FicWad

Nobody's Funeral
Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter, or Naruto. (And in light of this fic, that's probably a good thing.)

This fic contains Yaoi, and much out of character-ness, and just plain crackiness. It's weird. Really weird. Snape is middle-aged or so, and Naruto and his classmates are all about 18 or 19 years old, respectively.

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Severus Snape had on his customary smirk, that sunny Thursday in mid-summer, but despite this Albus Dumbledore could tell that there was something seriously amiss in Severus' life. So, in a wave of good natured meddling, Albus cornered the helpless teacher one day in Snape's empty dungeon.
"Severus! How are you? I've noticed that you've been feeling about down lately, would you care to deny it or shall we get straight to the point, we wouldn't want you anything but your regular cheerful self when the students return from break, would we?" Snape could have sworn that Dumbledore made some sort of a Jedi mind control hand wiggle, but it might have been his imagination.
"If you must know Albus, my grandmother just died," Snape spat and the nosey old codger.
"Ah, I take it you will need a day or two off in order to arrange and go to her funeral, then?" Dumbledore inferred.
"No. I was the only one in my family who, eh, erm ... well, she married into the Snape family, and ..."
"None of them approved!" Dumbledore said, nodding with wisdom. "So, does she have other relatives who will mourn her?"
"I think she does...she used to talk about a village where she grew up, in ... Japan, I think. But they probably don't even know that she's dead." Snape grumbled.
"Oh, yes, I think I know what you're talking about. I think I knew the man who was the president, or minister or some such there. He died too, recently, three or four, or maybe around ten years ago, as I recall, but he was a pleasant man. They used to call him The Professor. Off you go then!" Dumbledore shoved Snape's packed and port keyed bags into his arms, and Snape puffed off to Konoha, the land of Ninjas.


Snape felt a tugging at his navel and looked around him to realize that he was rather wet. In fact, he was under the impression that he was in some sort of bathtub. As he slowly became more and more aware of his surroundings, he realized that it was not a bathtub but an outdoor hot spring, complete with a naked man. The man was of average height, with a muscular build and long, spiky white hair, and was currently very involved with some sort of a fence. Knowing what he was doing, Snape grew irritated, and decided to find his way out of this miserable place so that he could dry off his things. Sometimes Dumbledore seemed to know what he was doing and sometimes he seemed to be completely clueless.
In attempting to remove himself from this embarrassing situation, Snape made a good number of loud, splashy type noises, heavy robes are not the best material for stealth, after all. Suddenly, the spiky haired man spun around, revealing bulging eyes, (which might be called sharp in a different situation), and a very large mouth.
"What the hell are you doing, and why the fucks are you wearing clothes in the bath? What's up with those clothes anyway?!" Snape regarded the man for a moment, letting his mind settle into Japanese, (which he had learned from his Grandmother, he was fluent, but there were a few words he didn't recognize. Namely swear words - of course, he could gather what they meant by the sentence.) And replied,
"Excuse me, Sir, but I might ask where I am, and how I might get to the ninja village of Konohagakekure." Snape twitched slightly, but decided that politeness was best, especially if the man was a ninja, as his buff physique implied. Not, that Snape, a powerful wizard couldn't fell a ninja - but they were supposed to be very fast, and he wasn't taking any chances.
"I could," the man said, scratching his chin, "What's in it for me?"
"I can pay you, if that's what you want. I am also a very adept potions master and wizard, if you need my services in other ways."
The man looked at him coolly. "Wizard, huh? I've heard of them, a...lady friend I once hand ran away to some marry one, but I wouldn't flap your jaw about that much here. People will think you're crazy. Well...how 'bout we just say that you owe me one, yeah? Konoha's not far. I'm a great ninja, the Frog Hermit, one of the Legendary Sannin, and amazing novelist, but you may call me Jiraiya. You are?"
"Severus Snape. Will you help me get out of this place?" Snape said, shortly.
"Yeah." Jiraiya said shortly, before poofing him away.

Several minutes later the two of them sat in a restaurant, eating in awkward silence.
"So, what are you doing in Konoha, Snape" Jiraiya asked, looking up at him through the tops of his eyes.
"Well...My grandmother used to live in Konoha before she moved to England and married my grandfather. She died recently, and, the Snape family will not hold a funeral for her, or mourn her, so I was, er, coerced into coming here to meet her other relatives to see if they will hold funeral services for her. Her first name was Michiko, but I don't remember what she said her maiden name was." Snape said, gentility sneaking into his hard eyes.
"Michiko, eh? Well, I'll see if I can help you find her family. You cold Wizards may not mourn her, but I can assure you that someone here will." Snape failed to see the lecherous twinkle in the older man's eye, and the two of them set off for the lovely village of Konoha.

When they arrived in Konoha, Snape was impressed in spite of himself. The village really was beautiful, wood and brick buildings, trees lining the streets, cute Japanese girls walking home from a market probably. (Not that Snape would notice the latter.) Jiraiya sighed, as if glad to be home - which he probably was, deep in his perverted heart.
"So, how should we start?" Snape asked, looking around in dismay at the bustling little village.
"Oh I know who to ask. The Nara family. She was one of them after all, and what a cutie!" The older man said casually, setting off down the crowded street.
"Wait! You KNEW her?!" Snape spat, his cold mask disappearing from his face.
"Yes, yes. I used to peep at her when I was a kid! And what a beauty! I even based one of the main characters in my book! The Feudal Lord' wife, do you remember, Kakashi?" Jiraiya said, apparently talking to a tree behind them. Suddenly, a tall man with puffy silver hair stood next to them, the small visible portion of his cheek red, his single visible eye curved into a happy arch.
"Oh I remember. Who is this?" The man queried, looking over at Snape with his one eye.
"Snape. He's Michiko Nara's grandson. She died, you know, and he wants the Nara family to mourn her." Jiraiya said in a brisk manner
"Ah. Good luck with that!" Kakashi winced, "I always hated her when I was a kid! She was hot, but she was mean! I can't say I wasn't glad when she left." Snape sniffed and turned away at this. It was similar to what his family always said, with the variation that they were always expressing the wish that she would leave, not that she had.
"No offense though, sir." The man saluted and suddenly disappeared again.
"Shall we get going?" Snape asked the other man coldly.
No sooner had they gone down a couple of blocks than they were once again deterred by people.
"PERVY SAGE!" a loud young man with loud yellow hair yelled. He was perhaps, 18 or 19, and he was dragging another boy with him. A silent, dark type, much like Snape himself, though perhaps not as dashing. Jiraiya winced visibly.
"Naruto, what do you want? Can't you see that I'm busy?"
"Come to eat ramen with us, Pervy Sage." The boy said excitedly. He'd be in Gryffindor for sure. Snape thought with distaste. Not the other boy though, he'd be a Slytherin. There's no accounting for taste I suppose.
"You shouldn't invite other people on a date, Loser." The cold boy sneered with obvious affection. "Let's go." He dragged the noisy blonde boy with him, leaving Snape once again alone with Jiraiya.
"Ignore Naruto, he's an idiot," Jiraiya said dismissively.
"Clearly." Snape growled, and the two of them set off again for the Nara household.

At length, after numerous stops, including two men who look almost like past and future version of one another, who kept spouting shit, that Snape ignored, and a violent blonde woman walking with an equally violent, if younger, pink haired women they arrived at their destination.
An older man with scars, a pony tail, and a dour expression answered the door. He looks a lot like nana! Snape marveled.
"Hello Jiraiya, hello sir, is there something I can do for you?" Snape attempted a polite bow, and explained the situation to the man, and gazed at him with pleading eyes, which was quite a feat for a man who could hardly manage anything less than absolute hatred of the world on most days.
The man just stared back at him. "I'm sorry for your loss Snape, but I don't think that anyone is at all sad that the old bitch is finally dead. I'm certainly not going to waste my money mourning her! Have a nice day." And with that final word, the man closed the door in Snape's face. Snape stared for a moment, before regaining his composure, and just walking away, leaving Jiraiya standing dazed in the doorway.
Snape walked for a long time before he finally stopped on a swing, outside a building that could be a school. He gazed at his feet and just felt sad, something he hadn't really felt in a long time. He Nana had been a cold woman, but she was a good woman, inside. Only he had seen it however, and they had been all the other had had. Now he was simply alone with his sorrow. Or so he thought.
"Um, can I help you with something, sir?" A kind looking man with tan skin and a ponytail asked.
"Mm." Snape said, unwilling to look this lovely man in the eye.
"Ah, I see." The man said, sitting next to him and smiling. "Do you want to tell me about it.?"
Snape fully intending to answer with another monotone 'mm' but instead he found himself pouring out his heart to this kind stranger.
"Who are you, anyway?" Snape added at the end of his story.
"Iruka Umino. I teach here at the school. It's a pleasure to meet you, Severus." Snape smirked.
"I doubt that very much. I'm also a teacher you know. A potions master, back home."
"Where is that?"
"England. It's cold, and polluted, and magic, what you call chakra evolved in a very different way there. It's more powerful, I think, but not as subtle, and we have to use a focus if we want to do anything. I think ... I think you're way might be better." Snape added, looking up at the sky. "I've always preferred subtlety to power. Like potions."
"I'd like to learn your way of magic, if you'd let me." Iruka said, blushing shyly at the Potions master.
"Only if you teach me yours." Snape said.
"Absolutely." Iruka said, before leaning in and gently caressing Snape's lips with his own.

Back at Hogwarts, Dumbledore was currently in the process of interviewing a new Potions Master.
"I'm afraid ours got snatched up by another school. He was so good too! But, I suppose no salary can make up for true love." Dumbledore sighed and wiped a tear away, looking unbelievably pleased with himself. It was all doing, after all.

Several months later. Snape stood next to his lover, Iruka, holding his hand, saying goodbye at last to his beloved grandmother. Iruka, clever man that he was, and somehow "convinced" Shikamaru into telling his family that they had to have a funeral for Michiko. It took a while, but Snape and Iruka studied the different kinds of magic together, and did other things too. Like mowing the lawn. They were also busy with teacher, because Snape had begun teaching classes in simple potion brewing and herbs at the school. He liked it better than his old job, because ninja's did not have as many qualms about capitol punishment, and all together, he was satisfied with his students. He also got to know his mother's family, and found that they were really an intelligent lot, which didn't surprise him one bit. He would never be as fit as a ninja, but he did get in pretty good shape, and got on very well in Konoha. This eventually would save Albus Dumbledore's life - but we won't mention that!

End.