FicWad

It used to be all I thought about.
Ana...blood...pills...death.
I would joke that I ate slept thought and breathed it all.
But I wouldn't eat. I couldn't sleep. I wasn't thinking. And I wished I wouldn't breathe.
Then, I started to get better. I didn't skip any meals(wanted to, but I didn't).I stopped cutting(kept razorblades in my wallet but didn't ever really think about them).I was done with drugs of any kind.DONE!Never again.And I didn't think about my ex as much.Not really sure if I miss him or if I miss how it was.
Everyone says I seemed happier.
Then, one day, my short lived thrill fell apart in front of my eyes.
My friends seemed different. I couldn't talk to them.
My arms burned...Like I needed it.
I convinced myself I'm fat again and that beautiful people aren't fat.They control themselves.That's why they're beautiful.
I just wanted to escape.
It was like I just woke up today and everything went back to the way it had been.Depressing.
I've accepted the fact that I'll always have problems eating, I'll probably always be depressed, and the thoughts will never leave.
But, I guess I'm grateful for my week of sanity, but it made it hurt more to be back this way.I knew it had to end.
I battle with myself constantly.
If I don't eat,I feel good...strong...beautiful...but I know I'll eventually have to.
Same with cutting.
Everything is extremes with me.There is no middle ground.
All or nothing.
No cuts or nearly a hospital visit.
Eating a lot(which in reality is probably a normal amount but seems like a lot to me) or starving myself as long as I can get away with it.
Five hour walks or barely fifteen minutes.
Ecstatic or depressed.
Nothing is normal or average anymore.
I wish I could change, but I'm not sure all of me wants to.
Some people say the inability to adjust is a sign of insanity.
And insane people don't belong with everyone else.
Does it make people feel better to hurt the people around them?Really?
So, it made him feel good to say I'm an over-emotional slutty fat piece of trailer trash?
I mean, if it helped him, then fine.
Words I can deal with.
It's when I have to cover cuts and bruises so my counsellor doesn't interigate me about my life.
That's what bugs me.
It's lying.Lying is vulgar.
But I do it all the time.
I've never meant to hurt anyone, I don't see how it helps anyone, but if it does, then go for it I guess.
Hate me if it helps.
Hurt me if you're hurting.
Kick me around when you're down.
Beat the shit outta me when you feel angry.
I would do anything for anyone.
Just to satisfy them...to make them feel good.
Don't worry about my pain(not that you do)
I'm used to it anyway.