Categories > Original > Humor

Space Station Zero Dark Thirty

by KurtPikachu2001 0 reviews

The CIA Space Station crash lands on Earth. It's soon believed terrorists have taken it over, and it turned out to be a crazed Vampire Cult.

Category: Humor - Rating: PG-13 - Genres: Humor - Warnings: [V] - Published: 2013-06-20 - 3775 words - Complete

This American Dad fanfic is a satire of the Vampire craze that is popular with teens and twenty-somethings. And the Space Station from the episode "The Great Space Coaster" makes a comeback! Enjoy!

American Dad:

Fanfic title:

Space Station Zero Dark Thirty

by: Trenton Sands

OPening Credits Scene

Roger's disguise: Hip Hop Biker from The Boring Indentity

Scene 1:

In the drop off point at Langley Falls, Stan and Francine were having a romantic picnic all by themselves.

Francine: I can't believe we turned the place Roger pushed Jeff into that spaceship into our own personal love spot!

Stan: Don't you wish it could be just you and me again, Francine?

Francine: You're right. No hippie daughters, no slacker stoners....

Stan: No geeky wimpy sons who bring shame to the family.....

Francine: Or aliens and goldfish....

Stan: Let's make love right here, Francine!

Francine: Love to!

As Stan and Francine were making love, unbeknownst to them something from space crash lands in the forest. Some mysterious figures gather around it and go inside.

Stan: Wow! That was some explosive sex!

Francine: That explosion must've came from you!

Stan (laughs): For a minute there, I thought Jeff was back!

Francine: Give Mama some more of that sugah, honey!

Stan and Francine continue to make love, oblivious to the chaos that was around them. The CIA, Greg and Terry were investigating the crash.

Greg: We are here live at the scene of the crash that appears to be a space station...

Terry: We'll keep you posted....and I will keep you posted, too, Greg!

Greg: I'll bet you say that to all the guys!

Scene 2:

After the picnic was over, Stan and Francine went home. Bullock and the CIA discovered what it was that crashed from space. They all watch from a distance.

Bullock: Gentlemen, that was the Space Station the CIA built that crashed from space last night.

Jackson: You mean that one Stan and his family went to that time?

Bullock: Correct, Jackson. I want Smith on this case. He's the only one who's familiar with the Space Station.

Dick: What about the people inside?

Bullock: We have reason to believe that some left over terrorists from Al Qaeda Terrorists have taken it over. Get me Smith!

Dick and Jackson: At once, sir!

Scene 3:

Back at the Smith house Roger, Steve, Klaus were filming a Hubba Bubba commercial. Roger and Steve were dressed as cowboys. Roger was in white, Steve was in black. And Klaus was in a horse trough.

Klaus: Wow! Sure is great to swim around a huge pool for once.

Roger: You're swimming in piss and (beep) you ass!

Klaus (vomits): NEIN!

Steve: Why do I have to be the bad guy?

Roger: Enough whining and complaining. Chew your gum. We are going to become Youtube sensations after today!

Steve: That'll make me attractive to the ladies! Being evil is more cooler anyway.

Roger (turns on laptop): Okay, Hubba Bubba commercial. Klaus, you're the

Klaus: There's a shoot out in the old west....

Roger and Steve are both in cowboy style duel positions. Steve chews his gum as Roger glares at him, chewing his gum, too.

Klaus: The outlaw is chewing an inferior gum.

Steve blows a bubble.

Klaus: While the hero is chewing Hubba Bubba!

Roger blows a bubble bigger than Steve's. And Steve's gum bubble blows up in his face.

Steve: WOAH!

Klaus: Amazing Non Stick bubbles. That make the townspeople proud!

Roger: Yay! I won! In your face, bitches!

Just then Hayley runs into the middle of filming!

Hayley: ROGER!

Roger (screams): Oh, my gosh! Did Jeff come back!

Hayley: I wish! Dad wants to see you now!

Roger: Dammit! Okay, we'll wrap up production for the day.

Hayley: Dad wants you to help him with a Space Station mission. That one we ran away to crash landed on Earth last night.

Roger and Hayley walk inside. As Steve tries to get the gum off his face.

Steve: Any way I can get this off?

Klaus: Urine and feces can do the trick.

Steve accidently trips backwards into the horse trough.

Klaus: Ha! Ha! Horse urine is good, ja?

Steve: Damn you, Klaus!

Scene 4:

Stan and Roger were in the SUV driving to the scene of the Space Station crash. Stan was on the phone with Bullock. Roger was dressed as a Cuban Bicycle Repair Man.

Bullock (over phone): I'm telling you, Stan. Good luck. (hangs up)

Roger: Why am I coming with you, again?

Stan: I can't bring a family member along. And I told Bullock I was running away from a crazy person at the time. And you and I are the only ones familiar with this Space Station.

Roger: Good thing I brought my Cuban Bicycle Repair Man disguise. (holds out hand) I am Pablo Martinez! Bicycle Repair Man!

Stan: Yeah, it was embarrassing to tell Bullock I was running away from a Cuban Bicycle Repair man.

Roger: You should've thought about that before you roasted me.

Stan: Don't remind me! (drives to the scene) OKay we're here.

Roger: Take this bus to Cuba! (laughs and points gun at Stan)

Stan: Just get out of the car and come on! Ass!

Roger and Stan get out of the car and enter the Space Station.

Scene 5:

Stan and Roger enter the Space Station. The furniture, and everything else was the same way the Smith's have left it the last time. It's cold and clammy inside.

Roger: Brrrr! This place is (beep) cold! It's colder than a winter in Medlevecklian!

Stan: What the (beep) is a Medlevecklian? Some Armenian Pimp or drug dealer?

Roger: A winter month on my home planet.

Stan: Focus, Roger! Concentrate! We have reason to believe some leftover members of Al Qeada have taken over this place.

Roger: This place brings back some memories!

As Stan and Roger were walking around, they also see cobwebs, bats, and coffins.

Stan: This is no time to.....(sees Roger is gone) Roger!

Then Stan looks around until he finds Roger opening up a coffin. There was a woman inside wearing a white dressing gown.

Roger: Do Al Qaeda terrorists sleep in coffins? Are there girl ones?

Stan: No, Mideasterners don't let women join the army. Or do anything for that matter. Remember our adventure in Saudi Arabia? Another thing, Is she wearing a barqa?

Roger: Actually no, she has pointy teeth!

Stan: This sounds like that movie Dracula: Dead and Loving It.

Roger: Well, in that case, this looks like a job for....(takes out a stake and hammer) Pablo Martinez! Bicycle Reapair Man by day, Vampire Slaying by night! Move over, Buffy!


Roger (presses stake into the woman's heart with the hammer): Saw this on Horror Of Dracula once!

Stan: Roger! Don't do it! We don't know who or what that is!

Roger drives the stake through the sleeping woman's heart. She wakes up and screams. She's all bloody from her chest down to her legs.

Woman (screams): YOU IDIOTS! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU? I'M TELLING THE MASTER ON YOU! (screams and runs away)

The woman runs away screaming. Then Stan and Roger are confronted by a man in a vampire suit floating on strings.

Stan (angerly): You really did it this time, Pablo!

Roger: At least they're not Al Qeada!

The man in the vampire suit lands before them. His name is Count Vlad.

Count Vlad: Vhat do ve have here?

Roger (laughs): He talks like Klaus! Pronounces his W's like V's! (imitates): Vhat do you vant? (laughs)

Stan (points gun at Count Vlad): Stan Smith! CIA!

Count Vlad: Vhat do you vant?

Stan: We have reason to believe you're a member of Al Qeada! And you're in disguise as a vampire!

Roger (normal voice): You've taken over this Space Station! (holds taco) Want a taco, compliments of Cuba!

Count Vlad: I don't vant to taco! (slaps Roger's taco away) Ve're not terrorists. Ve're a Vampire Cult! We base out lives on Vampire movies and TV Shows such as The Vampire Diaries, Twilight and True Blood!

Stan: What do you think you're going to gain from this madness?

Count Vlad: Ve shall make Twilight, The Vampire Diaries, and True Blood go on for all eterntity! And for almost killing my vife, you both shall face, The Maze of Doom!

Stan: Fine! We accept your challange!

Count Vlad leads Stan and Roger to a secret door.

Roger: How do you like that dude, wasted a perfectly good taco!

Stan: You asswipe! We're probably going to be killed, and you're worried about a Taco!

The door opened and there was the maze, under it was a pool of blood.

Count Vlad: Come in, Gentlemen! Come in!

Scene 6:

Stan and Roger entered the room. The maze was as big as a football stadium.

Count Vlad: You both shall go around this maze, every now and then a vampire will get you, and you must overcome obstacles! Good luck!

Stan and Roger went around the maze.

Roger: Is this going to become like Wipeout? I was the one who started a Facebook campaign to fire Jill Wagner.

Stan: Shut Up, Roger! Just look for some vampires. I'm shooting them mothers! This Space Station sure has changed....

Just then, some vampires surrounded them.

Vampire #1: Halt! How goes there?

Stan: Stan Smith! CIA! That's who!

Vampire #2: For almost killing Count Vlad's vife, you are both going to die.

Roger (terrified): NOOO! Don't kill me! I have six wives and two kids!

Vampire #3: Oh, veally? Just who are these vives of yours?

Roger: I'm a Mormon! You know, like Mitt Romney! (kneels on the floor with his hand out): I have a wife about this high (rises up little by little) and I have a wife about this high, and I have a wife about this high, and I have a wife about this high...

Vampire #4: Enough! Ve don't vant to hear your life story!

Roger: And I also have another wife! Guess how high she is?

Vampire #3: How high?

Roger (takes out a syringe and injects it into the vampire) THIS HIGH!

Stan and Roger make a break for it and the Vampire Roger injected the syringe with, and got really high.

Vampire #3: EEEE EEEEE EEEEE EEE EEEE! (skips around)

Roger (laughs): Works every time! The ol' Heroin Gag! Good thing I keep some on me!

Stan: That was pretty cool!

As they were running, Stan and Roger then get chased by a huge boulder!

Roger: AAAHHH!!!! Son of a bitch!

Stan: I got this! (shoots the boulder)

Count Vlad (over megaphone): If you fail these obstacles, you shall both be dipped in the blood pool!

Stan shot up the boulder and it broke, then Stan karate chopped the boulder and it broke into pieces.

Roger: Talk about Reese's Pieces!

Then they get chased by more vampires.

Scene 7:

The room grew darker and darker making it hard for Stan and Roger to defeat the Vampire Cult. Demi Lavato's Heart Attack starts playing at a deafening volume. Roger thinks he sees one in the distance and gets his hammer ready. But it's really Stan.

Stan: Hmph! Vampire Cult, that wants to make Twilight and True Blood go on for all eterntity! Talk about insane fanaticism. These guys ought to go to the Comic Con! Now we have to listen to some teeny bopper music? What can be worse? (gets knocked out) OUCH!

Roger: I got one Stan! I got one!

Stan (coming to and getting up): You did?

Roger: He was standing right where you were...

Stan: Was he tall?

Roger: Yes Yes...

Stan: Did he have black hair?

Roger: Yeahh......

Stan: Did he wear a blue suit?

Roger: Yeah,

Stan: Have a huge chin?

Roger: Yep!

Stan: And you hit him with your hammer?

Roger: You bet!

Stan (taking Roger's hammer): THAT WAS ME! (hits Roger with the hammer)

Then a trap door falls underneath Stan, which causes him to almost fall into the blood. But he gets up in time. Someone helps him, thinking it's Roger.

Stan: Woah! Thanks Roger! Even though I got pissed at you, you're still helping me!

Vampire #5: No problem!

Stan: Geez, Roger! What happened to your Paul Lynde voice? You sound like Viggo Mortenson on a bender!

Vampire #5: I never heard of them.

Stan: Stop goofing off, Roger! Bullock's depending on me to....(sees the Vampire): AAAAHHH!!!! Vampire!

Then Stan does the Five Finger Death Punch on the Vampire.

Stan: Feel the wrath of my Death Punch, bitch!

The Vampire dies and Roger comes to and joins Stan.

Roger: Like they say in old Westerns 'Which way they'd go'?

Stan: Let's try that way! (points left)

Roger and Stan go left of the maze only to see a whole bunch of saws in their way.

Stan: Holy (beep) What the hell is this Saw all of the sudden?

Roger: Wouldn't you know? This is a fine time to forget my Jigsaw mask!

Scene 8:

Stan and Roger were surrounded by the saw blades that were spinning very fast. Then some Vampires surround them.

Stan: It's obvious we can't make it through.

Roger: Unless you're Usain Bolt.....

Vampire #6: Twilight and True Blood forever!

Vampire #7: Vampire culture will prevail!

Vampire #8: Surrender now!

Roger: Well, as any dumbass bumbling sidekick would say....."What'll we do now, boss?"

Stan: Stop quoting Thunderbolt and Lightfoot! There's one thing we can do.

Roger: What is it?

Stan: We surrender and give ourselves up.

Vampire #9: Any last words?

Stan: Yes, we give up!

Roger: Twilight and True Blood should go on for all eterntity!

Vampire #10: Good! Now, prepare to die!

The Vampires try to attack Stan and Roger. Then Stan fights them off as does Roger by pushing them into the saw blades. They all get chopped up and bloody and some of their clothes remain intact. Cound Vlad was watching and was not pleased with what he saw.

Count Vlad: Dammit! Our cult is ruined by those goons! Vait a minute! I know who to call....

Stan: Great! We did it, Roger! (sees some clothes) Look at this. We'll disguise as other Vampires to trick Count Vlad.

Roger: Do I have to be one, too? Can't I be Sharon Stone?

Stan: No! You have to be a Vampire! It's the only way to overthrow Count Vlad!

Roger: All right!

Stan and Roger get into the Vampire costumes and find a secret exit to the maze.

Scene 9:

In the other room. Count Vlad was on his cellphone in his office calling the real leader of the cult. His office constisted of posters of True Blood, Vampire Diaries, and Twilight. There was also a map with thumb tacks on his desk and a picture frame of Robert Patenson, Taylor Lautner, and Kristen Stewart.

Count Vlad: Vhat? General Drac here? I'll be right out. (hangs up cellphone) I wonder how he caught up with us?

As Count Vlad left the office to meet with the General, Stan and Roger enter.

Stan: This looks like the bedroom of a teenage social butterfly.

Roger: Twilight is so over. Let sleeping dogs lie! This place looks more like 1313 Mockingbord Lane! (sees the maps) Hey, look! Stan! Checkers!

Stan: White moves first.

Roger and Stan move the thumb tacks on the map like Checkers. Meanwhile outside, Count Vlad meets General Drac who's on a Segway. Then he gets off. General Drac was wearing a green army uniform, and Vampire clothes underneath.

Count Vlad: Hail Twilight!

General Drac: Hail Twilight!

Count Vlad: General Drac, vhere is your automobile?

General Drac: Dumbass! I only got the Segway!

Count Vlad: I'll show you the maps. And our plans to take over the world with Vampire Pop Culture!

Stan and Roger were still playing checkers with the thumb tacks on the map. Then Roger jumps all over Stan's tacks.

Roger (laughs): Ha ha ha ha! Beat you! In yo' face bitch!

Stan clobbers Roger with the picture frame of Robert Patenson, Taylor Lautner, and Kristen Stewart.

Roger: OUCH!

Stan (sees the picture): It's the Twilight cast! (hears footfalls) Quick! Pretend you're a part of this insane cult!

Count Vlad and General Drac enter the office. They see Stan and Roger.

Stan: Our condolences sir about your cult getting killed. Uhhh, Hail Twilight!

Roger: Hope you find the bastards who did it! Yes, Hail Twilight!

Count Vlad: General Drac, ve have two leftover members of our cult.

General Drac: No problem. Ve have others in different states.

Count Vlad: So, once I show you our plans, vould you be surprised?

General Drac: I'll bet I'll be!

Scene 10:

Count Vlad shows the maps to General Drac who noticed the thumb tacks were all messed up. Which angers General Drac!

General Drac (angerly): Vhat is this? The Twilight Division in the Red Sea?

Count Vlad: The Red Sea?

General Drac: And our True Blood troops in the North Pole? (Slaps Count Vlad): Dumbass!

Count Vlad (slaps Stan): Dumbass!

Stan (slaps Roger): Dumbass!

Roger (groans in frustation and tries to slap): Dumb? No ass!

General Drac (rips out the map and lands on his chair): That's all right! Ve have other plans to take over the world.

Count Vlad: That's good.

General Drac: Got them from Stephanie Meyer herself in the last Twilight book.

Count Vlad: That is good!

General Drac (about to sit down): We Twi-Hards never get stuck!

Stan and Roger laugh to themselves as General Drac sits on the map full of thumb tacks.

General Drac: OUCH! (gets up and slaps Count Vlad): So, you try to make a booby of me, huh?

Then Count Vlad slaps Stan, and Roger ducks as Stan was about to slap him, but slaps Count Vlad. Then Count Vlad tries to slap General Drac but stops himself.

General Drac: Get me some blood! Open that window.

Then Count Vlad goes to get some blood, and then he opened the window and a huge wind blows away Stan's and Roger's Vampire Clothes.

Count Vlad: Zo! It was really you all along? These people are Spies! SPIES! SPIES!

He punches Roger and Roger lands on the picture of Robert Patenson, Taylor Lautner, and Kristen Stewart. Stan runs out of the room.

Roger: Stan come back! Come back Shane! Come back Shane! What'll I tell them?

Stan: You think of your story, I got mine!

Scene 11 Conclusion:

General Drac ran after Stan. Count Vlad got after Roger with a bayonet.

Roger: (gasps in horror)


Roger runs away from Count Vlad and he sees the picture of Robert Patenson, Kristen Stewart, and Taylor Launter on Roger's behind.

Count Vlad: Hail Twilight!

Roger: Hail!

Count Vlad: You Spy!

He chased Roger as he tried to break down the door to the office. Count Vlad saluted the picture again. Roger saluted back.

Count Vlad: Hail Twilight!

Roger: Hail!

Count Vlad: Hail Twilight!

Roger: Hail!

Count Vlad: Hail Twilight!

Roger (frustrated): HAIL!

Count Vlad: Hail Twilight!

Roger: Hail!

It contined to go on as so, then Count Vlad is killed by Stan who impales him with a bayonet.

Count Vlad: Hail Twil.....

Roger: You kicked his ass, Stan! Where's the General?

Stan: Let's just say he suffered the same fate!

Roger: Well, I guess this fandom doesn't need anymore crazy fans.

Stan: You said it! Twilight is down the toilet where it belongs!

Roger: Too bad we can't say the same for True Blood.

A whole bunch of cars were parked out in front of the Space Station. Stan and Roger come out and see Bullock and the other CIA agents getting out of their cars to meet them.

Bullock: Well done, Smith! I knew you had the know-how to take down these terrorists.

Stan: Actually, they were terrorists. They were really a Vampire Cult.

Roger: They were a bunch of Twilight and True Blood fanatics. They made us go through a maze. And he couldn't have done it without me! Pablo Martinez! Bicycle Repair Man!

Bullock: Even better!

Then another car approaches the Space Station. It was Internal Affairs.

Bullock: Oh, no. What do they want? They don't think I have dementia again...

Stan: Don't worry, I'll handle it....

Out comes Turlington, and other Internal Affairs agents to confront the CIA.

Roger: Turlington?! He's been harrassing our.....I mean....The Smith Family for years!

Stan: What do you want, Turlington?

Turlington: You had no reason to take down this cult....

Roger: We thought they were terrorists. They were really a bunch of evil....

Turlington: Shut up! We knew this place was a Vampire Cult, and we watched you kill them all.

Bullock: What is your deal, Turlington?

Turlington: You let us take the credit for taking down these so-called 'terrorists'.

Stan: Okay, fine! You're on!

Turlington: Once we take the credit for it, we promise to say it's terrorists if you guys do one thing....

Roger: Name it!

Turlington: To play a game of Big Brother! We get your CIA Headquarters, and you CIA nut jobs will be the 'Have Nots'. You better agree to this deal!

Stan, Roger, and Bullock all agree with Turlington's demands. Everyone gets into their cars and leaves. Turlington is about to drive away when he is stopped by Principal Lewis.

Lewis: Excuse me! Excuse me! Turlington is it?

Turlington: Yeah, that's me. What do you want?

Lewis: I am a really huge fan of yours! I'd love to join the Internal Affairs. Think you can sign me up?

Turlington: Uhhhh, no! (drive away)

Lewis (looking on as Turlington drives away): AAAAAWWWWW.

Two weeks later Internal Affairs has taken over the CIA Building. Stan, Bullock, Roger, and the others were residing in an old abandoned farmhouse.

Stan: Damn Internal Affairs! Can't believe we have to do our business here.

Bullock: At least it's only for a month.

Then Roger comes in dressed as a farmer, with two buckets of milk.

Roger: Oh come on! This isn't so bad!

Stan: Are you kidding me! This sucks! We might as well be in Amish Country! No lights! No car! Not a single luxury! Like Robinson Curoso, it's primitive as can be!

Roger: Anyone remember The Electric Company?

Stan: No, please!

Roger: Allow me to sing a song from that show to lift everyone's spirits!

Stan: Crap No!

Roger (pours milk all over Stan and Bullock): SLOP THE HOGS! SLOP THE HOGS! SLOP THE HOGS!

Stan: I'll kick your ass for this, Roger!

Bullock: Who is that guy, anyway?

Stan: Have no idea.....

Bullock and Stan continued to suffer in the barnhouse as Roger keeps pouring milk on them.

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