Categories > Celebrities > My Chemical Romance > Louder Than Words You'll Never Say
I sat on the couch and stared out the window, thinking about how far we’ve come.
Who ever would have thought a few months ago that we’d be where we are today? Gerard Way, the energetic, brave, extravagant frontman of My Chemical Romance, has an estimated two weeks left to live. In two weeks, everything we’ve ever known will be gone. I still can’t fully comprehend it, but I am no longer trying to deny the reality of it. It doesn’t mean it hurts any less – in fact, it probably hurts more – but I can now look at him, lying in his bed motionless, and know within the deepest spaces of my heart that this is his fate, and it IS happening.
“Ray?” I said; snapped out of my thoughts.
“Yeah?” He replied from the adjacent chair.
“What are we going to do when it… happens?”
His eyes wandered over to the window for a minute before answering.
“I don’t know. We’ll deal with it when it happens.”
“He’s only got two weeks, don’t act like it’s years away.”
“Frank, he’s already dead. There’s nothing left of him; he’s just an empty corpse, forced to stay in this world beyond it’s time. But his time is coming. Soon.” He said, his eyes filling with tears.
“Then why are you pretending like we have time to plan for this stuff? Because we don’t.”
Please, someone, just take him. He’s not meant to be here any longer.
He didn’t answer me, just stared at me with tear-stained cheeks.
“I’m getting used to it.” I said.
“Getting used to what?”
“This new life. It all seems real now.” I explained.
“It was real all along, Frank.”
He smiled and held his arms open for me. I got up from my couch and crawled onto his, embracing his warm hug.
“You’re doing great.” He said. “If he could see you now, he’d be so fucking proud of you.”
“He’ll be able to see us again, one day. And he’ll remember us… everything about us. That’s when he’ll be proud of us.”
“You’re taking it well.” He laughed. “What changed?”
“What part?”
“Last week, when he forgot who you are. You were devastated.”
I think that was what hurt the most.
I think it was the angels; tearing us apart, preparing us for what’s to come.
“It just means he’s one step closer to getting out of this place.” I said. “It’s weird, it’s like he’s gone way too soon… but then not soon enough.”
He pulled me in a tiny bit closer.
“I’m not sure whether you would want to hear this or not, but do you want me to tell you something I’ve been thinking about lately?” He asked.
“Fuck… why not.”
“I think he’s gonna make it longer than two weeks.”
“What… why though?”
“He’s not giving up easily. They said it wouldn’t be a surprise if he went into a coma by now. He can still write you notes, Frank. Barely, but he fucking can.”
“Who are you?”
“You have to trust me, darling.”
“There’s still some life left in him.” He smiled through the tears running down his face. “He’s not gonna go without a fight.”
“S-Sometimes I wish he would.” I cried. “I want him to be perfect again.”
…
I can’t say I’m ready for the day he goes. I’m so not ready. But I think I’ll be able to deal with it. I know he would want me to stay strong and fight until my last breath, and I swear on my life I’ll do just that.
He changed my life. In more ways than one. He made me a new person; a better person. He helped me to discover the me that I had thought was gone for good. He taught me to fight with everything that I am. And then when all this came upon us, he taught me so many things. More than I ever could have imagined.
They say that it’s the worst experiences in life that teach us the most, but I never quite understood how until now. He let me into his heart and soul, without even saying a word. He showed me everything in there, and now it’s with me to stay. He gave me the greatest gift anybody could ever receive. And though I’m not sure exactly what it is, I know that it’s what’s going to keep me going without him.
He’s still gonna be there, in one way or another.
I held his hand in mine and stroked it back and forth. I don’t even know if he can feel me anymore, but I can feel him. He’s there, and that’s all that matters right now. I know that if I don’t do it now, one day it will be too late and I will never forgive myself for not taking the chance when I had it.
These are chances I’ll never have again, for the rest of my life. It’s hard to imagine something so eternal as that, but I can only face the facts. It’s now or never.
“I have so much I never told you, Gee.” I whispered, my tears falling down onto our clasped hands. “I wish you could hear me.”
His empty body lay there like a corpse. Just as Ray said. Quiet, like fallen snow. Frail, like porcelain. Like if I were to squeeze his hand just a tad too tight, I would break him.
“I wish I had told you before how much I love you. I wish I had told you how much you changed me. I wish I had told you how you made my life worth living. Damn it, I would live those years with you over again for the rest of eternity.” I cried. “You were so full of passion and life, and…”
My voice drifted off, and the words inside my mind left my tongue. I wanted to tell him more; everything that he did for me and was to me. But I couldn’t find the words because there were too many.
“I guess you’re always too scared to say the things you want to, until you no longer have the choice.”
I promise I won’t wait until you’re dead to say goodbye. I won’t make that mistake.
I was just about to leave when Mikey came in. He clung to the door frame, like he was too weak to hold himself up.
“Hey, Mikes.” I said, patting the spot on the bed beside me.
He sat down beside me and looked down on Gerard blankly.
“Why isn’t he gone already?” He asked, his voice barely changing tone as he spoke.
“Because he’s a fighter.” I smiled at him.
“He’s already gone, Frank.”
Déjà vu.
“He’s still clinging to life.” I said. “Isn’t it just like him though, to hold on by the few threads he has left?”
“He’s been doing it all his life. Beaten the odds every single fucking time. It’s just that this time, he’s not going to come back. He’s fighting a battle already lost.”
That’s what we thought before.
“Who knows what’s going on in there?” I laughed. “The reason will leave this world with him.”
He took his eyes off Gerard and glanced over at me momentarily.
“I thought he’d pull through. Beat the odds one last time.” He said. “I guess I was only kidding myself.”
“Mikes, there isn’t one of us who can honestly say that we didn’t think that. Sometimes you don’t truly believe something until it slaps you in the face. With a brick.”
“And what were those bricks?”
“Different for everyone. For me, it was when he forgot who I am.”
He nodded his head.
“Funny how that was one of the last things to go.”
“Yeah…” I agreed. “I thought about that before. I don’t know why.”
“We all know why, Frank.”
Should I let myself believe that maybe I meant as much to him as he means to me?
Who ever would have thought a few months ago that we’d be where we are today? Gerard Way, the energetic, brave, extravagant frontman of My Chemical Romance, has an estimated two weeks left to live. In two weeks, everything we’ve ever known will be gone. I still can’t fully comprehend it, but I am no longer trying to deny the reality of it. It doesn’t mean it hurts any less – in fact, it probably hurts more – but I can now look at him, lying in his bed motionless, and know within the deepest spaces of my heart that this is his fate, and it IS happening.
“Ray?” I said; snapped out of my thoughts.
“Yeah?” He replied from the adjacent chair.
“What are we going to do when it… happens?”
His eyes wandered over to the window for a minute before answering.
“I don’t know. We’ll deal with it when it happens.”
“He’s only got two weeks, don’t act like it’s years away.”
“Frank, he’s already dead. There’s nothing left of him; he’s just an empty corpse, forced to stay in this world beyond it’s time. But his time is coming. Soon.” He said, his eyes filling with tears.
“Then why are you pretending like we have time to plan for this stuff? Because we don’t.”
Please, someone, just take him. He’s not meant to be here any longer.
He didn’t answer me, just stared at me with tear-stained cheeks.
“I’m getting used to it.” I said.
“Getting used to what?”
“This new life. It all seems real now.” I explained.
“It was real all along, Frank.”
He smiled and held his arms open for me. I got up from my couch and crawled onto his, embracing his warm hug.
“You’re doing great.” He said. “If he could see you now, he’d be so fucking proud of you.”
“He’ll be able to see us again, one day. And he’ll remember us… everything about us. That’s when he’ll be proud of us.”
“You’re taking it well.” He laughed. “What changed?”
“What part?”
“Last week, when he forgot who you are. You were devastated.”
I think that was what hurt the most.
I think it was the angels; tearing us apart, preparing us for what’s to come.
“It just means he’s one step closer to getting out of this place.” I said. “It’s weird, it’s like he’s gone way too soon… but then not soon enough.”
He pulled me in a tiny bit closer.
“I’m not sure whether you would want to hear this or not, but do you want me to tell you something I’ve been thinking about lately?” He asked.
“Fuck… why not.”
“I think he’s gonna make it longer than two weeks.”
“What… why though?”
“He’s not giving up easily. They said it wouldn’t be a surprise if he went into a coma by now. He can still write you notes, Frank. Barely, but he fucking can.”
“Who are you?”
“You have to trust me, darling.”
“There’s still some life left in him.” He smiled through the tears running down his face. “He’s not gonna go without a fight.”
“S-Sometimes I wish he would.” I cried. “I want him to be perfect again.”
…
I can’t say I’m ready for the day he goes. I’m so not ready. But I think I’ll be able to deal with it. I know he would want me to stay strong and fight until my last breath, and I swear on my life I’ll do just that.
He changed my life. In more ways than one. He made me a new person; a better person. He helped me to discover the me that I had thought was gone for good. He taught me to fight with everything that I am. And then when all this came upon us, he taught me so many things. More than I ever could have imagined.
They say that it’s the worst experiences in life that teach us the most, but I never quite understood how until now. He let me into his heart and soul, without even saying a word. He showed me everything in there, and now it’s with me to stay. He gave me the greatest gift anybody could ever receive. And though I’m not sure exactly what it is, I know that it’s what’s going to keep me going without him.
He’s still gonna be there, in one way or another.
I held his hand in mine and stroked it back and forth. I don’t even know if he can feel me anymore, but I can feel him. He’s there, and that’s all that matters right now. I know that if I don’t do it now, one day it will be too late and I will never forgive myself for not taking the chance when I had it.
These are chances I’ll never have again, for the rest of my life. It’s hard to imagine something so eternal as that, but I can only face the facts. It’s now or never.
“I have so much I never told you, Gee.” I whispered, my tears falling down onto our clasped hands. “I wish you could hear me.”
His empty body lay there like a corpse. Just as Ray said. Quiet, like fallen snow. Frail, like porcelain. Like if I were to squeeze his hand just a tad too tight, I would break him.
“I wish I had told you before how much I love you. I wish I had told you how much you changed me. I wish I had told you how you made my life worth living. Damn it, I would live those years with you over again for the rest of eternity.” I cried. “You were so full of passion and life, and…”
My voice drifted off, and the words inside my mind left my tongue. I wanted to tell him more; everything that he did for me and was to me. But I couldn’t find the words because there were too many.
“I guess you’re always too scared to say the things you want to, until you no longer have the choice.”
I promise I won’t wait until you’re dead to say goodbye. I won’t make that mistake.
I was just about to leave when Mikey came in. He clung to the door frame, like he was too weak to hold himself up.
“Hey, Mikes.” I said, patting the spot on the bed beside me.
He sat down beside me and looked down on Gerard blankly.
“Why isn’t he gone already?” He asked, his voice barely changing tone as he spoke.
“Because he’s a fighter.” I smiled at him.
“He’s already gone, Frank.”
Déjà vu.
“He’s still clinging to life.” I said. “Isn’t it just like him though, to hold on by the few threads he has left?”
“He’s been doing it all his life. Beaten the odds every single fucking time. It’s just that this time, he’s not going to come back. He’s fighting a battle already lost.”
That’s what we thought before.
“Who knows what’s going on in there?” I laughed. “The reason will leave this world with him.”
He took his eyes off Gerard and glanced over at me momentarily.
“I thought he’d pull through. Beat the odds one last time.” He said. “I guess I was only kidding myself.”
“Mikes, there isn’t one of us who can honestly say that we didn’t think that. Sometimes you don’t truly believe something until it slaps you in the face. With a brick.”
“And what were those bricks?”
“Different for everyone. For me, it was when he forgot who I am.”
He nodded his head.
“Funny how that was one of the last things to go.”
“Yeah…” I agreed. “I thought about that before. I don’t know why.”
“We all know why, Frank.”
Should I let myself believe that maybe I meant as much to him as he means to me?
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