Categories > Celebrities > My Chemical Romance > Powerless
A week I’ve been in here; a week in this cesspool of violence, herpes, and cold steel. This place is a hole. It’s like being buried alive; you’re stuck underground in this place you can’t escape, but you can still see, in your mind’s eye, the face of the one you love. And I can’t get Gerard off my mind. Everything I see reminds me of him somehow, and I pray every night that God will keep him safe when I can’t, and that maybe he’s strong enough to let them take advantage of him and walk all over him like the cold white tiles below my feet.
Glen is a piece of work, and every day that I spend with him, the more I miss Gerard. Everything he does for me, he expects his usual form of payment; and I’m such a fucking sheep that I don’t have the guts to stand up for myself. Not because I’m scared of him, but because I’m scared of his power. That’s half my problem, and always has been; I’m scared of power, yet at the same time, I keep thinking I can somehow control the fate of this planet with my bare hands.
“Frank.” Glen grunted, completing another set of pull-ups from the rafters. “They’re planning a cleanout.”
“What the fuck is that?”
“It’s prison-code for ‘you’re going to die, very soon, if you don’t join a gang ASAP.’”
“Okay… I still don’t quite understand.” I chuckled self-consciously.
He dropped down from the rafters and wiped the sweat from his brow.
“Here’s the deal.” He said. “This happens once every few months; one gang plans a mass attack on everyone who isn’t segregated and protected. So basically, it’s curtains for you.”
“What, when is this happening?”
“A month’s time. So I heard.”
What is this, a middle school game of "He Said She Said"?
He dropped to the ground and started doing pushups from the metal bars driven into the ground, while I took to pacing nervously around him. Part of me was terrified of him, but the other part knew it wouldn’t be a good idea to leave his side. The tension is thick in the air… you can just feel it. Like an attack could break out at any moment.
After Glen mentioned it, I could definitely see the gang influence. It’s more difficult to pick out inside the unit, because for the better part of the day, you’re trapped in your fucking cell; but out here, where everyone is seen together, it’s like watching wolf packs circle each other, defensive and on-guard. And then I’m in the middle… I’m the prey that everyone wants, but no one will admit to it.
“Racial segregation.” I stated.
“You bet your sweet ass.” Glen snickered.
Cringe cringe cringe.
“Blacks, whites, and Hispanics.” He continued. “The only way to survive in this place is to join a gang, and everyone who’s survived long enough to witness a cleanout knows that all too well.”
Looking around the yard, it was easy to see that the dominant gang was the blacks. I estimated that about 40% of inmates were black, therefore contributing to what I guessed to be the most dangerous gang in the prison.
“These people don’t care. They can rip your guts out one second, and stomp on your cold dead body the next. Half of ‘em are in here for murder or attempted murder, for pete’s sake.”
Okay, Glen. I get the idea.
“Fine, where do I sign up?” I sighed in defeat.
The whistle blew, meaning it was time for us to go back inside.
“Back in the cell.” Glen grinned. “We’re gonna have some fun.”
I'm guessing your kind of fun, not mine.
We were led back into our cell, and as soon as the door was bolted shut, Glen burst out with his plan (which based on his level of eagerness, I’m guessing had been in formulation from damn near the day he met me).
“So…” He grinned deviously. “I’ve been in this place 6 years. I’ve pretty much got a handle on the place; who’s formed an alliance with who, who to buy drugs from, and who to avoid at all costs. And…”
He got up off the bunk and paced around the room with a mildly infuriating skip to his step.
“And what?” I asked, getting annoyed with him.
“And…” He said as he peered over the top of his glasses at me. “I can show you everything. You’re gonna need some protection as soon as the cleanout rolls around, and we don’t have much time left.”
“Just cut to the fucking chase.” I snapped at him. “We both know you just want to have your way with me, and honestly, I think you’d stick your dick in a cow if you could.”
Frank, you shouldn’t have said that.
He stopped in his tracks and glared at me, his eyes screaming with pride and superiority.
“And maybe I would.” He cooed. “Or, maybe I’ve been stuck in here 6 years, and my choices are to go batshit crazy, or utilize the vulnerability of whiny little assholes who alone, don’t have what it takes yet. Such as yourself.”
“Glen-“
“You do what you have to in here. A year in here, and you’ve seen it all; strangulation, stabbing, amputation, rape, bribery, contract hits, suicide, communication means that come from minds smarter than you’ve ever known. That’s what it takes, Frank. We’re all in this together. Us – The Aryan Brotherhood.”
“S-So I’m one of you guys now?” I asked, unsure of whether I was still figuratively on thin ice or not.
“One thing you learn in here pretty quick.” He smirked. “Is that nothing comes without a price. So the choice is yours, Frank.”
I didn’t even have to ask what his price was. Even though I had only known Glen for a week, I had already come to the conclusion that I could get him to do anything that I want, in exchange for my body. He wants to utilize the vulnerability of a whiny little asshole such as myself… okay. And maybe he’s right, maybe I don’t have what it takes yet to go at this alone. Back in Chicago, living the life of a walking empty shell, I would have rebelled and showed them that I was strong enough to make it on my own. But I’m not, and now I know that, because Gerard showed me that sometimes you need someone beside you to survive in this cruel world.
“Deal.” I said, reaching out to shake his hand.
“Alright, welcome brother.” He beamed. “First things first: tattoo.”
He reached underneath his bed, and from the underside of the baseboard, he pulled out a small needle.
“Is that thing even sterile?” I asked.
“As much as any contraband in here is. Lie down.”
I did as he commanded, and he started his work on my upper back.
“Shit! That’s way worse than a real tattoo gun!” I flinched as the needle was driven in and out of my skin.
“Oh, toughen up. I can read you; you think you’re tough shit, but you’re not. Wait until you get stabbed by a Crip shank. Those guys know how to make ‘em.”
He carried on, and although the pain was more than I was used to, I grinned and bore it. When it’s done, not only will I have Glen on my side, but the rest of the Aryan Brotherhood as well. And he's right – we’re all in this together.
I’ll find a way to save you, Gerard. I swear it. I don’t care how many people I have to kill, how many years I have to spend in this hell-hole, or even how many nights I spend on my knees or bent over the sink for Glen. I’ll find you. Somehow, some way.
Glen is a piece of work, and every day that I spend with him, the more I miss Gerard. Everything he does for me, he expects his usual form of payment; and I’m such a fucking sheep that I don’t have the guts to stand up for myself. Not because I’m scared of him, but because I’m scared of his power. That’s half my problem, and always has been; I’m scared of power, yet at the same time, I keep thinking I can somehow control the fate of this planet with my bare hands.
“Frank.” Glen grunted, completing another set of pull-ups from the rafters. “They’re planning a cleanout.”
“What the fuck is that?”
“It’s prison-code for ‘you’re going to die, very soon, if you don’t join a gang ASAP.’”
“Okay… I still don’t quite understand.” I chuckled self-consciously.
He dropped down from the rafters and wiped the sweat from his brow.
“Here’s the deal.” He said. “This happens once every few months; one gang plans a mass attack on everyone who isn’t segregated and protected. So basically, it’s curtains for you.”
“What, when is this happening?”
“A month’s time. So I heard.”
What is this, a middle school game of "He Said She Said"?
He dropped to the ground and started doing pushups from the metal bars driven into the ground, while I took to pacing nervously around him. Part of me was terrified of him, but the other part knew it wouldn’t be a good idea to leave his side. The tension is thick in the air… you can just feel it. Like an attack could break out at any moment.
After Glen mentioned it, I could definitely see the gang influence. It’s more difficult to pick out inside the unit, because for the better part of the day, you’re trapped in your fucking cell; but out here, where everyone is seen together, it’s like watching wolf packs circle each other, defensive and on-guard. And then I’m in the middle… I’m the prey that everyone wants, but no one will admit to it.
“Racial segregation.” I stated.
“You bet your sweet ass.” Glen snickered.
Cringe cringe cringe.
“Blacks, whites, and Hispanics.” He continued. “The only way to survive in this place is to join a gang, and everyone who’s survived long enough to witness a cleanout knows that all too well.”
Looking around the yard, it was easy to see that the dominant gang was the blacks. I estimated that about 40% of inmates were black, therefore contributing to what I guessed to be the most dangerous gang in the prison.
“These people don’t care. They can rip your guts out one second, and stomp on your cold dead body the next. Half of ‘em are in here for murder or attempted murder, for pete’s sake.”
Okay, Glen. I get the idea.
“Fine, where do I sign up?” I sighed in defeat.
The whistle blew, meaning it was time for us to go back inside.
“Back in the cell.” Glen grinned. “We’re gonna have some fun.”
I'm guessing your kind of fun, not mine.
We were led back into our cell, and as soon as the door was bolted shut, Glen burst out with his plan (which based on his level of eagerness, I’m guessing had been in formulation from damn near the day he met me).
“So…” He grinned deviously. “I’ve been in this place 6 years. I’ve pretty much got a handle on the place; who’s formed an alliance with who, who to buy drugs from, and who to avoid at all costs. And…”
He got up off the bunk and paced around the room with a mildly infuriating skip to his step.
“And what?” I asked, getting annoyed with him.
“And…” He said as he peered over the top of his glasses at me. “I can show you everything. You’re gonna need some protection as soon as the cleanout rolls around, and we don’t have much time left.”
“Just cut to the fucking chase.” I snapped at him. “We both know you just want to have your way with me, and honestly, I think you’d stick your dick in a cow if you could.”
Frank, you shouldn’t have said that.
He stopped in his tracks and glared at me, his eyes screaming with pride and superiority.
“And maybe I would.” He cooed. “Or, maybe I’ve been stuck in here 6 years, and my choices are to go batshit crazy, or utilize the vulnerability of whiny little assholes who alone, don’t have what it takes yet. Such as yourself.”
“Glen-“
“You do what you have to in here. A year in here, and you’ve seen it all; strangulation, stabbing, amputation, rape, bribery, contract hits, suicide, communication means that come from minds smarter than you’ve ever known. That’s what it takes, Frank. We’re all in this together. Us – The Aryan Brotherhood.”
“S-So I’m one of you guys now?” I asked, unsure of whether I was still figuratively on thin ice or not.
“One thing you learn in here pretty quick.” He smirked. “Is that nothing comes without a price. So the choice is yours, Frank.”
I didn’t even have to ask what his price was. Even though I had only known Glen for a week, I had already come to the conclusion that I could get him to do anything that I want, in exchange for my body. He wants to utilize the vulnerability of a whiny little asshole such as myself… okay. And maybe he’s right, maybe I don’t have what it takes yet to go at this alone. Back in Chicago, living the life of a walking empty shell, I would have rebelled and showed them that I was strong enough to make it on my own. But I’m not, and now I know that, because Gerard showed me that sometimes you need someone beside you to survive in this cruel world.
“Deal.” I said, reaching out to shake his hand.
“Alright, welcome brother.” He beamed. “First things first: tattoo.”
He reached underneath his bed, and from the underside of the baseboard, he pulled out a small needle.
“Is that thing even sterile?” I asked.
“As much as any contraband in here is. Lie down.”
I did as he commanded, and he started his work on my upper back.
“Shit! That’s way worse than a real tattoo gun!” I flinched as the needle was driven in and out of my skin.
“Oh, toughen up. I can read you; you think you’re tough shit, but you’re not. Wait until you get stabbed by a Crip shank. Those guys know how to make ‘em.”
He carried on, and although the pain was more than I was used to, I grinned and bore it. When it’s done, not only will I have Glen on my side, but the rest of the Aryan Brotherhood as well. And he's right – we’re all in this together.
I’ll find a way to save you, Gerard. I swear it. I don’t care how many people I have to kill, how many years I have to spend in this hell-hole, or even how many nights I spend on my knees or bent over the sink for Glen. I’ll find you. Somehow, some way.
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