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Chapter 15

To Show You Just What I’ve Been Thinking

May 13, 2002

Gerard and Tristan were in the backseat of the van, tangled together in a passionate embrace. Gerard had his hands tracing every curve of her face and body in a struggle to be closer to her. He kept pulling her closer till she was straddling him in the seat. He pulled her closer to where every inch of their bodies was touching. He reached up and tangled his hand in her hair, pulling her face down to his and his other hand was on her waist, steadying her.

They were in the back parking lot of a club, while the rest of the band was inside drinking and partying. They were isolated and steaming up the windows of the van, hoping no one would interrupt them.

Tristan was moaning into every kiss as Gerard kissed from her jaw to her throat in a delicate yet hungry way. She couldn’t take it any longer and neither could he.

Gerard’s heart was racing as his trembling hands unzipped Tristan’s hoodie and discarded it over the seat, without breaking their kiss. Tristan’s hands were underneath Gerard’s shirt feeling every muscle under his taunt skin. Tristan then pulled at the hem of Gerard’s shirt, tugging it up as he raised his arms above his head for her; she discarded it over the seat with her’s.

Gerard broke their kiss enough to look into Tristan’s green eyes that were sparkling with desire and he pulled her shirt off and in one swift motion he pulled them both down into the seat with Tristan on her back and Gerard’s body fell onto her’s. He feverishly kissed her mouth as he groaned against her bare skin. Both were on fire and wanting.

Their lips pushed against each other’s with force and their tongues entwined with a fierce wanting that neither could control. Gerard groaned deep in his throat as Tristan pushed her body closer to his. Tristan’s breath caught when she felt his need pressing against her. She had never been this turned on before but instead of this feeling scaring her it was urging her on. She raised her arms and put them around his neck.

Gerard’s hands traced her arms and found her hands, lacing his fingers in her’s, still aching for more. Gerard took one hand and went for the front clasp of Tristan’s black lacy bra, opening it to reveal her breasts. Gerard’s breath hitched at the sight of her beautiful and half naked beneath him. Tristan could see the desire in Gerard’s smoldering eyes as he bent down again to kiss her swollen lips. Tristan’s breathing quickened as his hand found her breasts in a delicate needing. Tristan ran her hands through his thick dark hair and pushed herself closer to his body, arching into it.

Before Gerard could stop himself his hand traveled further south to her waist band of her jeans; he yanked the button loose and the pulled the zipper down, revealing a pair of black underwear. He then pushed his hand down into her-


Gerard’s eyes flew open and he leaned up off his pillow, “oh fuck,” he breathed as he tried to steady his heart rate. His heart was pounding out of his chest and he was covered in sweat. His hair was mated to his forehead and his sheets were wet.

He looked around his room to find that Tristan was up and nowhere to be seen.

He sighed in relief over not sharing his embarrassment of his little friend that was at attention in his shorts and the evidence of his wet dream still on him. He ran his hands through his wet hair and tried to breathe. “Sweet Jesus, that was a good fucking dream,” he said aloud.

“Who are you talking to?” I asked as I came through the door of the basement from being outside. I had a phone in my hand, and eyed him as he quickly placed a pillow over his lap and sat up on the edge of his bed.

Gerard cleared his throat, “um…no one…”

“Are you sick? You’re all sweaty…” I asked wondering what the hell was wrong with him. What the hell have you been doing?

“N-no,” he stumbled over the word, “Are you done making plans for Pride yet? I mean that shit is later today…” he asked, changing the subject. Don’t think I didn’t notice.

“Everything is settled. All artists came yesterday and dropped off their donated works for the silent auction. Alex sent over bands to rehearse yesterday and we did a run through of the show last night. There were theatrical groups performing, accapella groups, bands, band pictures, band signings all scheduled for the afternoon and tonight. All know when they are supposed to be there. I am the host, so I will be performing with groups, I will be performing with our band, I will be at our signing and pictures and I will be running the show. I also put a waiver on the tickets to say no one under the age of thirteen was allowed because of the adult content of some of the performances and language. I think that’s reasonable, right? I still can’t believe Alex got the amphitheatre in Newark for this and did you know that all the tickets are already sold out? I have passes for your mom. Blaine and Nate are meeting us up there in an hour. I can’t believe they sold over five thousand tickets. That is huge. Bigger than I expected,” I was rambling like a lunatic and Gerard listened. Pride was becoming a huge event and I couldn’t take it.

“Tristan take a breath before you pass out,” he laughed as he spoke.

I smiled and stopped talking. I was over thinking everything.


Nervousness…

Holy fuck am I going to pull this off?

I was pacing the floor of the amphitheatre as one in the afternoon approached, for Pride to begin. Gerard, Mikey, Frank, and Ray were all backstage with all the bands, helping set up and get everybody in order on the schedule. They were my minions. I smiled at the thought.

Blaine and Nate were helping the other performers and groups off the side of the stage.

I stood near the door in black skinny jeans, black boots that were near up to my knees, a dark gray long v-neck tank top with a black half vest and a silver studded belt. I had my long dark hair down in beach curls with a beanie over the back of my head. I was going a bit hipster for this year’s theme. Yes I was going to put themes on it every year. I had a mic around my head, so I walk around with it.

I tapped my fingers against the metal barrier between me and the doorway to the outside world.

There were hundreds of people running around the floor, getting things ready and setting up chairs and tables for various things. The silent auction was in one corner with thirty beautiful pieces of artwork. The band picture station was in another corner and next to it was the band signing tables. Then on the opposite were stations of fake tattoos, jewelry, band merch, and signups for the various groups that would be performing this year, for next year. Then on the other wall was the stage, where all the performances would be with hundreds of chairs set up in the middle of the floor and a pit in the front for the bands that perform. There was sitting for others in the bleachers all around the room.

“Breathe, Trist,” Gerard walked up next to me and smiled. He is so goddamn sexy. He was in a pair of black jeans, white t-shirt, and his leather jacket. I wonder if that thing will hold up on stage, especially with how much he sweats.

I tried to smile and act like I wasn’t nervous.


“Your lipstick, his collar, don’t bother angel, I know what’s going on,” Adam’s voice filled the room and the crowd erupted in a frenzy of motion and cheering.

I was standing off the side of the stage, backstage with Gerard. We were watching Taking Back Sunday perform their set. They were amazing. Our performance had been awesome a couple of hours ago too. Everything was running great. No hiccups yet.

The silent auction was under way and at least a thousand people were out in the crowd or so. I was hosting and had made a speech about equality when people starting arriving. I had performed with Blaine “Dream On” by Aerosmith and the crowd loved it. The groups had been gaining a following over the afternoon hours and were taking even my breath away as they performed their sets. It’s working.

There were people of all ages, races, and sexualities in the crowd; partying together in harmony. I could tell by the look on all their faces that this had been a great idea. Blaine and Nate were ecstatic about the whole operation. I was just happy it was working.

“I didn’t know they were going to be here,” Gerard said as I marked off the last few bands on my clipboard.

“Hmmm, oh they were a last minute replacement. I didn’t know until like an hour ago from Alex and John. They seem to be great with the crowd though,” I answered not meeting his face. It felt like he was staring daggers at me, but I didn’t comment on it.

“Yea they are awesome,” he finally commented before walking off into the crowded floor of the amphitheatre.


A couple hours later.

“Alright you guys are on! Have fun,” I announced to a group of students from New York College of the Arts. They were going to performing a bit from a musical and it looked promising.

I walked out into the sidelines of the floor outside the stage and walked toward the band signing station where Taking Back Sunday was signing autographs and taking pictures with fans.

Adam peeked up from his chair and smiled as I walked up to check on everything. I hadn’t had a chance to talk to him till now. He got up and hugged me when I arrived at the table.

“This has been fantastic! And you look amazing!” Adam said while leaning over and touching my arm. “Mikey told me you did this all by yourself.”

“Well not by myself, but I did have the idea,” I smiled. I took a sip of water before checking the schedule again.

“Well you are amazing and we are so happy to have been invited. Hell I was excited to see you again,” Adam said with a smile. “You guys with Eyeball records?”

He wanted to see me again. Shocker. I nodded. “Yeah, we’re signed with Eyeball. Our record drops in July.”

Adam moved a bit closer. “Cool necklace.” His fingers reached out and lifted the star necklace that Gerard had gotten me for Christmas from my neck.

“Thanks,” I blushed and took another sip of my water. Why do I feel so tongue tied? He’s just Adam.


Across the room Gerard was watching the exchange between Tristan and Adam. As much as he hated the fact he couldn’t make himself stop thinking about her. That dream last night had been too intense and felt real. What was it about her that drew him in? He shook his head angrily. This was stupid. He needed to be a man and make a fucking move and not hold back like he had been doing. He was fucking hot and cold and it was getting old. He was fuming with jealousy as he watched Tristan and Adam flirt. He couldn’t handle this. She wasn’t Adam’s. She was his. Tristan was his and he couldn’t deny his feelings for her. Gerard frowned. Why was this man touching her? He took a sip of his diet Coke and saw Adam move closer Tristan. All right that’s it!


“So, you into music?” Adam asked as he reached out and touched Tristan’s arm again.

“Uh, yeah.” I nodded nervously.

“You like my band?” Now his fingers were lightly caressing my arm.

I loved his band. He knew that. What are you up to? “Well duh.”

Adam laughed, “So a Tristan would you like to-”

“Excuse me.”

I blinked in surprise as Gerard appeared at my side. I jumped. He moved in close enough that Adam dropped his arm. Jesus fucking Christ you scared the hell out of me! What is wrong with you?

“I need to speak to Tristan a minute.” Why? What did I do now?

Before I could even think, Gerard grabbed my arm led me away. He continued to practically pull me along through the crowed. As we neared the backstage door he stopped long enough to take the clipboard from my hands and throw it on the desk. Jesus, violent much? What the hell is wrong with you?

“Hey.” I said. “That was my clipboard.”

“You’ll get it back in a minute,” Gerard said then drags me through the backstage door and into the back lot. He was moving so quickly I stumbled to keep up. Had he not still had a hold of my arm I would have fallen. Gerard pushed open the door and we exited into the cool night air. He didn’t stop until we were away from the building and in the parking lot.

“What the fuck were you doing in there?” He asked angrily. What is up your ass?

I glared at him. “What do you mean? I was talking to someone.”

“The fucker was all over you.” Gerard let go of my arm and pulled out a cigarette. Jealous? Do I detect some jealously here? Really? After all the shit we have been through…I shook my head in disbelief.

Now I was angry. “Excuse me? Adam was just talking to me. He’s a friend. Why do you care? What business is it of yours anyway?” I took a deep breath. I couldn’t take his shit anymore. He didn’t want me, but he didn’t want anyone else to have me either. Am I getting everything here?

For a moment Gerard simply stared at me. This woman could make his blood boil and make his heart race at the same time. He took a deep drag off his cigarette and tried to find the right words.

“Are you going to answer me? Do we have a problem, Mr. Way?” I asked in a mocking tone.

In a flash Gerard tossed his cigarette away and pulled me roughly into his arms. “Yeah, we got a problem,” He said right before his lips came down hard on mine.

I didn’t pull away. How could I? He was responding in a way I didn’t expect and I didn’t want him to stop. He deepened the kiss, his tongue teasing my lips until they opened. I involuntary moaned with pleasure. Gerard’s hands caressed my back as he pulled me even closer. My breath caught when he pushed me against a car in the lot.

Suddenly Gerard broke off the kiss and pushed away from me. I at once felt hurt and embarrassed at how I’d responded to him.

“We gotta get something straight first.” Gerard said in a shaky tone.

“What?” My voice was shaky too. This isn’t going to be good.

He ran his hands through his hair, “Yeah, before this goes any further we gotta set some ground rules.”

I took a step back away from the car and tried to get my emotions under control. “Who said it was gonna go any further?”

Gerard smirked, relaxing in the situation that had been causing him great pain, “Oh Sugar, you can feel it like I can. I just don’t want to rush you into anything or cause issues with your father.”

My jaw dropped. Was he really saying what I think he was saying? Do you want to try to have a relationship? “So just what are hinting at?” I asked trying to remain calm.

Gerard took a deep breath and said, “I think you know.” I stared at him. I was thinking that he might want a relationship. Was that what he was thinking? What are you thinking? “I don’t want you with anyone else,” he breathed, “So I have to take you off the market, right?” he questioned me.

I nodded.

“We have to keep it a secret until we feel everyone out,” Gerard suggested. It made sense. I don’t want trouble. I am already living at the Way house because my father is difficult. I want this, though. I agree.

I nodded and then a smile formed across my lips, “So does this mean that we are…”

Gerard stepped forward, kissed me forcefully, and said against my lips, “Together? Yes we are.” He kissed me again and we both smiled like idiots. I laced my hands in his hair and kissed him again. Then it was like our ages didn’t matter anymore and that all those months of awkward silences and unsaid words just washed away. The New Jersey night sky twinkled with stars that shone bright on us as we relished in the realization of a new found relationship between best friends.

Someone cleared their throat. Gerard and I turned to see Matt standing in the backstage doorway. “Um…Tristan hey, they need you backstage.” The look on his face was strange, like he didn’t approve.

Gerard and I walked up to him hand in hand. Gerard went through the door first and disappeared. I went to walk in when Matt caught my arm, “What the hell do you think you’re doing?” he asked through gritted teeth.

What the fuck!? “What do you mean?” I asked as I yanked my arm away from his grip.

“With Gerard? You know that won’t work, right?” He smirked.

“Just leave me alone, Matt,” I responded as I walked off. What the fuck was his problem? He had no right to touch me!


The night came to a close around ten that night. According to the ticket people over two thousand people attended the festivities. The profits that were going to charity were well over ten thousand dollars. Fucking crazy. Wow!

I was making sure all the people were vacating the building. Gerard, Frank, Jamia, Mikey, Ray, Blaine, and Nate were helping the cleanup crew put all the chairs up and clean up the floor. I got everyone out and went to talking to all the bands and groups about marking their calendars for next year and all were up for it. Fantastic!

“Thanks so much for all your help and making this day a fucking brilliant hit!” I made sure to thank each and every person involved. They are got their stuff and left the building and we did the same, all piling into the band’s van. Blaine and Nate left before us; both of them were bubbling over with gracious feelings and thanking me for the generosity and the idea for Pride.

Ray was driving with Matt in the passenger seat and the rest of us in the back. We were all laughing and joking about stuff while riding back to Belleville.


“Night Mikey,” I weakly said as he vanished up the stairs from the basement after we got home from Pride. Gerard put both of our bags down next to the couch and I placed my guitar case down and fell onto the couch with exhaustion. I can breathe now. It’s over for a year. I did it.

“You tired?” Gerard smirked while taking off his jacket and sitting on his bed to take his shoes off.

“You think?” I sarcastically answered. I kicked my boots off in a fit of I have no idea. I sat up and looked over the back of the couch at him as he took his shoes off. “I wasn’t dreaming tonight, was I?” I asked feeling stupid for even asking. I was totally dreaming. That little exchange did not happen. It was not real. My subconscious was tormenting me.

Gerard chuckled, looking up at me with his beautiful hazel eyes, “No Trist, you weren’t dreaming.” He got up and walked around the couch to stand in front of me.

“So this is real? This is really happening?” I nearly whispered.

Gerard bent down so he was at eye level with me and took my hand, “Tristan…if you only knew how much you mean to me. I can’t hide my feelings for you anymore. I don’t want to either.” He kissed the top of my hand delicately. I smiled.

“So this is our little secret then?” I asked as he sat next to me on the couch and he took my hat off my head.

“Yes, just till we see how everyone would react to us. I don’t want to fuck up and have your father calling the cops on me, ya know? I have no idea how my mother will react. Or Mikey or Frank for that matter; I want to feel them out,” he explained, “but I don’t want to push you away anymore.” I nodded in understanding. Holy shit, this is happening! Finally! Fucking finally!

I leaned my head against his shoulder and he wrapped his arm around my shoulder, pulling me close to him. “I’m tired,” I sleepily said as he ran his hand down my arm in a rubbing motion.

He kissed my hair and grinned against my head.