Categories > Celebrities > My Chemical Romance > Together Burning Bright (Gerard/Mikey Songfic)
I curl into myself, cowering under my duvet. Why won't they believe me? I'm not making it up. I didn't dream it.
“Mikey? Let me in dude”
I ignore him. I have no desire whatsoever to be told I'm just tired, that there's no validity to my thoughts, and that the record is getting to us all. I have no energy to engage in the “Gerard Show”. The knocking continues driving me into insanity.
“Just fuck off! I yell, throwing the nearest object at the door.
“Mike if you don't let me in I'm going to kick the fucker down”
He won't. This is just another example of Gerard being dramatic. I continue ignoring him, distracting myself with the photos on my Sidekick. I skim through them quickly. Pictures of me and Gerard. Me and random people. I scroll quickly to the pictures of me and Alicia. The tears start to fall.
“I miss you Licia. I wish you were here and I wish I could call you. I just want to be with you”
It's dumb really, talking to a picture of my girlfriend. She can't hear me. She can't hear my pleas.
“Mikey open the door!” Gerard demands.
“Fuck off Gerard!” I respond through tears.
“I'm not gonna go away Mikey, quit shutting me out. Just open the door”
“Listen to yourself Gerard! Me Me Me! I yell back, kicking the door with all my force.
“Mikey you're being ridiculous! Just let me in so we can talk about this”
“What is there to talk about!? My life is falling apart! My bandmates think I'm a lunatic! And my brother is selfish arrogant fuckwit!”
I know my words will injure Gerard, knock him offguard, maybe even strike a chord. But as we all know Gerard Arthur Way is never lost for words. There's nothing he loves more than the sound of his own voice.
“I'm selfish am I?!
His words ring through the solid oak door. I can visualise the look on his face. He's snarling, eyes glazed over in a violent rage.
“I don't know how you dare! I don't know how you fucking dare!? You scrawny piece of shit!”
“Just go Gerard” I reply coldly.
“Make me” He threatens. “You honestly think I give a shit about you now!? You're nothing to me Mikey!”
I sit with my back against the door, letting my brother's words sink in. They echo in my ears, each one colliding with my heart. I've blown it.
Goodbye Gerard. You will always be my hero.
My body aches. How long have I been down here? I hurt. Is that blood? My forearms are severely gashed, covered in crimson. What have I done?! What's happened? I crawl to the bed and attempt to pull myself up. My arms are too weak. I can't support my own weight. I try to call out for one of the guys but my throat is dry. My words refuse to be verbalised. The world is fuzzy, grainy and spinning. I can't focus. The world goes black. I hear footsteps. I'm cradled in someone's arms.
“Is he breathing?”
Someone's cold fingers rest against my neck.
“He's got a pulse. He's still with us”
“Come on Mikes. Wake up”
I feel fingers raking through my hair softly. Why can't I wake up? Why can't I see? Are the guys mourning me?
“He's okay Gee. He'll pull through”
“Hold his hand. See if he'll squeeze it”
I feel a calloused hand take mine.
“Squeeze my hand if you can hear me Mikes”
I try squeezing the hand but the pain is too intense. I want to let them know I'm alive. Why is my body disobeying me? Why can't they hear me?
“Come on baby bro. Stay with us.”
That's Gerard! He does care! I try to squeeze his hand again. I'm still met with the same dull numbness. I need a way to show him I'm alive.
“Mikey I'm so sorry baby bro. I'm sorry I made you take your life. I'm sorry I should never have said those horrible things. Know I won't ever forgive myself. I'm so proud of you and I'm sorry I never got the chance to show you. I love you Mikey James Way, I always have and I always will.”
He kisses my forehead, strokes my cheekbones with the pads of his thumbs. I want to respond but I can't. Why can't I?! I can't do this to Gerard. He's been punished enough. I'm not dead! I'm not!
“Gerard let him go”
My brother's grip around me tightens, he's pulling me closer into his chest.
“Mikey!” He screams. “You have to wake up! You have to fight!”
The fingers return to my neck.
“He's got a pulse Gerard. He's not dead”
“Don't say it! Get the fuck away from him! This doesn't concern you guys!”
I need to open my eyes. Are they even closed? What if this place has warped Gerard's mind too? I'll never know.
Hours have passed. I'm still motionless in Gerard's arms. I must be dead. Am I dead? I don't know. All I know is my brother is still cradling my seemingly lifeless body, wordlessly mourning me. What do I do? What if I never get to see Alicia again? What if I never get to tell her how much she means to me? I need to wake up/ I cannot be dead. I can still feel. I can still think. Dead people don't feel do they?
“Please Mikey, please. You have to wake up”
I squeeze Gerard's hand, signalling that I'm still alive and I hear his voice. I don't hurt anymore. I need to focus. I need to open my eyes. I need him to know I'm alive.
“Do that again Mikes. Squeeze my hand if you can hear me”
I squeeze again. I slowly open my eyes, attempting to sit up.
“I'm sorry Gee” I sob
He looks confused.
“I'm sorry I made you worry. I'm sorry I'm so selfish. I'm sorry I'm so dumb. You're my big brother I never should've done that to you”
He puts his arms around me, holding me in a comforting embrace.
“Mikes it's me that should be sorry. I never should've said such cruel things to you. You were right. I am an arrogant selfish fuckwit. I don't deserve to call myself your older brother.”
“I love you Gerard and I don't care what you've done. It's in the past. I've got you back and that's all I care about”
“You're one in a million Mikes you know that?”
He's crying genuine tears, pleased that I'm okay, pleased that I forgive him. I cannot blow this opportunity.
“I'm sorry I hurt you Gee. I'll never hurt you again, I promise”
I look into his eyes and he offers me his hand, I accept with a smile.
“It's in the past baby bro”
“All in the past” I reiterate.
I shouldn't be here. I should be dead. What saved me? Why did I lie to Gerard? I got his hopes up that I wanted to live. I don't. I will do this again. He won't miss me, not really. I was willing to say anything to him to make him not resent me. It meant admitting it was my fault. I failed him. I should leave him. Not out of spite, out of love. I don't want Gerard to blame me. I want him to remember all the good times like I will. A time when he was my world, my hero, all I knew. Before the band, before we met Frank, before we met Bert, before Grandma died. You'd think after everything we've been through together we'd grow closer. It isn't true. Everytime we hit a crisis I see Gerard's true colours, I don't like it. He can't handle the real world. I wish he could. What will he do when I'm gone? I can't tell him. I can't see the look of devastation on his face. I have to go quickly and quietly. I don't want him to see my pain. He'd beg me to stay. I can't. He's better off without me, all I've ever brought him is stress. I don't blame him for drinking, I'd drink too if I had a scrawny useless piece of shit for a brother. It hurts to know I'm the cause. I never wanted it to be this way. I wanted Gerard to be proud of me like I am of him. I wanted him to be proud to call me his little brother. I know he's ashamed of me. I can't blame him. I am an embarrassment. I'm talentless. I don't have anything to offer, not even myself. There is nothing left. I don't deserve Gerard. I need to change. I need to find courage. I need to fight this. Gerard is on my side, I know he is. I have to tell him I don't blame him. I love him, that is all he needs to know. The power of those 3 words will conquer it all.
“Mikey? Let me in dude”
I ignore him. I have no desire whatsoever to be told I'm just tired, that there's no validity to my thoughts, and that the record is getting to us all. I have no energy to engage in the “Gerard Show”. The knocking continues driving me into insanity.
“Just fuck off! I yell, throwing the nearest object at the door.
“Mike if you don't let me in I'm going to kick the fucker down”
He won't. This is just another example of Gerard being dramatic. I continue ignoring him, distracting myself with the photos on my Sidekick. I skim through them quickly. Pictures of me and Gerard. Me and random people. I scroll quickly to the pictures of me and Alicia. The tears start to fall.
“I miss you Licia. I wish you were here and I wish I could call you. I just want to be with you”
It's dumb really, talking to a picture of my girlfriend. She can't hear me. She can't hear my pleas.
“Mikey open the door!” Gerard demands.
“Fuck off Gerard!” I respond through tears.
“I'm not gonna go away Mikey, quit shutting me out. Just open the door”
“Listen to yourself Gerard! Me Me Me! I yell back, kicking the door with all my force.
“Mikey you're being ridiculous! Just let me in so we can talk about this”
“What is there to talk about!? My life is falling apart! My bandmates think I'm a lunatic! And my brother is selfish arrogant fuckwit!”
I know my words will injure Gerard, knock him offguard, maybe even strike a chord. But as we all know Gerard Arthur Way is never lost for words. There's nothing he loves more than the sound of his own voice.
“I'm selfish am I?!
His words ring through the solid oak door. I can visualise the look on his face. He's snarling, eyes glazed over in a violent rage.
“I don't know how you dare! I don't know how you fucking dare!? You scrawny piece of shit!”
“Just go Gerard” I reply coldly.
“Make me” He threatens. “You honestly think I give a shit about you now!? You're nothing to me Mikey!”
I sit with my back against the door, letting my brother's words sink in. They echo in my ears, each one colliding with my heart. I've blown it.
Goodbye Gerard. You will always be my hero.
My body aches. How long have I been down here? I hurt. Is that blood? My forearms are severely gashed, covered in crimson. What have I done?! What's happened? I crawl to the bed and attempt to pull myself up. My arms are too weak. I can't support my own weight. I try to call out for one of the guys but my throat is dry. My words refuse to be verbalised. The world is fuzzy, grainy and spinning. I can't focus. The world goes black. I hear footsteps. I'm cradled in someone's arms.
“Is he breathing?”
Someone's cold fingers rest against my neck.
“He's got a pulse. He's still with us”
“Come on Mikes. Wake up”
I feel fingers raking through my hair softly. Why can't I wake up? Why can't I see? Are the guys mourning me?
“He's okay Gee. He'll pull through”
“Hold his hand. See if he'll squeeze it”
I feel a calloused hand take mine.
“Squeeze my hand if you can hear me Mikes”
I try squeezing the hand but the pain is too intense. I want to let them know I'm alive. Why is my body disobeying me? Why can't they hear me?
“Come on baby bro. Stay with us.”
That's Gerard! He does care! I try to squeeze his hand again. I'm still met with the same dull numbness. I need a way to show him I'm alive.
“Mikey I'm so sorry baby bro. I'm sorry I made you take your life. I'm sorry I should never have said those horrible things. Know I won't ever forgive myself. I'm so proud of you and I'm sorry I never got the chance to show you. I love you Mikey James Way, I always have and I always will.”
He kisses my forehead, strokes my cheekbones with the pads of his thumbs. I want to respond but I can't. Why can't I?! I can't do this to Gerard. He's been punished enough. I'm not dead! I'm not!
“Gerard let him go”
My brother's grip around me tightens, he's pulling me closer into his chest.
“Mikey!” He screams. “You have to wake up! You have to fight!”
The fingers return to my neck.
“He's got a pulse Gerard. He's not dead”
“Don't say it! Get the fuck away from him! This doesn't concern you guys!”
I need to open my eyes. Are they even closed? What if this place has warped Gerard's mind too? I'll never know.
Hours have passed. I'm still motionless in Gerard's arms. I must be dead. Am I dead? I don't know. All I know is my brother is still cradling my seemingly lifeless body, wordlessly mourning me. What do I do? What if I never get to see Alicia again? What if I never get to tell her how much she means to me? I need to wake up/ I cannot be dead. I can still feel. I can still think. Dead people don't feel do they?
“Please Mikey, please. You have to wake up”
I squeeze Gerard's hand, signalling that I'm still alive and I hear his voice. I don't hurt anymore. I need to focus. I need to open my eyes. I need him to know I'm alive.
“Do that again Mikes. Squeeze my hand if you can hear me”
I squeeze again. I slowly open my eyes, attempting to sit up.
“I'm sorry Gee” I sob
He looks confused.
“I'm sorry I made you worry. I'm sorry I'm so selfish. I'm sorry I'm so dumb. You're my big brother I never should've done that to you”
He puts his arms around me, holding me in a comforting embrace.
“Mikes it's me that should be sorry. I never should've said such cruel things to you. You were right. I am an arrogant selfish fuckwit. I don't deserve to call myself your older brother.”
“I love you Gerard and I don't care what you've done. It's in the past. I've got you back and that's all I care about”
“You're one in a million Mikes you know that?”
He's crying genuine tears, pleased that I'm okay, pleased that I forgive him. I cannot blow this opportunity.
“I'm sorry I hurt you Gee. I'll never hurt you again, I promise”
I look into his eyes and he offers me his hand, I accept with a smile.
“It's in the past baby bro”
“All in the past” I reiterate.
I shouldn't be here. I should be dead. What saved me? Why did I lie to Gerard? I got his hopes up that I wanted to live. I don't. I will do this again. He won't miss me, not really. I was willing to say anything to him to make him not resent me. It meant admitting it was my fault. I failed him. I should leave him. Not out of spite, out of love. I don't want Gerard to blame me. I want him to remember all the good times like I will. A time when he was my world, my hero, all I knew. Before the band, before we met Frank, before we met Bert, before Grandma died. You'd think after everything we've been through together we'd grow closer. It isn't true. Everytime we hit a crisis I see Gerard's true colours, I don't like it. He can't handle the real world. I wish he could. What will he do when I'm gone? I can't tell him. I can't see the look of devastation on his face. I have to go quickly and quietly. I don't want him to see my pain. He'd beg me to stay. I can't. He's better off without me, all I've ever brought him is stress. I don't blame him for drinking, I'd drink too if I had a scrawny useless piece of shit for a brother. It hurts to know I'm the cause. I never wanted it to be this way. I wanted Gerard to be proud of me like I am of him. I wanted him to be proud to call me his little brother. I know he's ashamed of me. I can't blame him. I am an embarrassment. I'm talentless. I don't have anything to offer, not even myself. There is nothing left. I don't deserve Gerard. I need to change. I need to find courage. I need to fight this. Gerard is on my side, I know he is. I have to tell him I don't blame him. I love him, that is all he needs to know. The power of those 3 words will conquer it all.
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