Categories > Celebrities > My Chemical Romance > Vacant and Stained
[Gerard’s Point of View]
My throat was parched and I struggled to speak after yelling her name into the phone. The dead dial tone beeped over and over again, haunting me. I couldn’t feel the beat of my own heart. It was beating too fast for me to even feel. She was the only thing my mind could comprehend.
When my phone rang and I picked it up to see who the Caller ID was, I knew something was very wrong. Something wasn’t right. She would never call me. As far as I would know, she wouldn’t do something like this. I swallowed thickly and flipped my phone open.
“Willow?” I said, trying to ignore the sound of my heart in my ears.
My heart nearly jumped out of my chest and my blood ran cold when I heard her broken whisper fill my ears. “Gerard…”
I heard a clatter and a thump, and panic washed over me. “Willow?” I cried into the phone. “Willow?” I started to breathe irregularly. “Willow? Answer me, Willow! Willow! Willow, answer me! Willow…”
I sat there on my bed with my phone to my ear. She didn’t say anything. There was no reply, no sound; just the dead dial tone that repeated over and over again. Her voice haunted my ears. It was, as I always imagined, beautiful. Her voice was tragically beautiful. My eyes stung and I got up off the bed, grabbing my jacket and car keys. I took the stairs two at a time, and bumped into my mom.
“Gerard?” She called as I ran down the hallway and to the door. “Gerard!”
I ignored her and ran out onto the snowy driveway and to my car. I got in and fired it up, kicking it into reverse and going down the street in the direction of Willow’s house. The rush of my blood filled my surroundings. The thought of Willow and the disconnection of our call made me fear for the worse. Every scenario played out in my head of what could’ve happened. But the one that I had thought of made the life drain out me.
She couldn’t have…
She wouldn’t…
Would she?
All these weeks, all those days, her sadness, her torment. It proved that my theory was right. I should’ve been there for her like I said. I promised her. I promised…
The snow thickened a little as it fell, and I pressed on the gas to get there faster. She must be home, I thought. Where else would she be? All I could think of was hoping to find her safe and okay. I hoped it was just some prank, that she couldn’t be hurt or worse. Just let it be a prank. I hoped to whatever God there was, that she was okay, that she was safe. She just had to be.
As I drove, I thought of all the things I knew or liked about her. The things I loved about Willow. I could name eleven things about everything I knew about Willow Adams. I kept going through them over and over in my head to keep me sane and from worrying.
One: She is the most beautiful girl I have ever met. I squeezed the steering wheel as I thought of her face. Two: She has the most gorgeous blue eyes I have laid my own eyes on.
I pulled up to her street, parking crookedly by her driveway. I shut the engine off and got out of my car, sprinting up to her door. My hands shook when I knocked and rang the doorbell. There was no answer. I tried the doorknob, finding it unlocked. I silently thanked any higher being for it being open when I walked in. Three: She makes me feel wonderful just by being around her.
“Willow?” I called, looking through her house. There was no evidence that anyone was here. I listened carefully; the house was too quiet.
Four: The love for her family is incredible. I decided on going upstairs. I’ve never been anywhere in her house except for her living room and kitchen. I looked through the rooms, finding two that must’ve belonged to her brothers, another that must’ve been Cassie’s. Another bedroom was purple and gray, with a black vanity. It must be her room, I guessed. She wasn’t in there.
My eye caught a sliver of light and I turned towards what was the bathroom. My heart thudded erratically as I came closer. The light was indeed on.
"Willow..?" I whispered through the door. I turned the knob, but it was locked. She locked it. "Shit...Willow!" I banged on the door. "Willow!"
I kept kicking and pounding on the door. I called out her name, hoping that she would answer me. I backed away from the bathroom door, looking it up and down, before taking a deep breath.
"Please don't get mad for doing this..." I thought.
I backed up to the wall and ran up and kicked the door as hard I could. The wood at the knob cracked and the bottom hinge fell loose, swinging the door wide open. Pain emitted from my calf but I ignored it. I came to the doorway and gripped the wood, doubling over at the sight of her.
Five: her laugh was a melody.
"No..." my face paled. "Oh, God..."
I tripped over my feet and to the bathtub. My heart dropped at the sight of blood, her blood. She was in her clothes in a bathtub full of cold water stained pink. An empty pill bottle and bloody razor littered the floor. Her cell phone was flipped open and lying on the edge of the tub. I quickly reached my arms into the water and pulled her out and onto my lap.
"Willow, oh god..." I cried, brushing strands away from her face. I held my fingers to her neck, getting a faint pulse. "Shit..."
I pulled my phone out of my pocket and dialed 911. I held it to my ear while I cradled her cold body to my warm one. Tears ran down my cheeks when I stared at her face. She was so pale, paler than how she normally was. I squeezed my eyes when I saw her scars, long and red against the white of her skin. Some still bled while others were struggling to heal. How could this have happened to her?
Six: her art was vivid and lifelike.
"911, what's your emergency?" A female voice said.
"I...my friend..." I stumbled over my words. "She...I think she's dying...please, send help."
"Sir, I'm going to need you to calm down," she said in a way that wasn't comforting at all. "What's the address?" I told her quickly, trying not to sob. "Okay, emergency vehicles are being sent. Please repeat the incident."
"I-I got a call from her just before sh-she passed out," I tried to explain, my throat squeezing. "I knew something wasn't right...so I came over and found her unconscious...th-there's empty p-pill bottles and blood..."
The tears became a waterfall over my cheeks and I held Willow's face. My heart dropped when I saw her chest stop rising.
"She...she stopped breathing!" I cried over the phone, staring at her with a horrified expression when her lips started to turn purple.
"I need you to remain calm," the officer said. "Do you know CPR?"
"Sort of..." I laid Willow onto the tile of the bathroom while I kneeled beside her.
"You're going to have to keep her heart going until an ambulance arrives," she said.
I swallowed thickly, telling her okay. I put the phone on speaker for help or instructions. I tried to remember everything I knew from Health Class when we did First-Aid and CPR. I tilted her head back and remembered to look down her throat for anything blocking it. With shaking hands I placed my hands right above her breast bone and I pushed down over and over. My heart raced and I started to sweat.
After thirty contractions I tilted her head back and pinched the bridge of her nose, blowing air into her throat. I prayed silently that she'd be okay. I went back to her chest to do thirty more contractions.
"Come on,” I said. “Breathe, Willow…”
I went back to breathe air into her lungs, putting my ear beside her face to listen for breathing. The breaths didn’t go in. I cursed myself, going back to give her another breath and more contractions.
“Please, Willow…” I willed for her eyes to open and for her to chest to start rising normally again. “Please, wake up...don’t do this!”
Her lips became darker, and the color skin made her look like a corpse. I continued doing contractions and breathing into her. I felt her faint heartbeat fade from beneath my hands, and I started to panic and feel myself choke on the sob emitting from the back of my throat. This couldn’t be happening; this can’t happen. Not to her. I can’t let her die beneath my very fingertips. I couldn’t lose her, not now, or anytime in the future.
“Willow,” I said, tears streaming down my face and landing onto her skin. “Please, for the love of God, wake up.” I kept doing contractions and blowing air into her mouth. “Please, wake up…breathe, please breathe…”
Her lips turned a dark shade. Seven: Her smile was brighter than any star-filled sky or sunny day.
“Breathe, dammit…” I cried, pumping her chest. “Don’t do this! Please!”
I became hysterical, hitting her chest a few times before going back to give her breaths.
“You’re going to live,” I told her. “You’re going to be okay. Please, be okay… Don’t do this, don’t die… not yet. Not fucking yet. I’m going to make you breathe, Willow… I’m going to save you!”
I hit her chest once more before stopping, laying my head on her chest. The tears rolled down my nose and cheeks and I grabbed her shirt, begging her silently to breathe. In the back of my mind, I knew I must have been too late, that I did something wrong in the CPR. I tried so, so hard. Why didn’t it work? Why couldn’t she breathe for me? I couldn’t lose her, not like this.
“I want to save you…” I sobbed.
Seven: She was different from all the other girls. She was unique.
I stayed in that position crying. I didn’t know what to do, I didn’t know how to help her. I should’ve been there. All seemed lost until I heard a light thump...and then another...and then another. I picked my head up in alarm, looking at her face to see that he lips were starting to lighten. I placed my ear beside her and heard faint breathing and a heartbeat.
“Oh my god…” I choked. I scrambled for my phone to talk to the officer. “She...she’s breathing! She’s starting to breathe again!”
“Alright,” She replied. “Make sure she keeps breathing.”
I sliently cursed her being apathetic. From outside I could hear sirens and sighed in relief. I took Willow into my arms and carried her through the hall and down the stairs, just when paramedics and police officers burst through the front door.
Without any questioning or hesitation, the paramedics quickly and carefully set her onto the gurney and strapped her on. They settled a blanket over her and put a plastic respirator over her airways while one paramedic squeezed the bulb at the end to get airflow going. I watched them push the gurney out the door and into the air. I hadn’t realized that I had been shaking until a female officer squeezed my shoulder gently. I looked at her and wiped my eyes.
“You okay?” She asked.
I shrugged my shoulders while she and another officer guided me outside the door. “I’m just worried about her right now. Can I come with the paramedics?”
“Unfortunately, only family can ride in the ambulance,” She said, as we watched the paramedics load Willow into the ambulance and shutting the doors. The ambulance took off, its sirens blaring and lights flashing yellow and red.
“You can ride with us you want,” the male officer said. “You can be there for your friend.”
I nodded quickly. “Thank you.”
They let me get into the backseat and they got into the front and drove off after the ambulance. I would’ve been laughing at this point since I was sitting where many criminals or offenders were behind the wire barrier. But I didn’t have any laughs in me. How could I? I pulled my phone out and scrolled through my contacts before hitting the ‘Call’ button.
I leaned my head against the cool glass off the window, holding my phone up to my ear while I waited for him to pick up.
“Hello?” Scott said. I remember getting his number on Halloween when I picked Willow up to go Frankie’s birthday.
“Scott, it’s Gerard…” I sighed. “I need you to meet me at the hospital.”
“Wh-what?” He stuttered. “Why?”
“It’s Willow,” I told him, pinching the bridge of my nose.
“What? What the hell do you mean?” He became frantic. “What happened to her? What happened to my sister, Gerard?”
“I… I’ll explain when you get there,” I said. “I have to go, bye, man.” I didn’t want to talk anymore. I had no energy.
“Okay… bye,” He hung up reluctantly.
I shoved my phone back into my pocket and rested my head against the seat trying to block out everything. I forgot to text Mikey and tell him where I am, but I didn’t reach for my phone. I didn’t want to repeat everything. I just wanted to sleep and wish that this never happened to Willow.
Eight: She’s selfless.
I watched the street lamps go on as the sky grew darker. I closed my eyes, trying to forget everything I saw, but I couldn’t. All I could see was her pale face and her arms. I didn’t know if I was too late, whether she’d make it. She just had to. I needed her to be in my life. What would life had’ve been like if I had never met her two months ago? I can’t see a life without Willow Adams.
The police officers pulled up to the emergency drive-through of the hospital behind the ambulance. I thanked them and ran after Willow and the paramedics. I tried to follow them but a nurse stopped me.
“I’m sorry, you can’t go through there unless you’re family,” she said.
“I…will she be okay?” I asked, watching her disappear to a room.
She shrugged. “Lord only knows. If you want you can sit over there.”
I nodded and felt my eyes well up. I sat down and put my head in my hands that rested on my knees. I couldn’t understand why I kept getting emotional. I needed to stop crying and face reality.
“Man the fuck up, Gerard,” I scolded myself and wiped my eyes. I laid my head back against the wall and sniffed.
I looked around, trying to keep my thoughts occupied. Some people were crying or looking depressed. Others were holding some kids on their lap. I wondered if they were in the same situation, or if they were praying that someone they knew would be okay. I waited here for another twenty minutes before I saw Scott and another guy that must have been his friend burst through the doors in a panic. Scott spotted me and walked over; I got up in time for him to collapse in my arms.
“What happened?” He said quietly. “Is she okay?”
“She…” I cleared my throat. “She tried to kill herself.”
He looked at me with shocked eyes. “Wh-what?”
“I… yeah,” I averted my eyes to the floor. “She might be okay…”
His eyes glossed over with tears and he sat down on the chair in disbelief. He covered his face with his hands and his shoulders started to shake with his sobs.
“It’s all my fault,” he cried through his fingers. “I shouldn’t have…it’s my fault!”
“Don’t… don’t say that…” I said, not knowing what to do with her sobbing brother.
“It’s true!” He looked up and his eyes were already red. “I gave her the silent treatment, and I’ve been a co-complete asshole t-to her!”
His friend sat down beside him and wrapped his arms into a hug. “Scott, it’s not your fault, okay? Don’t blame yourself.”
“It is my fault, Max,” He sniffed. “I tried to help but I got m-mad… then I treated her like shit afterwards…”
Max sighed and rocked Scott back and forth. I sat next to them and stared at my shoes. We sat there in silence waiting and hoping. The atmosphere of this room. I hated this, I hated this hospital and situation. Scott had gotten a phone call from his father and told him what happened, then hung up and broke into sobs again. I wondered what Scott was thinking, or what Willow’s father was thinking. What did it feel like to have your daughter or sister possibly slip through your fingers?
What was I doing here? I wasn’t anyone important. I was just that friend that happened to be there. Why was I here? I wasn’t even family. I was the kid who didn’t know his friend all too well.
“Gerard?” Scott turned to me.
“Yeah?”
“Thank you… for finding her,” Scott said. “Thank you so much.”
“I… it’s no problem. I’d do it over and over again if I have to,” I admitted.
He gave me a weak smile. “You really like her don’t you?”
I sighed and looked back to the floor. “Yeah.”
He nodded and looked straight ahead, not meeting anyone’s gaze. He got it wrong though. I didn’t like her. I was falling hard for her. I was falling in love with her. And whether she was going to make it or not was indefinite.
Love sucked.
My throat was parched and I struggled to speak after yelling her name into the phone. The dead dial tone beeped over and over again, haunting me. I couldn’t feel the beat of my own heart. It was beating too fast for me to even feel. She was the only thing my mind could comprehend.
When my phone rang and I picked it up to see who the Caller ID was, I knew something was very wrong. Something wasn’t right. She would never call me. As far as I would know, she wouldn’t do something like this. I swallowed thickly and flipped my phone open.
“Willow?” I said, trying to ignore the sound of my heart in my ears.
My heart nearly jumped out of my chest and my blood ran cold when I heard her broken whisper fill my ears. “Gerard…”
I heard a clatter and a thump, and panic washed over me. “Willow?” I cried into the phone. “Willow?” I started to breathe irregularly. “Willow? Answer me, Willow! Willow! Willow, answer me! Willow…”
I sat there on my bed with my phone to my ear. She didn’t say anything. There was no reply, no sound; just the dead dial tone that repeated over and over again. Her voice haunted my ears. It was, as I always imagined, beautiful. Her voice was tragically beautiful. My eyes stung and I got up off the bed, grabbing my jacket and car keys. I took the stairs two at a time, and bumped into my mom.
“Gerard?” She called as I ran down the hallway and to the door. “Gerard!”
I ignored her and ran out onto the snowy driveway and to my car. I got in and fired it up, kicking it into reverse and going down the street in the direction of Willow’s house. The rush of my blood filled my surroundings. The thought of Willow and the disconnection of our call made me fear for the worse. Every scenario played out in my head of what could’ve happened. But the one that I had thought of made the life drain out me.
She couldn’t have…
She wouldn’t…
Would she?
All these weeks, all those days, her sadness, her torment. It proved that my theory was right. I should’ve been there for her like I said. I promised her. I promised…
The snow thickened a little as it fell, and I pressed on the gas to get there faster. She must be home, I thought. Where else would she be? All I could think of was hoping to find her safe and okay. I hoped it was just some prank, that she couldn’t be hurt or worse. Just let it be a prank. I hoped to whatever God there was, that she was okay, that she was safe. She just had to be.
As I drove, I thought of all the things I knew or liked about her. The things I loved about Willow. I could name eleven things about everything I knew about Willow Adams. I kept going through them over and over in my head to keep me sane and from worrying.
One: She is the most beautiful girl I have ever met. I squeezed the steering wheel as I thought of her face. Two: She has the most gorgeous blue eyes I have laid my own eyes on.
I pulled up to her street, parking crookedly by her driveway. I shut the engine off and got out of my car, sprinting up to her door. My hands shook when I knocked and rang the doorbell. There was no answer. I tried the doorknob, finding it unlocked. I silently thanked any higher being for it being open when I walked in. Three: She makes me feel wonderful just by being around her.
“Willow?” I called, looking through her house. There was no evidence that anyone was here. I listened carefully; the house was too quiet.
Four: The love for her family is incredible. I decided on going upstairs. I’ve never been anywhere in her house except for her living room and kitchen. I looked through the rooms, finding two that must’ve belonged to her brothers, another that must’ve been Cassie’s. Another bedroom was purple and gray, with a black vanity. It must be her room, I guessed. She wasn’t in there.
My eye caught a sliver of light and I turned towards what was the bathroom. My heart thudded erratically as I came closer. The light was indeed on.
"Willow..?" I whispered through the door. I turned the knob, but it was locked. She locked it. "Shit...Willow!" I banged on the door. "Willow!"
I kept kicking and pounding on the door. I called out her name, hoping that she would answer me. I backed away from the bathroom door, looking it up and down, before taking a deep breath.
"Please don't get mad for doing this..." I thought.
I backed up to the wall and ran up and kicked the door as hard I could. The wood at the knob cracked and the bottom hinge fell loose, swinging the door wide open. Pain emitted from my calf but I ignored it. I came to the doorway and gripped the wood, doubling over at the sight of her.
Five: her laugh was a melody.
"No..." my face paled. "Oh, God..."
I tripped over my feet and to the bathtub. My heart dropped at the sight of blood, her blood. She was in her clothes in a bathtub full of cold water stained pink. An empty pill bottle and bloody razor littered the floor. Her cell phone was flipped open and lying on the edge of the tub. I quickly reached my arms into the water and pulled her out and onto my lap.
"Willow, oh god..." I cried, brushing strands away from her face. I held my fingers to her neck, getting a faint pulse. "Shit..."
I pulled my phone out of my pocket and dialed 911. I held it to my ear while I cradled her cold body to my warm one. Tears ran down my cheeks when I stared at her face. She was so pale, paler than how she normally was. I squeezed my eyes when I saw her scars, long and red against the white of her skin. Some still bled while others were struggling to heal. How could this have happened to her?
Six: her art was vivid and lifelike.
"911, what's your emergency?" A female voice said.
"I...my friend..." I stumbled over my words. "She...I think she's dying...please, send help."
"Sir, I'm going to need you to calm down," she said in a way that wasn't comforting at all. "What's the address?" I told her quickly, trying not to sob. "Okay, emergency vehicles are being sent. Please repeat the incident."
"I-I got a call from her just before sh-she passed out," I tried to explain, my throat squeezing. "I knew something wasn't right...so I came over and found her unconscious...th-there's empty p-pill bottles and blood..."
The tears became a waterfall over my cheeks and I held Willow's face. My heart dropped when I saw her chest stop rising.
"She...she stopped breathing!" I cried over the phone, staring at her with a horrified expression when her lips started to turn purple.
"I need you to remain calm," the officer said. "Do you know CPR?"
"Sort of..." I laid Willow onto the tile of the bathroom while I kneeled beside her.
"You're going to have to keep her heart going until an ambulance arrives," she said.
I swallowed thickly, telling her okay. I put the phone on speaker for help or instructions. I tried to remember everything I knew from Health Class when we did First-Aid and CPR. I tilted her head back and remembered to look down her throat for anything blocking it. With shaking hands I placed my hands right above her breast bone and I pushed down over and over. My heart raced and I started to sweat.
After thirty contractions I tilted her head back and pinched the bridge of her nose, blowing air into her throat. I prayed silently that she'd be okay. I went back to her chest to do thirty more contractions.
"Come on,” I said. “Breathe, Willow…”
I went back to breathe air into her lungs, putting my ear beside her face to listen for breathing. The breaths didn’t go in. I cursed myself, going back to give her another breath and more contractions.
“Please, Willow…” I willed for her eyes to open and for her to chest to start rising normally again. “Please, wake up...don’t do this!”
Her lips became darker, and the color skin made her look like a corpse. I continued doing contractions and breathing into her. I felt her faint heartbeat fade from beneath my hands, and I started to panic and feel myself choke on the sob emitting from the back of my throat. This couldn’t be happening; this can’t happen. Not to her. I can’t let her die beneath my very fingertips. I couldn’t lose her, not now, or anytime in the future.
“Willow,” I said, tears streaming down my face and landing onto her skin. “Please, for the love of God, wake up.” I kept doing contractions and blowing air into her mouth. “Please, wake up…breathe, please breathe…”
Her lips turned a dark shade. Seven: Her smile was brighter than any star-filled sky or sunny day.
“Breathe, dammit…” I cried, pumping her chest. “Don’t do this! Please!”
I became hysterical, hitting her chest a few times before going back to give her breaths.
“You’re going to live,” I told her. “You’re going to be okay. Please, be okay… Don’t do this, don’t die… not yet. Not fucking yet. I’m going to make you breathe, Willow… I’m going to save you!”
I hit her chest once more before stopping, laying my head on her chest. The tears rolled down my nose and cheeks and I grabbed her shirt, begging her silently to breathe. In the back of my mind, I knew I must have been too late, that I did something wrong in the CPR. I tried so, so hard. Why didn’t it work? Why couldn’t she breathe for me? I couldn’t lose her, not like this.
“I want to save you…” I sobbed.
Seven: She was different from all the other girls. She was unique.
I stayed in that position crying. I didn’t know what to do, I didn’t know how to help her. I should’ve been there. All seemed lost until I heard a light thump...and then another...and then another. I picked my head up in alarm, looking at her face to see that he lips were starting to lighten. I placed my ear beside her and heard faint breathing and a heartbeat.
“Oh my god…” I choked. I scrambled for my phone to talk to the officer. “She...she’s breathing! She’s starting to breathe again!”
“Alright,” She replied. “Make sure she keeps breathing.”
I sliently cursed her being apathetic. From outside I could hear sirens and sighed in relief. I took Willow into my arms and carried her through the hall and down the stairs, just when paramedics and police officers burst through the front door.
Without any questioning or hesitation, the paramedics quickly and carefully set her onto the gurney and strapped her on. They settled a blanket over her and put a plastic respirator over her airways while one paramedic squeezed the bulb at the end to get airflow going. I watched them push the gurney out the door and into the air. I hadn’t realized that I had been shaking until a female officer squeezed my shoulder gently. I looked at her and wiped my eyes.
“You okay?” She asked.
I shrugged my shoulders while she and another officer guided me outside the door. “I’m just worried about her right now. Can I come with the paramedics?”
“Unfortunately, only family can ride in the ambulance,” She said, as we watched the paramedics load Willow into the ambulance and shutting the doors. The ambulance took off, its sirens blaring and lights flashing yellow and red.
“You can ride with us you want,” the male officer said. “You can be there for your friend.”
I nodded quickly. “Thank you.”
They let me get into the backseat and they got into the front and drove off after the ambulance. I would’ve been laughing at this point since I was sitting where many criminals or offenders were behind the wire barrier. But I didn’t have any laughs in me. How could I? I pulled my phone out and scrolled through my contacts before hitting the ‘Call’ button.
I leaned my head against the cool glass off the window, holding my phone up to my ear while I waited for him to pick up.
“Hello?” Scott said. I remember getting his number on Halloween when I picked Willow up to go Frankie’s birthday.
“Scott, it’s Gerard…” I sighed. “I need you to meet me at the hospital.”
“Wh-what?” He stuttered. “Why?”
“It’s Willow,” I told him, pinching the bridge of my nose.
“What? What the hell do you mean?” He became frantic. “What happened to her? What happened to my sister, Gerard?”
“I… I’ll explain when you get there,” I said. “I have to go, bye, man.” I didn’t want to talk anymore. I had no energy.
“Okay… bye,” He hung up reluctantly.
I shoved my phone back into my pocket and rested my head against the seat trying to block out everything. I forgot to text Mikey and tell him where I am, but I didn’t reach for my phone. I didn’t want to repeat everything. I just wanted to sleep and wish that this never happened to Willow.
Eight: She’s selfless.
I watched the street lamps go on as the sky grew darker. I closed my eyes, trying to forget everything I saw, but I couldn’t. All I could see was her pale face and her arms. I didn’t know if I was too late, whether she’d make it. She just had to. I needed her to be in my life. What would life had’ve been like if I had never met her two months ago? I can’t see a life without Willow Adams.
The police officers pulled up to the emergency drive-through of the hospital behind the ambulance. I thanked them and ran after Willow and the paramedics. I tried to follow them but a nurse stopped me.
“I’m sorry, you can’t go through there unless you’re family,” she said.
“I…will she be okay?” I asked, watching her disappear to a room.
She shrugged. “Lord only knows. If you want you can sit over there.”
I nodded and felt my eyes well up. I sat down and put my head in my hands that rested on my knees. I couldn’t understand why I kept getting emotional. I needed to stop crying and face reality.
“Man the fuck up, Gerard,” I scolded myself and wiped my eyes. I laid my head back against the wall and sniffed.
I looked around, trying to keep my thoughts occupied. Some people were crying or looking depressed. Others were holding some kids on their lap. I wondered if they were in the same situation, or if they were praying that someone they knew would be okay. I waited here for another twenty minutes before I saw Scott and another guy that must have been his friend burst through the doors in a panic. Scott spotted me and walked over; I got up in time for him to collapse in my arms.
“What happened?” He said quietly. “Is she okay?”
“She…” I cleared my throat. “She tried to kill herself.”
He looked at me with shocked eyes. “Wh-what?”
“I… yeah,” I averted my eyes to the floor. “She might be okay…”
His eyes glossed over with tears and he sat down on the chair in disbelief. He covered his face with his hands and his shoulders started to shake with his sobs.
“It’s all my fault,” he cried through his fingers. “I shouldn’t have…it’s my fault!”
“Don’t… don’t say that…” I said, not knowing what to do with her sobbing brother.
“It’s true!” He looked up and his eyes were already red. “I gave her the silent treatment, and I’ve been a co-complete asshole t-to her!”
His friend sat down beside him and wrapped his arms into a hug. “Scott, it’s not your fault, okay? Don’t blame yourself.”
“It is my fault, Max,” He sniffed. “I tried to help but I got m-mad… then I treated her like shit afterwards…”
Max sighed and rocked Scott back and forth. I sat next to them and stared at my shoes. We sat there in silence waiting and hoping. The atmosphere of this room. I hated this, I hated this hospital and situation. Scott had gotten a phone call from his father and told him what happened, then hung up and broke into sobs again. I wondered what Scott was thinking, or what Willow’s father was thinking. What did it feel like to have your daughter or sister possibly slip through your fingers?
What was I doing here? I wasn’t anyone important. I was just that friend that happened to be there. Why was I here? I wasn’t even family. I was the kid who didn’t know his friend all too well.
“Gerard?” Scott turned to me.
“Yeah?”
“Thank you… for finding her,” Scott said. “Thank you so much.”
“I… it’s no problem. I’d do it over and over again if I have to,” I admitted.
He gave me a weak smile. “You really like her don’t you?”
I sighed and looked back to the floor. “Yeah.”
He nodded and looked straight ahead, not meeting anyone’s gaze. He got it wrong though. I didn’t like her. I was falling hard for her. I was falling in love with her. And whether she was going to make it or not was indefinite.
Love sucked.
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