FicWad

Control is the way we convince ourselves that everything is okay, that we can make things better for ourselves, and for others. It allows us to gain hope about impossibilities and to cherish our days, to use them wisely because it makes us think that we therefore have control over them. We think, in our puny little human brains, that if we choose to jump off of a cliff, and its out choice, then that means that we have absolute control. But who planted the idea in your head? Who made you think that you could do it anyway? Who made you feel so shit about yourself that you had to? Why did you do it... To gain control? We are so wrapped up in thinking about ourselves that we don't notice the people around us. That is why we think that we have control, because we think that the decisions we make are our own, others do not factor into our decisions. Why? What makes us think like this? Everything we do is determined by some unknown force, you think that you want do it in order to gain control, but what is the reason you need to gain control? And what has made you think that you have none?

Or should I say who?

I had never known how To gain control over my life until December of 2010. The first time I cut. I had never felt such a release, such control over my emotions. I Continued to do this to myself, to slice up my own body over and over again, I just didn't know how to stop. The crimson blood trickling down my skin seemed so beautiful. I was addicted to the pain, to how fucking perfect it was. The self loathing was inviting, and I needed it to survive.
I couldn't seem to face all the problems. All the people that seemed to hate my guts for no fucking reason. The parents that wanted to kill each other and made that something i had to know. Being forced to choose sides in drunken arguments. Going to school and having to deal with how cruel people can be. I began to build up my own walls, I couldn't feel emotion and the phrase 'we bleed just to know we're alive' finally became clear. The pain was all I had left, without it I was alone to think. Thinking was dangerous but the pain consumed my mind and so everything seemed okay.

But then I began to feel guilty, every time I looked at my body I would break down, all my control would be gone and I'd just cry. I didn't know how to stop and frankly I just didn't want to. I wanted to die, just die so all the pain would go away. Then one day, in P.E, a girl in my class saw my thigh. She saw all the fresh cuts. I remember so vividly her laughing at me, I was just a 'filthy little emo'. 'You must listen to My Chemical Romance' She said, 'I bet you cut yourself to the black parade' She said. The very next day everyone in the school found out and the one friend I had left me. I was all alone again. But I really didn't have any idea who you were, sure I'd heard about you being on tour with some of my favorite bands but that's about it. Not a second glance. So later that night I typed those three words into the youtube search engine, those three words would change my life forever. 'My Chemical Romance Famous Last words Official video' I clicked on the link. I had never heard anything so beautiful, I felt such a release. It was better than the razor against my skin and for once in my life I felt happy. I kept myself up all night listening to every song I could find. I brought all the albums, and I watched all the interviews. I had never in my life felt as good as I did that night, I found a way to just let go.

I don't know what my life would be like if it wasn't for that day in P.E, and I don't want to imagine it. Everything good in my life has been because of you, the fact that i'm still alive is because of you. There will never be a exact way to thank you. No words will ever be enough and so I doubt I will ever send this but I just wanted you to know that my chemical romance will forever live in my heart and that i owe you my life.

I just wanted to say thankyou.




As I said, I'm there for anyone who needs to talk just email me, ibcd@live.co.uk