FicWad

Once Upon a Pea Once Upon a Pea
by gndmlvr01
a/ parody of Once Upon a Mattress, a.k.a. The Princess and the Pea/

Once upon a time, in the fictional kingdom of Deathscythe (in the region known in this world as the United States), lived the Maxwells, rulers of the Shinigami throne. King Maxwell and Queen Helen were rather unconventional, and their son Duo was no different. Thus, when his mother decided he was of age to marry, it wasn't surprising that Duo put his two cents in.
"I want a prince," he announced. Queen Helen gave him an odd look.
"No, dear. I was thinking of holding a ball for princesses."
"I'm gay."
"But you need an heir!" Duo gave her a LOOK.
"Mother, we're in a fairy tale kingdom. Just find some witch to make a potion that will get my prince pregnant."
Queen Helen acceded.
"Great! I'll set up a test to find the perfect prince," Duo announced, and he wouldn't say more about it, but did send in for an inordinate number of mattresses.


Princes regularly visited Duo's castle, as did princesses, but Duo never gave them test like he said he would. His mother and friends watched, puzzled, as he invited royalty of the male variety to spend the night and tell his family they had failed the test the next day. Once he got excited; Prince Wufei, son of the Emperor of China, came in saying he hadn't slept, but then finally confessed the "stupid onnas" (later found to be the Princesses Relena, Dorothy, Hilde, Catharine, and Sally) had had a sleepover and kept him up all night with their "girliness." Duo was disappointed, but found it funny anyway.
Finally, tired of waiting, Duo sent out knights to find and bring back princes. They all returned, and all their princes failed in succession. One knight-Sir Dekim Barton-did not return for a long time, which may be why Duo was surprised when Dekim was dragged into the palace during dinner, unconscious, and tossed at their feet by the most beautiful boy Duo had ever seen-even if he did have stains all over his clothes and scabbard the same color as his messy brown hair. The boy glared at the royalty defiantly with brilliant blue eyes and crossed his arms. Dekim groaned and stirred.
"What sort of place is this?" the boy demanded, scowling at Duo furiously. "Your knight attacked me!" Duo frowned.
"Why?" The stranger glared down at the knight; oblivious to the frozen ladies and men of the court.
"He tried to rape me!" Again, the tone was indignant rather than afraid. "And then he started whining something about princes and Prince Duo and how he was a knight and I'd be beheaded for beating him up." Duo bit his lip, and tried not to laugh. The boy was obviously a lot stronger than he looked, to take out Dekim, but he was /so cute/, pouting like that.
"Guards, take Sir Dekim to the dungeons." He couldn't have dishonorable knights walking about. It was bad publicity. And he didn't even want to think about the teen in front of him being raped. "Who are you?" he asked politely. The boy's face turned stoic and he bowed formally.
"I am Prince Heero, fourth son of Czar Odin and his third wife, the Japanese princess Sakuya. I was passing through." Duo smiled, and hoped that Heero could pass his test.
"I am Prince Duo Maxwell. Would you like to spend the night?" Heero shrugged. "Great! We'll have dinner, and talk, and then we'll put you to bed. If you need anything in the night, my bedroom will be just down the hallway."


Heero looked at the tower of mattresses before him, perplexed. This kingdom was just too weird, though most of the people (discounting Dekim) seemed nice. He blushed suddenly. Especially Prince Duo, he thought wistfully. Perhaps he would stay the week, with Duo around. Yes, that would be nice.
Satisfied, Heero stripped and changed into soft silky pajamas and laboriously hauled himself to the top of the bed. He collapsed onto the mattress and pulled up the covers. His forehead wrinkled in discomfort, and he scowled as something invisible in the mattress stabbed into his back.


Duo blearily opened his eyes and scooted over as someone curled up in his bed. It was Heero, beautiful and sleepy-looking, and covered in feathers.
Duo blinked, yawned, wrapped an arm around the smaller prince, and fell back asleep.


Heero awoke slowly, warm and feeling secure as he was cradled to someone's chest. He looked up and gave a tiny smile to Duo, who was sound asleep and drooling on his pillow. He sighed comfortably and snuggled closer, wanting contact. This bed was much nicer than the one they gave him.
That thought ruined the moment and he scowled before reaching up to poke Duo. Hard.
The prince grunted and woke; bright violet eyes looking down at him in confusion.
"Heero? What are you doing here? And why are there-feathers?-in your hair?" His voice was utterly bewildered. Heero gave him a flat look.
"Next time, don't put me in the princess bed," he ordered. Duo blinked.
"Huh?" Impatient, Heero sat up, abandoning his blanket cocoon. Duo followed him upright.
"The princess bed," Heero insisted. "From that silly archaic idea of choosing a princess bride." Duo really, really hoped this was going where he thought it was going. He tried to look confused. "You know, where you pile up mattresses and stick a pea in them and see if she can feel it to prove she's a princess?" Duo nodded. "Well, you must have forgotten to take it out after the last princess, because I was up half the night trying to find the stupid thing." He reached into a pocket with grim triumph and handed a pea to Duo. "You'll need new mattresses," he added, seeing Duo's stunned face. "Because I got a little angry."
So that's why he's covered in feathers, Duo thought distantly. Then he laughed, dropped the pea, and seized Heero in a hug.
"I've found him!" he shouted, and lifting Heero-who squawked indignantly-rose from the bed and out into the hallway, trailing feathers as they went.
"Put me down!" Heero ordered, but Duo was oblivious. "Found who? Duo!" Heedless of Heero's cries, Duo burst into his parents' bedroom with a grin-
And just as quickly left again. He set Heero down in the corridor and dove for a water basin.
"Oh, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew," he whimpered, scrubbing at his face and hands. "I did not want to see that. /Ew/." Heero, silent, was scrubbing beside him, just as furiously.


Later that morning they waited for a proper audience with Their Majesties; Duo still not answering Heero's questions. Once the King and Queen were properly dressed, Duo dragged Heero into their room again.
"He passed!" he shouted. "I'm going to marry Heero!"
"Nani?!" gasped the prince, but his objections were smothered by Duo's parents.
"How wonderful!" they shouted.
"We'll prepare the wedding at once!" King Maxwell announced. Queen Helen fingered Heero's hair.
"You'll look so lovely in your wedding gown, dear," she smiled sweetly. Heero was in shock. Marry? Duo? Now?! (/Ever?!/ his mind added unhelpfully.) The last comment knocked him out of his stupor.
"Dress?" he squeaked.
"Sure, Hee-chan," said Duo, bounding over and trying to kiss him. Heero backed away.
"What did I pass? Why am I marr-/how/ am I marrying Duo? And I'm not wearing any dress!!" Queen Helen looked at her son.
"Yes, what did he pass, dear?" Duo beamed at them.
"My test, of course. Anybody that marries me has got to be sensitive enough to be ready whenever I want them. If Heero can feel a pea under twenty mattresses, he's definitely sensitive enough."
"Enough for what?" asked Heero. Duo smiled at him fondly.
"And he's a virgin, too!" he cooed. "Silly Heero. For sex, of course!"
"Nani?!" Never! he screamed silently. No one will get /me to say any vows!/


"I now pronounce you husband and husband. You may kiss-"
"Don't I have to say 'I do'?" asked Heero.
"Oh you will marry me? Hee-chan I love you!" Duo kissed him fiercely.
Heero, already blushing in his long white dress, gaped wordlessly in horror, unwittingly giving his new husband access that made Heero, sensitive as he was, melt.
But not before one last indignant thought. He /tricked me!/ And then, What/ does he plan to do about heirs?/


Epilogue
Late that night, after yet another vigorous 'session' with Duo, Heero settled down to sleep, wisely laying on his stomach rather than his sore backside. Duo shifted uncomfortably beside him and finally gave a loud groan of aggravation.
Heero watched, perplexed, as Duo got out of bed and reached under the mattress.
"What the hell-?" muttered Duo, hauling out a...sword? And a shield, an axe, and three daggers. Heero sighed.
"Come back to bed and sleep, baka. They'll still be there in the morning."
"What?! Heero, what are they doing there in the first place?!" He moved the weapons to a nearby chair as Heero stared back at him, nonplussed.
"Doesn't everyone sleep with their weapons?" he asked curiously.

THE END.

A/N: Please forgive me, 'girliness' is not, in fact, a word. ^^;