FicWad

It's painful, agonizing, it's torturing me day in and day out. Why did I have to fall for someone who is so unobtainable? Why is it that he seems just so perfect in my eyes? What makes me think that he will ever love me the same way? Why does he have to be my brother?

I know what you're thinking. You're thinking that I'm some kind of pervert, or creepy pedophile. Well it's not my fault that Mikey's so amazing. He's smart, adorably sweet, and so fucking beautiful. He doesn't have room in his heart to hate anyone. He's so nice to everyone, and that worries me sometimes. I worry that one of these days, somebody is going to take advantage of him and that he's never going to trust anyone ever again. I really want to keep that from happening to him.

I feel like a terrible brother. I'm not around him anymore, even though I know he needs me. He suffers from bullying, loneliness, and nightmares that make him wake up screaming. I really do want to be there for him, but I'm afraid that my love for him will take over and that I'm going to end up hurting him. It's been three months since I last spoke to him, since I last touched him. I miss being around him. I just hope he knows that I don't hate him.

I need so badly to tell someone about this. I can't tell Mikey because... yeah, and I can't tell my parents because I don't know how badly they'd take it. I do, however, have a friend who I believe might be able to handle it. So I do the only thing I know how and I call my friend. Within the hour, Ray is at my door. We go directly to my room, and instantly, he asks, "What's wrong?"

I knew he'd know something's up. That phone call was brief, and it left out some vital information, so I have a lot of explaining. "Well... you gotta promise not to hate me... and not to say a word about this to anyone, and I mean that." I say. The normal carefree look in his eyes clouds over into total seriousness. "I promise, Gerard." He tells me. I swallow, then realizing that my mouth has gone dry. My hands are sweating and my heart is pounding wildly in my chest. "Well I... I-I.. I'm kind of... in love..." I begin. Ray doesn't let me finish. "In love? Gerard, you had me worried that you did something wrong! This is amazing, who is it?" He asks.

I freeze right there. How am I supposed to tell him that the one that I love is the one that I shouldn't? I stare at the ground before whispering, "Mikey." I look at him again, now he looks confused. "What did you say? I didn't hear you fully. I thought you said Mikey, but that would be incestuous, and that's kind of illegal and...." He trails off, finally seeing that the look in my eyes meant he had guessed correctly.

"Oh Gerard, you love Mikey?" He asks gently. I nod, looking away again. "Yes, and I know it's wrong, but I can't seem to escape it! He's absorbed my mind, clouded my every thought, corrupted all my dreams, and I like it! I don't know what to do, Ray! What do I do?" I feel my voice raising. I'm getting worried that he can't handle it, that he's going to tell somebody, that I really couldn't trust him after all. I don't know how to cope with it anymore. it's driving me nuts.

My body is shaking and my head is spinning. A pair of hands grip my shoulders. "Okay, first thing you need to do is calm down. Can you do that for me?" He asks soothingly. I don't know how he can stay so relaxed at times like these. I nod, taking short deep breaths. As soon as my breathing and heartbeat regulate, I lay my head on my friends shoulder. "Okay, that's good. Now," He shifts the both of us so that we're face to face. "I think you need to tell Mikey. He deserves to know the truth."

I know he's right, but I'm too scared. I can't tell Mikey, he'd hate me, he'd never talk to me again. "Ray... I can't." I whisper. He stares at me and smiles comfortingly. "You can, you have to. He has the right to know why you've been avoiding him for so long." He says. I know that he's trying to make me more comfortable with things, but it's just impossible. "B-but... he'll hate me." I mumble. He smiles again. "No, Mikey's more understanding than that. I think he'll be okay, and I know he'll help you with this." He tells me.

I nod, knowing that the best time to do it, is right now. I can't go back, not now, not ever. I pull away from my friend, then to give him a hug. "Thank you so much Ray." I tell him. He smiles and hugs me back. "No problem, I'm here for you, Gerard." He says. I pull back again and walk out of the room, leaving Ray there. I know he'd probably be doing homework or playing my video games when I come back.

I stop in front of Mikey's door, breath catching again. I'm scared, more scared that I probably ever have in my whole life. My hand is shaking as it lightly taps the wood. Part of me is hoping that my little brother is asleep, or not in his room, or just not home in general, the other part is just... scared. To my luck, I hear the locks shift and the door open a little bit. I see his face, tired and worn. He's not letting me see him fully, and I know that there's a reason. "G-gerard?" He says.

I try to push the door open more, but he has it stopped with his foot. He's holding back from me. "Mikey, can I come in?" I ask. He shakes his tired head and I frown. "Why not?" I ask. He pauses for a moment and stares up at me beneath his glasses. "I don't want you seeing me like this." He mumbles. With that said, I pushed the door open, sending him stumbling backwards. I catch his wrist, keeping him from falling. When I see why he doesn't want me seeing him, my heart breaks.

His nose is bleeding, he has cuts and bruises all over him. They got to him again. Those bastards from school took it too far. I stare at Mikey and let him go. He looks at the ground and wraps his arms around himself. "I told you..." He whispers. I shake my head and felt tears in my eyes. "Why did you let them do this to you Mikes?" I ask. He looks up at me and I notice that he's crying too. "I didn't.. they just... they didn't let me go. I was scared Gee... r-really scared." He says in a shaky voice.

I come closer to him and wrap my arms around his thin body. "I'm so sorry Mikey, I really am. I'm sorry I abandoned you. I'm sorry I've been avoiding you. I wish I could have been there, to help you. I'm so so sorry Mikes." I mutter softly into his ear. His skinny arms wrap around my neck as he cries into my shoulder. I stay like that, letting him get it all out. He lets out achingly loud sobs into my shirt, crying loudly for a long time.

I try desperately to calm him down, and failing. Once he finally does relax, we sit on the bed, his head buried in the crook of my neck. "You didn't do anything wrong Gery.... you've been the best big brother in the world... I love you." He mumbles. I smiled, holding him close. I press my lips to his head and sighed. If only he knew that I love him in a completely different way. But I can't tell him now, he's far too stressed for it now.

After he calms down, I know it's time to tell him. "Mikey, can I tell you something?" I ask. He shifts and looks up at me. "What is it Gee?" He whispers. I smile a little and kiss his forehead. "I want you to know that I don't want to hurt you, and I really wanna look out for you..." I begin. He nods and smiles gently. "You can tell me." He tells me. I swallow and hold him looser, in case he wants to escape, but still held on just in case he wants to stay there. "I love you."

He giggles that adorable little giggle of his. "I know you do Gee. You tell me all the time." He says. I blush a bit and looked away a bit. "I do tell you that... but... I mean... I love you... more than you think.." I whisper at that last part. He stares in confusion and sits up. "Do you mean that you.... love me? Like... like... that?" He asks. My heart breaks at the sound of that. It was obvious to me that he didn't really want it to be like that.

I nod carefully and I notice him blushing, I also notice (or think I notice... a ghost of a smile). I hear him mumble something that I can't understand. "What did you say Mikey?" I ask. He looks up at me and smiles a bit. "I love you too." He says. I feel my heart skip a beat at that. Did he mean it like... like I love him? I just can't be sure.

I wait for a moment and he frowns. My silence was probably not the best idea. "I'm sorry Gee...." He whispers, starting to pull away from me. Without thinking, I pull him back, causing our lips to collide. I gasp and relax into him. His arms wrap around my neck again and I pull him closer. It feels amazing, everything I had expected, but so much more.

He pulls back and stares at me. He giggles again and hugs me. "Oh thank you Gee, I thought you'd never understand how I feel! I'm so happy!" He says. I laugh a bit and smile. "What do you mean?" I ask. He looks at me, then sits on my lap, pressing his lips to my ear. "I mean... I've loved you for so long, I never thought that I'd be able to be open with it though. Not in a million years." He whispers.

I smile and hold him close for a while. When he lets go, he crawls off my lap and lays on the bed. "Now get out." He giggles. I stand up and look at him, putting a hand on my hip. "Excuse me?" I ask sarcastically. He sits up and smiles. "I said get out. Ray's probably bored out of his mind. I know he's here. He's here all the time." He says. I smile and lean towards him, kissing him softly. My lips linger there for a while before I break off and walk back to my room.

The feeling in my chest is so amazing. It feels like an entire weight has been lifted. He loves me back, that's the best thing that could ever happen. Although Ray is probably expecting for Mikey to bring me out of my crush, I think he'll be okay with me keeping it there for just a little longer.... or forever... whichever fits best. I'm hoping for forever.

A problem showed up from there. What are my parents going to say? Do they even need to know? What if they just find out? Will they take him from me? I don't want to leave him. He's my everything now. All that I need in life. Mikey is my world. I can't lose him, not after I found out that he does love me back. Not ever.



The next few days have been the most amazing of my life. Mikey's been beside me almost the whole time. We've stayed at home a lot and Ray has kindly stepped to the background, hanging out with Frank and Bob. My parents have, however, realized that suddenly, I'm back in Mikey's life after three months of avoiding. I don't think they mind though, I think they're more than happy. I just got home from school and instantly planted myself on the couch.

Mikey comes home and does nothing, he doesn't even look at me, or say a word. He just walks quickly past the couch and to his room. Worried, I get to my feet and walk to his door. I knock and lightly call, "Mikey?" There is not answer, only soft cries muffle from his pillow. I try to open the door, only to find it locked. "Mikes honey, open the door." I say. I hear him call, "No." I frown and lean against the wall. "Baby, what's wrong? I can help you, I promise."

I hear the door unlock, and I see his head poke out a little bit. He's bruised again and this time, I don't wait to walk in, I just do. When I do, I see that it's worse than it was the last time. He's bloody all over. He's got bruises everywhere, and it looks like he might even have a broken nose. I walk toward him and take his face in my hands. "Mikey, did you let them do this again? Why didn't you call me? Why didn't you just tell me?" I ask. He cries more and I let him go.

"It's because I don't want you worrying about me, Gerard. I'm fine... I-I can handle it." He says. I think I can trust him, but I'm not sure. I notice his body shaking lightly and I take his slight frame in my arms. "Baby, I'm so sorry this happened... I really want to be here for you, and that involves stopping this damn bullying. I swear, tomorrow, I'm going to go right up to them and force them to stop. And if that means I have to beat the shit out of them, I will. Now, who's hurting you?" I say. He shakes his head and I kiss his forehead. "Who is it?" I press.

He shakes his head again and whimpers. I ask again, and this time, he responds. "It's Bert and Jarrod! They do this to me! They're your friends, and they hurt me!" He cries. He buries his face in my shoulder like a few days before, only this time, he instantly rips himself away from me and sits on his bed. I stand there in shock. Bert and Jarrod... the are my friends, or at least I thought they were. I can't forgive them. They're hurting Mikey, and I will not let that one slide.

I sit beside Mikey and put my hand on his face. He pulls away and looks at the ground. "No, Gerard. I don't want this!" He shouts. I stand up and raise an eyebrow. "What don't you want?" I ask. He stares at me and glares. "I don't want you!!!!" He screams. I feel my heart sink to my stomach. He doesn't want me... he doesn't want me... he doesn't... "What do you mean?" I whisper. He stands up and grabs my collar, shaking me violently. "You're the reason they hurt me! And I really don't want to be beaten senseless for the rest of my life, and I can't get away from it while you're hanging around me all the time! I want you gone!!!"

I stare in shock, wondering what to think of this. He doesn't want me anymore. Does that mean he doesn't want the relationship? Or does it mean he wants me completely out of his life again? Shakily, I pull myself away from him, walking out the door without saying a word. He grabs my shoulder and I spin around. The anger and the hurt in his eyes are gone. "B-but Gerard... before you leave me.." He whispers. With that said, he pulls me to him, kissing my lips gently for what could be the last time.

I try to make the kiss last for as long as it can, but he pushes me away from him gently. I swallow, nod, and walk out of his room. I walk into my own and sit on my bed. Tears spring from my eyes instantly, letting all my sorrows out. I sob loudly for a while, probably sounding childish for this. But how could I not? I just lost the love of my life because my 'friends' hurt him. I don't want to let that go, I want revenge.

I grab my phone and call Ray. He picks up, sounding tired. "Yes, Gerard?" He asks. I swallow again and lean against the headboard. "R-ray... you have to come over, you gotta help me do something." I tell him. He comes over right away. He walks into my room and sits on the edge of my bed. "What's wrong, Gerard?" He asks quietly. I sit up, and a new look has formed in my eyes. Instead of one of hurt and loss, it's full on vengeance.

I tell him of my plan, and at first, he doesn't want to do it. He doesn't see a point. I grab his shoulder and glare. "Those two have been hurting my baby brother. It's taken him away from me and I want him back. The only way I can do that, is by showing them who's boss." I say in a low voice. Ray nods, backing up a bit. He stands, straightening up. He takes my hand and pulls me to my feet. "Let's go kick some ass." He says with a grin on his face. I knew I could count on him.

I call Bert, doing my best to sound totally happy and completely calm. "Yellow!" He says. Normally, I say something back along the lines of like, 'red' or 'green', but this time, I get straight to it. "Bert, get Jarrod and meet me and Ray at the old park. I wanna tell you something really important." I say. I hear a lazy moan from the other end. "Come on, Gerard, can't it wait until tomorrow?" He asks. I suck in a deep breath to keep from yelling. "No, Bert, it can't, you gotta come, now." I tell him. He groans, obviously annoyed. "Whatever, but it had better be good." He said. With that, I hung up, grinning evilly. "Oh yeah, it's gonna be good." I said.



When Ray and I get to the park, we see the two already there, waiting for us. I get out of the car and Bert looks at me. "So what is it dude? I had to literally drag Jarrod out of his house to get him over here. Why do you look so mad?" He says. I didn't even have to respond, I instantly pinned Bert to a wall. "I swear, if you ever touch Mikey again, I will rip out your insides and hang you with them." I growl. He stares at me as if he doesn't know what I'm talking about. I slam him harder against the bricks. "Dammit, Bert! Mikey told me what you and Jarrod did! He told me that you were hurting him! And I swear it you, it has been the last time!" I shout.

I look over and see that Ray has done the same to Jarrod. 'Well done.' I think to myself. I turn back to Bert, who now has some guilt in his eyes. I slam a fist into his jaw and a knee into his stomach. He lets out a strange growl and pounces on me... the fight has begun.



Ray and I escape with only a few scratches and cuts, a lot less damage than that which was just done to Bert and Jarrod. The two of us sit in his car, breathing heavily. "I don't think... they're gonna... do that again." Ray pants. I look over and grin. "I don't either." I say. We sit there for a little while longer before Ray says, "Let's go... tell Mikey." I nod and sit back, closing my eyes. I'm so happy that they might actually be done hurting my baby brother, and that may even give me a chance to be with him again.

When Ray pulls up to my house, he looks at me. "I gotta go home, you tell him the good news. I think he'd much rather hear it from you anyway." He says. I smile and give him a hug. "Thank you Ray, you're the best." I say. I hope out of the car and run into the house. "Mikey!" I call out. I run up the stairs and to his room. I knock on the door and smile widely. He doesn't answer so I go in, and what I see is the most shocking and the most heartbreaking thing in the world.

It's proved too much for him. I'm not sure what's proved to much for him, but it has. I walk forward, noticing how confused he was. There's a gun in his hand, a bottle of pills on the dresser, and a knife in his throat, I also see a rope on the floor. He didn't know how to handle it, if 'it' being the bullying, or the secret of our incestuous relationship, but he couldn't handle it. He also didn't know how to go. Considered shooting, overdosing, hanging, and the last and chosen option, slitting his throat.

I'm not crying though, and I'm not screaming, I'm just standing here, and if that makes me seem heartless, the so be it. I can't do either of them, I just can't bring myself to do it. I stand here, in total shock to see that my baby brother, the one I've been in love with for so long, has killed himself. I lean over his body, staring into his glazed over, lifeless eyes. I wonder what he was last thinking. What was going through that adorable head of his before he did it. Was it me? Was it Mom or Dad? Was it someone that he was truly in love with?

I swallow and sit on his bed, picking his dead body up in my arms, kissing his cold forehead. I close my eyes and notice that there were, in fact, tears in my eyes. This doesn't phase me, even though it should. It doesn't phase me because I know it won't be long until I'm with him again. Yes, I'm going to join him, today. Right now. I gently grab the gun from his cold dead hand and press it to my temple. I would put it in my mouth, but I want the last thing I feel to be Mikey's lips on mine. I lean toward him and kiss him for what certainly is the last time. Last time when we're alive anyway. I close my eyes as my finger wraps around the trigger, and fires.