FicWad

Disclaimer: I do not nor will i ever own Harry Potter. He is J.K.Rowling's and Warner Bros., forever and always, i'm just having fun.


..........I can't think of anything to say, so I guess I just wont talk, eh?

Oh! Wait! Um, you'll notice some inconsistencies in the chapters, 'cuz they sound different, depending on what character I get into, you know? That's why Petunia's chapter was all... bad-ified.

Yeah, umm..... The 'p' button my computer is an ass, so there'll prolly be more spelling mistakes then usual. Sorry. Just thought you oughtta know, k?

X


Stray scowled as he looked at the table, loaded to insane proportions with presents. "You'd think he didn't already have a room full of crap he doesn't need." he muttered, flipping his hair over his shoulders. "Looks like he got the second television he wanted, though. Pig."

Harry nodded in agreement. The Durselys were outside, talking to the over-the-fence neighbors, so Stray was at a level of ease one didn't see often, and he couldn't help but smile. "If it bothers you so much, you make the bacon and I'll try to catch the table on fire with my eyes, okay?"

Stray rolled his eyes. "But it's so much fun." he whined in mock-misery. "Besides, I think I've almost got it. See that round shaped one? It's darker than it was a minute ago. I think it's charred."

"That one's in the sun, and a cloud just past over it."

"Don't ruin my fun, Harry. Party pooper."

It was Harry's turn to roll his eyes. Finishing up with the bacon, he put it on a plate, setting it on the last small square of space. "Well. That's finished. What now?"

"Uh..." Stray thought for a moment, before his head snapped too the door. "Here they come." he murmured, backing away so quickly he hit the wall. Harry sighed, though by this time he was used to his twin's reactions.

The Durselys came in, managing to make the large room downright claustrophobic, talking loudly and just being downright too big. Dudley was throwing a fit over the number of presents, while Petunia and Vernon tried to placate him. Honestly, 37 presents and he wanted more?? Stray and Harry hadn't received a gift in their life, how could the fat louse not see how horribly over-treated* he was?!

The phone beside Stray rang, and Petunia walked over to answer it. The long-haired child scurried away and to Harry's side, avoiding Aunt Petunia like they were opposite magnetic fields. The green-eyed boy watched his cousin tear through his gifts at a rapid speed, longing in his eyes, whilst the grey-eyed one kept his full attention on Petunia.

A few minutes later, Stray tugged Harry's sleeve. "Mrs. Figg broke her leg." he whispered, keeping his voice low. "We might get to stay home this time!"

Harry's eyes widened, and his gaze snapped to the skinny blonde woman.

"Bad news, Vernon." she said, wringing her hands. "Mrs. Figg's broken her leg. She can't take them." she jerked her head to the smallest members of the house.

Dudley's mouth dropped open in horror, causing Harry and Stray to wince. Half chewed, slobbery toast was less then fun to clean up off of the kitchen floor.

"We could phone Marge." suggested Vernon. Ooh, fun. The only person in the world more obnoxious than Dudley. Joy.

"Don't be silly Vernon, she hates the brats!"

"What about what's-her-name, your friend ---- Yvonne?"

"On vacation in Majorca."

"You could leave us here." suggested Harry timidly. He knew not to sound to hopeful, or else they'd never allow it.

Petunia looked positively revolted by the idea. "And come home to find the house in ruins!?"

"We could do chores until you come back." murmured Stray.

Petunia ignore him. "We could take them to the zoo... and lock them up in the car."

"Illegal." muttered Stray.

"That car's brand new, they aren't sitting in it alone!"

Dudley started balling big, fat, fake tears.

"Dinky Duddydums, don't cry! Mummy wont let them spoil your special day!" she cried, flinging her arms around his fat girth.

"I.. don't... want... them...t-t-to come!" he wailed between huge pretend sobs. He wasn't even a good actor, for crying out loud! "They always sp-spoil everything!"

The doorbell rang and Rat-Face came in, not even waiting for it to be opened. Like he lived there or something, the prick. Dudley stopped crying at once, and the two chums adjourned to Dudley's room to play video games.

Finally it was decided that they would have to go with them, as there was nothing else that could be done. They drove without incident to the zoo, Harry and Stray silent, communicating only with their eyes ('we have to be careful' 'this should be fun' 'god's Dudley is stupid'), Vernon yelling at random people with the windows rolled up ("DAMNED HOODLUMS AND THEIR MOTORCYLES!"), and Petunia shooting commenting snidely to Stray about the red-light district girls ("You'll be one of them soon enough, I expect, and get all your business from Boy. Filthy freaks").

They finally reached the zoo. It was a slightly crowded Saturday, but it had a nonetheless pleasant atmosphere. Dudley and Piers got chocolate ice-creams at the entrance, and Harry and Stray shared a cheap lemon pop. The Durselys only got it for them because they didn't want the ice-cream lady to notice them lacking, but it probably would have worked better had they said they hated sweets. Or, better yet, bought two. They didn't really care, though. It was good.

And besides, they got to have Dudley's knickerbockers-glory at the zoo restaurant. He threw a fit when it didn't have a high enough fat-content, so it went to the wolves. They were happy little wolves though, sporting identical smiles behind their spoons.

Afterwards, they all trudged over to the birds. Or rather, most of them did. Stray and Harry had to wait outside, because the second they stepped in all the feathered rodents went crazy.

Stray sighed, putting up a hand to shadow his face. "Harry...?" he asked after a few minutes of relative silence.

"Yeah?"

"Today's been... nice."

"Yes, it has."

"I don't trust it."

"I know. Me neither."

They sighed as one. They may have started to look less and less like each other, but their minds were closer then they ever had been. With only a few exceptions, they were usually thinking along the same lines, or at least had the same opinions.

Soon the family plus one was in the Reptile House. The animals paid no notice to the twins entrances, and thus they were left mostly to their own devices.

"I love snakes." murmured Harry, walking sideways as he perused the many sleeping or lazing animals. "They're fascinating, don't you think, Stray?"

"I guess." he said, following behind his brother. "They're beautiful, yes. They'd probably look better with legs, though."

"The lizards are over there."

"I wasn't talking about lizards."

"Snakes with legs equal lizards."

"I'll save you the shame of losing and just end this argument now, alright Harry?"

Smiling, Harry moved in front of a huge Reticulated Python that Dudley had recently left. He was roughly 15-20 feet long with green and dark-green scales. He was lazing around a few rocks, watching them with disinterest. "Look, Stray! Isn't he beautiful?"

"He?"

"Yes. He. I can tell."

They fell into silence for a while, simply watching the magnificent creature, before Stray turned his cool grey eyes on him. "Talk to it."

"Huh?"

"You talk like a snake in your sleep. All the time. You hiss when Dudley chases us sometimes. I think you can talk to them."

"That's stupid."

"Come on!" he pleaded, putting his hands together, giving him his cutest look. "Just this once? For me?"

Harry rolled his eyes, looking to the snake out of the corner of his eye. "Must really stink being stuck in there all the time, huh? Gotta deal with whack-jobs like him all the time?"

The snake, amazingly enough, seemed to snicker, sliding up to the glass and looking him in the eye.

Stray smirked. "Told ya. Those hissing noises were cool, though... Hey, it's looking at me funny. You weren't talking about me, were you?"

"Of course not!" Harry laughed. "Was I really hissing?"

"Would I lie?"

"Yes."

"Oh. Right." Stray looked at the snake, who was watching their exchange with oddly intelligent awareness. "Well you did. And you'd best keep talking to him, too. It's rude to just leave off."

Harry nodded, looking back at the Python, feeling more than a tad stupid. "Hi there.... I'm Harry. What's your name?"

"Ssssalazar." the snake hissed slowly. It was muffled by the glass, and heavily accented, but there was no doubt in Harry's mind that he had spoken. "Who issss your companion? Your mate?"

"Mate? What iss a mate?"

"The one you are with forever." Salazar said, tongue flicking out slightly. "You have a nesst together, raissse your eggssss.... That ssort of thing."

"Oh... Oh! Umm, no, we aren't matess." blushed Harry. The giant snake thought that he and Stray were married! "Where would you get any idea like that, Sssalazer?"

The snake flicked it's head, the equivalent of a shrug. "Jusst curious. You are both old enough, I'd wager, and you sssstay ssso clossse. It made sssense."

Harry smiled weakly. "That is Ssstray. He issss my brother."

"Isss he not a ssnake sspeaker alssso?"

"No, I don't think ssso."

Salazar moved sideways, coming eye-to-eye with Stray through the glass. "Hello? Human girl/boy? Do you underssstand me?" he said as clear as he could. Stray didn't respond, just cocked his head slightly to the side. "If you were a ssnake I would make many eggssss with you. I would tie you in a knot and you wouldn't be able to wiggle your way out until the nexxxt mating ssseassson.... Ssstill nothing? Very well." he turned his head back to Harry, who was practically choking on suppressed laughter. "Your nesst-mate isss not a ssspeaker. If he were he would have been insssane to ssstay quiet. I am quite tempting, after all."

Harry tried to respond, only managing to snort into his hand.

"Are you alright, Ssspeaker-Harry?"

"That... wasss hilarious!" Harry cackled breathlessly, practically falling over. It was a miracle that they hadn't yet attracted anyone's attention.

"What wasss?" asked Salazar curiously, though there was slight mischief in his tone. "I wasss quite ssserioussse. Your Sstray would make a gorgeous sssserpant! Why, if he had ssscales I would be wrapped around him like a Ball Python in the middle of a ssstampede!

Stray looked between Harry and Salazar. "Okay. Now I know you're talking about me. What'd he say?"

Harry looked up to tell him, but the mere sight of him sent the poor child into hysterics.

Meanwhile, Dudley and Piers had grown bored of looking at all the sleepy reptiles. They looked towards the muffled laughter, seeing a rather put-out Stray, and a hysterical Harry. They only spent a moment being curious, before they spotted the swaying snake. "WOW! LOOK WHAT IT'S DOING!" shouted the single dumbest kid at Franklin Primary.

Wasting no time, the pig and rat look-alikes ran over, shoving Harry roughly into his brother, causing them both to sprawl out on the floor. They glared daggers at the fat blonde's head, until suddenly, with no real explanation, it disappeared. Before they even got the chance to wonder why the hell Dudley was in the tank and Salazar was on the floor, everyone was screaming and Salazar was brushing against Stray and Harry on his way out the door.

"It was wonderful chatting with you!" Salazar called back as he hurried round a corner, his tail smashing open dozens of other tanks on it's way out. "I'll be sure to look you two up sometime! Arrivederci!"**

After that, roughly a zillion other snakes made their escapes. The larger ones smashing open tanks on their way out and the smaller ones simply heading for the hills. The Durselys had grabbed Dudley and Piers and ran for it, as had most parents done for their kids. A few teenagers had tried to get to Stray and Harry(not that they were in any danger. Every single snake said 'thank you' on it's way out) but had given up when a Boa Constrictor moved it's 10-foot girth between them as it left.

Needless to say, Harry and Stray simply walked out a few minutes later. The zoo was shut down for a week and many people were called. Afterwards Dudley and Peirs were checked for trauma, and the twins checked for bites. When they were all announced as 'perfectly fine' the Dursely's bustled them into the car to go home.

Unfortunatly, Harry and Stray's abnormally good day was brought to an abrupt halt when Piers calmed down enough to look at them and say "You two were talking to that snake though. Weren't you?"

Vernon and Petunia waited until Piers was dropped off at the Polkas house, and Dudley was in his room before rounding on the small underweight children under his care. He sputtered slightly, so angry he couldn't speak, before settling with grabbing Harry roughly by the back of his neck, and Stray by his hair. He threw them so hard into their cupboard that their heads were reeling before managing to hiss out "Stay--- in cupboard---- no meals--- no leaving" before slamming it closed and collapsing onto the living room sofa, intent on drinking himself into a stuper before the end of the hour.

X


*not a word. I made it up.
** good-bye in Italian

Chapter 5 is done. It took my about three days excavation in my room to find my old Sorcerers Stone book to make sure it followed the events right. I dunno why I kept thinking Mrs. Norris was attacked in #1. I had a lot facts screwed up, so I ended up having to read the book all over again. Sorry it took so long. I had to go meet my boyfriend's family for the weekend, and they already had this thing about me. Oh well. They sucked royally, but it was fun being a total jack-ass behind their backs. Dating the Black sheep end of the gene-pool is fun, no? Ah well. Please read and review, it took forever for me get the stuff to write this

I HATE SNAKES! EW!