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Part 19: Night Light
I felt warm with the several blankets Gerard had given me. Too warm, and my skin threatened to break out in sweat. Courtesy of Gerard's newfound motherly trait. I could see that his mother did a good job of raising him.

I leaned against him on the same couch I had shared with him not so long ago on Halloween, only now it was the two of us and we were watching the Little Mermaid. Mrs. Way, or Donna as she insisted on being called, served ravioli for dinner. Afterwards Gerard had dragged me to the living room.

I dosed off occasionally, only to be awaken by the musical numbers. I liked the movie; I was just tired from today .

Today, I thought, and felt a wave of sickness wash over me. As hard as I tried, there was no way I could block out the images, the sounds, the pain. I could feel my skin crawl, and my hand subconsciously scratched at my wrist.

"You okay?" Gerard questioned me softly. I nodded, forcing a smile onto my face.

Gerard. I don't know how or I why deserved his help or kindness. I don't know how he could possibly insist on helping me. He doesn't know that he's helping someone as disgusting as me, someone who could've passed for a corpse. It didn't matter if his gentleness warmed me; I could still feel cruel, rough hands on me, uninviting. I could still feel harsh words whispering in my ear. I could only see myself being taken unwillingly, losing...

Oh, god, I thought, starting to feel incredibly sick. It hadn't occurred to me that mere hours ago my virginity was stolen from me. I wasn't pure anymore; I was disgusting. I was an abomination. I felt dirty and filthy even if I had just bathed. I didn't deserve to be in anyone's presence.

Even Gerard's.

I wasn't really aware that I was crying until I felt Gerard's hands gently turn my face towards his, his thumbs brushing against my cheeks to wipe away the tear drops.

"I don't know what happened to you," He said softly, looking me directly in the eye. "Or what you're feeling, but I swear that everything will be alright. I will always be here for you. I promise."

You wouldn't say that if you knew, I thought. I pushed the thoughts away, burying my face into his neck, tears continuing to flow. His arms wrapped around my waist, pulling me close to him as one of his hands rubbing up and down my back. We stayed like that for a number of minutes as I quietly sobbed. I felt bad having Gerard hold me, putting him in the position of having to comfort me. I don't know how he could put up with someone as awful as me.

It wasn't until we both looked up when his family clock started to chime. My breath got caught in my throat as I saw that it was 10 P.m. My father was probably worried sick about me, and Scott even more so. I needed to get home; my father already had enough gray hairs as it is.

Gerard seemed to realize the same thing and said, "My mom washed your clothes and they're down in my room. I'll get my keys."

I nodded, pushing the blankets off and leaving our movie. I go down the stairs to Gerard's room, and like he said, found my clothes as well as underwear clean and folded on his bed. I slipped my clothes on and found my shoes by the couch I woke up on earlier. From Gerard's small window, I can make out a purplish, orangey haze and the fall of snowflakes. I walk back up and into the living room to see Mikey and Gerard exchanging quiet words. They look up as I enter, both giving me the same small smile. You can clearly see that they're brothers.

Gerard hands me my backpack and calls out to his mother, "Ma! I'm taking Willow home now!"

She rushes out from the kitchen, wiping soapy hands on her jeans. Donna pulls me into a hug and I say quiet enough for only us to hear, "Thank you...so much."

"You're are more than welcome," she says just as quietly, then pulls away resuming her normal tone. "I hope to see you again, young lady. It was nice to have another girl in the house."

"Too bad you ended up with us boys," Mikey joked.

"And it's too bad that I'll make you wish you hadn't been born when you won't finish cleaning that room of yours, mister," she popped her eyebrow up.

Mikey only rolled his eyes, and hugged me gently. Sweet Mikey. He was such a kid.

"I'll see you at school, Willow," he said, and I nodded as I turned my lip up slightly.

"Bye, guys," Gerard said and I gave them a wave, stepping out into the cold night air, greeted by a rush of snowflakes.

The snow crunched under my feet as we walked to Gerard's car. He unlocked the door for me and closed it when I get settled into the passengers seat. He ran around the front and into the driver's, starting the car up and turning the heat up. We pulled away from his home and made a u-turn down the street to my part of town. Light music played in the background, The Cure I think, as I layed back into the worn leather of the seat. I was fine with the silence apart from the music and Gerard's fingers strumming on the steering wheel. It calmed me down a bit, made me forget and notice the smaller things. Like the way the heated air hit my face like tiny pins and warmed my nose and cheeks, or how when the snowflakes stuck to the car window and how close you can see every unique design.

It didn't take me long to doze off, and before darkness shrouded my mind I had one thought.

I never really did find out if Ariel marries Prince Eric, or if she ever got her voice back.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I wake up to Gerard shaking me gently, and I groan quietly, opening my eyes only still have sleep coating them.

"We're here," he says, and I look outside the window. All the lights in my house were on, meaning that everyone was still awake, probably waiting for me.

I nod, stretching my arms and back only for them to contract quickly from how sore they were. I look back towards the house. Scott and dad would want to know why I hadn't called them. My palms were getting clammy until Gerard took one of my hands, squeezing it gently. He brushed a strand of hair away from my face comfortingly.

"It'll be okay," he promised. I sigh and nod, the both of us getting out of his car.

Gerard carried my backpack in one hand and puts an arm around me reassuringly as he walks me to the door. Just as we step onto the porch, the door opens abruptly with Scott standing there, arms crossed on his chest.

"Inside, Willow," he said in a stern voice. His face was straight, and I cringed at the edge he had. I've rarely seen this part of my brother and I didn't like it.

I exhaled quietly, and nodded. I turned to hug Gerard goodnight and he wrapped his arms around me carefully, mindful of the bruises. My head rested under his chin and I shivered as he rubbed my back.

His lips moved to my ear and he softly said, "If you need anything, anything at all, just text or call me. I'll be here anytime you need me."

I nodded into his shirt and pulled away, giving him a forced smile. I took my backpack from him and walked into the house, brushing past Scott and up the stairs. He lingered outside and I could hear their muffled voices.

"So, Gerard," Scott said. "Any reason for her being out late on a Friday night?"

"There are good reasons, Scott," Gerard said quietly, as if he was afraid to wake the whole neighborhood. "I found her."

"What do you mean 'you found her'?"

"I-I don't know, I just found her. She was knocked out or maybe fainted and it was snowing and she looked so damn cold and my house was close by and I don't know what happened to her and she won't tell m--" Gerard rambled until Scott cut him off.

"Whoa, okay, slow down. So you don't know?"

"No. She's worrying me, man. She was so scared when she woke up..."

I hear a sigh as I listen.

"Well, thanks, kid, for finding her. I owe you one."

"No, it's cool. I better get going."

"But, hey, Gerard?"

"Yes?"

"I'm glad she has someone like you. She really needs a friend."

There's a silence between the two of them, and somehow I hold my breath for his response.

"Yeah..." Gerard sighs. "I'd never give her up."

As his footsteps fade away, I walk up the rest of the stairs. I shut my bedroom door behind me and sink onto my bed. I lie on my side, watching the snow fall outside my window. I get up slowly and strip out of my clothes. When I pull my shirt over my head, my nose catches the scent of detergent Donna used, reminding me Gerard. When I unclasped my bra, my fingers brushed over the bruises on my back and I shrink back in pain. Gerard vaninshed as my thoughts became of Brandon. I shivered, a wave of nausea washing over me.

How could I ever go back to school on Monday? He was in my Biology class, he wouldn't let me be. It was obvious.

I dress into a gray long sleeved shirt and polyester purple pajama pants. I get into bed, throwing the sheets over my head and turn off my lamp. There's a small blue night light, though, illuminating the dark walls of my room. It was one of those night lights with the little snow globe and changeable color light bulbs. The flakes were glitter and stars that floated, creating stars on the ceiling. When I was little, I was terrified of the dark, not being able to sleep in my own room. One day my mom came home from the store and took me by hand to my room.

"I got you something, sweetie," she said, pulling a box out of the plastic bag.

"What is it?" Five-year old me asked.

"Something to help you sleep," she replied, moving to sit by the outlet next to my door.

I watch closely as she opened the box and pulled out a small snowglobe attached to a plug. I looked into the small box and pulled out a small bag of different colored bulbs.

"Mama, what do these do?" I hand them to her as she opens the bottom of the night light.

"These make pretty colors for you when you sleep," she said, tearing the bag open and showing them to me. "What color do you like the most?" I stick my tongue out to the side of my mouth as I think, finally deciding on the blue one. "I like blue, too."

She screws the bulb in and plugs it into the outlet. "Turn off the light, baby girl."

I do what she asks and the little girl I was was struck in awe. I sat next to my mother as we looked up at the ceiling, entranced by the blue floating stars on the walls.

"Wow..." I sigh.

"It's pretty, isn't it?" She smiled down at me, to which I nodded quickly to.

I've used my night light ever since, even when I was well into my thirteenth birthday. Scott would always make fun of me for never discarding it, but it never phased me because it held so much sentimental value. And now, at seventeen, I looked up at the ceiling, watching the glowing little stars in blue light dance across the room. Even at a time like this, I could seek a little bit of comfort.

I blinked, and one or two tears escaped and I wiped them away. All I wished was for everything to be okay like Gerard said it would be. I just wanted everything to be okay. I didn't want to feel ugly or useless like everyone thought. I wished I could be strong and pretty, or have everyone just be nice to me.

Gerard is nice, I thought to myself, he cares about you, and so does Scott, and Max, the twins, Dad, and the boys.

But I couldn't be sure. They could do a complete 180 and treat me like everyone at school. You could never be too sure. Everything was so confusing; I couldn't tell black from white, or white from black. I was just being a fool by questioning everyone and their actions; no one really cared. I'm just a side effect, I eventually concluded. A side effect of what happens when you try to be good enough. Trying to be pretty, trying to fight off Brandon, trying to be a good sister and daughter. I bet even the boys thought I was stupid to think I would ever be friends with them. Gerard probably thought I was pathetic and just pitied me. It was the logical reason of why he even took care of me. No ever really cared about me.

No one really cared.