Categories > Celebrities > Panic! At The Disco > The Twists and Turns of Fate
A/N Last flood of updating chapters. I've been putting them on my blog but I forgot I put them on here, so.
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(Ryan's Pov)
Spencer and I were always morons when we're together. Spencer said he wanted to go far away, hopefully a half hour was far enough. So we are, just for a few hours. We talk about a few things, Brendon and Jon coming up for only a bit. This is about clearing our minds, really. If anything Brendon makes me distracted, enough to make me space out and forget about the road ahead of me.
So we talk about the weird winding highway that never seems to end, and how crazy it is that the sun doesn't set until nine this time of year. When we aren't talking about the sun, we're not talking at all.
“All was golden in the sky,” Words come to my head, and I say them with a calm slip of my tongue.
Spencer rests his head on the back of his seat, “All was golden when the day met the night.”
I hum a bit, pulling over on the bridge. It's a big drop, probably about four stories. Here is where I learned to be fearless. Nobody has died here, with the deep water underneath and the shore being far away, maybe people have. I just never found out. We get out of the car and take off my shirt, and Spencer follows. We go one at a time.
I'm always first.
I pull myself up on one of the beams and hold onto the cables, staring straight ahead of me where the sunset is. It's getting colder out, but not uncomfortable against my bare torso. The water is flat as glass, and I have no concern over my safety.
I think of my mother, who would be scared of me doing this. I think of Brendon.
Brendon.
My mom.
Both sick. Both in my life.
I'm like a bad luck charm.
What's even the point of coming back up after I jump?
Not here. Not in front of Spencer.
I feel him grab my shoulder, he's now standing next to me. “Are you upset? Like, upset-upset?”
“No, I'm fine. It's just a good night. Thought I'd enjoy it before I jump.” I lie, hoping Spencer doesn't notice.
He backs away and I look down and jump.
I hold my breath and feel the wind rushing against me before I am fully submerged. The water is cold, sending a bolt of electricity through me. It's March. I should have known it wouldn't be warm yet. I make my way to the surface, shaking out my hair and squeezing water out of my eyes. I'm fine.
The only thing that goes through my mind at a time like this is get out. I see Spencer jump from the corner of my eye as I crawl out, shivering. Getting back to the car is a bit of a challenge, pushing my way through the brush shirtless is a task I don't always look forward too.
Spencer meets me back up at the car, and I throw a towel at him. After turning on the heater after enough time, our lips are no longer purple. “I swear I saw something down there, man.” Spencer says, a mixture of emotions to his voice. I just grin, staring at the highway in front of me. “A really big fish. Like, mutated kind of big. What if radioactivity-”
“Take a nap, Spence.” I interrupt, laughing at him. He just scoffs and turns on the radio. A few songs come on that we like, both of us singing along until I stop in front of Spencer's house. “G'night.”
“Night,”
Once I arrive home, my father is sitting in front of the refrigerator. I stand behind him, frozen.
“I did something bad,” He admits. I look over his shoulder, I six pack of beer sitting there. I smile just for a moment and it falls, glad he realizes his own mistakes for once. “I'm really sorry,”
“It's fine, go sit on the couch. Have you eaten?” I take the beer and put it on the table. I'll throw it out later. Or give it to my neighbors.
He shakes his head. “I can make pasta.”
And I do. I give him his dinner and eat mine in my room. Checking my phone, I see a text from Amanda.
“Wanna hang out tonight?”
I sigh, Amanda is one of my best friends, and if I would have planned my day better homework I would have said yes. Instead I just tell her the truth. “Too much homework, I'm really sorry. A lot has been going on.”
She just responds with “ok” and a bit of guilt washes over me. It's short lived, once I start homework I feel a simple bit of normalcy in my life. With everything that has happened, the feeling of being a normal teenager with forty math problems to do is refreshing, until I get through twenty of them and feel annoyed. School has always been easy for me, even with my life being out of control. I feel like this is the only thing I can control.
-
(Jon's POV)
“I want to tell him,” Brendon says once he sits in my car. “But not yet.”
Maybe it's for the best. “Not yet,” I agree.
“What?”
“What?” I say back. He just furrows his eyebrows.
“You agreed with me.”
“Yeah, well.”
I leave it at that.
-
Once in band, the four of us all sit in the chairs messing around. I was supposed to be in orchestra, but I told the guy I had something to do for jazz band.
Ryan looks exhausted, looking down at his hands. “You okay?” Brendon whispers to him, Ryan nods once.
“Was up late last night with homework. Also my dad,” He murmurs back. I don't know what Brendon knows about Ryan's family, but he nods his head and grabs Ryan's hand.
“It was funny, almost.” Ryan grins, “I came home and he was like, 'I did something bad' and it was a six pack of beer.” He pauses, “Fuck, I forgot to throw it away. I left it on the counter.”
“He knows not to drink it,” Brendon coos, “it'll be fine.”
"I left it right there, like a neon sign." Brendon reaches over, placing a hand behind his neck.
He knows enough, apparently. Does he know about his mom? He should, because he's staring at the necklace the same way I am.
I do the most childish thing I can do and text Brendon, even though he's sitting right across from me.
“Do you know?”
Brendon looks at me before opening the texts, smiling. Probably thinking I'm the dumbest person alive, because I am. His smile falters at the text and types a reply.
“About his mom? Yes. It's why I don't want to tell him. How did you know?”
I pause. “Spencer told me.”
That's all we text each other. “So, um, Brendon,” Ryan clears his throat, a small bit of nervousness hitting him.
“Yeah?”
“Wanna go out tonight?”
Me and Spencer grin at each other, somewhat shocked. Especially because of the timing.
Brendon blushes, and nods, “Sure. What should we do?”
“I'd thought maybe just movies at my place? Because I don't really want to go out anymore during the week anymore than I have.”
“That sounds nice,”
Ryan rubs his thumb in a circle on Brendon's hand, making me feel a bit lonely. I reach for Spencer, “Love me up, too,” I sound like a child, puckering my lips for a simple peck. I can see their jealous faces, they clearly haven't kissed yet. I feel lucky- I am lucky that I have Spencer.
The bell rings, and Spencer grabs my hand. We get bored glances, the people at our school have never cared about relationships other than their own. It's a weight off my shoulders.
“I guess this means I should ask you out too?” Spencer mumbles, “How does dinner at Biaggi's sound?”
“Biaggi's?!” One of the nicest places, and Spencer's asking me. “Yes, sure! Isn't it a bit expensive? I'm fine with Pizza Hut.”
“My mom, actually, it was her idea. My parents know the owners, so.” He has a shy smile, but his eyes are practically reflecting the light like diamonds. Spencer's smile is the same way.
I give him a quick kiss on the cheek. “Yes, yes of course.”
“Awesome.” We walk in silence for a moment, “I hope everything works out with Brendon and Ryan. I hope Ryan doesn't get mad at Brendon for lying to him.” I just nod. Everything is so fucked up with them and one of them doesn't even know it.
“I don't.” I say.
“Why?”
“Ryan needs someone who can be with him and won't go anywhere. He's falling into this trap and he may not be able to get out.” I sound worried, like a concerned parent. I haven't even known Ryan that long.
Spencer sighs, “You're right.”
“I want to tell him. I don't want him to fall in love with someone who may not be able to love him back in the future,” The words ache in my throat, and I kind of want to take it all back. I don't have time though, my class is right in front of me. It's time to go. Time has never been on my side.
“We'll discuss some of this over dinner, okay?” He puts his hand on my cheek and kisses me briefly, his soft lips over mine. This time everything seems a little bit better.
-
(Ryan's POV)
With my dad being gone at therapy tonight, I ready the house with blankets and extra pillows, gathering movies and making popcorn. Luckily I don't burn the popcorn. I hear the doorbell around seven. The beer is still on the counter.
“Hi,” Brendon offers me a hug, giving me a tight squeeze that I return. It was a bit awkward, like first date awkward. It's nice having this feeling.
“Want to make anything else to eat before we watch?”
“How about waffles?”
“Waffles?” I say, incredulously. But I just open the freezer and pull out the frozen ones.
“They're delicious,” He beams, taking the box from me. “Do you have peanut butter?”
I laugh and grab it from the cabinet. Brendon doesn't seem sick at all. “Here,”
“It's chunky.” He almost gags.
“What? I like it!” I protest, grabbing the other jar.
“Ryan Ross, I am certain I am wasting my time here if you like chunky peanut butter!” He laughs, taking a dab and putting it right on my nose.
I stare at him with big eyes. “You did not.”
“Are you gonna get me back?”
“No.” I say simply, then taking surprising him with a glob of regular peanut butter on his cheek.
He frowns exaggeratedly. “You gonna clean this?” Brendon winks and my mouth falls open.
“I'm not licking your face on the first date!” I laugh, grabbing a paper towel and wiping it off.
“Guess it's more of a second date thing.” He puts a hand on my shoulder and moves it back to behind my neck, holding on there. His almond shaped eyes look into mine for a while, as if he's appreciating what he's seeing.
I kiss him on the cheek.
We sit down and watch Pocahontas.
“I can't believe we're watching Pocahontas.” I say, “I loved this movie.”
Brendon just sings along to “Colors of the Wind”, and I just hum along. He stands, grabbing my hand and staring at me, serenading. I like his voice, but once I hear it again I decide to silence him by grabbing his shirt pulling him down on top of me.
Well.
He stares in my eyes, and I stare at his lips. His face is about eight inches from mine, I don't know. But I want it to be less. I feel him on top of me and wrap my arms around his hips. His breathing is slow, steady, but I can tell his heart is racing almost as fast as mine.
I'm the one to close the distance between us out of pure impatience. His lips are much fuller than mine, and I breathe in when he kisses back, placing the same hand behind my neck as before. Brendon's not too gentle, and his skin is warm. I feel him just playing with the ending of my necklace, appreciating it.
We end up finishing the movie, having to say goodnight. It's a sad goodbye, I just want to see him all the time.
I can only hope.
Fucking teenage romances.
-
-
(Ryan's Pov)
Spencer and I were always morons when we're together. Spencer said he wanted to go far away, hopefully a half hour was far enough. So we are, just for a few hours. We talk about a few things, Brendon and Jon coming up for only a bit. This is about clearing our minds, really. If anything Brendon makes me distracted, enough to make me space out and forget about the road ahead of me.
So we talk about the weird winding highway that never seems to end, and how crazy it is that the sun doesn't set until nine this time of year. When we aren't talking about the sun, we're not talking at all.
“All was golden in the sky,” Words come to my head, and I say them with a calm slip of my tongue.
Spencer rests his head on the back of his seat, “All was golden when the day met the night.”
I hum a bit, pulling over on the bridge. It's a big drop, probably about four stories. Here is where I learned to be fearless. Nobody has died here, with the deep water underneath and the shore being far away, maybe people have. I just never found out. We get out of the car and take off my shirt, and Spencer follows. We go one at a time.
I'm always first.
I pull myself up on one of the beams and hold onto the cables, staring straight ahead of me where the sunset is. It's getting colder out, but not uncomfortable against my bare torso. The water is flat as glass, and I have no concern over my safety.
I think of my mother, who would be scared of me doing this. I think of Brendon.
Brendon.
My mom.
Both sick. Both in my life.
I'm like a bad luck charm.
What's even the point of coming back up after I jump?
Not here. Not in front of Spencer.
I feel him grab my shoulder, he's now standing next to me. “Are you upset? Like, upset-upset?”
“No, I'm fine. It's just a good night. Thought I'd enjoy it before I jump.” I lie, hoping Spencer doesn't notice.
He backs away and I look down and jump.
I hold my breath and feel the wind rushing against me before I am fully submerged. The water is cold, sending a bolt of electricity through me. It's March. I should have known it wouldn't be warm yet. I make my way to the surface, shaking out my hair and squeezing water out of my eyes. I'm fine.
The only thing that goes through my mind at a time like this is get out. I see Spencer jump from the corner of my eye as I crawl out, shivering. Getting back to the car is a bit of a challenge, pushing my way through the brush shirtless is a task I don't always look forward too.
Spencer meets me back up at the car, and I throw a towel at him. After turning on the heater after enough time, our lips are no longer purple. “I swear I saw something down there, man.” Spencer says, a mixture of emotions to his voice. I just grin, staring at the highway in front of me. “A really big fish. Like, mutated kind of big. What if radioactivity-”
“Take a nap, Spence.” I interrupt, laughing at him. He just scoffs and turns on the radio. A few songs come on that we like, both of us singing along until I stop in front of Spencer's house. “G'night.”
“Night,”
Once I arrive home, my father is sitting in front of the refrigerator. I stand behind him, frozen.
“I did something bad,” He admits. I look over his shoulder, I six pack of beer sitting there. I smile just for a moment and it falls, glad he realizes his own mistakes for once. “I'm really sorry,”
“It's fine, go sit on the couch. Have you eaten?” I take the beer and put it on the table. I'll throw it out later. Or give it to my neighbors.
He shakes his head. “I can make pasta.”
And I do. I give him his dinner and eat mine in my room. Checking my phone, I see a text from Amanda.
“Wanna hang out tonight?”
I sigh, Amanda is one of my best friends, and if I would have planned my day better homework I would have said yes. Instead I just tell her the truth. “Too much homework, I'm really sorry. A lot has been going on.”
She just responds with “ok” and a bit of guilt washes over me. It's short lived, once I start homework I feel a simple bit of normalcy in my life. With everything that has happened, the feeling of being a normal teenager with forty math problems to do is refreshing, until I get through twenty of them and feel annoyed. School has always been easy for me, even with my life being out of control. I feel like this is the only thing I can control.
-
(Jon's POV)
“I want to tell him,” Brendon says once he sits in my car. “But not yet.”
Maybe it's for the best. “Not yet,” I agree.
“What?”
“What?” I say back. He just furrows his eyebrows.
“You agreed with me.”
“Yeah, well.”
I leave it at that.
-
Once in band, the four of us all sit in the chairs messing around. I was supposed to be in orchestra, but I told the guy I had something to do for jazz band.
Ryan looks exhausted, looking down at his hands. “You okay?” Brendon whispers to him, Ryan nods once.
“Was up late last night with homework. Also my dad,” He murmurs back. I don't know what Brendon knows about Ryan's family, but he nods his head and grabs Ryan's hand.
“It was funny, almost.” Ryan grins, “I came home and he was like, 'I did something bad' and it was a six pack of beer.” He pauses, “Fuck, I forgot to throw it away. I left it on the counter.”
“He knows not to drink it,” Brendon coos, “it'll be fine.”
"I left it right there, like a neon sign." Brendon reaches over, placing a hand behind his neck.
He knows enough, apparently. Does he know about his mom? He should, because he's staring at the necklace the same way I am.
I do the most childish thing I can do and text Brendon, even though he's sitting right across from me.
“Do you know?”
Brendon looks at me before opening the texts, smiling. Probably thinking I'm the dumbest person alive, because I am. His smile falters at the text and types a reply.
“About his mom? Yes. It's why I don't want to tell him. How did you know?”
I pause. “Spencer told me.”
That's all we text each other. “So, um, Brendon,” Ryan clears his throat, a small bit of nervousness hitting him.
“Yeah?”
“Wanna go out tonight?”
Me and Spencer grin at each other, somewhat shocked. Especially because of the timing.
Brendon blushes, and nods, “Sure. What should we do?”
“I'd thought maybe just movies at my place? Because I don't really want to go out anymore during the week anymore than I have.”
“That sounds nice,”
Ryan rubs his thumb in a circle on Brendon's hand, making me feel a bit lonely. I reach for Spencer, “Love me up, too,” I sound like a child, puckering my lips for a simple peck. I can see their jealous faces, they clearly haven't kissed yet. I feel lucky- I am lucky that I have Spencer.
The bell rings, and Spencer grabs my hand. We get bored glances, the people at our school have never cared about relationships other than their own. It's a weight off my shoulders.
“I guess this means I should ask you out too?” Spencer mumbles, “How does dinner at Biaggi's sound?”
“Biaggi's?!” One of the nicest places, and Spencer's asking me. “Yes, sure! Isn't it a bit expensive? I'm fine with Pizza Hut.”
“My mom, actually, it was her idea. My parents know the owners, so.” He has a shy smile, but his eyes are practically reflecting the light like diamonds. Spencer's smile is the same way.
I give him a quick kiss on the cheek. “Yes, yes of course.”
“Awesome.” We walk in silence for a moment, “I hope everything works out with Brendon and Ryan. I hope Ryan doesn't get mad at Brendon for lying to him.” I just nod. Everything is so fucked up with them and one of them doesn't even know it.
“I don't.” I say.
“Why?”
“Ryan needs someone who can be with him and won't go anywhere. He's falling into this trap and he may not be able to get out.” I sound worried, like a concerned parent. I haven't even known Ryan that long.
Spencer sighs, “You're right.”
“I want to tell him. I don't want him to fall in love with someone who may not be able to love him back in the future,” The words ache in my throat, and I kind of want to take it all back. I don't have time though, my class is right in front of me. It's time to go. Time has never been on my side.
“We'll discuss some of this over dinner, okay?” He puts his hand on my cheek and kisses me briefly, his soft lips over mine. This time everything seems a little bit better.
-
(Ryan's POV)
With my dad being gone at therapy tonight, I ready the house with blankets and extra pillows, gathering movies and making popcorn. Luckily I don't burn the popcorn. I hear the doorbell around seven. The beer is still on the counter.
“Hi,” Brendon offers me a hug, giving me a tight squeeze that I return. It was a bit awkward, like first date awkward. It's nice having this feeling.
“Want to make anything else to eat before we watch?”
“How about waffles?”
“Waffles?” I say, incredulously. But I just open the freezer and pull out the frozen ones.
“They're delicious,” He beams, taking the box from me. “Do you have peanut butter?”
I laugh and grab it from the cabinet. Brendon doesn't seem sick at all. “Here,”
“It's chunky.” He almost gags.
“What? I like it!” I protest, grabbing the other jar.
“Ryan Ross, I am certain I am wasting my time here if you like chunky peanut butter!” He laughs, taking a dab and putting it right on my nose.
I stare at him with big eyes. “You did not.”
“Are you gonna get me back?”
“No.” I say simply, then taking surprising him with a glob of regular peanut butter on his cheek.
He frowns exaggeratedly. “You gonna clean this?” Brendon winks and my mouth falls open.
“I'm not licking your face on the first date!” I laugh, grabbing a paper towel and wiping it off.
“Guess it's more of a second date thing.” He puts a hand on my shoulder and moves it back to behind my neck, holding on there. His almond shaped eyes look into mine for a while, as if he's appreciating what he's seeing.
I kiss him on the cheek.
We sit down and watch Pocahontas.
“I can't believe we're watching Pocahontas.” I say, “I loved this movie.”
Brendon just sings along to “Colors of the Wind”, and I just hum along. He stands, grabbing my hand and staring at me, serenading. I like his voice, but once I hear it again I decide to silence him by grabbing his shirt pulling him down on top of me.
Well.
He stares in my eyes, and I stare at his lips. His face is about eight inches from mine, I don't know. But I want it to be less. I feel him on top of me and wrap my arms around his hips. His breathing is slow, steady, but I can tell his heart is racing almost as fast as mine.
I'm the one to close the distance between us out of pure impatience. His lips are much fuller than mine, and I breathe in when he kisses back, placing the same hand behind my neck as before. Brendon's not too gentle, and his skin is warm. I feel him just playing with the ending of my necklace, appreciating it.
We end up finishing the movie, having to say goodnight. It's a sad goodbye, I just want to see him all the time.
I can only hope.
Fucking teenage romances.
-
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