.
Wait just a little longer, Taemin. Your Prince is coming.