FicWad

Disclaimer: This chapter contains a lot of information about September 11, 2001. This is just a story. Not real life. I hope you guys like this one.

Also, when I was writing this chapter I listened to Jason Walker's song, 'Down' over and over and over again. It set the mood, especially during the World Trade Center part and, of course, the end segment of this chapter.


Chapter 26

Hello Angel, Tell Me, Where Are You?

September 10, 2002

I don’t care about the message or the rules they make. We only live forever in the lights we make and we only hear the music when your heart begins to break. Lyrics were flowing through my mind. Endless dribble of words strung together in sweeping metaphors and similes that I couldn’t even begin to decipher. I scribbled some more meaningless words down on my notebook and stared at them, trying to find some kind of meaning or witty line that I could present to Gerard for new songs, but I couldn’t. My mind was too full.

I threw my pen down and rested my head against the back of the couch and listened to the words going through my head and the soft sweep of Gerard’s pencils against paper as he worked on as art piece at his desk. The low murmur of the television is the only sound in the room. I don’t know what to do. My mind is racing, making me nervous, anxious, and scared. Scared like I was a year ago.

They only care if you can bleed. I couldn’t even think straight.

It’s been nearly a year. A goddamn year since I was at Death’s door; his breath hot against my skin and his sickle sharp and cool against my arm as he was walking me to the door of purgatory, before I was sucked away from him and thrust into the light once again. To live to see another day and be able to live my life. It was like I was given a second chance. To do things over; better.

Have I done things better? Have I used my second chance wisely? I shook my head and tried writing again. You surrender your heart. I surrender every dream. How the hell am I supposed to use this stuff? I suck at writing lyrics. I suck at a lot of things, but writing is something I love and I suck at it. What am I going to do with these useless words? I’ll just file it under the folder: for later use.

It’s been a fucking year; a demented, never ending nightmare of a year.

A year I didn’t have in my future if Death would have gotten what he wanted.

A year that changed my life forever.

Did this really seem like it was so long ago, because to me, it felt like yesterday. Like I was still in that deep dark concrete and ash filled hole of death.

Don’t stop if I fall and don’t look back. Bury me and fade to black…my head is full.

I still wake at least once or twice a week, screaming from a nightmare about it. I don’t know how Gerard puts up with me. I can still hear the screams and pleas for death or life. Either would do.

My stomach is in knots and I rubbed my temples with my fingers, trying to rid myself of a pounding headache.

I can still hear them, as if they were still happening; just like they were near me at this very moment. I can hear them crying and screaming for hours well into the night. Screaming in pain or in fear for their lives and most not ever seeing the light of day again.

How did I survive? Why did I survive? These questions plague me each and every day. I was impaled by and steel rod through my right side, bleed nearly to death, and was nearly dehydrated by the time I was found, but I survived.

I can’t take it anymore, so I put my fingers in my ears and tried to tune everything out. Shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up…I kept repeating this mantra.

I heard a muffled voice, but I continued to try to tune everything out; finally the screams went away so I stopped and put my hands down.

“….Trist….hey….Did you hear anything I just said?” Gerard raised an eyebrow at me and I turned to face him. His eyebrow dropped and concern crossed his face. “Are you ok, sugar?”

I stared at him, wondering if I should tell him what I was hearing, but chose not to, “I’m fine. Just tired,” I yawned as I spoke. He didn’t push it anymore, but I knew he knew something was up with me. “What were you saying?”

Gerard sucked in a breath, “I said everyone is going to meet at eight in the morning to ride together to New York City for the anniversary, so we need to be ready before they get here.”

I didn’t want to go, but I did at the same time. I was invited to the actual ceremony with the president and the other survivors and their families, but I didn’t know if I was going to attend that particular affair yet. This was yet another reason why I was freaking out mentally. I nodded, knowing I was going to go no matter how much I didn’t want to go. I needed to face what happened to me and what I survived.

Gerard closed the distance between us in a matter of seconds, pulling me into his arms against the back of the couch and resting my head against his shoulder. His hand was rubbing my arm in comfort and we sat there in silence for a great deal of time until he asked, “Are you sure you are ok?” Concern was lacing his tone and I didn’t even try to respond.

He knew me too well. I was doing a terrible job at hiding my emotions behind my mask. A fake mask that I wear for everyone else. He always seems to be able to see straight through it – no matter what I say or do, he knew – he always knew if something was wrong or up with me.
We knew each other too well to be healthy. It made me weary and worried to even think that.

I needed him so much. Too much. I mean, what if something was to happen to him? What if he died? What if he goes away and never comes back? Why am I thinking this? I am totally going insane.

Gerard’s arm tightens around me and he kisses the top of my head ever so softly, breathing me in. I love this man. Why don’t I tell him? Why can’t I tell him? Tomorrow is not guaranteed and I can’t tell him I love him?! What is wrong with me?

My mind wanders even further in the depths of psyche producing doubt and questions. What if we don’t work out? What would happen then? Would we be friends? Would we be able to carry on with the band together? Would I have to quit? I mentally shake my head. Oh my god! Go away!

The questions keep coming: Could I continue to see him every day if he weren’t mine? Could I look at him every day knowing how I feel toward him and continue to act as if everything were ok? Could I? Could I be that strong? No. Again, why am I even thinking this? I try to push those questions away while others creep and slither their way in. Too much is clouding up my mind right now. Fogging up my head and I just want to escape from it. I just want out of my head. Is that too much to ask?


I stood on the roof of a building, overlooking the smoldering city beneath me. Flames still flickered across the heaps of debris surrounding the building I stood on. A cold hand entwined itself in mine.

"Tristan...” A smooth, velvet-like voice whispered in my ear. I turned to look, but it disappeared.

"Don't worry, Sugar, we'll meet again..." The voice echoed round the empty city again. I pondered the words, and drowned in my thoughts, I did not feel the sharp shove that was used to push me off the edge of the building, into the slowly dying bed of fire at the bottom.


I awoke screaming and the feeling like I was falling had my heart pounding wildly against my chest. The rest of the night wasn’t any better for me. My head gave me no relief. I couldn’t sleep from tossing and turning, and eventually falling asleep from exhaustion, and then waking from night terrors; scaring Gerard to death.

I kept him up a lot of the night from my issues. He never wavered or got angry with me. It was like he knew. He knew that this day that was coming on was going to be hell for me.

I was trying not to let it bother me, but it did. I was fine before. I was better.

BETTER!

I was fucking fine.

FINE!

Now look at me! I’m a goddamn mess. I am irritable, lost in my own mind, I have insomnia, I haven’t really spoken all that much in the past few days, and I have been having these extreme night terrors that scared even me. How is Gerard still here?

The air is choking me, suffocating, and I can’t breathe. I can’t fucking breathe.

Life is killing me. I feel it gnawing at me constantly. Life.

In the end, it's going to tear me apart and leave nothing but a shredded mask that hid fear and insecurity. I will try to wear it over and over again, hide behind apathy and indifference, but the jagged tears will let the truth seep through. They will know everything, and when they find out, I will lose this game of cat and mouse. They will finally get me, and rip me apart with their stingingly truthful words. And I will cry, and scream, and beg for them to stop, because the pain of their words is completely different from the numbing tear of a razor. They think they're just playing, that it's nothing, but the truth is, it's everything.

Everything.

Everyone will know how fucked up I really am. I can’t hide it anymore. My mask is beginning to crumble.

It's the lies and the distorted truth, the statements that at first you could shrug off and pretend they don’t hurt. The voices don’t exist. They are just in your head, but then you hear them more and more. No one else does, but you hear them. Crazy. I’m going insane. I can’t do this anymore. I need relief.

They’re unrelenting, unforgiving, and even as the scars grow in number and in length. But that’s my best kept secret, although I have so many well kept others. There’s so many things that no one knows about me, that I’ve been hiding for such a long time underneath my mask. I’ve been pretending for so long that even I’m beginning to believe the lie, to become as artificial as an amputee’s plastic limb; not fully replacing what once was.

And that’s what scares me the most.

I’m becoming fake. Hollow. Absorbing the mask that should’ve kept me safe. And when they leave the tattered fabrication, who will I become? I will be lost. I will be nothing. A defeated victim. A faceless victim that no one cares about. I can’t do that.

It's scary how they could chew you up and spit you out without a second thought of the torture you suffer. Of the life they're ruining. The voices and screams are ruining everything. But I am nothing to them. They don’t know me or want anything from me. I am just Friday's entertainment, a nameless face that no one truly cares for.

You can say that's a lie, but I know it's the truth.

I finally fell back into sleep, held tightly in Gerard’s warm, protective arms.


At eight the next morning; Frank, Jamia, Ray, Mikey, Matt, Blaine, Nate, and Taylor, along with Gerard and I piled into the My Chemical Romance van and headed for the dreaded Big Apple.

Silence was all that was heard in the van. Well, aside from the radio, no one was talking. I wasn’t talking. I couldn’t get out of my own head to hold a decent conversation with anybody. Not even Gerard. It’s driving me down. Everyone was strangely quiet and trying not to mess with me. It was like they thought I would break. Even my brother, Frank, was being super nice to me. We aren’t nice to each other. Like….ever…. We fight, bitch, bicker, and mess with each other constantly, but not today. It was freaking me out, but I didn’t say anything about it.

The radio kept playing speeches from a year ago today. "Today, our fellow citizens, our way of life, our very freedom came under attack in a series of deliberate and deadly terrorist acts. Terrorist attacks can shake the foundations of our biggest buildings, but they cannot touch the foundation of America. These acts shatter steel, but they cannot dent the steel of American resolve. The search is underway for those who are behind these evil acts...we will make no distinction between the terrorists who committed these acts and those who harbor them." President Bush was on his high horse when it came to those words, but I supported the cause. He was suppose to be there later today to honor those lost in the attacks and those how survived. It was all too overwhelming for me to even think about. I shook those thoughts away and concentrated on the road ahead of us in the van.

Gerard was driving while I sat next to him in the passenger seat. All of the guys were dressed up in nice dress shirts and either khakis or black dress pants. Gerard was wearing a nice pair of black dress pants, a white button up shirt and black tie. He looked very sexy in this look. Even with everything, I could still look at him and have these thoughts that bring a small smile to my face. I love him.

Taylor, Jamia, and I were dressed up too. Taylor and Jamia are dress pants and lovely tops that made them look almost model like. I was wearing a black skirt that came to near my knees and a black and white lacy top that was short-sleeved. The top was white and the black was almost vest like, both of them being made out of a lacy material. I completed my outfit with plain black flats. My hair was down in curls around my shoulders and down my back. I tried to look presentable if need be.

I am calm.

Too calm.

Weirdly calm.

I am numb.

The total opposite from last night, I kept thinking to myself.

The ride was long and silent aside from the low murmur of the radio. Even with me being calm and numb, I kept knotting my fingers together until Gerard reached other and took my hand; smiling as he did. I don’t deserve you. I’m definitely not worthy.

September 11, 2002

New York City/Manhattan

After Noon

My very own living hell.

Traffic was hell.

We finally decided that we needed to park and go on foot. We parked in a parking garage somewhere a dozen blocks or so away from Ground Zero, causing us to have to take the subway. Cleanup and recovery at Ground Zero, as the World Trade Center site became known after September 11, 2001, continued every day around the clock for the better part of a year; an official ceremony in May 2002 marked the end of those efforts.

By the time we got off the subway, it was nearing mid afternoon. We were walking on the sidewalk along with thousands of other people. The mood in Manhattan was somber and I kept seeing too many grief-stricken faces. These faces will always haunt me. They lost someone that meant everything to them, while I was free to live my life. I was lucky. How was I one of only a few survivors? A hand full of survivors? How?

Hundreds were killed instantly by the impact of the planes hitting the buildings, while the rest were trapped and died after tower collapse. At least two-hundred people jumped to their deaths from the burning towers, landing on the streets and rooftops of adjacent buildings hundreds of feet below. 2,977 people lost their lives that day. Then there were less than a dozen survivors found in the rubble of the collapsed towers. I was one of them. How?

Gerard held my hand tightly to keep me near him, as we struggled through the thick crowds of people going both directions leaving and going to this particular part of New York City.
The closer we got to those grounds, the harder and faster my heart was pounding. Anxiety was rearing its ugly head and I wanted to run. I wanted to run away. I can’t do this. I can’t do this. I can’t do this.

I can’t breathe.

Gerard pulled me through the crowd and I almost let go of his hand. I wanted to just toss his hand away and run. Run away from everyone.

As we passed a few shops I could hear their radios playing. “Today is September 11, 2002, and today, Americans everywhere looked up into the sun. Our freedom and liberty came under attack a year ago, but our nation's strength and bravery shall not lack. Although the World Trade Center is gone, the people of this nation shall not fall into the dawn. Despite the terrorists that have committed evil, our nation shall not be down to the people that we lost. They will never be forgotten. The terrorists think they have won that day, but we shall prove to them that we are strong, the USA. America shall have much pride, as we remember this day, far and wide. The Twin Towers will not be something to ignore when the USA finally wins the dreaded war. For as long as this nation is brave and strong, the victims will never truly be gone. And as we solemnly lay the lost ones' in their graves, we shall forever remain the land of the free, and the home of the brave. We will not go quietly into the night. We will forever remember.”

Jamia, Frank, Mikey, Ray, Matt, Taylor, Blaine, and Nate were right behind us the whole way. They studied everything as we passed thousands of people. Many places had American flags in their windows or flying on the outside of the buildings. Tons of people had them in their hands and waved them patriotic pride.

This nation is now at war because of this monumental loss of American lives right on American soil. We were hit right in the heart. We were hit where they knew it would hurt us the most. Attacked on our own soil.

We finally made it to the block that used to contain the Twin Towers known as the World Trade Center and I looked up into the empty sky; this was the first time I had seen the sight since I was rescued and even then I hadn’t seen the devastation around me. The skyline was empty…no skyscrapers skewing my view of the sky in any way. I hadn’t watched the news reports or seen any videos of the collapse because I couldn’t take the images. I couldn’t take reliving it over and over again. I strayed from television, news, and internet videos for the longest time after that day. I didn’t want to see it. I couldn’t see it. I had lived it. I had been there. I didn’t need to see it. I didn’t want to feel how I felt that day again.

My mouth gaped open as we walked closer to Ground Zero. My eyes still in the sky until my eyes caught sight of people jumping. I remember what I had seen a year ago. I remember seeing dozens of people jumping to their death from above me in the North Tower. I remember the black smoke obstructing my view of what was going on, but I did see them jumping. Committing suicide to not be burned or buried alive as was the fate of ninety-nine percent of those in the towers that day. I sucked in a deep breath, trying to remain impassive, but I knew my mask was cracking.

I am brought back to reality by Gerard tugging on my hand. I followed once more, growing more and more anxious and scared. I am scared. I am afraid of this area. I am afraid to face what happened to me. I am afraid to walk this world alone. I am afraid to keep on living. I AM afraid. I don’t want to be. I want to smile and actually mean it. I want to face my fears. I want to understand. I want to understand why this happened to this nation and why it happened to me. I need to understand. I NEED to be unafraid. I will be unafraid. Just not today, unfortunately.

We traveled closer and the closer we got, the more crowded it was becoming. We arrived at the sidewalk where a year ago, Gerard had dropped me off and I stopped dead in my tracks. Gerard fumbled with my hand as I let go of his. He turned around and asked, “Are you ok?”

I knew concern was written all over his face, but I didn’t look up at him; I stared straight ahead at the nothingness where they once stood. My mouth hanging open and eyes wide with fear. Then before I could stop myself I lunged forward and hugged Gerard tightly like I wouldn’t see him again. I don’t know what it was that made me hug him like that, but I didn’t care at that moment. I just needed him to know that I needed him there with me. I felt a small ping of déjà vu with this hug; like I had done this before in this exact small area. I thought for moment and remembered hugging Gerard before I got out of his car that morning. I remember hugging him like I would never see him again. Just like I was right now. Gerard held me tightly to him, running his hand through my curly hair at the nap of my neck and the other on my back. I wrapped my arms around his neck and buried my head into his chest, desperately seeking comfort.

I knew everyone was staring at me, but I didn’t care. I pulled away and when I looked up into Gerard’s face; he was smiling down at me then holding out his hand for me to take. I laid my hand in his and let him lead me forward once again.

Once we were on the sidewalk right next to Ground Zero, which was fenced off by plywood decorated by pictures of victims, cards for the lost, missing persons posters, memorial plaques, drawings, American flags, poems, lit candles, and various other objects covered every inch of the wood around both areas that once held the North and South Towers of the World Trade Center.

I studied all the faces as we walked slowly by; memorizing them the best I could, so I could always remember them.


“This is so sad,” Taylor told Blaine and Nate as they too were looking at all the wall had to offer in heartache and pain.

Blaine took Nate’s hand in his and nodded, “Yes it is.”

Nate squeezed his hand and continued forward behind Tristan and Gerard.

Frank and Jamia walked hand-in-hand behind them. Frank kept a close eye on his sister because he knew something was up with her. She was almost too calm. I sighed loudly, but no one noticed. Jamia couldn’t peel her eyes away from the wall of victims. Frank’s stomach was in knots and he didn’t know how his little sister was doing this.

Ray, Mikey, and Matt lagged a bit behind everyone. They were looking at all the pictures too, but were in a conversation about how anyone could survive such a tragic event.

“It was a goddamn miracle,” Mikey couldn’t keep from saying to Ray and Matt.

Ray put his hand on Mikey’s shoulder, “We know, man. Tristan is a miracle.”

Matt nodded as Mikey stole a look toward him. “She shouldn’t be alive today, but for some unknown reason she is still here and recovered completely from all that.” Matt waved his arm toward the empty plot of land just beyond the fence.

“She was meant to survive,” Mikey felt a ping of pain in his heart just even thinking about losing Tristan hurt too much. She was the little sister he never had.

Ray stared ahead toward Gerard and Tristan in the distance, “You think maybe she was meant to survive to be with him?” he asked lost in thought.

Mikey cocked his head sideways and looked at Tristan and Gerard while playing around with the question in his mind. He thought for a moment, “There is no doubt.” He smiled, and then his smile fades, “I don’t think she thought she should have survived though.”

Ray swallowed, “I think you’re right. She’s been so depressed since then and I know something happened, but I don’t know what. She needs us now more than ever, Mikes.”

“I couldn’t agree more.” Mikey walked faster to catch up with everyone else.


I was so overwhelmed. All the faces on the walls, all the faces in the crowds with the saddest eyes, all the horrific screaming I was hearing. I shouldn’t be able to hear those. No one else could, I could see that. I could hear their blood-curdling screams and yells for help or from pain in the darkness. I can’t do this. I can’t do this.

I take a deep breath and meander forward till we near the entrance to Ground Zero. Only a certain few were allowed down that close. I let go of Gerard’s hand and wandered over to the chain-link fence. I stopped in front of it, put my fingers through the links and stared out into the empty open abyss that once held the Twin Towers.

I had been there a year ago. I had been a part of the heap of twisted metal and sharp iron rods, snakelike wires, jagged pieces of glass, tons of concrete, dust, ash, and flames. I had been buried in that. I had been there, I thought; maybe a hundred feet in front of where I stood that very moment.

I let my eyes wander from the base of the towers to the sky, where I could still see them standing valiant and glorious against the New York City skyline. I gripped the fence harder. I could see the planes hit the towers. I could see the smoke and feel the smoke choking me like two hands around my throat; squeezing the last breath from my lungs.

I sucked in a deep breath and let it out slowly as I continued to see things that weren’t happening. Things I couldn’t shake away. I closed my eyes tightly for a second; hoping that when I opened my eyes I wouldn’t see them anymore, but I was defeated. I could still see the towers, on fire and people afraid of dying, jumping on their own terms. Jumping from a hundred stories in the sky so they could die on their own terms. My eyes grew wide in horror as I witnessed them jumping. I could feel unwelcome tears sliding down my cheeks, slowly as I stared up into the sky.

I could feel nine sets of eyes on my back as I stood there at the fence alone in my own demented world. My heart beating rapidly against my chest and the tears coming more freely now, but no sobs; just silent tears as I continued to stare up into the sky at nothing. Well, I could see them. Then the horrible screams of terror started and lowered my head and placed it against the fence, closing my eyes to rid myself of the images. I could still hear them; the pleas for help, the cries of desperation, the screams of pain, and the scared whimpers of people buried in the rubble. I took my hands from the fence and put them over my ears in an attempt to make them go away. Please go away. Go away. Go away. Go away.

I felt strong hands on my back, whirl me around to where I was buried into his familiar shirt. I kept my hands on my ears, still hearing them. Tears are now coming down harder, but I’m still not sobbing, just crying silently. I am held tightly to Gerard’s chest.

“It’s ok. You’re ok,” he murmured into my head, but I could barely hear him. “I’m here. You’re ok.” I could hear the fear in his voice as he spoke. And it hit me, this man cares for me. He’s here with me. He came back here with me. I finally let my hands drop from my ears and wrapped around his waist, just clinging to him for a moment. Just a moment to let myself know I was still here and what I was hearing wasn’t there.

I’m not crazy. I am not insane. I just need to face this.

I pulled myself away slightly, looking up to meet concerned hazel eyes. Gerard kissed my forehead softly and used his thumbs to wipe tears from my cheeks. “You’re ok?”

I nodded. I pulled away again and he let me go. I turned slightly to see my friends and brother behind us. They were all huddled together with faces of concern and fear. I smiled weakly at them, knowing I couldn’t speak to them about what was happening to me. They wouldn’t understand.

It was time for the memorial ceremony, so I took Gerard’s hand and led him down to the entrance where they let us in because my name was on the list of survivors. There weren’t more than a dozen names on that list. We stood near the circle at the end of the long driveway. We stood on the dirt where the earth had been opened up by the collapse. I felt strange standing there with all these people, but I knew I belonged there. I looked across from and saw Rose; the secretary that I had been with during those three days in our open graves. She was there with her husband and two boys. She spotted me and waved and I did the same.

Gerard held my hand tightly as the ceremony started.

During a ceremony at the World Trade Center site, Mayor Rudolph Giuliani was the first of dozens of readers who spoke aloud the names of all 2,977 people who perished in the collapse of the twin towers. The entire time, I kept hearing the screams and every once in a while I looked up to where the towers once stood and could see them. I didn’t want to see them. I wanted it to go away. I gripped Gerard’s hand, trying to cling to reality.

Later, President Bush and Laura Bush laid a wreath and greeted relatives of the deceased at the attack site. President Bush made a speech about the tragedy and tried to inspire us all. He called out the names of the survivors, my name being on that list was hard to hear, and spoke to us about how lucky we were to be here. Gerard squeezed my hand, reassuring me that he was happy I was alive. Why do you want to be with me? I’m nothing special.

The ceremony ended after the president left Ground Zero. I stood in place, looking all around me for a long time, while Gerard talked with everyone about leaving soon.

I couldn’t shake the feeling that I should have died. Damn, I feel so weak.

Gerard finally took my hand and made me leave. We passed the same faces as we walked away from my nightmare. My living nightmare. My friends never said a word about what had happened earlier to me at the fence. I wouldn’t tell them even if they asked, but they knew better.


It was quiet on the way home. Everyone went their separate ways when we parked the van in the Way’s driveway. It was nearing ten at night now. Mikey even took off to go to Baily’s for a movie night; leaving Gerard and I alone at the house.

I hopped down out of the van and walked silently down the stairs to the basement door, Gerard was right behind me. I stopped at the end of the stairs; hearing the screams start again. Why is this happening? Why here? Why now?

I put my hands over my ears; trying to drown them out. Gerard noticed and pulled at my arms, “What’s wrong?” he tore at my arms as I struggled to keep them over my ears.

“Don’t!” I screamed. Gerard stared at me with bewilderment.

He touched my arm and I jerked away, still with my hands over my ears, tears were now welling up in my eyes. Goddammit. I hate showing my weakness in front of you!

“Trist…” he hated that I jerked from his touch. I could tell it hurt him, but I couldn’t let him see me like this. I had to make it go away on my own.

I shook my head, “Don’t.” I pleaded, “Please, don’t.”

Gerard’s mouth dropped, “What’s happening? Don’t shut me out.” He begged me to let him in.

I shook my head, still holding my ears, the screams were persistent, but I wasn’t going to let them consume me. “Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Leave me alone. Leave me alone. Leave me alone. Leave me alone. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Go away. Please go away. Please go away.” I sobbed, causing Gerard to grab me off the stairs and push me into his arms against the locked basement door.

I gave in for a moment as he held me tightly. “Trist, tell me what is happening. I can’t help you if you don’t.”

Despair was washing over Gerard and he felt helpless. He couldn’t help her. Why wouldn’t she tell him the truth? What is happening to her?

The screams finally died down and I let my hands drop effortlessly to my sides. Gerard placed my face in both his hands and looked into my tear-filled eyes, “Tristan, I can’t take this. I need to know what is going on. I am at a loss. I can’t help you if you don’t tell me what’s wrong. And you can’t say ‘nothing’ because I know when you’re lying to me and that wasn’t ‘nothing’. That was twice today. What are you hearing?” Gerard couldn’t take in anymore. He needed to let her know how much he cared for her. “Trist, please let me help you. Please,” he begged. “I can’t stand watching the woman I love, suffering.”

I cringed at the word ‘love’. He loves me? Why? I wrinkled up my nose and started to cry again. “You can’t.”

“What?!” Gerard pleaded, “What did I say? That I love you? Why can’t I love you?” He questioned, still holding my face in his hands. My back was against the door and his body was pinning me to the door. “I. Love. You.” He said slowly, enunciating every word, causing me to fall apart in his hands.

I couldn’t breathe and he was proclaiming his love for me. He loves me.

I was near a panic attack, “Please let me go,” I struggled against him.

“No. I won’t let you walk away from this. Not this time. Let me say it again: I…love…you,” Gerard said his eyes ablaze with fury as he lowered his head and crashed his lips against mine. The electricity between us sizzled. I couldn’t take it anymore. I needed him. I needed him now more than ever. I let myself go, still crying, my mouth opened and he plunged his tongue in for a kiss that rocked us both.

Instinctively, I wrapped my arms around his waist, pulling him closer to me. Both of us lost in this kiss and it quickly became about something more. Something more than just a kiss. I wanted him. He wanted me.

Our bodies twined together in a heated moment against the basement door. The harder I pulled him to me, the harder he pushed me against it. I could feel every muscle in his body tense up around my touch and I ran my hands up his back and around his neck.

He let go for a brief moment to unlock the door, pushing me through the door roughly and slamming it behind us, before throwing me against it, now on the inside and continuing where he left off. I was still crying, but it was dying down from all the electricity running through my body.

I looked into his eyes as I pulled away and they were blazing with desire and anger. I unbuttoned Gerard’s shirt with shaking hands. I quickly yanked it off him and tossed it to the floor, resuming our ferrous kissing. His hands fist in my hair as he pulls my face up to his, and his mouth is on mine, a passionate desperation in his kiss. I don’t know why this takes me by surprise, but it does. I taste his relief, his longing, and his residual anger while his tongue possesses my mouth. This is his way of showing me he loves me. I am consumed by him and this moment. I gave in completely.

Lust starts to take control, sending pleasurable spikes all over my body. Strange new sensations taking hold and our control of the situation was wavering. My right hand went to the top back of his hairline, and my fingers entwined in Gerard’s jet-black hair as I pressed his mouth more to mine. I was alive with erotic sensations that I’d never felt before.

Suddenly I gasped into his mouth louder than ever before, as I felt the sensation of his hips pressed into mine, and the growing bulge that was protruding from Gerard’s pants. I pressed my hips against the friction and moaning into Gerard’s open mouth. I needed him. I never thought I would need him this badly. I ran my hands all over his bare back and chest in desperation.

I felt the erotic sensation of Gerard furiously kissing my neck. I let out a low moan of pleasure as I melted against his willing body. Gerard tugged on the bottom hem of my lacy dress shirt and I raised my arms willingly and let him take it off; leaving me in my black bra. He suddenly picked me up by my legs, kicking off my shoes, and wrapped them around his waist and carried me across his room to his bed, never breaking our passionate kiss.

Then instead of kissing my mouth, Gerard focused his attention on my neck, and slowly placed open mouth wet kisses up and down the sides. I moaned and melted against the mattress and the seductive shape of his body against mine. I wanted him and I wanted to kiss his lips. I pulled his face to mine and placed a hot wet kiss on his lips. A few low, guttural noises came from the back of his throat as I did this.

Gerard lifted up and looked down at me; the lamp was the only light in the room and it was dim, but I could see him clearly. He ran his left hand down the right side of my body, tracing my scar from the collapse on my side with his fingers, before kissing it softly for just moment before bringing his mouth back up to mine, but this time it felt different, more frenzied. My tongue was even more eager to explore Gerard’s mouth, and I found myself pressing my breasts and hips against his body, electing a few grunts of pleasure from my partner. He pushed against me even more. The bulge against my thighs was larger than ever, and he was gasping into my mouth as much as I was in his, showing me just how very turned on he was. Our speed kept increasing, and soon we were kissing so very fast.

Gerard wanted me so badly. He tore at my skirt, unzipping the zipper on the side and ripping them off with one hand. I fumbled with his belt and pants button until he took control and undid them himself.

He got up quickly off the bed, kicked his shoes and socks off, and then took the pants off, discarding them on the floor before coming back down on top of my body. He pushed a long strand of hair from my face before kissing my lips in a newfound frenzy.

Gerard undid the clasp to my bra and gently took it off and I heard Gerard’s swift intake of breath when he saw my breasts.

Gerard saw the desire in my eyes. “Only want you. Tristan.” He whispered.

I let the sensation of his touch feel all of my senses, taking me far beyond anything I had ever know. I closed my eyes tightly as he kissed my bare skin from my neck to my navel. I was trembling from the overwhelming sensations.

“Look at me.” His voice was soft. He waited until my eyes were on him. “I love you.”

Gerard then gently and bravely pulled at my underwear. My face went crimson, but I didn’t let him see this. His breath caught as he pulled them off to reveal my body to him. “So beautiful.” He whispered letting his eyes drink in the sight of my pale skin in the dim light from the lamp on his desk. I was exposed. But somehow unafraid. I was in good hands. Loving hands.

I pulled at his boxers; he took them off quickly and kept his eyes on mine. I held my breath when he leaned down to kiss my neck. He could feel my heart pounding as I could feel his as well.

Quickly, he moved to position his body over mine, nearly crushing me into the mattress, but I didn’t care. I closed my eyes for a moment and tensed up.

“Tristan, open your eyes. Please.” His voice raw and low.

My eyes flew open. “Don’t stop.”

That was all he needed to hear. He pushed into me very slowly. My arms were on his back urging him on.

He pulled out slightly then entered a bit further this time. Our eyes were locked on each other.

I let out a moan and tried to relish in the experience of my very first time. He was being so gentle with me. He really does love me.

“Am I hurting you?” He whispered, concerned.

I arched into him, “I said, don’t stop.”

Gerard shook his head and leaned down and kissed my lips while pushing into me completely. He heard my sharp intake of breath and stilled.

My fingers stroked his back, “Please. I need you.”

Gently he began to move in and out feeling his own need growing. I arched my back slightly to meet his thrusts. The feeling building inside me grew stronger. It threatened to overwhelm me. Shaking me to my very core. And it was like the day washed away with this act. All I could focus on was him.

Gerard leaned down to nuzzle my neck leaving wet open mouth kisses on my soft skin. The moans that escaped my lips were music to his ears. He continued to thrust inside me, his lips moving up to my ear. I gripped his shoulders tightly and tried to breathe and take back some control, but was defeated. Oh my god. This was too much.

“I love you so much.” He whispered, his breath becoming ragged.

I closed my eyes as the waves of passion began to crash over me, I lifted my legs and wrapped them around him and his thrusting became deeper and quicker.

He lifted his head and saw that my eyes were closed again. “Tristan, look at me.” He was so close yet would force himself to stop if it was what I needed.

I kept my eyes closed, just taking the sensations all in. He lifted himself up on his arms to look down at me. I pulled him down, my lips found his. Momentarily he was shocked by the intensity of the kiss. My tongue plunged into his mouth as I lifted my hips; burying him deeply inside me.

I cried out in pleasure.

Gerard realized in that instant that he could let go. He leaned his head back as his release came hard and quick and the most intense feeling he had ever experienced.

Gerard collapsed against me and we lay in each other’s arms for a long time, just trying to catch our breath and composure.

I caressed his head that was against my chest running my hand through is thick dark hair for a while, reliving what just transpired. I hadn’t expected it and it was perfect. I took a deep breath, “I love you too.” I finally said it.

Gerard’s arms tightened around my body. “I know.” He whispered. Of course you do.

He pulled the blanket around the two of us and sleep wasn’t hard to find.