FicWad

I'm done. I'm tired of trying to be the person that I am only to be ridiculed and have my faults listed.
I'm a fuck up. There is no way to change it or even remotely fix it. So, that person is dead. This new me I will be sure to shape her to fit your standards better. I will be sure to get ever piece just right. Even if that means changing my personality at school. I don't give a fuck anymore. They think that I am not the type of person who can carry her problems on her own. I am it's just there are a few that I will admit I need help with. No all that's over now. I'm just going to do what I should have done awhile ago and keep my mouth shut. I mean it this time. No more this sweet Mariah. No that bitch wasn't good enough so I killed her. This new me will have no name. This new me will hopefully please the judgmental eyes of my peers.
Everything will still be my fault tho. I can deal with that.

I guess I have to stop doing the things I like now because then I get accused of following people or copying them. Okay done.

Oh being in another relationship with a girl is completely out of the question because then I will get told I'm just doing it because its a fad.

I can't sit in my favorite spot anymore because I look crazy when I do sit there. By by my friend.

I can't wear what I want. Okay I'm your new fucking Barbie.

Apparently I enjoy being called crazy and want to go to a mental hospital. Don't know who the fuck or what the fuck to be honest gave you that stupid I idea.

It's my fault I can't sleep so I have got to fix it. Check.

I have to start doing the things as a child again. Okay going down on the list.

I can't be sick. That my own damn fault. Gotcha I'll be sure to dope myself up on cold medicine.

I'm not going to joke around anymore. I have a dry humor that is just annoying and I need to stop. Check.

I have to laugh my regular laugh not my 'fake' one. Eh to me I don't know the difference but whatever you say.

I'm going to go to church whether I want to or not. I have to go at least once a month. Alright seems fair.

My friends are crazy so I'm not allowed to hang out with them. K.

Apparently there is a fad at my school where it is cool to be crazy...... That sounds so retarded but whatever.

I'll change how I speak just for you. At school I will stay fucking silent.

I promised them I would go to them with my problems but the dead Mariah's problems lie with her. Not this outer shell. This shell has yet to come up with a problem.

I won't talk to you about the funny things I find anymore since apparently that annoys you. Sorry for just trying to make conversation. I learned my lesson. I promise I won't do it again.

Especially since it makes you want to kill anyone that left you home alone with me. Fine I get I'll shut up.

Before I go tho... I want to get something straight. Anna never wanted this for me. She never wanted me to cut, burned, starve myself , ect ect. She tried to stop me from doing it. She wanted me to be happy. She would try to help me from my dark times. She always knew when something was wrong with me. So don't you fucking dare. Sit there and bash on her like she is just some emo insane person.

SHE IS NOT

YOU HEAR ME SHE IS NOT NOR WILL SHE EVER BE
Just because you hear a few things doesn't mean you have the right to put your own fucking label on her. No. You can do that to me all you want but don't you even thing about doing it to her. I won't let that happen. You didn't get to know her like I did. You didn't get to see all the good she has done for me. That's why she wanted me to commit suicide. Not because she hates me or wants me gone or because its some stupid fad. She wants me too because then I will get release from my family. I can get release from all the hurtful comments my mom through a my way. All the hurtful comments any of my family says. Plus, it shows she cares enough about me to let me go. Not because she hates me but because she cares. Most of you might not get this or even see it the way I do. I don't care. To me it's the sweetest thing in the world.

So I did it. I killed my inner soul. I'm nothing but a shell now. There is nothing inside left to be picked and prodded at. Yes I may be still breathing and somewhat eating and the occasional talk with a friend that stays by me. I'm still going to go to school. Be 'happy' and the same at home. To all of you who don't read this will never know. So to everyone I know this is going to hurt but:
Amber
Hunter
Lilly
Elizabeth
Jarvis
Alexis
Anna
Faith
Jada
Mr.Moore
Mrs.Larsen
Madison
Sarah
My turtle -Archie-
My snake -Bear-
My dogs -Breezy, Cayann, Cayna-
To anyone else I have missed and for gotten you included. Plus those in the future that I may meet.
It's too late for you too change my mind about this. So... be prepared for a big change in school because..... I'm already dead.