FicWad

I used to think I knew what I wanted. Everything was black and white and, reflecting on it, I think I attracted these things to me by my pure obsession with them.

What I want isn't enough. I realise control isn't in skin and nerves.
Control is written in blood and tears.
I cannot afford what I want most.

I used to want love that thrived on obsession. My obsession with them turned to a sour, overdue need that can no longer be acceptably satisfied.

I used to want control. But now I no longer crave the baton or staff. Instead I am disillusioned and barely pushing the conversation.

I used to want a crutch and now my needs lie empty. I'm left with a want for a need and a desperation to decide my desires.

Basically, I feel like I've woken up after the past two years being simple desires that now have altered and changed so vastly I barely recognise myself.

Do I want to cut myself? I can't be bothered.
Do I want to kill myself? Not really.
Do I want to abduct a stranger? I can't be bothered.
Do I want to screw everyone I'd of died for? No.
Do I want to hurt anyone? I have no idea.

So who am I now if I'm not an eyes-down, silent plotting, lusty masochist?
I can't look at myself or the situation I've been thrown into the same.
I don't want to talk to strangers, I don't need the thrill.
I don't want to please them. I don't need the approval.

So I'm now left in a life I weaves so intricately that my surroundings know nothing else.
Kinda screwed until this all clears up.

Truth is, I now know happiness.
I can't say I'm happy all the time.
I can't say I don't long for an escape from myself.
Though I can now say I can wake up and have a reason to smile to myself like a smug little cunt. These past few months have been amazing and I can't believe how much my whole life has changed. I feel as if now I'm being thrown into the shit once more.
It's time to clear it out.