FicWad

This odd, floating euphoria. Yesterday, just floating, it seemed. We were happy, like we haven't been in almost a year. We stayed up most the night, watching saddening videos online, and contemplating a life with an eating disorder, as if deliberately trying to bring ourselves down. We saw so many pictures of our old vice and dare we say it, we almost missed it. We wished we could do it again, go deep enough to fill the sink with blood, splash the floor bright fucking red, deep enough for stitches. We wanted our entire arm covered in stitches and cuts and gauze. We wanted to be so fucking thin we're nothing but a walking skeleton.

Then we caught ourself. Why were we thinking like this?

Why were we deliberately trying to bring ourselves down again? We tried nearly everything in our power to be rid of these problems. Yet they were here until yesterday.

We finally crawled into bed at 4, knowing we needed rest, but our body was too energized to sleep, even though we had just spent over an hour pacing around our house.

We actually ate more than a granola bar that day, and we didn't throw it up. In fact, we ate as much as we normally would in several days. While normally we would have been furious about it, we were actually proud of it. And when those thoughts of developing an eating disorder, and crawling back to our old vice decided to slip into our mind, it seemed like something In our head, yet not us, said with confidence and reassurance, almost like the mother figure that we never had, "You're stronger than this."

The only problem is, the person this voice belonged to had promised to be there for us, yet had abandoned us.

Either way, this feeling of euphoria couldn't last forever. And it didn't.