FicWad

The door closed behind Brendon, and I sank to the floor, desperately clinging to the notion that things might just be okay.

As my fingers gently fell across the place I’d been slapped that notion disappeared.

It wasn’t the first time Brendon had hit me, but it was the first time I’d actually been afraid of him. The anger in his eyes had been uncontrolled, and the way he looked at me when I talked about Spencer… it had been terrifying.

I knew I crossed the line, but so did he.

Why did I have to keep pushing? Why did I have to bring Spencer up at all? I’d pushed him to it, and now we had a whole new set of problems.

I couldn’t help but feel at fault for this one.

With a deep breath I clicked on Spencer’s name, waiting for my phone to connect me. Somehow I sounded natural, even calm. “Hi.” I smiled, and I could hear it in my voice but it was fake.

“Hi.” Spencer replied, softly.

“Should I be mad?” I asked, though I wasn’t. Not at Spencer anyway.

Spencer chuckled. “Well, I don’t know, are you?”

I shook my head, but he couldn’t see and so I forced myself to speak. “I’m grateful. You did what I couldn’t do.” It was the truth. The awful truth. I’d been hiding away at this motel room, hoping that the world would continue on, hoping that my issues with Brendon would solve themselves.

It was time for action, and Spencer had started what I couldn’t and now I had to do whatever I had to do to get custody of Adam. I would fight for my son.

My tears dried, as I silently vowed not to cry anymore.

Getting hysterical wasn’t helping anyone, especially not me.

Spencer sighed. “I’m sorry it came to this Kacy.”

I steeled myself for the emotions that came with that statement. We’d gone too far. I’d slept with Spencer. Brendon filed for full custody. I had a lawyer now, and I was preparing to legally battle him for a child we had both brought in to this world. The emotions brought along with all that had been happening had been enough to bring me to my knees just this morning, but not now. I couldn’t be weak anymore.

“So, I’m in a pretty shitty motel room…” I looked around, knowing I couldn’t hide out here for much longer. “Think you have some room for a temporary house guest?” It wasn’t the most brilliant move, but it was the only one I currently had.

“It doesn’t have to be temporary.” Spencer replied.

“Until I get my shit together… everything is temporary.” I informed him.

Spencer chuckled, “You’re starting to sound better Kacy… almost stronger.”

“I’m starting to feel better.” I admitted, as I continued to gaze around the room. The trash from the dinner Brendon and I had shared, and the ruffled sheets.

At that moment I felt that something was different, and I couldn’t immediately place my finger on it, but if I tried hard enough it wouldn’t be too hard to realize that… I was shutting down, because Brendon had finally done it.

He’d broken my heart. Before had simply been fractures. This time it was for real. This time it wouldn’t be easily forgotten, nor easily mended.

And now I was in full fight mode.



**



“What about finances?” Mr. Linton asked, as he slid another document towards me. “As his wife you are entitled to-”

I cut him off, vaguely remembering a conversation I’d previously had with Brendon. “I signed a prenup.” It was weird how hard things were to remember after getting my memories back. It was like my head was overcrowded now, or maybe that was just what happened when faced with a divorce.

Mr. Linton nodded. “I’ll take a look over it. There are always loopholes.”

I grimaced at the way he said it. It was like I was intentionally trying to take Brendon for all he was worth or something and that wasn’t it at all. I just didn’t want to lose Adam, and without anything… well, Brendon would be the logical choice and so- I would have to take what I could get.

“Thank you.” I stood up, signifying that the conversation was over.

Mr. Linton stood as well. “Thank you for your time Mrs. Urie. I’ll go over that paperwork and give you a call tomorrow morning. We’ll see what we have to work with.”

I nodded at him, finding I’d ran out of things to say.

He didn’t seem to mind as he led himself out of the room. I heard Spencer say something to him, and then the front door opened, and closed.

Spencer walked in, yawning. “What’s the verdict?”

“He needs to go over the pre-nup that I signed.” I replied.

Spencer nodded. “I remember… wasn’t Brendon against you signing that?”

I groaned, “Don’t remind me. It’s just another mistake to add to the list.”

Spencer chuckled. “Don’t be so hard on yourself.”

“Have you eaten yet?” I asked, shrugging the statement off. I’d been thinking long and hard about all of the choices I’d made, including the choice to go on tour with Brendon and forfeit furthering my education. It was kind of hard not to take that hard, but I liked to think that I didn’t show it.

Spencer saw right through me though. He always could, so I had no idea why it came as such a surprise each time.

“Nope.” Spencer answered. “I just woke up.”

“Want me to make you breakfast?” I offered.

“I wouldn’t object.” Spencer replied, with a grin.

“What will it be?” I asked, smiling in return.

Things had been easy between Spencer and myself. He didn’t push. We hadn’t kissed, hadn’t touched… We were just living together. He gave me space when I needed it, and he helped me think through situations that left me feeling helpless.

He made me feel sane, despite all of the stress surrounding my current predicament. In all honesty, he had become my strength. He helped me in ways I never could have helped myself. I was too foolish to see what he saw so clearly.

“Pancakes?” Spencer asked.

“I can make pancakes.” I agreed.

Spencer followed me to the kitchen, as I started making preparations for breakfast. “So, when is Adam coming back?”

“My mom and him will be back at her place by Thursday so, I was going to pick him up Friday night.” I replied. I missed Adam. He’d been gone for too long. I wasn’t used to being away from him.

“Brendon and you already talk about the pick up and where he is going?” Spencer inquired.

I felt knots in my stomach. “Brendon doesn’t know when they will be back yet. I haven’t… haven’t called him yet.” I admitted. “I meant to last night but…” I tried to think of a legitimate excuse but came up blank. “Honestly I just wanted to enjoy my night.”

Spencer laughed. “Nothing wrong with being honest. Are you going to call him today?”

“I think after breakfast I will head over, you know, talk to him in person.” It seemed like the right thing to do. We hadn’t talked since our motel experience, in which he ended the night with a bang… right across my face. I hadn’t told Spencer. I knew how he’d react. Thankfully I didn’t even have a bruise to cover. Brendon hadn’t hit me that hard.

Spencer nodded. “Want me to go with?”

I laughed. “We both know that’s a bad idea.”

Spencer laughed, as well. “You’re right. He hates me more than he hates you.”

“I’m not so sure about that.” I replied, but I didn’t really care. It had gone beyond hate. Adam had been dragged in to the situation, and so now I really just didn’t care how Brendon felt about me.

Spencer bit in to an apple, as I stirred the pancake mix. “He doesn’t hate you.”

“It doesn’t matter.” I replied.

Spencer shrugged. “Ryan wants you to call him.”

“Why’s that?”

“Guess some movie is playing right now, and he doesn’t want to go alone.” Spencer answered.

“You wouldn’t go with him?” I asked.

“Not a chance.” Spencer replied, grinning.

Things actually kind of felt normal.



**



Brendon opened his door, and though he’d been about to say something the words seemed to die on his lips, which he nervously licked.

“Hi.” I gazed at him, keeping my emotions at bay.

I needed to be here. As messy as our romantic life had become… we still had a child together, and we still needed to talk and handle the situation like adults.

“Kacy.” Brendon pushed the door open further and stepped aside.

I hesitated before walking past him, stopping at the mess of the living room.

“When’s the last time you ate some actual food?” I asked, as I gazed at the trash from various fast food establishments. It wasn’t like I looked down on it… I got plenty of Taco Bell cravings, but to eat nothing but that? It wasn’t healthy. Brendon wasn’t looking all that healthy. He had bags under his eyes, and scratches all over his hands… probably from all of the shattered picture frames. It seems what I didn’t break, he did.

“Well, I haven’t exactly been downing Windex.” Brendon replied, as he leaned against the doorway that arched in to the living room.

“Are you hungry?” I asked, itching to pick up the mess. This had been my home. I’d taken pride in keeping it clean and nice for Adam… and for Brendon. Now it wasn’t. I had to back off, and learn to be something other than a housewife.

Brendon stared at me, without answering. After a challenging couple of minutes he spoke. “Why are you here, Kacy?”

Fuck it. I started gathering random pieces of trash all around the coffee table, and shoved it in to one of the fast food bags. I was surprised there weren’t flies from the left out food, but I figured it was just a matter of time. “We need to talk about Adam.”

“Our lawyers are handling it.” Brendon answered, coldly.

I dropped the bag and looked up. Brendon’s eyes hadn’t left me since I arrived on the front porch. I couldn’t read his expression. I steeled myself for the harsh way I’d have to act around Brendon. He chose for it to be this way, after all. Right before the words I meant to speak came out, I crumbled a little. “Why are you being so cold, Brendon?” It hurt to have him look at me like that, and I was plenty strong when I was dealing with a lawyer… but to see Brendon like this, to feel this- this total disconnect with someone. No, not just someone… the someone that I was still technically married to. It hurt.

“We’re going through a divorce.” Brendon replied, still staring. “I don’t imagine many divorces are cuddly.”

“But you-” I paused, considering whether or not I wanted to go down this road. Honesty was one thing, but I was laying my heart out for Brendon here. Again. “You make it seem like I did, like I did something wrong.” I took a deep, painful breath.

Brendon just stared.

I knew Brendon better than that though, and I knew something was wrong. Something new. I was confused, but I wasn’t completely in the dark. “You were the one that hit me, Brendon.” I whispered, but the words came out clearly.

Brendon flinched, as if I’d hit him but such payback had never even crossed my mind.

I watched him, waiting. I wasn’t sure what I was waiting for, and after a few minutes of silence I almost stopped waiting and just left.

Instead Brendon straightened, taking a few careful steps in to the destroyed living room. He was still watching me, and I was still watching him. “Are you okay?” He finally asked.

“I-” Was I? Was I really? I could lie and tell him I was fine. I could redirect the conversation. I could pretend it was polite curiosity, but I knew it wasn’t. Brendon really wanted to know. So, was I okay? “I’m holding on.”

“To what?” Brendon breathed out.

“Myself?” I asked out loud, testing out the answer. “I’m not sure Brendon. Holding on to feeling okay, because if I start to not feel okay… well then-” I stopped abruptly.

“Then you really won’t be okay.” Brendon finished for me.

I nodded.

“So, for now we just fake it?” Brendon asked.

“I guess so.” I responded.

“I don’t know how.” Brendon commented.

“I don’t either.” I admitted.

“You seem to be doing just fine.” Brendon responded.

“Guess I’ve learned then.” I confided. “Because I sure as hell don’t feel fine.”

“I don’t either.” Brendon whispered.

“This is more than the divorce, Brendon.” I’d been worried, up late at night thinking about it… and to hell with being strong, I needed to talk to him about it. I needed to help him, even if it didn’t help me get over him. “Something is wrong with you.”

Brendon rolled his eyes. “That’s kind of a kindergarten insult, now isn’t it?”

I couldn’t help but chuckle, even though the situation was far from funny. “Remember the first time you hit me?” My tone became serious at once, and so did Brendon’s.

“I’ll never forget.” He answered.

“I did.” I answered, shaking my head. “I was a fool to forget, but I did.”

I let myself remember that night, though the details stayed at the edge of my mind. Brendon had gotten drunk. He had gotten angry. We fought, but not about anything serious. I snapped at him, said something, something stupid. It was all so vague in my mind… all of it except- except for the part where Brendon had backhanded me. He had instantly starting apologizing, and the regret on his face had been real. I apologized before I even realized what had happened, and never looked back.

Maybe I should have.

“I never thought I’d hit you once, let alone twice.” Brendon whispered, and again the remorse on his face was real. That didn’t make it okay though, and this time I was acknowledging that because last time I’d been too stupid to do so.

Too forgiving.

“I’m not here to get another apology.” I assured Brendon. “I know you’re sorry. I know you are.”

Brendon nodded, and said nothing. The look on his face said it all.

“I think you have a substance problem.” I softly added, hoping he wouldn’t explode.

“I don’t drink often.” Brendon answered. “I just… when I do-” He stopped. “And last time I hit you, I hadn’t even been… I wasn’t drunk that night. I wish I had been. Then it might make sense.”

I chuckled, shaking my head. “None of this makes sense Brendon. You have an anger problem, and need to stay away from alcohol. I’m not saying that you’re addicted because you’re not. When you do drink you’re an asshole, and when… when stressed, you’re an asshole.”

Brendon started laughing too. “So, in the end, I’m an asshole?”

I shook my head, but felt a pang of relief enter my body at the amusement in his eyes. It was nice to see him happy, even if it only lasted a moment. “Go to anger management, Brendon. Check out a few AA meetings. Just listen to what others say. You may not be addicted, yet, but alcohol does something bad to you, beyond the one night stand kind of regret. Maybe something someone says will click. Maybe then you’ll know what is going on because I know you, and you aren’t abusive. You aren’t, but whatever is happening to you is making you abusive, and I’m not going to take the blame for it because our divorce isn’t doing this. This is you, but it doesn’t have to be.”

Brendon nodded. “I scared myself.”

I was crushed to hear that, and even more crushed with what my response had to be. We were being honest here. “You scared me too.”

Brendon took a deep breath, clearly hurt by what I said.

It had to be said though.