FicWad

I woke up the next morning feeling horrible.
Horrible where I felt like I was rotting from the inside out. Imagine how Brendon feels about me now. He probably wants to hurt me, wants to kick me, wants to do anything to screw me over.
And I think about how much I must have hurt him. I just kicked him out, with no explanation. I actually just wanted to kick Dallon out but Brendon had hurt me too, Brendon was letting this disgusting guy touch him and he was enjoying it too.
There was no help for him.
Maybe Brendon would just go get married to this guy and I’d never see them again.
I imagine a world without Brendon in it and then there are tears dripping from my eyes without my consent.
How am I supposed to do this? I don’t understand.
It’s been months and months and the feelings haven’t dissolved. It’s been months and this Dallon character is still swanning his way through my life, ruining everything in his path.
Imagine if Dallon had never appeared?

I would have kissed Brendon, that night. Then the next day, we would be cuddled, and he’d wake up – he’d be able to taste my lips from the previous night and he’d need to be fulfilled. And we’d kiss again. And again and again. He’s put his legs over mine and push his tongue against mine and press his teeth against my neck – and make me make those noises that Dallon makes, except – they’ll be real.
Because afterwards I’ll fall back beside him, and he’ll wrap one of his arms around me, letting me snuggle into his neck. He won’t care that he’s naked, and I won’t care either, because it’ll only be each other, and no one else. And we’ll have to cuddle real close because the winter cold breeze will come in through the crack in the window, but we’ll be fine, just fine on our own, because we have each other.
But that would be a perfect world and my world is anything but perfect.

No one bothered me for a week after that. I essentially lived in that bed, writing songs and playing guitar, pretending I didn’t exist.

Fingertips pushing up and Sweat
dripping across your lips
wet tears falling fast
tongues trailing up your hips and past

tell me how you loved me then
how you never loved me now
how he’s all your ever thinking of and
he always tells you when

now I think I’m in love, I’m in love, I’m in love
I’m head over heels, head, head over heels
Smack me in the cheeks, and crush, crush my heart
Now tell tell me just how it feels

Play me a sorrowful tune on
My, heart, strings
Tell me what you want to do and just
Make my heart sing (make my heart sing)

But it never, ever ever would be me.

“Ryan?” There was a tiny, recognizable voice. “Please let me in.”
“Is Dallon with you?” I hissed.
“No,” The voice replied, gently. “Please, let me in.”
I wandered up to the door and opened it, Brendon standing there with wet, round eyes, looking completely and unfairly beautiful. Just when I thought I might be getting over him. He held out his arms and I immediately fell into them, clinging to his chest as he shut the door behind him. He sat me down on the bed and continued to cradle me.
“What’s wrong, Ry?” He asked, sweetly. “I’m sorry if I’ve upset you, I really am.” I almost let out an audible cry. I couldn’t tell him – he hasn’t done anything wrong and he would hate himself.
“Nothing, just – um, family stuff.” I mumbled. “I like having my bed too, but that wasn’t that big a deal..” He hugged me again, tightly.
“I thought I’d upset you,” Brendon sighed, cuddling me close to his chest. “I felt really awful. We haven’t talked in ages, and I’ve missed my best friend.” I was silent for a few moments, shutting my eyes and breathing in deeply.
“I’ve missed you too.” I finally responded, leaning against him. “I’m guessing.. You’re moving out.” Brendon sighed against my ear.
“Yeah, Dallon found it a little weird that we slept in the same bed,” Brendon touched my cheek. “I’ll miss it though.” He giggled, playfully. I failed to respond and he lay me back down, patting my shoulder. “I’ll leave you to sleep.” He whispered.

Brendon returned later that night. I was lied in his side of the bed, and he stumbled in, falling into his own side, partly on top of me. I breathed in sharply at the smell of alcohol and I was already hurting. But then he shifted a little and put a hand on the back of my neck, and brought me up to his lips. I caught him and he shifted, straddling his legs over my hips and kissing me deeply, pushing his tongue against the roof and cheek of my mouth.
I let out a soft moan and bucked my hips up to meet his, feeling disgusting and overwhelmed with the taste of poison but too enveloped in the kiss to possibly stop. His hand ran down my chest, pausing at my hip and tucking his fingers into my waistband. I gasped and put my hand over his, pulling it back. I couldn’t let him do that, not in the state he’s in.
His kisses were more aggressive now and his hands were touching up against my hips, and then his teeth pressed against my neck, and I had to wriggle. I had to wriggle out of his grip because it hurt to know if he was aware he was doing this, he’d be disgusted.
I pulled away and landed back on my side, and Brendon was aware of the loss. He opened up his arms a little, offering a cuddle.
I took it.
I crawled up in his arms, willing to get any affection I could.


The next morning Brendon woke up, but he didn’t move away from me. I found myself with sore eyes, and red, puffy cheeks. Brendon frowned as he looked at me, incredibly close to him.
“Why are you crying?” He asked, his hand brushing down my hair. I stared at him, unsure of what was happening.
“Uh, I don’t know, I don’t know.” I mumbled, shaking my head. I paused, sucking in my bottom lip. “Shouldn’t you be – uh, with Dallon?”
Brendon blinked and swallowed guiltily. He dropped me and stood up, ashamedly. “Yeah, I guess so.” He mumbled, pulling his shirt off.
“What are you..?”
He threw his shirt in my direction and opened the door, sneaking out of the apartment. I cradled the shirt in my hands, breathing in the familiar smell and lying back.
What did he just do?