FicWad

I wrote a goodbye note in lipstick on your arm
When you passed out

Watching Pete and Mikey interact is sickening. The cute little crush filled smiles sending me painful twinges of self hate. Their eyes full of adoration for each other, making me want to rip my own out. The little fits of giggles Mikey gets into whenever he’s around Pete, which sound like the equivalent of nails on a chalkboard to me.

I couldn't bring myself to call
Except to call it quits

The way they cuddle nonstop and are constantly all over each other. The way they kiss in front of Gerard, grinning wickedly as he glares at them. Gerard doesn’t like Pete. He thinks he’s a bad influence. I typically just nod and agree to whatever he’s saying, because since Pete and Mikey have become fixated with each other, I have no one to hang out with.

Best friends
Ex-friends till the end

Mikey’s a nice guy, really. If the circumstances were different, he and I could probably end up being good friends. But there’s no change of that now. Not now that he’s kissed Pete and done things to him that I’ve only ever imagined. Not now that Pete’s calling Mikey his best friend. His best friend. I thought I was his best friend. Not going to lie, that hurt me more than the things they do to each other a bunk above me.

Better off as lovers
And not the other way around

If I didn’t feel so replaceable then perhaps this wouldn’t hurt quite as much. I’ve delt with Pete’s flings before. That’s what this is. Just a summer fling. It has to be. I can’t let myself think it will be more than that. After this tour is over, they’ll forget all about each other. Maybe Pete will even realize he forgot about me.

Racing through the city
Windows down

I’ve been hanging out with Bob Bryar a lot now. He’s quiet like me, but oddly enough the two of us talk quite a lot. Pete keeps teasing me, saying Bryar’s got a crush, but I know that isn’t true. Bob’s just a friend, and neither of us want more than that. He knows how I feel about Pete too. Sobbing on the sidewalk isn’t exactly the best way to hide you’re a victim of unrequited love.

In the back
Of yellow checkered cars

Gerard’s been drinking and taking a wide assortment of drugs this tour. Despite my unjust hate for Mikey, sympathy pulls at my heartstrings when I notice the tears in his eyes. I even hugged him once, to which he froze in shock. I guess I haven’t hidden my dislike for him well. But after a short hug and awkward exchange, Pete scooped Mikey into his arms and they went to the FOB bus. I went to MCR’s.

Come hell or high water
Well I'm feeling hot and wet

I’ve been losing my temper much easier than usual. Pete’s grins and playful teases result in a harsh glare and even harsher words. Mikey walks within fifty feet of me, and I hate the world. I’ve even snapped at Bob a few times. I don’t know what’s happening to me. I just don’t want to hurt anymore.

I can't commit to a thing
Be it heart or hospital

I drank with Gerard last night. That’s the only think I remember. But I was filled in by Bob, and I was bad. I was mean to Mikey. I usually just ignore him, but drink in hand, I decided to verbalize it. He was fretting about Gerard and apparently I made him feel at fault. I said that if he wasn’t too busy sucking Pete off, if he’d come up for air, maybe he’d notice his brother needed help. I said worst to Pete.

Best friends
Ex-friends till the end

Pete and I aren’t okay. We’ve never had this much of a strain on our friendship. I’m scared. I’m really terrified. We won’t speak to each other. I want to talk to Pete. I want to hug him and tell him I’m sorry. I would get on my hands and knees and beg for his forgiveness. I just want to be his best friend again. I know it won’t be more and I was selfish for wanting otherwise. I don’t want to tell him I love him. I don’t. And I can stop loving him.

Better off as lovers
And not the other way around

I want to drink again. I don’t want to feel. And I don’t want to remember the current grope fest before my eyes. Gerard is fucked up and Frank is having a hard time of it. I never really paid attention before, but I think they love each other. Frank is the only person Gerard talks to anymore, and you can see the tole it’s taking on the guitarist. His usual hyperactive four year old personality is gone. Now he’s the adult for Gerard. I’m almost glad Mikey has Pete as a distraction from watching his older brother fall apart.

Racing through the city
Windows down

I saw Mikey cry today. He was curled up back stage, hugging his knees and sobbing, hardly able to breathe. I thought about finding Pete for him. He’d know how to make the lanky bassist smile. But he looked like he might pass out, so I sat beside him and rubbed his back. I apologized for every foul thing I’ve said to him. I assured him, Gerard’s downward spiral wasn’t his fault at all. By the end of it, I had a lapful of a sobbing Mikey, clinging to me as he cried. I didn’t mind as much as I thought I would. It was nice, being someone to cry on.

In the back
Of yellow checkered cars

Pete and I are talking again. He was impressed I helped Mikey. So now the three of us are sitting in Starbucks. I’m still jealous, but I won’t show it. Mikey needs this. He needs Pete, and he needs me to be okay with it for while it lasts. So I will. I’ll accept that this is what Mikey needs. My own feelings on the back burner for now, probably forever.

The tombstones were waiting
They were half-engraved

Hanging out with Pete and Mikey has a lot of disadvantages, I’ve noticed. When I was with Bob or Gerard, I didn’t notice the two of them being so cuddly. But now it’s a constant. Pete and Mikey holding hands. Pete and Mikey exchanging those sickening Valentine’s day, cliche, romance movie glances. Pete and Mikey kissing at random. It’s starting to kill me, I think.

They knew it was over
Just didn't know the date

I’ve been hanging out with Bob again. He listened to me sob childishly as I told him how much it hurt to see them together. That I love Pete, and I love Mikey(in a different way), but I hate PeteandMikey. He frowned as I cried and hugged me. He suggested I distance myself from them a bit and I’ll be okay.

And I cast a spell over the west to make you think of me
The same way I think of you

Pete keeps asking why I’m avoiding him. I told him I’m not, I’ve just been playing drums with Bob. Which is half true, Bob and I have been playing drums together. I’ve gotten pretty good at some MCR songs. The lie half of it, is that I am avoiding Pete. Because when there’s Pete, there’s Mikey. And it hurts me too much. I haven’t eaten properly in a month.

This is a love song in my own way
Happily ever after below the waist

Mikey knows. It’s near the end of the tour now and I’ve kept it hidden for so long. But now he knows. He and Pete were kissing and talking about how they’re best friends and I was sitting across the room with Bob, not missing a word of their conversation. Mikey didn’t miss my tear glossed eyes when I stormed to my bunk. He went to Bob, asking if he knew. Bob isn’t fond of gossip, but he’s also honest.

Best friends
Ex-friends till the end
Better off as lovers

Now Mikey puts a distance between Pete and himself whenever I’m in the room. I’m grateful for his attempt, but Pete generally pouts and gets all the kisses he wants from the weak-kneed bassist. I feel guilty now that Mikey knows, because now Mikey’s becoming more involved with his brother. That sounds like a good thing, but I think it’s killing him.

Best friends
Ex-friends till the end
Better off as lovers
And not the other way around
Ex-friends till the end
Better off as lovers

The last night of the tour, Pete and Mikey are inseparable. They promise to keep in contact as I watch each of their hearts break just a little bit. I spend the last night curled up in Bob’s bunk, trying not to think about what Pete and Mikey are doing in Pete’s. When I wake up, Gerard is sipping coffee. He’s promised to get sober. He’s doing well so far. I hope he keeps it up. Drunk as he might’ve been though, he too knows about my feelings about Pete. He gives me a sympathetic hug as his brother hugs the man I love tight, pecking his lips ever so often. Why does it hurt to see them hurt when they’re hurting me?